Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Honestly, is it better to just make do when the kids are so young?

85 replies

Genuinity · 13/11/2021 20:51

Obviously not including violence, emotional or physical abuse. If you just realise you aren't in love, that this isn't the person for you, that it just isn't right for you.

Are you more likely to regret leaving and losing your kids 50% of the time, missing some birthdays and christmases, taking that family unit and home away from them? Or are you likely to regret staying and look back in a decade and think I wish I'd left sooner?

Part of me thinks life is too bloody short to be with someone you don't love. But the other part of me thinks that with kids so young there's more to lose than their is to gain, and essentially by leaving to find a better relationship I'm picking hypothetical men over them? Has anyone come out the other side of this, or have any experience/wise words they'd like to share?

OP posts:
Magicalwoodlands · 13/11/2021 20:53

Only you can answer that Flowers

I would not leave a marriage or relationship bar abuse (and abuse of course isn’t just physical ) with a young family. But that is me.

TreeSmuggler · 13/11/2021 20:58

It's tough because you could also argue split up now and they won't know any different. Also if you are hoping to meet someone else, will you have a worse chance of meeting someone decent when you are 10-15 years older than you are now.

Nyxly · 13/11/2021 21:01

I think it depends.

If the relationship is built of genuine affection, but not romantic love, and respect then I think staying can be a good option.

If you just live besides eachother but in the same house and are unhappy, it's extremely damaging to children and to the adults involved.

Every set up is different. It CAN work but most often it doesn't.

MynameisWa · 13/11/2021 21:03

I stayed and I’m glad I did. You have to be at the end your tether to make splitting up a family worth it imho. Not just because the relationship has lost it’s lustre.

Ted27 · 13/11/2021 21:07

Im 56, I still wish my mum had left my father when I was little.

Children pick up on more than you think. For many years I also felt tremendous guilt, if it wasnt for me then she could have left and not been miserable for 20 years.

Resilience · 13/11/2021 21:27

I don't think it's advisable to leave for another hypothetical relationship. You might never meet that person! You should leave because you want to leave the relationship you're in and believe staying will do more harm than good.

Abuse aside, however, where children are involved I think it's always worth waiting a while (you can set a deadline of your own making) to see if things improve/you can work it out - provided both parties are committed to that. It's not normal to live in a Hollywood romance every day and sometimes you have to ride out the less blissful times (this definitely does not mean tolerating abuse though).

Hema23 · 13/11/2021 21:33

Always a tough decision. Depends how unhappy the relationship makes you.

LoveComesQuickly · 13/11/2021 21:33

If the kids are very young, it could be a temporary feeling. DH and I went through a tricky patch when the DH were tiny for all the usual reasons (not enough sleep, not enough time to ourselves or together). It gets so much easier after those early years, we are solid again now.

So I would hang in there for a bit. However, if I was really miserable and really believed there was no way back for us, I'd leave.

category12 · 13/11/2021 21:33

What do you mean by "when the kids are so young"?

At what point do you think they're old enough? Teens and young adults need more support than young children really.

Surely it's better to leave while they're young so they may not even remember their parents being together, than stick it out in a marriage without love (what sort of model of relationships is that for the children to learn?).

clatterclatter · 13/11/2021 21:36

Really interesting question OP, it’s something I think about a lot. We’re just not in love anymore.

On the one hand they will never know any different if we split while they are young but I’d be putting myself in an extremely vulnerable financial position, shared custody and split holidays etc. I love my current home and couldn’t take it on alone. I don’t even want anyone else so that side of things isn’t a temptation. As you say a lot to lose and little to gain. But yet it does feel like I’m wasting my time and youth on a dead end relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2021 21:40

If you just realise you aren't in love, that this isn't the person for you, that it just isn't right for you.

I believe one should really take time to examine why they feel this way before throwing away their marriage. Is it because you're always shattered, no time as a couple, work stress and dealing with young kids, etc. This period of parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint, and it often feels like it's all up hill. Sometimes you can come out the other side with a better marriage.

JurgensCakeBaby · 13/11/2021 21:43

I think it's worth staying to work out if it's the drudgery, relentlessness and sleepiness nights of having small children that's making you feel that way, once you're past that things should pick up, more time together, feel more like partners not just parents etc. If you still feel it's not right then you need to go.

Original poster
Genuinity · 13/11/2021 22:01

Just no love between us, no interest in sex with each other, even kissing feels awkward. Just really not working. We've discussed for a year to no real avail. I'm 26 and he's 42. I do worry about wasting my youth on a dead end relationship. I just think if it's this bad now is it just going to get worse?

But my kids. He's a brilliant dad. And I don't want to lose out on time with them Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Genuinity · 13/11/2021 22:20

We've had our umpteenth chat about separating tonight. It concluded with him saying he still wants to try. We first had this conversation 15 months ago Sad

OP posts:
mswales · 13/11/2021 22:21

You can break up but keep the family unit depending on what your relationship is like. I broke up with my ex when our kid was 2 but we are still very much in each other's lives, do loads of family stuff together and are now even having a second baby together. But we have our own places and freedom and are not together in a romantic way (though obviously had to sleep together a couple of times to make the second baby...). I know this is very unusual and certainly not for everyone, but just wanted to make the point there can be a way of keeping the family unit while still breaking up. I've read lots of threads on here by people who still spend birthdays and Christmases and holidays with their exes and children together, so I'm not alone in that bit at least.
We are both so much happier now we're not together, and get on and co parent together so much more better than when we were living together. And we both get time to ourselves which is great. Our son is really happy and attached to both of us. It was awful going through the break up process but there can be a lot of light on the other side.

Original poster
Genuinity · 13/11/2021 22:35

@mswales

You can break up but keep the family unit depending on what your relationship is like. I broke up with my ex when our kid was 2 but we are still very much in each other's lives, do loads of family stuff together and are now even having a second baby together. But we have our own places and freedom and are not together in a romantic way (though obviously had to sleep together a couple of times to make the second baby...). I know this is very unusual and certainly not for everyone, but just wanted to make the point there can be a way of keeping the family unit while still breaking up. I've read lots of threads on here by people who still spend birthdays and Christmases and holidays with their exes and children together, so I'm not alone in that bit at least. We are both so much happier now we're not together, and get on and co parent together so much more better than when we were living together. And we both get time to ourselves which is great. Our son is really happy and attached to both of us. It was awful going through the break up process but there can be a lot of light on the other side.
That is unusual, but I'm glad it works for you and thank you for sharing
OP posts:
Original poster
Genuinity · 13/11/2021 22:53

@Genuinity

Just no love between us, no interest in sex with each other, even kissing feels awkward. Just really not working. We've discussed for a year to no real avail. I'm 26 and he's 42. I do worry about wasting my youth on a dead end relationship. I just think if it's this bad now is it just going to get worse?

But my kids. He's a brilliant dad. And I don't want to lose out on time with them Sad

To add to this aside from the lack of affection and intimacy there seems to be constant bickering and sniping. We just aren't a solid couple or team. It's a weird situation. But it's not awful. So how do you decide what is bad enough?
OP posts:
Bbub · 13/11/2021 22:53

Just making a sweeping statement here but I think the younger the kids are the better. They will adjust more quickly the younger they are.

Viddy2021 · 13/11/2021 22:54

How old are your children?

Original poster
Genuinity · 13/11/2021 22:57

@Viddy2021

How old are your children?
Both under 3.
OP posts:
Original poster
Genuinity · 14/11/2021 07:27

I've slept in the spare room and didn't feel sad about it. I can't bare when any part of him touches me in bed usually. I'm just so sad for our boys if it has come to this. Am I being selfish? He seems ok to just live like this, but he is 42 and perhaps in a different place? At 26 I just can't imagine a life without real love or passion. There's so long ahead of me Sad

OP posts:
Nyxly · 14/11/2021 07:35

The problem is, that if you are so unhappy, your son will pick up on it.

As an example, When he is older and stays at friends and notice their parents sleep in the same room, he will know what happens at yours isn't normal. Just one example. But as kids get older they pick up on more and more. And as they realise their home life isn't like everyone else's, it unsettles them. You don't want them growing up thinking 2 people pretending to be in a relationship but miserable is normal.

Now if you choose to share a house a Co-parent but not in a relationship, it's fine. Because your son will grow up knowing that's the set up.

Your unhappiness will only deepen and become resentment and possibly anger.

Staying can work. Often it's only when the kids are older they realise the impact has been. But it doesn't sound like staying will work for you.

Nyxly · 14/11/2021 07:36

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Genuinity · 14/11/2021 07:37

@Nyxly

How long have you been together?
5 years
OP posts:
NeverHomeAlone · 14/11/2021 07:37

"I believe one should really take time to examine why they feel this way before throwing away their marriage. Is it because you're always shattered, no time as a couple, work stress and dealing with young kids, etc. This period of parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint, and it often feels like it's all up hill. Sometimes you can come out the other side with a better marriage."

I agree with this. My DH and I went through a real rough patch when two of ours were young, a few years on and things are better than ever! Two very young children close together is hard work. Life becomes about routine and lot of our previous freedoms seem to melt away.

It is good that you are both able to talk about it. I would definitely get booked in for some relationship counselling and really give that a good shot before you make any firm decisions.