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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner smokes is that a big deal

68 replies

novembeer · 14/11/2021 09:01

My partner smokes and he keeps lying to me and I end up catching him via bank statements etc ...

It questions me whole relationship god knows what he is capable of lying then.

It basically questions me the whole relationship. Should I trust him ? Has he ever been honest with me? Or am I just over reacting ?? Plz help

OP posts:

dotsandco · 14/11/2021 12:32

Surely you've smelt smoke before though OP? It can't be a recent thing!

A smoker smells of smoke...whether they think they do or not, they do!! It's in their hair, their clothes, their very pores!! Sucking on a mint doesn't get rid of it...as much as smokers like to believe that this 'trick' is effective, it really isn't!

So...assuming he's always smoked (as you say you feel you've wasted 10 years of your life on him!)...you MUST have always known, really, deep down...because it's hard to disguise!!

Which means that you've chosen to ignore 'the signs' so must take some ownership of your 'wasted years'.

I couldn't, and wouldn't, date a smoker...but I'd be bloody livid if I thought that someone had gone through my private bank details!!!

Bad form OP...seriously bad form!

5128gap · 14/11/2021 12:32

I don't understand why you say you've wasted the last ten years? Surely there's more to the man than whether he smokes or not? Surely there's been good times, love, support etc in that time? And given you only just realised, its not like thr smoking has impacted you really. In the nicest possible way, I think you are being a bit dramatic. You're talking like he has been having an affair! If you can't stand him smoking, even away from you as he has been so far, then leave him, but I think to acuse him of wasting a decade of your life is OTT.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 12:38

If smoking was a dealbreaker you'd dump him - you wouldn't waste your time searching through bank statements.

Nidan2Sandan · 14/11/2021 13:20

I smell a troll

houseonthehill · 14/11/2021 13:33

It's a bit daft him lying about it - what is he scared of? If you want advice, just let him be on the smoking, and mean it. You'd both be happier, surely? He wouldn't have to sneak around, you wouldn't have to be combing through his bank statements.

Original poster

novembeer · 14/11/2021 13:41

I did found out 2 years back him smoking and he told me he is going through some stress & he is not addicted he is going to leave it which he did for year and half but now I found again ..

I'm just tired of all this ..

it was gambling I found out 5-6 yrs back and he said he lost his business so he is stress and his brain is not working fine
he was talking to was talking to one of his work colleague who was a women behind my back coz we where having fights so again his brain was not working fine
this now smoking same reason brain not working fine ...

I don't know is it me or it's him .. he blames me for no 2,3 and I'm not sure at all what is going on .. it is stressing me all the time I m tired of keeping eye on someone like this...

We are 37 years old now I don't want my life to be wasted... we don't have kids but we do love eachother and do things for eachother all the time

He is caring loving man but all this I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 13:44

He is caring loving man but all this I just don't know what to do

No he's not. He's lied to you about gambling, other women and smoking. He's blamed you for the things he's lied about.

You can break up and potentially have a life free of anxiety and perhaps meet someone who really is loving and caring, who doesn't lie to you about multiple things.

Or you can stay together and at best be anxious for the rest of your life because you're with someone who has lied to you many times about many things and blamed you for those things.

I would be out OP, life's too short.

houseonthehill · 14/11/2021 13:45

How about accepting he smokes, and then you don't have to keep an eye on him at all?

Pipersouth · 14/11/2021 13:49

He’s a grown up and so are you (if you aren’t a troll!) it’s his choice to smoke and yours to decide if that is a deal breaker for you. I only managed to give up smoking when I was pregnant and 7 years later I still could do with a fag sometimes but know I wouldn’t be able to stop again.

Kanaloa · 14/11/2021 13:55

The smoking sounds more like a symptom of the issue than the actual issue. He lies about gambling, seeing other women, and smoking, and you go through his bank statements. It sounds like a bad relationship with no trust.

WildExcuses · 14/11/2021 13:58

No he's not. He's lied to you about gambling, other women and smoking. He's blamed you for the things he's lied about.

You can break up and potentially have a life free of anxiety and perhaps meet someone who really is loving and caring, who doesn't lie to you about multiple things.

Or you can stay together and at best be anxious for the rest of your life because you're with someone who has lied to you many times about many things and blamed you for those things.

I would be out OP, life's too short.

All of this.

Don’t accept this as your life. Being lied to and blamed. How miserable and stressful. It’s not love.

You deserve better.

PinkSyCo · 14/11/2021 14:00

Why on earth would he lie about his smoking habit to you? You’re not his mum.

mirabelle04 · 14/11/2021 14:29

@MassiveHoard

I wouldn't want to be with someone who smokes, or who lies. But then I wouldn't want to be with someone who checked my bank accounts to catch me out either. Not a great situation for either of you. Doesn't sound healthy to me.

Exactly this. Obviously he lies about it because if he said "yes I do" you would have a problem with it. It's bad but It isn't ground to think he would lie about other things.

It's not your right or responsibility to make him quit smoking. It's not your right or responsibility to check his bank statements.

What's within your control is to decide for yourself if you can date a smoker, which he is, or not.

altmember · 14/11/2021 15:47

@PinkSyCo

Why on earth would he lie about his smoking habit to you? You’re not his mum.

Probably because OP has openly always told him that smoking would be a deal breaker for her (as it would be for most non smokers).

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 15:51

You don't love each other. You love him - that's why you put up with so much. He doesn't love you.

You don't lie, disrespect and blame people you love.

RantyAunty · 14/11/2021 16:17

He doesn't sound like a very caring man.

You can either end it now or kick yourself 5-10 years from now for not ending it.

AgentJohnson · 15/11/2021 06:40

How many red flags do there have to be before you act! Leaving the responsibility not to lie to a liar is foolish. Wasting 10 years is one thing, choosing to waste another 2, 5 or 10 is another.

The balls in your court, always was.

gofg · 15/11/2021 06:46

I used to have to hide my smoking from my controlling ex, never again. It's his money and his body. I'd let him go and live his life if I were you.

I agree. I imagine he is lying to you because you are making such a big deal about it. Smoking is not illegal, and if he wants to smoke he is allowed to - if you can't accept that then move on and let him find someone less controlling.

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