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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thinking about keeping DH. But how can I?

65 replies

AnnieLande · 16/11/2021 10:18

I've been really considering leaving DH recently. Well, for a while now but finances have been holding me back.

We have a young child together too and that's something else that's been holding me back. It feels selfish to walk away when it's for my benefit.

We aren't married and I don't have a job. I'm in my first year of Uni and I absolutely love it. Besides our child, it's what gets me up in the morning. I love the course, the work, the people.

Since I started there, DHs behaviour has become more and more frustrating. We had problems before but starting Uni has made things worse. He doesn't seem to like me going out, meeting people, having a life of my own.

This morning I took our child to McDonald's for breakfast as a one off before nursery and we went down to the beach and watched the boats. It was lovely. But then DH starting texting me from work asking why I hadn't bought him McDonald's and blah, blah, blah.

I feel like I can't do anything without him moaning about it. I don't like having sex and don't want to. I do sometimes so he'll stop going on about it but avoid it as much as possible.

I feel like i can't leave though. How will we survive financially without DH? We have a joint mortgage and if we sell, it'll give us about 25-30k each I think. But I won't be able to get another deposit. I won't get any benefits with 30k in the bank and that won't be enough to live on for the next four years whilst I'm at Uni.

I could stay put. I know DH would leave if I asked him too and he wouldn't expect the house to be sold. But again, benefits wise, I'd be in a worse position having a mortgage rather than rent.

I can't work out my entitlements on any of the calculators because I'm a student. I get 3 payments a year from student loans. Around 3k each payment. 9k in total over the year.

Do I just have to stay put and suck it up?

OP posts:

PlaymobilMania · 16/11/2021 10:21

Could you leave uni and get a job?

I could stay put. I know DH would leave if I asked him too and he wouldn't expect the house to be sold

Don’t be naive about this. He’s likely to want what’s his. Especially if he gets a new partner and she starts nagging

baileys6904 · 16/11/2021 10:23

You can get extra funding as a single parent mature student. Speak to student services

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 10:33

Speak to student services.

He sounds controlling.

Look at your options.

Wishineverchangedmyname · 16/11/2021 10:34

I'm a student who's recently separated.
Student loan is classed as an income with UC, and they take it £ for £. However, roughly the £4000 of student loan is disregarded and the rest is divided up either 9/10 months depending on your course dates. That's classed as your monthly income for UC purposes.
It's not easy doing it alone but it's manageable

Original poster

AnnieLande · 16/11/2021 11:18

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Wishineverchangedmyname · 16/11/2021 13:03

Universal credit essentials have a calculator that includes student finance

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/11/2021 16:08

What are your options for deferring or going work placement?

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick sadly, I wouldn't be hanging around.

I know it is easier said than done though 💐

category12 · 16/11/2021 16:24

Maybe it would be worth speaking to someone at uni to discuss the financial side and get it clear what you'd be entitled to and what you could apply for in terms of support. It's impossible to make a decision when you're struggling to work out that side - so get the facts and at least you'll have a firm idea of the options.

Original poster

AnnieLande · 17/11/2021 10:25

I've been trying to work out the logistics but i can't seem to make it work. If we sell the house, I won't get UC because I'll have maybe 25k in the bank from the sale. I'll have to live on that and then I'll have no savings left and it'll disappear so quickly. I don't know the best way to do things.

OP posts:

Jasmine00 · 17/11/2021 10:37

Speak to uc because I don't think they count savings if you are going to invest it into a mortgage I could be wrong but I'm sure I read this so if you could move in with family temporarily then say you will be putting that £30k into a property for you and your child, I think you may still qualify. Just call them and get all the info

category12 · 17/11/2021 10:50

Isn't it the limit something like £16k for savings? So yes, you'd end up using around £10k to live on and then UC would kick in.

Not ideal, sure, but would still leave you with a start on a deposit and once you finish uni, you'll be able to get a decent income and start building up again.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 17/11/2021 10:54

UC tapers until 16k of savings. You have to have less than 6k to get the full amount.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2021 11:11

Don't stay. You shouldn't raise a child in a household where her mother is controlled and abused like this. Or s/he will grow up thinking it is normal for partners to bully women and women to just accept it. Leave for their sake if nothing else.

Also, that uni course, he will find a way to sabotage it for you. That's what controlling people like him do. Eg: accidently deleting your assignments or being unable to babysit on the day of your exam or just engaging in so much mind fucking in and around when you should be studying, that you cannot concentrate. Ect...

So your only chance of sticking it longterm is by getting away from him.

But even if it means leaving uni or having to rent a place, it is worth it to get you and your child to an environment free of his toxicity.

RantyAunty · 17/11/2021 11:17

If you sell, you'll have the money from the sale plus your student loans plus he would be paying for child maintenance.

You could possibly share with another woman or single mum going to uni. Definitely talk to people at your uni to see what help they have.

You didn't mention what you are studying but completing will obviously give you the skills to get a decent-paying job.
Plus at uni, you might meet someone nice.

JollyJoon · 17/11/2021 11:22

Is he resentful that you arent working?

Doubledoorsontogarden · 17/11/2021 11:24

Sell, use the £25k to live on, when it runs out claim more. When your DS is with your ex get a job? Cleaning/Babysitting can be lucrative, also delivery driver?

nocnoc · 17/11/2021 11:37

You could leave him in the house and not sell it? Have an agreement (signed by a solicitor) that the house gets sold when you’ve finished your course? Then go into as cheap as you can find rented and cover that with benefits? Go speak to your university counselling services and student financial advisers. Get as much advice as possible

nocnoc · 17/11/2021 11:38

Go to citizens advice for benefit advice

Ledition · 17/11/2021 12:24

Stay. It's a four year course and you don't want to struggle that long as you may end up having to drop out and that will impact your entire future. Stay until you've completed half of it at least and use the time to save some extra money.

It's not a popular opinion but I think staying put until you're in a more favourable financial position can pay off in spades - it did for me anyway. Yes it's deceitful but I didn't dwell on that and did t feel guilty as I would have never been in that position had he not caused it. My righteous anger kept me going! Good luck OP.

JollyJoon · 18/11/2021 07:13

@Ledition
OK but the OP isnt in your situation where her DP has caused her to be in difficult circumstances. You are suggesting she fake a relationship to get a man to fund her life through university. It's not nice and will probably do her psychological damage in the long run.

IncompleteSenten · 18/11/2021 07:24

No, you won't get benefits while you have savings.
When you have used your savings then you can apply for benefits.
I suppose it depends how much you want to leave him. Enough to quit uni, and get a job? Or wait it out until you have finished your course?

oviraptor21 · 18/11/2021 07:29

Ring or webchat Help to Claim ( a citizens advice service) and they'll work out all the figures for you and give you advice about the £30K. You may be able to get it to work out for you.

oviraptor21 · 18/11/2021 07:30

You'll need exact course start and end dates for the year and a breakdown of what your student finance amounts are.

plumpylumpydumpy · 18/11/2021 07:43

What does he say if you answer as to why you didn't get him a McDonald's? Do you ever make a firm stance and say 'look, I'm doing this today, so tough really'

category12 · 18/11/2021 07:52

@IncompleteSenten

No, you won't get benefits while you have savings. When you have used your savings then you can apply for benefits. I suppose it depends how much you want to leave him. Enough to quit uni, and get a job? Or wait it out until you have finished your course?

Or she could fund herself through uni using the proceeds of the sale of the property until she qualifies either for support or just plain qualifies. Once she's got through uni, presumably she'll be able to earn a decent income and rebuild savings.

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