Thinking about keeping DH. But how can I?

[AnnieLande]

I've been really considering leaving DH recently. Well, for a while now but finances have been holding me back.

We have a young child together too and that's something else that's been holding me back. It feels selfish to walk away when it's for my benefit.

We aren't married and I don't have a job. I'm in my first year of Uni and I absolutely love it. Besides our child, it's what gets me up in the morning. I love the course, the work, the people.

Since I started there, DHs behaviour has become more and more frustrating. We had problems before but starting Uni has made things worse. He doesn't seem to like me going out, meeting people, having a life of my own.

This morning I took our child to McDonald's for breakfast as a one off before nursery and we went down to the beach and watched the boats. It was lovely. But then DH starting texting me from work asking why I hadn't bought him McDonald's and blah, blah, blah.

I feel like I can't do anything without him moaning about it. I don't like having sex and don't want to. I do sometimes so he'll stop going on about it but avoid it as much as possible.

I feel like i can't leave though. How will we survive financially without DH? We have a joint mortgage and if we sell, it'll give us about 25-30k each I think. But I won't be able to get another deposit. I won't get any benefits with 30k in the bank and that won't be enough to live on for the next four years whilst I'm at Uni.

I could stay put. I know DH would leave if I asked him too and he wouldn't expect the house to be sold. But again, benefits wise, I'd be in a worse position having a mortgage rather than rent.

I can't work out my entitlements on any of the calculators because I'm a student. I get 3 payments a year from student loans. Around 3k each payment. 9k in total over the year.

Do I just have to stay put and suck it up?

@JollyJoon

Annie on another thread where you describe your feelings for your lecturer you specifically say you are married. Which is it?

gosh you have quite a bone to pick, don't you Mrs Marple

You are thinking of keeping dh ? Is he a possession ?
And he is being labelled all sorts based on a few lines . If this was the other way around the responses would be v different .
Op you obviously see him as a commodity to use to suit your own purposes which is v sad tbh.

@JollyJoon

Annie on another thread where you describe your feelings for your lecturer you specifically say you are married. Which is it?

Wow, is that true, @AnnieLande?

If it is, it’s no wonder your boyfriend/partner/husband/bankroller doesn't seem to like me going out, meeting people, having a life of my own.

Yes definitely a case of two sides to every story !

I think if you left it may put you into an unfavourable financial position. You’ll end up splitting up the family home and what about your child? Will that make the little one unhappy and stressed. Can you make peace with your husband? It sounds like he’s feeling threatened by your growing independence and freedom. He will just have to accept that. Do you love him?

Oh goodness, don’t fall for lecturers. Happens all the time. They’re all at it, looking for an easy adoring student. Mind you I got an A pass from an old adoring lecturer who wanted an affair. I never reciprocated.

@Huckleberries73

Bloody hell if a man wrote this he would get entirely different advice.

To stay in a relationship for 4 years for financial reasons is so fucking deceitful. If you don’t want to be with him - leave. Don’t stay coz of money. Let him find someone who will love him.

This is really a shit thing to do to anther human being.

Yes I agree. You don't fancy him or seem to like him at all, just using him to pay the rent!

@JollyJoon

Annie on another thread where you describe your feelings for your lecturer you specifically say you are married. Which is it?

Oooo. I now see why OP’s DP is suspicious of OP. She’s basically using him to finance her lifestyle so she doesn’t have to work or pay bills/mortgage. I feel sorry for DP.

Wow, okay. To clarify a few things. I Left this thread as I decided to give things one last chance after we both talked things over.

I also refer to him as DH and not DP. It's just a habit. But he is DP. We aren't married.

It was a joint decision for me to start working part time after we had our DC. I only finished my job back in August after I was made redundant. Then I started Uni in September. I'm still looking for another PT position to do around Uni.

Yes, I'm rather fond of one of my lecturers but it's not actually relevant to our relationship. People get crushes all the time.

Part of the problems in our relationship is that recently, whilst I was in bed sleeping, DP did something very much NOT consenual to me. Thats what sparked this thread.

But thanks all anyway.

Oh and the title was a typo! It was supposed to be "thinking about leaving DH' NOT "keeping dh'

@Huckleberries73

Bloody hell if a man wrote this he would get entirely different advice.

To stay in a relationship for 4 years for financial reasons is so fucking deceitful. If you don’t want to be with him - leave. Don’t stay coz of money. Let him find someone who will love him.

This is really a shit thing to do to anther human being.

Huckleberries73 is right, it’s a horrible thing to do to another person. You don’t sound like you like him nevermind love so it’s wrong to stay for the purpose of using him financially. Honestly how would you feel if someone did that to you!

Part of the problems in our relationship is that recently, whilst I was in bed sleeping, DP did something very much NOT consenual to me. Thats what sparked this thread

I am very sorry to hear that that happened, and of course you want to leave in the circumstances. In terms of this thread though, it's a crazy drip-feed. Totally get why you didn't want to disclose it, but why ask the OP in the first place, if no one can give meaningful advice, because they don't know the main reason for leaving?

why ask the OP in the first place, if no one can give meaningful advice, because they don't know the main reason for leaving?

This. Nobody here can help you properly if you pick and choose what you share to this extend, and drip feed the salient facts.

Yeah, I know. I should have said from the start but I didn't want to talk about that. Its fine though. We've agreed to give things one final go.

@AnnieLande

I've been trying to work out the logistics but i can't seem to make it work. If we sell the house, I won't get UC because I'll have maybe 25k in the bank from the sale. I'll have to live on that and then I'll have no savings left and it'll disappear so quickly. I don't know the best way to do things.

Yes, but you won’t be worse off. You will have to live on it for awhile, don’t just walk away. You also get to have a certain savings level disregarded and have UC. You may need those savings at some point.