How do you arrange sex?!

[Thanksagainand]

Just curious.. both wfh. Dp comes into my room and says he has half an hour between meetings and fancies a quickie. I find it very hard to mentally u turn from what I’m doing to sex. He gets all, ‘oh I won’t ask again then ‘ in a woeful tone. So I say, I don’t like the suprise, ‘ could we book in a time?’
So on his day off he suggests cuddling, but I’ve work to do so I say I have to do this, can we meet at 11. By 11 he’s calling from the bedroom .
I finish off my work by about 11.30 and he hasn’t bothered to put a sheet on or move a dirty plate. I’m supposed to leap onto a bare mattress.
I get irritated because he cba to tuck a sheet in. To me he is only thinking about getting a shag, not giving pleasure, or enjoying something together. Also when he announces he has half an hour, I feel like it’s another chore - I have to drop everything and service him. He gets disgruntled, obviously that we don’t have much sex. It’s because for me it doesn’t feel like a joint thing , it feels like he goes off into some fantasy land and I m not really there.
He doesn’t seem to get that I need cuddles and handholds in the day, not just when he’s sexy. Actually if ever I hug him, it’s like he pulls away somehow? Or am I imagining it.
How can I improve things?

Not easily if your man can’t even see that a sheet needs putting on a bed!

This is grim and unworkable.

Your sex life sounds horrible. Does he watch a lot of porn? It lacks intimacy. How is your relationship in general?

Research and read up on sexual coercion.

Why is this always happening in working hours. Why can't you have sex in the evening or before you get up?

He's a sex pest.

Grim

He sounds utterly awful.

Honestly, he’s treating you like a prostitute, but without the benefit of payment.

What’s the rest of the relationship like? I’m guessing this prince isn’t much use outside of the bedroom either.

Yuck! That's odd behaviour.

It all sounds very forced.
Do you ever have sex that's just... spontaneous and enjoyable?

Thanks guys. We have separate rooms as we wake each other up. So the kids are around at night. I think, I’m a bit self conscious, and just find sex another chore.
Can I ask What do you or your partners do to make things more enjoyable? I mean, what’s normal? Without that sounding odd, how can I make it suit me more?
Have just read a bit about sexual coercion which isn’t pleasant reading. When is it just a chap being disgruntled?
I did suggest he changes the sheets, but so far he hasn’t, he just says, ‘well your rooms a mess’ which it is. There are piles of clothes to sort, but I do make the bed.

To be really honest, your DP's whole attitude would be a permanent turn off to me :-( He sounds more than disgruntled. Was it always like this, it sounds like you've been together a while? I know I need affection, to feel loved and cared for (erm that includes making up a bed) and be cuddled and given even just pecks on the cheek for some of the time if not every day, you know let alone pre or during dtd. I would feel disrespected if I was spoken to like your DP does to you.

It sounds like your “D”P doesn’t want to have sex with you, he wants to do sex to you. With no regard for your feelings or needs, no setting the scene, no wooing or probably much foreplay either, I bet.
I’m not at all surprised that you don’t fancy it and regard it as a chore. As a PP says, you are being treated as an unpaid prostitute.
You need a long conversation with this oaf, to explain the absolute basics of good sex and lovemaking. It might be quicker to trade him in for a man who actually understands how to please a woman in bed!

His attitude is a complete turn off.
The expectation that you owe him ( you don’t) and the sulking when he doesn’t get it as and when he wants it.
Also the pulling away when you try to cuddle.
What’s he like in other areas of family life ?
He sounds selfish and entitled.

If he’s not pulling his weight maybe it’s time to get rid of him and that way if he wants sex at this sort of level he can just pay for it.

Very unlikely your are imagining it. Listen to your gut feeling.

I'd really struggle with the idea of sex during the working day. Surely you can go to each other's rooms in the morning or evening, or at least when you aren't meant to be working.

You've got the ick because he's not bothered about intimacy just his erection. I think you should move on.

Well you’re in a downward spiral of him chasing you and you being turned off by being chased.

I mean a bare mattress is grim...but I’d have just said, let’s go to my bed then. But you were already not wanting sex and so the bare mattress was a convenient excuse instead of saying, this isn’t working for me...the you asking and me scheduling you in like a chore. And I understand completely because you don’t want to be purposely hurtful or start a fight of him saying “but it was your idea to schedule sex for now!” So you took the diplomatic route. All well and good.

But you have said you want to want to have sex and asked what works. What works for me is spending time with my DH going for a walk, cooking dinner together as a team, having a glass of wine and watching a show on TV, playing a game together, even doing some DIY together anything that has you doing something together with a purpose and no pressure of “isn’t this romantic”. My DH is also like you in that he needs the odd bit of affection in the day...a quick hug, a pat on the back, hold hands so I do that..I think your DH should be willing to do that for you too.

I would have thought having separate bedrooms would mean you could "invite" your partner into your bedroom, get intimate, and then part to actually sleep.

If I were you I would make your room nice, invite him, have some sensual sex and then tell him that's what you expect from sex in the future, not some seedy 2pm blowjobs between deadlines.

You say the kids are around in the same sentence as mentioning separate bedrooms, does that mean you each share a room with a kid?

Does he make you cum?

Do you ever talk about your sex life when you are not in the act itself? Does he know your boundaries, needs and expectations? His approach sounds immature at best and coercive at worst. Spontaneous sex during the day can be fun but we would never demand a quickie without testing each other out first (eg by kissing or cuddling) and then depending on the reaction we might go further. The non verbal approach is so much more romantic.

Have you actually sat down with him and had a conversation about what you both like? If you are in a good relationship he should want to do the things that please you and vice versa. But of you've never had a conversation about it your kinda holding him to a bar he doesn't know about. Mumsnet is often full of threads about selfish men. Empower yourself, say what you want in sex, then if he still ignores you then he's a selfish git. If he loves you he might surprise you!!

I think both your attitudes are a complete turn off if I’m honest.

Huge lack of communication here, you both need to talk, he needs to be more intimate and cuddley, you need to be more spontaneous and adventurous.

Why is sex a chore? Does he make you orgasm? If not, show him how to do it.

What do you or your partners do to make things more enjoyable?
We spend time together - we go out, eat together, see a film together, go for a walk, talk together, have a cuddle, kiss, have a drink, etc.
Then sex is not just undressing and inserting part A into slot B. Bf knows that you have to turn your partner on somehow for it to be any fun. Your dp does not seem to be aware of the basics.

Both of you need to sort out your attitudes to sex. It isn’t something to squeeze into a gap between meetings or something you “schedule”!
Why are the kids in bed with you both every night? Separate rooms and both of you have a kid in the bed?? Not exactly conducive to a love life is it?
Sounds like you both need to make time for being a couple, having cuddles, grown up time. Maybe a nice meal when the kids are in bed, a bottle of wine, is the settee or floor any good for sex?
Sex shouldn’t be an afterthought or a rushed physical function. It’s part of an intimate relationship.

@Babdoc

It sounds like your “D”P doesn’t want to have sex with you, he wants to do sex to you. With no regard for your feelings or needs, no setting the scene, no wooing or probably much foreplay either, I bet. I’m not at all surprised that you don’t fancy it and regard it as a chore. As a PP says, you are being treated as an unpaid prostitute. You need a long conversation with this oaf, to explain the absolute basics of good sex and lovemaking. It might be quicker to trade him in for a man who actually understands how to please a woman in bed!

Spot on. If you’re not enjoying it then it’s purely for him, not something you enjoy together.

My DP and I “arrange” it by being affectionate all day and evening, by making sure it’s a joint enterprise and we both get to enjoy it, and most recently by taking the pressure off and saying we’ll have a cuddle and see what happens (and I know this is how it will be, no pushing from him if I’m not up for it).

It’s usually at bedtime for us. We used to do it in the daytime a bit more often but I like to take my time and this is harder when there are other things going on, meetings etc. DP used to come over for lunch when he was working nearby and we’d do it then, but it is harder to relax when you know you have to get it done in a timeframe!

We light a candle and have a shower before bed to make sure we’re both ready if it does happen. The candle used to be (jokingly) referred to as “legally binding” ie if one of us has lit it, the other knew it was ‘ON’! However, I sometimes find it a bit too contrived and struggle to get in the mood, even though I always enjoy it when we get down to it, so now we’ve realised that if we decide to just have a cuddle we usually end up having sex anyway

However it needs to come from a place of giving pleasure to each other. He’ll sometimes ask if I want him to give me a quick orgasm before xyz. It isn’t him asking me to give HIM one!!

We also sometimes do it on the sofa in the evening once the kids are all upstairs. We have plenty of blankets on the sofa so can hide under one if needed