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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 30 years affair

77 replies

PO2000 · 15/11/2021 13:43

Hi I found out last year my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. He swore it was just fantasy texting and said it was over, I was devastated but we’ve had a fantastic marriage and after a while we started to put things back together. Things were good or so I thought. I found out a few weeks ago the texting had started again. They’d met for coffees at work and now I’ve found out they’ve kissed, multiple times. He says it’s over again it was a mistake, but I don’t know, do I repair it again or do I walk away

OP posts:

HandlebarLadyTash · 15/11/2021 16:01

I think after 30 years I couldn't be arsed to leave.
I would have a talk & see if there was plans to continue with the affair or to end.
We would split it there were plans to continue
I would remain in the marriage if it was going to end
Yes the trust would be gone but i think we have so much shared history i wouldn't want to leave it to start again.

EKGEMS · 15/11/2021 16:11

I've been married 29 years as of next month-damn straight would I divorce and I'd have a shit hot lawyer to help me get what I could in the settlement to boot.

Lovinglife45 · 15/11/2021 16:12

Itakestwo
I agree that OP leaving will wipe the rug from under his feet. Just what he deserves. If after this discovery you stay, he will never respect you. He will of course state that he honours you for forgiving him and is ever so grateful but deep down he will have contempt for you. He will know with assurity that if he cheats again, you will take him back.
Can you handle knowing this?

3luckystars · 15/11/2021 16:14

I’m so sorry.

Cantdecidewhich · 15/11/2021 16:23

I split after 31 years after similar and never looked back, I wanted to keep my self respect intact. It isnt easy but it is possible and I am now married to a lovely man. I hope you find the strength to do the same as they never change, trust me.

BloodyAlarms · 15/11/2021 16:40

You can not believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He as lied twice that you know of. I wouldn't believe that it has only been a kiss - how does he expect you believe that after you know he is a lier?

I know 30 years is a long, long time but I'd leave. I couldn't look him in the eyes again.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Morningsaregreat · 15/11/2021 17:03

Is it possible to find a half-way-house and separate for a period of time. This gives you chance to explore your thoughts with some headspace. Also, maybe explore joint or single therapy during this period. Then armed with a clear head you can make a decision. It also demonstrates the seriousness of the situation very clearly.

Angrymum22 · 15/11/2021 17:10

Having been in your shoes although DH was on verge of full on EA and had not met up with OW. I spotted the signs immediately, which I think surprised DH. Wed had a stressful year then Covid began. DH had told me he had been curious about an ex and she had friend requested him. He was not really active in FB before lockdown so it was all a bit of a thrill.
Twelve months on we are back on track, my DH is back in his normal headspace and has acknowledged how wrong he was.
It appears ex has now left her DH, no idea why they are not local but maybe he too found out or maybe he was having an affair which prompted her knee jerk reaction to go back to someone she knew may play knight in shining armour.
Whatever her reason DH has made it clear he is not wrecking his family. Just to add I’m the big earner and would have no problems if he left. But I still love him and was prepared to give him a second chance. I carry some of the responsibility for the problems we had been experiencing but I would not give him a third chance.
I do have a slightly fluid moral compass so can see it from both sides. I can see why it happens in some marriages and I often despair when women are so certain their husbands would never stray. Perhaps my past experience is why I spotted it from the start.

Irishbookworm · 15/11/2021 17:12

I think everyone will have their own opinion, but truly only you can know if you can get past this. If you decide to allow him to stay then it will be a long hard road back to trust but it’s not impossible.

Hawkins001 · 15/11/2021 17:17

All the best op

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 15/11/2021 17:23

He wants to be with her but he doesn't want the hassle or cost of a divorce
Get yourself a fantastic lawyer while you still have joint finances and have him for infidelity
Sorry this has happened to you, I know this is devastating but find your anger and weep later

IncompleteSenten · 15/11/2021 17:24

Bollocks was it a mistake .
It was and probably still is tbh a series of decisions. He chose over and over and over and over to shut on you.
Every decision to text her.
Every decision to reply to a text.
Every decision to lie to you.
Every decision to be physical with her . (First they never did anything, now he admits they kissed. Yeah. They only admit the absolute minimum. I wouldn't trust that he hasn't slept with her.)

There was no mistake on his part.

He chose to do all of these things. And he chose to carry on doing them after you found out the first time.

He cares that he got caught and he cares about whatever consequences there may be for him.
He doesn't care about his repeated betrayal of you. Only that you know about it.

Phrowzunn · 15/11/2021 17:48

The options you have given are leave or ‘repair it again’, but you didn’t repair anything the first time, you just gave him a pass. Regardless of what you said to him, what you showed him was that he can treat you like nothing and you will stay because you are too scared to leave him. So it depends if you want him to keep doing it or now. It’s not something you can repair. You can either show him that you don’t mind him doing that, or show him that you absolutely won’t stand for that, by leaving.

supersop60 · 15/11/2021 17:55

Ask him to leave.
He needs to see what he could be losing.
And yes - they always minimise.

LowlandLucky · 15/11/2021 17:57

Been there, he and his bit are taking the mick. He wants you to be the bad one and leave because he isn't big enough to do it himself. Don't walk out, take photo copies of all the financial accounts, take half of any joint savings then boot his backside out the door and change the locks, why should you move out

GooodMythicalMorning · 15/11/2021 17:59

I'd leave. My husband had an emotional affair but found out it was much more than that. He's now living with her and was obviously devastated but in a relatively short amount of time got my life back together and now have a lovely boyfriend. Life is much better now and realise now how much I was missing being married to him, so even though he hurt me badly in the long run he's done me a massive favour.

StIvesDreamin · 15/11/2021 18:08

Billy Big Balls clearly thinks you are a push over, doesn't give a shit about your feelings, and isn't worried in the slightest about losing you as evident by him having the affair again. You need to be strong and walk away from him.

layladomino · 15/11/2021 18:14

This must have shaken you to the core.

His first affair was bad enough - but to do it twice, when he knows how much it hurt you and risked your marriage, shows you will never be able to trust him again.

Having promised you it was over, after seeing what he'd risked, he couldn't help himself but go back for more, and lie to you and let you down over and over again.

This means one of two things. Either a) he is in love with her (or thinks he is) and can't keep away or b) he values your marriage so little that he would risk it over someone he isn't that bothered about.

Either way, you can't trust him and he doesn't deserve any more chances.

WonderfulYou · 15/11/2021 18:28

After the first affair there is a slim chance I’d give him a second chance considering it was only emotional but no way would I ever forgive it happening again.

It definitely sounds like it’s leading up to a full sexual affair or even them starting a new relationship with each other.

You know this won’t be the last time so protect your feelings and don’t let him hurt you a third time.

BrilliantBetty · 15/11/2021 18:48

Unlikely just to be kissing.
Was he honest about the kissing or did he only admit to it once you knew about it?
He is minimising the severity of the situation.

Prepare to leave.
How would you feel about testing the water with other men, would that be something you'd be interested in? No harm dipping your toe in the water since he already is.

Ourlady · 15/11/2021 18:55

He has proved that he cannot keep away from her and keeping in contact is more important than your marriage which is an absolutely shitty way to treat you. I wouldn't be giving him another chance.

Begrateful · 15/11/2021 19:16

He is never gonna change....bin him!

Riverlee · 15/11/2021 19:17

Once is a crush, twice is deliberate. The fact that he has been kissing her again tells you all, and not once, but several times. Either she has initiated it, and he can’t say no, or he has Iniatiated it. Either option isn’t good.

As @IncompleteSenten said, he Chose to do this. It’s up to you whether you trust his word, and trust he won’t stray again. Afte4 thirty years, I can understand how this will be tempting. However, already he has started kissing her again (did they actually stop their affair?)

RubyTuesday70 · 15/11/2021 19:22

These were deliberate actions on his part. Knowing how much they would hurt you.

Walk away with your head held high.

Ifeellostandhurt01 · 15/11/2021 20:18

Listen to the lovely people here. I too was in a relationship of 30 years. I was drip fed the truth, oh it was just sexting then the sexting included images/video then it was sex but the sex was terrible so terrible they had to do it multiple times.

Right now I am going through the grief of losing/ending that relationship- well more grieving what will never be.

I also gave him a second chance. My mistake was listening to his words not looking at his actions and also for believing he had told me the whole truth. He minimised as much as possible.

Whilst I am in pain now I know I will come out the other end stronger than ever.

Whilst we were trying I.e the second chance I drove myself crazy checking his phone, tracking him constantly paranoid as to his whereabouts. He was not worthy of that second chance as I discovered he wasn’t that smart and his searches showed me that whilst he was “devastated” over the thought of losing me he was searching sex sites as well as looking OW up.

I won’t lie and say it’s easy as for me it’s still raw but my mental health improved as soon as we separated.

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