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Original poster

My partner smokes is that a big deal

68 replies

novembeer · 14/11/2021 09:01

My partner smokes and he keeps lying to me and I end up catching him via bank statements etc ...

It questions me whole relationship god knows what he is capable of lying then.

It basically questions me the whole relationship. Should I trust him ? Has he ever been honest with me? Or am I just over reacting ?? Plz help

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 14/11/2021 10:58

You sound very controlling. I'd let him go if I were you.

romdowa · 14/11/2021 11:13

It's not really your place to tell him he can't smoke. So you either accept that he smokes and get off his back or you end it. The fella is lying to you for a quite life I would imagine.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 14/11/2021 11:15

I used to smoke 20 a day, sometimes I still have the odd packet.

If I wanted to start smoking again tomorrow I'd just do it. I wouldn't have to lie to my husband.

Why is he hiding it? Do you moan at him? Did he only stop because you wanted him to?

claymodels · 14/11/2021 11:17

It's a big deal to you otherwise he would not be hiding it in the first place.

Kangaruby · 14/11/2021 11:19

It's up to you if you don't want to be with a smoker but it's up to him whether he smokes or not.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 14/11/2021 11:19

Why is he lying to you about it? Did you say he has to quit?

I'd end the relationship. You two don't sound compatible.

altmember · 14/11/2021 11:29

Did you know he was a smoker when you got together? I can't stand smoking so I'd never date a smoker. But if you do get into a relationship with a smoker you can't try and make them stop. Although these days there's now the option to vape instead, to feed the addiction in a slightly healthier way.

RantyAunty · 14/11/2021 11:43

If you don't want to be with a smoker, end it.
No need to snoop around when you can smell it on him.

MassiveHoard · 14/11/2021 11:50

I wouldn't want to be with someone who smokes, or who lies. But then I wouldn't want to be with someone who checked my bank accounts to catch me out either. Not a great situation for either of you. Doesn't sound healthy to me.

Lasttraintolondon · 14/11/2021 11:50

I've been in this situation. It's a real challenge.

You hate smoking and tell the other person it's a deal breaker, so they lie and do it anyway at some point.

You smell it on them, snoop in some way, catch them out and then your stuck because at that point they are a liar and you start to feel controlling, even though you don't want to be. You just want them not to smoke.

But smokers don't give up for other people, even one's they love. Which leaves you back where you started, you can either tolerate it (do not have false hope they'll quit) or you can spilt up. The third option is you indefinitely repeat the lying from them and the snooping from you and you both become people you don't want to be.

It's shit.

5128gap · 14/11/2021 11:50

Why is he hiding it? Well for the same reason there are probably nearly as many secret/social/occasional smokers as open ones. People judge, disapprove, end relationships over it, and for a lot of people there's also an element of shame and embarrassment. 'I don't smoke' has got to be up there in the top ten lies people tell. Non smokers usually don't know this, as the secret smokers don't tell them!

legalseagull · 14/11/2021 11:51

My DH secretly smoked. I found out because a neighbour said "seen Mr Legalseagull this morning. Out smoking like a chimney as usual". I was livid. I felt a right mug that everyone else must know but not me. Argument ensued. He's stopped now since having kids.

If you hate it your option is to put up with it, or leave. If you say you're leaving, and mean it, the balls in his court.

I think you checking his bank statement is bang out of order though. I would leave someone if they went through my bank statement to see how I spending my money. It's really controlling

ineedsun · 14/11/2021 11:52

I think you have bigger issues than the smoking by the sounds of things

User310 · 14/11/2021 11:54

It really depends on whether he’s been forced to give up or whether it is by his own accord. If you are checking bank statements then he obviously has a reason to hide it, I can’t imagine your reaction will go down well.

Original poster
novembeer · 14/11/2021 11:56

I'm sorry many of u think it's controlling g but .. I don't check his bank statement coz I want too but when someone lies to ur face and blames u that u r on his case unnecessary and you have to get grip ... then I have check coz at one point I feel bad, guilty and feel I m one causing trouble all the time.. I'm the crazy one but ur guts tell u different story so I don't feel bad about it .

OP posts:
Original poster
novembeer · 14/11/2021 12:00

I understand it's his choice if he wants to smoke or not .. if he wants to leave it or not .. but why I won't get that choice too where I can decided if I want to be with him or not ..

Why not honestly so I can make wise choice for myself too .. yes smoking is deal breaker for me and once u lie it's hard to trust I feel .. I don't know having lot of thoughts right now, don't know if I should break up or not lot of feelings and emotions

OP posts:
claymodels · 14/11/2021 12:03

but why I won't get that choice too where I can decided if I want to be with him or not ..

You do.

Oldandcobwebby · 14/11/2021 12:05

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone who smells of smoke, spends hundreds of pounds a month on cigarettes and lies to me. But, hey, whatever floats your boat.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/11/2021 12:05

I couldn’t live with a smoker. Would become a serious issue if you went in to have children together.
You have to decide whether you can (wholeheartedly).

rwalker · 14/11/2021 12:08

He's a smoker lie's to keep you off his back I would do exactly the same.

the only thing he's done wrong is not grown a pair and told you then it's up to you if you want to be with a smoker.

He's lie's for a quite life .

Sprostongreen21 · 14/11/2021 12:09

You do have a choice. If you don’t like smoking you finish the relationship. You know he is doing it and can smell it you don’t need to be going through bank statements that’s not great behaviour is it? Lack of trust/lying is a big issue.

If he values the relationship and you wants to be with you he can quit but maybe he just doesn’t want to. Doesn’t sound great either way to be honest and sounds like your better off apart.

Original poster
novembeer · 14/11/2021 12:10

@rwalker

He's a smoker lie's to keep you off his back I would do exactly the same.

the only thing he's done wrong is not grown a pair and told you then it's up to you if you want to be with a smoker.

He's lie's for a quite life .

I understand that but I feel so much unfair and betrayed coz I wasted my 10 yrs of life where he has not been honest so I can make choice for myself ..
OP posts:
Original poster
novembeer · 14/11/2021 12:12

And now I'm 37 ... 38 soon how fair is that where I would have find someone better and not wasted my time sooooo pissed

OP posts:
altmember · 14/11/2021 12:25

He's been smoking for 10 years and you've only just found out? Or has he only started recently?

PooWillyNameChange · 14/11/2021 12:29

I hate smoking and DH gave up for me when we met but I think it's hard to see if you're being unreasonable without more context. Have you merged finances? Do you have kids with him? Otherwise checking his bank statements is not on...

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