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Original poster

Husband paid for only fans

53 replies

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 09:21

Looking for advise.
My husband paid for only fans 10 months ago. He paid for two subscriptions, one was one of the high earners on only fans. The other was an old school friend of mine.
I have looked through everything and am aware he only paid two subscription costs, so basically viewed both girls for a month. It was a chance finding that I found out he had subscribed to my school friend, no snooping on my part. He was like a deer in headlights when he realised I knew.

We obviously had a huge talk and he didn’t realise I felt this was cheating. I understand only fans can be a grey area in a relationship (I.e porn okay, but not girls on only fans) which is how I view he. He just viewed it as porn.
He said he would not watch it again, and also said he wouldn’t watch porn again. To my knowledge he hasn’t. Sex has been loads better which leads me to believe him.
However it’s been 10 months and I’m still dwelling on it. I still wonder why he effectively chose them over me - he was refusing sex at the time. I question whether he finds me as attractive as he says he does, because I look nothing like those girls.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to get over it. I don’t want to blame him anymore because yes he’s done it and that’s his fault. But in my eyes he’s turned it all around since, he’s been open with banking and his phone etc. Like I said sex is so much better than before when he was watching porn. So I know he’s changed.
Has anyone been in this situation or one similar? I’m feeling a bit lost.
We have two boys also who I don’t want affected by any of it.

OP posts:

Pinkbucket · 16/11/2021 09:51

I was in a similar situation in a long term marriage . He said the same but I felt the same as you describe . For me the trust was gone and I simply couldn’t feel desirable with him with made it impossible to want to be intimate I ended up leaving .sorry I don’t have any advice only my own experience to tell .

ErickBroch · 16/11/2021 10:02

I feel like you, it would eat away at me and I would not be able to forget it. I am not sure of your relationship, but if my DP did that, I would be absolutely devastated and shocked. I don't think I could get over it. The fact he actually paid to follow someone you know is the worst, for me, than a generic woman who is the 'top earner' who is the equivalent to a big-name porn star.

HappenstanceMarmite · 16/11/2021 10:09

Would your friend have known it was him too?

Freddy12 · 16/11/2021 10:33

Somehow seems worse looking at a friend of yours, did he have any chat with her ? Seems odd to seek out wife’s friend unless there was some particular reason to
Paying for only fans seems worse than random porn

astoundedgoat · 16/11/2021 10:39

Were they just subscriptions to view their material, or was he paying for them to do things? I agree with the above - it does feel worse than random porn, although on the other hand, if you're going to view porn, paying for Only Fans is more ethical than viewing free stuff which is usually effectively stolen and is often there without the consent of the performers. At least with Only Fans, the performer has control and is being paid what she sees as fair for her work.

Also, how much info do the women receive on OF? Do they actually see "Jack Kitchen, Winchester WC3 9AR" just subscribed" or just JK or something? Beause oh the MORTIFICATION if your friend knows it was him. You'd probably have to divorce him out of embarrassment.

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 12:17

He only paid for a month subscription. No chats between him and either of the people he subscribed to, no payments or requests for personal videos. He just looked at their content that was there and that was it. - this sounds like I’m minimising it, which I’m not, he was an ass.

I guess the usual tail on Mumsnet is partner is caught out, then continues to deny things, then you find out things are worse than you thought. Whereas he didn’t have time to delete anything as I found out in front of him and he was then honest and went through everything with me, answered all my questions, told me his thought process. Since then he’s given me no reason not to trust him either.
He used a different email address and different name, so she definitely doesn’t know it was him. We last spoke last year, shortly before she set up her only fans. So she’s not exactly a close friend.

I’m just gutted, I literally don’t know how to move on from it. I guess it would be easier if he had been horrible since or if he did something else.

OP posts:

tarasmalatarocks · 16/11/2021 12:35

I think an awful lot of men get a buzz from doing something they know full well their partners would utterly disapprove of, which is why I actually think he sought out your friend. The secrecy is part of the thrill in many cases, as big as, if not more so than the content. Sad, but then I’ve come to the conclusion that many men are as mad as a box of frogs in hunting for illicit thrills

Opaljewel · 16/11/2021 12:45

I think using a different name and email suggests he knew it was wrong...

Pascal80 · 16/11/2021 12:51

I think it is repulsive and if my husband did that I couldn't take the deceit, and I certainly would never want sex with him again - it would switch off that feeling in my head. I would be out.

Sexytimeusername · 16/11/2021 12:53

It's great that he ethically paid for porn that's directly financially benefiting content creators.

The schoolfriend thing though - has he met her, or is it a horrible coincidence?

Animood · 16/11/2021 13:03

Sounds like he has genuinely changed and your sex life js now better which is great.

It can be hard to get the trust back though.

Animood · 16/11/2021 13:04

@Sexytimeusername

It's great that he ethically paid for porn that's directly financially benefiting content creators.

The schoolfriend thing though - has he met her, or is it a horrible coincidence?

Paying for porn isn't what I'd consider to be "great" behaviour tbh.

I realise all couples have different expectations about porn/ boundaries which is why it's so important to talk about these things.

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 13:09

I wish we had talked about porn boundaries previously, but it’s something that can’t be changed now.
He definitely knew it was her, I think they may have met in 2014/2015ish, he hasn’t seen her since. He told me that it wasn’t an accident that he paid for it, something I’d assumed he would try and say to diminish responsibility.

Before this I would totally have been the one in the comments saying ‘LTB’ but now I feel torn.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 13:11

@Animood

Sounds like he has genuinely changed and your sex life js now better which is great.

It can be hard to get the trust back though.

Exactly this. Sex life is definitely better now, but I still feel angry at times and hurt that he did it. I feel like I should have got over it by now and our relationship should be back to what it was. But instead I feel like daily I have these thoughts and questions about what he did. I wish I could feel better about it but I don’t know how.

OP posts:

RubyTuesday70 · 16/11/2021 13:21

You're not feeling better, because time hasn't lessened what he did.

He's absolved his conscience, dumped it onto you to deal with, and moved on.

I think your gut is screaming at you here, maybe listen to it?

And how many other email addresses does he have?

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 13:38

I’m not really sure he’s just dumped it on me and forgot about it. He didn’t exactly stand and openly offload all this information, then never want to discuss it again. But you are right in that I don’t feel better about what he did.

He has 3 other email addresses, he deleted the one he used for onlyfans.

OP posts:

Buildingthefuture · 16/11/2021 13:44

I do not understand Only Fans, so forgive my ignorance, but if he hasn't actually had any personal chats or interaction with these women, is this not just the same as porn? Like paying for a porn film when he was staying in a hotel? (can you even still do that? I'm showing my age!!) If so, its a bit grim, but not the end of the world for me. If porn was always a stated boundary for you, fair enough, but if not and he has changed for the better like you say, I would put it behind you, particularly if your relationship is good overall. To do that, I would recommend doing some work with a therapist on living in the present because continuing to torture yourself over things in the past can ruin your life x

Namenic · 16/11/2021 13:53

I’m anti porn and due to DH knowing my boundaries, would consider it cheating if he broke them. However, if there was a grey area and he may not have known my boundaries and he made a big effort to change afterwards, I’d try and work at it. I’d try and communicate with him with possibly some counselling too.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 16/11/2021 13:55

It's been two years for me since I found out. It doesn’t feel as raw anymore, but I wouldn't say I'm over it. As a PP said, time doesn't alter his behaviour. He did something knowing it would hurt me and possibly got off on that fact too. He risked our relationship/family and was deceptive so that he could jerk off to other women, it's not something that makes you feel particularly loved. I just feel less now. Less about him, our relationship and myself. I still don't know if I'll stay, am just taking things a day at a time. No advice I'm afraid, just letting you know that it's not just you and its not unreasonable for you to feel hurt about it still.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 16/11/2021 13:59

I'm not saying you should walk away though. I just mean don't be too hard on yourself for not being over it.

rampitup · 16/11/2021 14:21

@tarasmalatarocks

100% agree with this.

Some cam girls know about this, and you can get 'naughty' schoolgirl types who role-play and advertise that they 'love' married men as it turns them on to know the wife is in the next room or asleep, etc. as the husband is whispering.

I know this because I was compulsively trying to track down my ex's profile on Adultwork and I've unfortunately seen and read things which I really wish I hadn't. But you live and learn.

HarrisonStickle · 16/11/2021 14:24

he didn’t realise I felt this was cheating

This is nonsense. Why the different email? Why the deer in headlights look when he was caught? He knew perfectly well that what he was doing was something that broke the boundaries of your marriage.

tarasmalatarocks · 16/11/2021 15:03

He knew full well it wasn’t ok OP— hence why different emails etc. As I said above, that’s part of the illicit buzz with some men. It’s up to you how you feel about it, personally having put up with virtually daily secretive porn for years I wish I had just accepted we are on a different page about such stuff and moved on a good few years ago

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 16:08

@tarasmalatarocks @HarrisonStickle you are both right about this. But I’m just looking for a way for me to deal with my emotions, whether that includes doing that with him or not. Because regardless of what he has done or whether or not we stay together I still need to someone deal with the emotional side of it actually just happening to me.

OP posts:

Allsortsofroses · 16/11/2021 16:22

Porn is not great (a lot of ethical issues) ..... but the personal aspect of it, in paying for access to particular womens' images/videos etc but above all a woman you know is the boundary crossing behaviour to me.

And i would also say he was perfectly perfectly that time of porn crossed your line. It would certainly cross mine, before even getting onto it being someone we both know (Even if he only met her once or so).

If it didn't cross your line, why would he have hidden it to that extent.

But he's buklshotying anyway, i think.

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