My partner smokes is that a big deal

[novembeer]

My partner smokes and he keeps lying to me and I end up catching him via bank statements etc ...

It questions me whole relationship god knows what he is capable of lying then.

It basically questions me the whole relationship. Should I trust him ? Has he ever been honest with me? Or am I just over reacting ?? Plz help

If you look at bank statements to check his spending it’s not good - but surely he must smell of smoke?
I’d split if I were you

The lying is more of an issue than the smoking, in my opinion.

If you stay with him, you must accept that he is a smoker, and not stay on the promise or hope that he will quit. He'll only quit if he wants to, not because someone else wants him to.

If he smoked when you got together, surely it is his choice if he wants to smoke. You sound a bit controlling to be honest.

@nimbuscloud

If you look at bank statements to check his spending it’s not good - but surely he must smell of smoke? I’d split if I were you

Yup he does smell that's how I started doubting on him & he lies on my face that he does not on my face ... which left me nothing but to check his bank statement..

I'd ask why he isn't allowed to smoke or why he's undertaken not to smoke. Smoking is his choice surely but there must be background??

If it’s an issue for you (it would be for me because of my own health I can’t be around smokers) then split.

It would be a deal breaker for me both on smoking and lying. You’re not controlling at all.

I’d be more concerned about the lack of trust and lying tbh. Starting out checking his bank statements isn’t a good place to be.

Is the smoking a big deal for you? Is that why he's lying about it? Otherwise, if you know he smokes and can live with that, then why does he need to lie about it? I wouldn't assume it means he'd lie about other things and it's a knotty enough issue without extrapolating like that. Addiction can lead to lying if a person wants to appear not be addicted but then their addiction gets the better of them. The best thing in this situation seems to be to accept that he smokes and then either stay with him or don't on that basis - no one here knows if smoking is a deal-breaker for you. But if you expect him not to smoke and not to lie about it, you're probably just storing up trouble.

Well if smoking is a deal breaker for you then obviously, leave.

But you can't tell him he can't do it. It's a horrible, unhealthy smelly habit of course but it's not illegal and he is a grown up. He can do it if he wants without permission from you. He's probably lying about it (not ok) because you've made him feel like he has to.

He's a grown man, you aren't his mum.

If you don't want to be with a smoker, end it.

How do you know he's buying cigarettes by looking at his bank statements? They're not itemised.

It's not a big deal to me, as long as he doesn't do it in the house.

@girlmom21

How do you know he's buying cigarettes by looking at his bank statements? They're not itemised.

Well that's v simple ... if he is working and just taking lunch won't be spending £13-£15 every other day so he is buying something else too which is cigarettes.. he does not bring groceries or pay to friend .. it's in convenient store

Dealbreaker for me.

@DreadingChristmasAlready

It would be a deal breaker for me both on smoking and lying. You’re not controlling at all.

Yep. This

You can't tell him if he can smoke or not OP. Either get off his case or end it.

It could be a number of other things but if you trust him so little you need to check his bank statements, and he's willing to lie to you about something so small then what's the point?

A partner going through my bank statements would be a deal breaker for me.

A partner who smoked, drank heavily, gambled irresponsibly or took illegal drugs would also be a deal breaker.

I think it's time you moved on, you don't trust him and he will resent you for being suspicious or dictating if he can smoke or not.

"which left me nothing but to check his bank statement.."

I'd certainly leave someone for reading my bank statement behind my back...

You must have said something to make him think he needs to hide it. If smoking is a dealbreaker for you then save yourself some time and break up. I had a boyfriend who knew I smoked from day 1 and said it was fine. Then he started making more and more negative comments about it. It got tedious very fast and we broke up after about a year. I liked him but had no interest in quitting.

You check his bank statements?

If you are that kind of person (you probably accidentally open his e-mails, too) - he should leave you, because you are controlling and it is probably less stressful to lie about the habit.

Either you can accept smoking or you can't. If not, end it.

Yeah the lying to your face part is worse for me than whatever someone does that they feel the need to lie about! (With the possible exception of cheating, which often people say the lying is just as bad for them as the cheating).

I finished with my uni boyfriend for the same thing - I tried to finish it because I hated him smoking (hadn’t realised how annoying I’d find it until I’d been with someone who’s every waking hour was punctuated by a need to “pop outside for a cigarette” - who couldn’t sit through a movie or even a meal in a restaurant without having to go for a smoke midway. So he promised he’d quit. I didn’t force him, just exercised my right to end it and he persuaded me to stay with him. Anyway, I popped round to his unexpectedly to find him in his room smoking and he then tried to tell me that roll ups didn’t count

Anyway, I put up with a whole load of shit from that man, but lying about smoking was the final straw.

I used to have to hide my smoking from my controlling ex, never again. It's his money and his body. I'd let him go and live his life if I were you.

Lying and gaslighting would be a deal breaker for me. The smoking wouldn't be a deal breaker but also I wouldn't be happy about it IYSWIM