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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband paid for only fans

53 replies

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 09:21

Looking for advise.
My husband paid for only fans 10 months ago. He paid for two subscriptions, one was one of the high earners on only fans. The other was an old school friend of mine.
I have looked through everything and am aware he only paid two subscription costs, so basically viewed both girls for a month. It was a chance finding that I found out he had subscribed to my school friend, no snooping on my part. He was like a deer in headlights when he realised I knew.

We obviously had a huge talk and he didn’t realise I felt this was cheating. I understand only fans can be a grey area in a relationship (I.e porn okay, but not girls on only fans) which is how I view he. He just viewed it as porn.
He said he would not watch it again, and also said he wouldn’t watch porn again. To my knowledge he hasn’t. Sex has been loads better which leads me to believe him.
However it’s been 10 months and I’m still dwelling on it. I still wonder why he effectively chose them over me - he was refusing sex at the time. I question whether he finds me as attractive as he says he does, because I look nothing like those girls.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to get over it. I don’t want to blame him anymore because yes he’s done it and that’s his fault. But in my eyes he’s turned it all around since, he’s been open with banking and his phone etc. Like I said sex is so much better than before when he was watching porn. So I know he’s changed.
Has anyone been in this situation or one similar? I’m feeling a bit lost.
We have two boys also who I don’t want affected by any of it.

OP posts:

Allsortsofroses · 16/11/2021 16:23

Bull shitting!

tarasmalatarocks · 16/11/2021 16:27

I know exactly how you feel- I spoke to a counsellor at the time (5 years ago) and her advice to me was to allow yourself a half hour a day to think about it- and then carry on as if it wasn’t there- but in future to 100% prioritise myself- they go to the back of the queue.— otherwise it was all consuming. She also said that because I had chosen not to leave ‘now’ To retain in my head the right to decide at any point that I no longer want this relationship— unlike on mumsnet where people are expected to pack up and leave someone within half an hour of discovering shitty behaviour, in the real world you as the one ‘shat’ on , should dictate the time scale — not the other person and see if your feelings change - and how they show by words and actions if they are deeply sorry. I would also keep vigilant as he may have got into a ‘habit ‘ of this and now try to hide similar behaviour— not affairs, but sleazy deceitful stuff

Allsortsofroses · 16/11/2021 16:27

If you reverse circumstances, with some mate of his who's a fitness model and maybe does male escorting and has an only fans profile (no idea if men have them for non gay audienxe, probably v few as usual) ..... would he still be there, trying to bake ot work, having sex with you etc??

Allsortsofroses · 16/11/2021 16:30

(Make it work!)

Allsortsofroses · 16/11/2021 16:32

Hundreds of thousands of women working in various aspects of porn, and he had to seek out someone you know.

Lampzade · 16/11/2021 16:43

@Allsortsofroses

Hundreds of thousands of women working in various aspects of porn, and he had to seek out someone you know.

I would find it difficult to forgive him, because he sought out someone I knew. I would be wondering if he was fantasising about this individual.

happinesscherries · 16/11/2021 16:53

why did he go for the woman you know? did he realise it was her? was it intrigue?

A part of me wholly understands why if it was someone closer to home i'd have a look. Like if a porn star moved into my street i'd 100% have a nosey.

I'm personally against paying for porn because it feels weird to me when it's free online. But then, there wouldn't be a huge market with people making tons of money. I don't think it's that different to paying for a porn video like you used to before the internet and therefore I don't think it's awful.

It's just the friend / person you know angle i'd struggle with. He was forthcoming with the information which would help me to trust him. I just don't think anyone would openly tell their partner about their sexual views online as it's considered taboo, so I don't find it suspicious he hid it from you originally. I find it very very encouraging that he didn't then minimize/lie/deceive when you saw.

Pinkbucket · 16/11/2021 19:51

Well I wonder what these guys would say if their wives started an emotional affair with a man and because it ‘ hadn’t been explicitly discussed she said ‘ oh I didn’t think it was cheating , we didn’t have sex ‘
I mean men seriously think we are so stupid that unless we sit down and think of every possible scenario they could pull and spell out ‘ I consider it cheating ‘ that it then gives them a free pass
It’s a bullshit mysogynistic eat if men manipulating women and gaslighting them to accept various types of sex work,porn , Affairs etc

Pinkbucket · 16/11/2021 19:53

@happinesscherries
‘
It's just the friend / person you know angle i'd struggle with. He was forthcoming with the information which would help me to trust him. I just don't think anyone would openly tell their partner about their sexual views online as it's considered taboo, so I don't find it suspicious he hid it from you originally. I find it very very encouraging that he didn't then minimize/lie/deceive when you saw.’

So you wouldn’t struggle with him rejecting you I. Favour of getting off women he paid for . OP says he lost interest in her and preferred that
That would be cool with you ?

Pinkbucket · 16/11/2021 20:03

@happinesscherries are you are woman or a man ? When you say if a porn star moved in down the street you’d have a look do you mean woman. ‘An , both ?
Personally I couldn’t give a shit.

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 16/11/2021 21:46

@tarasmalatarocks

Thank you for this, it’s really helpful, especially the part about ensuring I have the right to leave at any time. I feel I need this decision of I’m either leaving and that’s that, or we stay together and I shouldn’t be thinking or speaking about it again… By that I mean that’s how I feel, not what my husband has asked to happen or anything. Anytime I’ve bought it up he’s talked about it and answered my questions.

OP posts:

tarasmalatarocks · 16/11/2021 22:02

My H was fine for about 2 months and after that got incredibly irritated if I was ever upset or mentioned it. I know he was upset that he had made me incredibly disappointed in him and didn’t like reminding of his shitty behaviour— I have stayed OP as I do care, but in all honesty I’ve never felt the same on a sexual/romantic level , however I am pragmatic and not in a great position to just leave and on many levels we get on well. If I do leave it will to be on my own too as approaching 60, I am very disappointed in a lot of men these days generally— so many female friends who have been crapped on as they have got older in an assortment of ways.

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 22:24

OP,

I think @tarasmalatarocks is giving great advice.

The thing is you are putting yourself under huge pressure to forgive, forget, move on.

You can't force forgiveness.
All that does is cause additional distress and anxiety.

I think you have to accept that you are going to feel like this for as long as you feel like it.

You want to feel better so that you can make a decision to stay.

Again, this is you putting massive pressure on yourself.

All of the things you are putting yourself under pressure to do, benefits him.

You need to be thinking of you.

I think you need to try and accept that things are unlikely to ever return to how they were.

I think you need to accept that you may decide in the future that you no longer want to be with him.

You best chance of getting through this, is stop putting pressure on yourself to forgive and forget.

Give yourself time.
Make no promises.

I don't believe it is possible to feel the same as before, but maybe you can move forward with him and feel something different that is still positive.

I agree with the therapist mentioned above, put yourself first from now on.

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 17/11/2021 10:59

Thank you for these messages, I really appreciate it. I think I’m going to book myself in for some counselling

OP posts:

sandy354 · 17/11/2021 11:07

*He was like a deer caught in headlights

He didn't realise I'd class it as cheating

We hadn't discussed boundaries so maybe it's my fault* (ive paraphrased this one)

It can't be all of these. He knew what he was doing was wrong and done it anyway. You need to decide if you can forgive that or not

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2021 11:18

FYI, cheaters often get better at sex, so are you sure it's only his porn habit that has changed?

I mean either that or he has got better ar sex because he is fantasising about your bloody mate whilst shagging you

Think I'd have to get rid op.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2021 11:20

Also, there are some boundaries that are fucking obvious so no it is not your fault for not spelling them out to him. Only fans is a huge nono. And you can tell by his reaction that he knew damn fine.

Sakurami · 17/11/2021 11:21

I think OF is better than more traditional porn as less likely for the girls to be exploited? It is off that it was your friend though. He tried it for 2 months and must have realised that being with you is much better than this sordid fantasy land.

If you accept porn, then I would say this is better, especially as there is no interaction, just viewing their content.

nocnoc · 17/11/2021 11:24

He knew it was wrong or he’d have said when he signed up that he’d paid to follow your friend. I think there’s a difference between watching anonymous porn and paying to see your friend so he can ejaculate over her. It’s grim.

RantyAunty · 17/11/2021 11:32

It truly is gross, especially to seek out your friend.

I think it's wise as PP said to take your time with this and not rush to sweep it under the rug.

Somehow women are just supposed to accept the nasty bs men do.
I wish all of them that are flippant about it, could get a taste of their own medicine. Finding pics of naked men on your phone, being extra friendly with a male friend, etc.

There's nothing ethical about OF. The founders are garden variety pimps laughing all the way to the bank off the backs of women.

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 17/11/2021 12:21

I agree that it’s all massively shitty of him to do. I also know I’m not to blame.
@Pinkbonbon he’s definitely not physically cheated. I don’t want to out myself by saying how I know. But yeah I’m 100% sure of this.

OP posts:

Fidgetty · 17/11/2021 12:42

It's a difficult one. I went through something similar with my husband. It wasn't only fans but using Facebook images of women he knows and ex girlfriends as wank fodder

It's been over a year since I confronted him about it and while he apologised and things have moved on and improved, I'm still not over it to be honest. The trust is irreparably damaged as is my self-esteem. It's very sad as we otherwise have a lovely life and used to have a great sex life. I find it very difficult to get out of my head now as I'm worried he's thinking about other women during sex.

I used to be quite confident but it's definitely left it's mark. No advice I'm afraid OP as I'm just plodding along living with the disappointment while trying to push it out of my head. To me it feels similar to cheating and I would never accept cheating so it feels I'm tolerating behaviour I shouldn't but then as it's not "actual" physical cheating it seems crazy and an overreaction to end a marriage/upend children's lives over something like this.

Lampzade · 17/11/2021 12:44

I agree that you should give yourself time and not come to a decision that you are uncomfortable with.
However, I would still be pissed off that he paid to see a friend of mine. That is the sort of fantasy that you should keep to yourself

Fidgetty · 17/11/2021 12:49

He did something knowing it would hurt me and possibly got off on that fact too. He risked our relationship/family and was deceptive so that he could jerk off to other women, it's not something that makes you feel particularly loved. I just feel less now. Less about him, our relationship and myself. I still don't know if I'll stay, am just taking things a day at a time.

I really resonate with this. I feel exactly the same.

Original poster

Wobblykitchen · 17/11/2021 13:08

I feel I should reiterate the discovery happened about 10 months ago. We shipped the boys off to my parents and had it out back then, where he basically told me everything. We had a bad month then things kind of tailed off and weren’t discussed. He is aware that it’s on my mind most days now though. People responding ‘get rid’ I don’t feel I’m at the point now where I have that gut instinct to stay or leave. I think in my gut I feel like I want to stay with him, it’s the emotional repercussions I’m trying to deal with now.

OP posts:

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