Thinking about keeping DH. But how can I?

[AnnieLande]

I've been really considering leaving DH recently. Well, for a while now but finances have been holding me back.

We have a young child together too and that's something else that's been holding me back. It feels selfish to walk away when it's for my benefit.

We aren't married and I don't have a job. I'm in my first year of Uni and I absolutely love it. Besides our child, it's what gets me up in the morning. I love the course, the work, the people.

Since I started there, DHs behaviour has become more and more frustrating. We had problems before but starting Uni has made things worse. He doesn't seem to like me going out, meeting people, having a life of my own.

This morning I took our child to McDonald's for breakfast as a one off before nursery and we went down to the beach and watched the boats. It was lovely. But then DH starting texting me from work asking why I hadn't bought him McDonald's and blah, blah, blah.

I feel like I can't do anything without him moaning about it. I don't like having sex and don't want to. I do sometimes so he'll stop going on about it but avoid it as much as possible.

I feel like i can't leave though. How will we survive financially without DH? We have a joint mortgage and if we sell, it'll give us about 25-30k each I think. But I won't be able to get another deposit. I won't get any benefits with 30k in the bank and that won't be enough to live on for the next four years whilst I'm at Uni.

I could stay put. I know DH would leave if I asked him too and he wouldn't expect the house to be sold. But again, benefits wise, I'd be in a worse position having a mortgage rather than rent.

I can't work out my entitlements on any of the calculators because I'm a student. I get 3 payments a year from student loans. Around 3k each payment. 9k in total over the year.

Do I just have to stay put and suck it up?

If you fight to keep the house you won't have savings, uc will help to pay Mortages. It's cheaper for them often than rent.

He is not your DH if you aren’t married. Your rights are very different as an unmarried non-working mother.

It sounds like you will have left within 5 years so it may make sense to do it now.

Pull all (both) your financials together, Google around any benefits you might be entitled to. Go on money saving expert etc and govt sites. Research what you can expect to earn by when post uni. Write an informed list of questions, go see citizens advice. Then go see a solicitor. You will feel better and clearer with a proper plan. If possible, leave now, as it feels very corrosive, but at least have a clear plan of how long you need to stay.

Who owns the house? If it’s not held jointly, the other partner may get nothing when it’s sold (assuming you’re in the U.K.)

So basically you want your partner to support you financially all the way through through university before you leave him? Nice.

Is his attitude to do with money? I mean, was it a joint decision to have a child and then you to pack work in to study? Maybe he doesn’t like you going out as the household income is now less.

@Huckleberries73
Agreed. Even the phrasing of the title feels so disrespectful.

Maybe the DP senses this and yeah, feels a bit tetchy that rather than help pay the bills the OP is going to fo to university (which he has agreed to btw so clearly hes not that much of an arsehole) and is texting him at work while shes treating herself to a McDonalds.
I mean jesus people are only human.

How old are you? Do you have family nearby? It’s not good to raise dc in a household where one parent abuses the other. Dc may grow up to think this behaviour is acceptable.

Can't you put your deposit into a Lifetime ISA, these are the ones to buy property with, the Govmt gives you a massive 20% free I think too.
Maybe UC can't count this as savings as you can only use it for a mortgage deposit or pension? Am not sure.

Actually re-reading this and you seem really deceitful to stay in a relationship so he can finance your course. However, he also seems controlling as you say he doesn’t like you meeting new people. Can you get a part-time job and then use your student loan to contribute towards bills? Really unfair that your DP has to pay the mortgage and all the bills but you get to have fun at university.

Have you considered relationship counselling?

Firstly, you're not married so stop calling him dh. You may have had more financial security if you divorced, but this is not the case. House proceeds split 50/50, his only obligation is to your dc. Assuming you become primary carer he will pay cm.

You're 2 months into your degree. Unless it is a qualification that will absolutely land you in a megabucks career directly after graduation, you simply cannot afford to stay at university. You need an income. Not to scrounge off your partner who you plan to dump as soon as you graduate. That's unbearably

I must say i feel really sorry for "DH". you say you are not married but keep calling him DH?. You dont love him but dont want to leave so that he can continue to be your ATM whilst you study?. Poor guy. I havent seen where he is a bully or abusive. He asked you why you didnt bring him along to mcdonalds...how is that abusive?. Please just leave the man sooner rather rather than later let him move on with his life.

Why did you even have a child with him?
It’s not reasonable to expect a man to support you through your university until you dump him and move on taking his child with you.

Realistically your being very selfish in thinking you deserve to be supported through University simply because you like going, that he should sell the house for you and you will just take dc and start over without him. Why do you assume he should just leave the house you both payed for to make your life without him easier? Why should he?

If a man came on here and said what you have he’d be ripped apart and called a “cocklodger”. On the one hand you hate sex with this man, think he should leave his house and child and say no more - then on the other you may stay for a while so he can find your ambition and then dump him.
I’m appalled.

I’m with ledwith. Make a plan and have all your ducks in a row xx

There’s no clear indication in the OP that’s he’s controlling or abusive, merely that you don’t like him and have pretty much checked out of the relationship now you’ve moved on to university and are exposed to new people and opportunities. You made a decision to have a child with this man before you were in a financially independent position to so you need to take responsibility for that. You can’t have it all your own way. If you want to leave the relationship you’ll have to find a way to support your child because being a full time student is a luxury you will no longer be able to afford. What you’re actually asking here is how can I have my cake and eat it.

@PinkMochi

Sometimes I wonder if “he’s controlling” can also mean “he knows I’m not having sex with him and thinks I might dump him and is insecure about me going out and potentially meeting new men”
Which in this case would be a correct assumption on his part. I’m not saying he’s behaving ideally but reactions to these situations often assume the male partner thinks all is well and is naturally controlling, when often it may be insecurity coming from the fact they’re about to be dumped.

@PinkTonic

There’s no clear indication in the OP that’s he’s controlling or abusive, merely that you don’t like him and have pretty much checked out of the relationship now you’ve moved on to university and are exposed to new people and opportunities. You made a decision to have a child with this man before you were in a financially independent position to so you need to take responsibility for that. You can’t have it all your own way. If you want to leave the relationship you’ll have to find a way to support your child because being a full time student is a luxury you will no longer be able to afford. What you’re actually asking here is how can I have my cake and eat it.

Excellent summary

@SaltyPepper
I read the him questioning where shes going etc basically being an attempt at him concealing his frustration at basically having to sit in an office for eight hours a day while shes out "flourishing" and he pays the bills, all the while sensing that she doesnt fancy him, dealing with insecurity at the idea that she might be off and hes being taken for a mug. It's how I'd feel anyway.

I had only read some respobses before posting and im happy reading more to see people calling @AnnieLande out. You are just plain wrong. You dont want the man but you want him to pay for you. I truly hope he sees the light and leaves you ASAP.

You can support yourself with your 25k like a normal person would. Most people dont even have such a sum of money. Why do you feel so entitled to be paid for?

*You're 2 months into your degree. Unless it is a qualification that will absolutely land you in a megabucks career directly after graduation, you simply cannot afford to stay at university. You need an income. Not to scrounge off your partner who you plan to dump as soon as you graduate. That's unbearably

Annie on another thread where you describe your feelings for your lecturer you specifically say you are married. Which is it?

No you don't have to stay and suck it up. No one should stay in a relationship simply because they think they should. It would be bad for you, for him and for your child.

So if you want to leave, you need to make a plan. It's overwhelming of course because you have a small child and virtually no income. But it is possible, zillions of women do it.

Good advice upthread about getting advice from student services and so on. Rake in all the information so you have some facts to work with.

Maybe he will move out and be ok with you staying in the house for a year or so while you work out a plan. Maybe he'll buy you out. Maybe you need to sell up, take your share and use it to secure a rental. I know it's not what you hoped for or imagined, but it'll be ok.

Put the savings in an account in your childs name