Husband of 30 years affair

[PO2000]

Hi I found out last year my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. He swore it was just fantasy texting and said it was over, I was devastated but we’ve had a fantastic marriage and after a while we started to put things back together. Things were good or so I thought. I found out a few weeks ago the texting had started again. They’d met for coffees at work and now I’ve found out they’ve kissed, multiple times. He says it’s over again it was a mistake, but I don’t know, do I repair it again or do I walk away

He’ll carry on with it with or without your knowledge or consent. So your choice is staying with someone who is cheating or leaving someone who is cheating.

The thing is if you stay with him you're basically giving him the message that he can do what he likes as you won't leave him.

@PO2000

Personally - I think after 30 years of marriage it’s not completely unimaginable to me that someone might get a bit curious about other people. And even have a crush.
However - I think communication and honesty about it is important.

The first time it all happened - did the two of you have any couple’s counselling? Did you talk in a raw and bare way about how the both of you feel about the relationship. Did he think and reflect on what he was looking for / getting out of his fantasy interactions?

You obviously don’t have to stay with him. But if you do - I think just brushing things under a carpet isn’t the right approach. I think you beed to talk and listen. And possibly figure out a way for the marriage to survive.

If you decide to go that way - read E.Perel’s The State of the Affair. It can help you think about what has been going on with him and how you two may approach healing.

It's not over. He has not ended it. He is waiting to see how much he can get away with and there will be so much more to this than just kissing. No married man having any kind of an affair is 'just kissing'.
He wants his cake and eat it.
If this were me I would be deciding what to do because doing nothing is giving him a green light to carry on

Threads like this make me feel sad why do women put up with this

Ema52
When you discover your husband has been unfaithful, it knocks you sideways. You lose all sense of yourself and feel totally abandoned. I remember feeling panicked. I was desperate for reassurance that my husband did love me despite doing such an awful act. I realised that too much of my value and self worth was tied up in being his wife and concluded that if he did not honour me then I was worthless.

Some women are able to forgive and reconcile, some women stay but do not forgive and others leave.

I wanted to try and save my marriage, for me, my dc. It is difficult to walk away from a home you have built and years of memories. After almost three years I left. My mental health was deteriorating, we were arguing, there was tension and an awful atmosphere in the home.

I take my hat off to women who reconcile and go on to have a happy marriage. I could not do it.

The trust has gone.

How many chances does he get?

So sorry, you deserve better.

Well the trust has totally gone and will never come back. It’s likely if you stay with him he will continue the affair and if this one ends it’s likely there will be another one as he will realise he can do that if you decide to stay with him. It depends how you feel about your life as a whole with him. Plenty of people here will tell you to leave etc but after 30 years together and being older (I’m guessing you’re at least in your 50s?) things aren’t always that simple and lots of people do decide to turn a blind eye and stay together for financial and family reasons, seeing each other more as long term family members rather than romantic partners. It really depends how you feel about your future - whether you could be happier single and starting again or not. No one here can really tell you that.

No response from OP

It sounds to me as if when you discovered it he was just not prepared to give it up.
Affairs are based on lies and cheaters get used to lying to everyone. The way to keep it all going is to ensure everyone hears what they want/ need to hear to keep it going. It’s their stock in trade and it won’t stop until they wake up to what they are doing to everyone (including themselves), decide to grow up and/ or make a firm commitment to change, to their marriage, and most importantly to you.
It isn’t a case of ‘turning a blind eye’ if you decide to stay and give him a chance, it would be rebuilding from the ground up, with him shouldering the work.
‘The work’ being end the affair immediately, with your full knowledge, give in his notice immediately and look for a new job elsewhere, plenty of self introspection about why he lies, why he did this, including counselling if necessary, openness and honesty in all he does (no privacy for a while if you need him to) and he has to show you that you and the marriage are his priority. It can be done, but is extremely hard after one betrayal let alone two. It’s the same woman so more than likely all he’s up to, but he needs to ditch her from his life totally or you will go crazy.
If you think you’re up to it and he fully commits, it can be done. You need to see this happening, words are cheap. Good luck op. X

You need to leave. He is just getting in deeper with this woman and is not prepared to give her up. Sounds a lot more then an emotional affair. Sorry this is happening to you x

What did you do? I found out my husband had an EA with added facetime wanking. Currently still together.

Zombie!

I’ve since changed my username I’m no longer lost or hurting. I left bought a house and enjoying being single focusing on me and my children. He got together with his affair partner and his relationship with the kids isn’t the best. He drinks too much, has put on weight and constantly complains about money or the lack of it to the kids. He is extremely jealous of what I have managed to achieve. I have no idea what his relationship is like with the OW but I doubt it’s all roses as a leopard and frankly I don’t give a damn. Looking back OW did me a favour although it didn’t feel like it at the time.

I’ve been working on myself and my boundaries and trying to get fit. Havnt dated because frankly I don’t want to I’m happy as I am I don’t need a man to define me and he would have to be fucking awesome for me to give up the life i now have.

I will never ever accept anything less than kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness from the person who claims to love me and make sure that I love myself too and that I am kind to myself.

I hope @HandlebarLadyTash you are able to work out what you need from your situation and ensure that you are not at the bottom of the list. One of the realisations I had was that I was always at the bottom of a very long list and put the needs of everyone else above my own. It’s ok to communicate those needs and to have healthy boundaries and a good partner will accept that.

A person can be unhappy in a relationship but they need to communicate that not cheat on their partner.

Thats a great update.

Well done you.

Leaving him to his confusion caused by himself is best, you owe him nothing.

It is rare that affairs result in long term happiness.

i strongly believe people do make mistakes and, in some cases, should be allowed a second chance. If they do the same again then that is a choice and a choice they made with the full knowledge of the hurt they will inflict so I’m sorry no you I would certainly end things this time. As painful as that is x

Great update!

You have turned your life around - well done you!

So lovely to read the update OP.
I left someone who I had been messaging other women and he claimed he had not “actually cheated”. I was also at the bottom of his list of priorities. When you are in the relationship you forgive so much, you start to believe “it’s not actually cheating”.
When I decided to leave, he got emotional and there was a lot of begging. I felt guilty as he would lose a home, he didn’t have any other family. It took me 5 years and 3 attempts to leave.
Looking back and I realise how unhappy I really was. I will never allow myself to get involved with anyone like that again.

He’s taken the second chance you gave him and torn it up

what do you want to do now?
do you believe they’ve only kissed?
do you think he’s telling you stuff to limit damage?

Fabulous to hear your update op, very inspirational

Brilliant update - especially for so many women who're giving men countless chances and always ending up at the bottom of the pile.
Well done you - no doubt it wasn't easy.

Why did he not swap jobs and completely disconnect from this person? I am so sorry for you.
Your husband needs to prove that he has changed by putting strict changes in place such as changing jobs - of his own motivation.
I would call it quits.

Thank you ladies really appreciate all the kind messages.

Not gonna lie it was fucking hard not seeing my kids every other weekend, at the beginning it hurt like hell. I cried so many tears not for him but the life I thought we had and the life I thought we were going to have. After all we had been together most of my adult life at this point.

Now I enjoy my weekends, I travel, I socialise so much more (cos misery guts didn’t have friends and didn’t like socialising at all).

My ex also followed the “script” he

• minimised the extent of the cheating so I had 3 months of gaslighting
• crying, begging, pleading and threats to kill himself

I became the worlds best detective and was like a dog with a bone looking back I went a little crazy trying to figure out the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Guess what the whole truth was irrelevant. He had shown me who he was and he showed me very little respect - you don’t do that to someone you claim to love.

When I refused to give him another chance I got to see his real ugly side. I now understand that saying (which I’m about to quote completely inaccurately!) - you see the real person in a time of crisis. And guess what none of his tears were for me but the easy life he had with me.

For me not giving him another chance was the right thing to do.

So for all those ladies who are going through this it’s bloody hard to leave but it is so worth it. My kids struggled initially but its now the new norm for them.

We women don’t realise or appreciate how strong we truly are and we do not need a man to tell us our worth.

Im in my 50s and I’m loving life is it perfect no, I’ve got teenagers and I’m menopausal . Am I happy every day no who is! Bit life now, it’s all on my terms. I chose me.

Wishing you all nothing but the best.

"You see the real person when you say NO to them".

Also true that men like that cry for themselves as they use the threat of self harm to manipulate you.

Hard to believe you can be with someone 30 years and still not know the!

Great to read your general contentment.

I expect he's only telling you the tip of the iceberg in terms of what's gone on

It's time to walk away now. You gave him the second chance which and he's stamped all over it.