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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 30 years affair

77 replies

PO2000 · 15/11/2021 13:43

Hi I found out last year my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. He swore it was just fantasy texting and said it was over, I was devastated but we’ve had a fantastic marriage and after a while we started to put things back together. Things were good or so I thought. I found out a few weeks ago the texting had started again. They’d met for coffees at work and now I’ve found out they’ve kissed, multiple times. He says it’s over again it was a mistake, but I don’t know, do I repair it again or do I walk away

OP posts:

Mantlemoose · 15/11/2021 13:45

No one can tell you what to do. Me, I wouldn't have been able to forgive the first affair. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

ZealAndArdour · 15/11/2021 13:45

Walk away (as difficult as that will be), he couldn’t be trusted with his precious second chance, what’s going to change with a third?

Preg19 · 15/11/2021 13:46

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I would find it hard to forgive and to believe him now he’s done it twice. Obviously it’s up to you but I don’t think I could forgive a 2nd time

samesign · 15/11/2021 13:48

It's telling you what you want to hear that he won't do it again but he lies and can't be trusted. This must be hard for you to think of separation after all this time but when he's started an affair I think it's time to tell him to pack his bags.

Fl0w3ry · 15/11/2021 14:13

It will eat you alive and eventually change your behaviour and your own personality. It will start to make you feel suspicious and insecure in the long term and start to effect your self-esteem. If you are able I would leave. He has done it twice, he is very likely to keep doing it if you give him multiple chances, believe me.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/11/2021 14:31

Walk. You'll never trust him again and nor should you.

Voice of bitter and recent experience here. You should have ditched him the first time - I get why you didn't.

Bookworm20 · 15/11/2021 14:33

30 years is a long time. But even then I think I would walk away.
Hes done it twice now. So the first time wasn't just a stupid glitch or a mistake for him, was it?

I think that would be the decider for me. That simple fact that you were working on things and doing great and you'd given him a second chance and hes done it again. I couldn't stay with someone who could o that.
I'm so sorry OP, it must be devastating.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 15/11/2021 14:36

What Bookworm has said.

SW1amp · 15/11/2021 14:55

Are you completely sure it wasn't more physical than just kissing?

If you want to repair it, and after 30 years, that would be completely understandable, the absolute minimum he needs to do is cut ALL contact with her, and start looking for a new job.

Counselling for both of you is also probably very wise, regardless of what you want to do

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/11/2021 14:59

My now exdh has an emotional affair and it nearly broke me. It was his capacity for deceit that was the killer. He too confessed to a kiss. I found out 3 years later it wasn't 'just' a kiss, they'd had sex on several occasions but he was only admitting to what I could prove. I finally left at that point.

In your shoes op there's no way I could have survived another betrayal. The problem with emotional affairs is that the intensity of the conversations can feel worse than a drunken shag. It's the time and emotional effort that they put into the affair that they should be putting into their family

So sorry this haps happened to you op. I hope you find your anger soon

justgettingonwith · 15/11/2021 15:04

How dare he do this after receiving a second chance. The audacity of the man. He obviously thinks he can do whatever he likes and you'll just roll over and accept it.

I know it's tough but he's not the man he used to be. The man you were married to died somewhere along the line. Bring this relationship to an end and then you have a chance of finding happiness. Sorry you've had to experience this.

Howareyouflower · 15/11/2021 15:08

Having been through something similar I'd say walk.

tabletennistop · 15/11/2021 15:11

I too doubt it was just an emotional affair. I suspect the first affair was full blown, they cooled it when under suspicion and then started up again.

He's proved beyond doubt that he is untrustworthy. A man realising they could lose their marriage and seeing the pain the affair caused their wife is the jolt that causes some men to genuinely regret what they did, value what they have with their wife, and work to make sure they keep it. This did not happen with your husband.

If you stay I think you need to accept he is likely to continue to have affairs, at the very least you will constantly suspect. So you need to decide if you want to live like that.

Sorry OP.

DontBeADodo · 15/11/2021 15:12

Yeah, walk with head held high

AmIteallythatstupid · 15/11/2021 15:19

I genuinely think everyone deserves a second chance and if that someone is lucky enough to be given one then they should cherish that opportunity. He has betrayed you a second time so i'm afraid thats it. He doesn't deserve you or any further opportunities to put right his wrong.

When someone witnesses the pain they have caused and then repeats the behaviour that caused it nooooooo it makes me so cross!!!

Lovinglife45 · 15/11/2021 15:26

I am so sorry OP.

First it was texting then it supposedly stopped then they reunited again and kissed multiple times. He witnessed your pain and chose to disregard this in pursuit of what made him feel good.

How did you discover this?
Did he leave a trail or confess?

I will say every time you allow the goal post to be moved, you will die inside that little bit more. I was fed the same lie as you. As time went on more infidelities were discovered. I allowed the goalposts to be moved to the point that I had lost respect for myself, did not recognise who I had become, I hated who I was and my life in general.

Nobody deserves to be demeaned and humiliated in this way. You do not owe him anything.

workshy44 · 15/11/2021 15:30

It will turn you into something you are not if you stay. They have almost certainly had sex, probably since the first affair.
I understand why you stayed the first time. I think I would if I had 30 years of a great marriage but he either doesn't love you or thinks you are a complete doormat if he has done it again. He obviously is completely unconcerned about losing you. He will definitely do it again if you stay, seeing as he has done it twice and you will have stayed he knows a third time won't result in a different outcome. if you are happy to love with him cheating then stay. I'm sorry i think they are your only choices

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2021 15:31

I'd bet my house they've done far more than kiss, but it wouldn't really matter. He's a cheat and he can't be trusted. Don't allow him to keep making a fool out of you.

Lovinglife45 · 15/11/2021 15:39

It is likely your husband never stopped seeing the ow. They may have cooled things for a while because of your discovery. The texts you saw may be the few he forgot to delete.

You can only go on the information you have to hand. How can you trust him not to lie at this point?

ittakes2 · 15/11/2021 15:43

I am very sorry. I think at any chapter in our lives dramatic change is scary, but after 30 years you are likely to have thought about your future always being together.
Honestly, it will be painful but you need to walk away and if he really wants you he will chase you. That's the only way for you to no for sure. He's done this twice now - these things don't happen accidentally and you know it. It might not be that he doesn't love you - he might be just going through a mid life crisis and want the ego boost - but he needs to lose what he has to feel he lost something treasured...or not. Its a risky move and you might end up alone - but you have to decide is being alone better than being in a marriage shit scared he is cheating on you.

justgettingonwith · 15/11/2021 15:47

You're not suggesting she should take him back after leaving him @ittakes2 ? Surely not?

I agree he will probably be devastated, but he brought it on himself.

JuneOsborne · 15/11/2021 15:48

30 years and this is how he treats you?

I'd be fucking livid. Untangling 30 years together must be utterly awful, so I can see why you'd be tempted to not even try to untangle it.

But he's treating you like shit, and I don't know if I could cope with that.

I really, really feel for you

AngusThermopyle · 15/11/2021 15:50

That isn't a 'mistake' . A one off kiss and nothing again might be a mistake, this is a pro longed (on off) relationship.
I've been with my DH 30 odd years and as much as I love him and our life I would never forgive him if he did this and it would be an easy choice to walk away. I realise it may not be an easy choice for you, but I personally could never trust him again. 💐

Yusanaim · 15/11/2021 15:57

What situation will you be in on your own ? Do you have a good job, a good pension, kids left home, will you get to keep the house, family and friends nearby, if yes then seriously think of leaving. If not you prob need advice about finances etc first.

WatieKatie · 15/11/2021 15:57

It never is just a kiss OP. Minimising is rule number 2 in the philanderers handbook. Rule number 1 is total denial and making out it’s you.

Don’t give him a third opportunity to disrespect you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

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