How do you arrange sex?!

[Thanksagainand]

Just curious.. both wfh. Dp comes into my room and says he has half an hour between meetings and fancies a quickie. I find it very hard to mentally u turn from what I’m doing to sex. He gets all, ‘oh I won’t ask again then ‘ in a woeful tone. So I say, I don’t like the suprise, ‘ could we book in a time?’
So on his day off he suggests cuddling, but I’ve work to do so I say I have to do this, can we meet at 11. By 11 he’s calling from the bedroom .
I finish off my work by about 11.30 and he hasn’t bothered to put a sheet on or move a dirty plate. I’m supposed to leap onto a bare mattress.
I get irritated because he cba to tuck a sheet in. To me he is only thinking about getting a shag, not giving pleasure, or enjoying something together. Also when he announces he has half an hour, I feel like it’s another chore - I have to drop everything and service him. He gets disgruntled, obviously that we don’t have much sex. It’s because for me it doesn’t feel like a joint thing , it feels like he goes off into some fantasy land and I m not really there.
He doesn’t seem to get that I need cuddles and handholds in the day, not just when he’s sexy. Actually if ever I hug him, it’s like he pulls away somehow? Or am I imagining it.
How can I improve things?

He sounds annoying but at the same time the whole concept of "arranging" sex - booking/scheduling a time is also a bit meh to me.

Surely you just have sex when both in the mood & have free time?

You say the kids are around in the evenings? But what do you mean by that - as in they're in the house so you don't want to have sex with them there? Even if they're in they're in their own rooms/sleeping.

Do you spend any time together in the evenings cuddling/watching a film and then things could progress from there??

It shouldn't really be seen as a chore or something to HAVE to schedule in in such a way

I think you need to agree on a time you are both relaxed and not in the middle of work. Set aside some time you both agree to if quickies are not working.

You can't have a 'normal' sex life as it doesn't sound like there's any respect or affection.

My DP and I have a long distance relationship at present but we don’t “ schedule” sex.
We meet for mutual enjoyment of shared activities other than sex... walking, a meal, cinema. We go to bed for shared love and intimacy starting with cuddles. Sometimes we just fall asleep, sometimes we make love. There is no pressure or expectation from either of us.

If your DP wants a “quickie“, tell him to deal with his hard-on himself. It’s his problem, not yours.

I think it's positive that you want to make this work, and the priority has to be making it written for both of you so that you enjoy it, not just putting out to keep him quiet or, alternatively, holding off and not having sex until whenever the planets align just right and you can't wait to rip his trousers off, even if that's years away. Sex therapists and relationship counsellors frequently do suggest scheduling sex, so I don't think you should throw that baby out with the bathwater. However, it's often recommended as part of eg a "date night" where you spend time doing other nice things together first.

Understanding your sexual response cycle may help you to work out what you need. Look up "spontaneous desire" versus "responsive desire" and "contextual desire". Briefly, men are more likely to experience spontaneous desire ie just get aroused easily, whereas on average, women are more likely to experience responsive or contextual desire, ie only start to really desire sex when either their partner starts coming on to them, or more generally in response to the right situation /environment. Emily Nagoski has written about this and coined the terms I think.

making it work* for both of you

Babe you ever enjoyed sex with him or has it always been about servicing his needs and impregnating you?

Booking in a 30 minute quickie whilst the kids are out can be hot, but if you know you won't get pleasured and instead work through it and then go in and neither of you have made an effort to at least make one of the rooms nice, of course it won't work.

All sounds a bit yuk really.

I love my boyfriend and his body, I would be happy to uh hum service him and he do the same. He is scrummy and hairy . He doesn’t ask for it though as I enjoy doing it whenever I can.

You sleep separately and don’t want to have sec with him. He isn’t considerate of your needs.

Is there anything keeping you in this relationship?

We arrange it by just you know, not being bloody controlling about it.
I couldn't be arsed with this nonspontaneous stressing about sex shit.
Couples are allowed to just get each other off, it doesn't always have to be about lovemaking.

We both feel free to approach each other when we want, we've had a fair few, spontaneous moments, either when she's in her lunch hr or even a quickie.
Even when the kids are in, a sneaky sesh on the kit table or lounge chair, even locking the bathroom door.

It is amazing what can be done with an office chair.

She just covers the laptop camera up.

Thanks all, lots to think about. I suggested scheduling in sex cos I’d read something somewhere and I thought it might give me chance to get ready and anticipate nice things. I think that was why I was a bit fed up when he kept calling while I was working. I got annoyed that he was expecting me to go to him..and then when I did, it was like a squat. I do sometimes be all enthusiastic, but it does seem like a lot of work!
Guess we have a lot of issues.

The scheduling sex does work for some couples, so it was worth a try. Your DH was definitely expecting something nice at 11 on the dot although his version of getting ready was to simply get naked and call your name on repeat.

Lots of good ideas though on the thread. Worth trying them too. Important to also express that you need affection and cuddles as well from him to feel loved. I hope it all improves for you.

Why is it up to you to improve things when it’s his behaviour that’s the issue?

Tell him he needs to improve

I love being single one of the reasons is this type of thing.
I really feel for the op just sounds so forced.

@Thanksagainand

Thanks all, lots to think about. I suggested scheduling in sex cos I’d read something somewhere and I thought it might give me chance to get ready and anticipate nice things. I think that was why I was a bit fed up when he kept calling while I was working. I got annoyed that he was expecting me to go to him..and then when I did, it was like a squat. I do sometimes be all enthusiastic, but it does seem like a lot of work! Guess we have a lot of issues.

Look at it from his point of view, though. You told him you'd "meet" him at 11 (a.m.?), then you were "late for the meeting", still working at 11.30. So instead of getting ready and anticipating things, you left him to sit there waiting 30 minutes (not very good manners), and rather than trying to switch off, physically and mentally relax, get in the mood and focus on your partner, you deliberately stayed in work mode right up to the moment you entered the bedroom. And you were annoyed at him for expecting you to stop work when you said you would. Sure, he should have made the bed! But you put in no effort either, and you made it more than clear that your work comes before him. You claimed to have scheduled him in, but you didn't have any time for him after all.

You can not just switch 'sex mode' on as and when it pleases him. It sounds horrid and like you say just another chore. Where is the romance in all of this and the respect

Thanks that’s a really good point ravenmum. Maybe I’m so busy being grumpy at him I’m not seeing what a cow I’m being.
I’d like us to somehow get to a happier space.
As a few of you have pointed out it’s not exactly romantic over here! I’ll change the sheets and be a bit nicer.

Can you really not share a bed? That is how it happens for us - in bed at night, or first thing in the early morning ...

Alas no. He has the computer or radio on to help him sleep. It’s not so bad, but I’d prefer to have some calm time for me and read!

Radio on.😂😳
LTB.

I think separate rooms are great and certainly not an issue in themselves. Good sleep makes life better.

I always have one question on these threads. What contraception are you using?

It does sound as if sex is a major priority for him and having sex makes everything else worth doing, whereas for you nearly everything else comes first - to feel into the idea, you need children, work, family and house to be taken care of and nothing left on your to-do list. I don't think you're at all unusual but it makes sex a major issue when kids are young because the to do list will never end.

I'm more in your dh's way of thinking but then my son is almost grown up. But I feel much better and more able for life if I've had good sex.

I think putting you under pressure I've that was bound to fail. But I do see that to him, he is literally the very last thing on your list. Is that right? Would you really rather split up? If not, I would say he needs to be higher up the list.

Omg that sounds so familiar.
My ex of 22 years used to set up a mattress in the sitting room (when our kids were young), it was like he was scheduling a half hour for us to ‘do it’.
It was a total turn off.
I tried to explain over and over that for me, there had to be a build-up, time spent together, talking, holding hands, kissing, enjoying time together. I felt that I had to ‘perform’ on request.
Meh. Bad memories.
Our sex life became non-existent. That was a long time ago, thank goodness.

@Lcar

Omg that sounds so familiar. My ex of 22 years used to set up a mattress in the sitting room (when our kids were young), it was like he was scheduling a half hour for us to ‘do it’. It was a total turn off. I tried to explain over and over that for me, there had to be a build-up, time spent together, talking, holding hands, kissing, enjoying time together. I felt that I had to ‘perform’ on request. Meh. Bad memories. Our sex life became non-existent. That was a long time ago, thank goodness.

I’m sorry but I have so many questions.

Can you talk us through the logistics? Where was the mattress usually kept? I assume upstairs on a bed? Was it your mattress or a child’s? Why would he bring it to the living room? Where were the kids at the time?

I find this is pretty much what men are like. They are not like women and dont think of sheets or plates, cuddles or handholds. They would be happy to gave sex on a bare concrete floor. My gay
Male friend told me women don't understand what animals men really are.

Gosh that’s interesting diamonds! I’d like to chat to him!
Why do we get fed such claptrap about romance and being looked at in that george looney way then? It’s all bollocks. We are after being adored and smiled at for our funny little ways that are somehow ever so cute and they just want a good shag. / housekeeper

Thanks permanenttemporary, I don’t know if I’d rather split up. I’ve been on here in the past and posters have said Ltb, ( not quite for thr radio puffinstuff!) at the time I didn’t know how, thought it might just cause more problems. I would rather work it out somehow. I think you are right, when I stop grumbling, he has fallen way down the list. I will make more effort. He’s also got enormous. I’m no super model, but I am finding it all a bit yik. Wow, I’m awful.