Honestly, is it better to just make do when the kids are so young?

[Genuinity]

Obviously not including violence, emotional or physical abuse. If you just realise you aren't in love, that this isn't the person for you, that it just isn't right for you.

Are you more likely to regret leaving and losing your kids 50% of the time, missing some birthdays and christmases, taking that family unit and home away from them? Or are you likely to regret staying and look back in a decade and think I wish I'd left sooner?

Part of me thinks life is too bloody short to be with someone you don't love. But the other part of me thinks that with kids so young there's more to lose than their is to gain, and essentially by leaving to find a better relationship I'm picking hypothetical men over them? Has anyone come out the other side of this, or have any experience/wise words they'd like to share?

You've got the ick. No coming back from that! Separate while they are young, it sounds like you will have a good co-parenting relationship with him.

I’m having very very similar thoughts at the moment..like you say no abuse and it’s not ‘awful’ but there’s zero romance or sex. We also have children under 3 and another on the way..I’m hoping that as previous posters have said that a lot of this may be the drudgery of having young kids and very little romantic time. We make a great team as parents but everything is very transactional..all conversations are ‘can you wipe the high chair down while I get her a yoghurt etc’! I can’t imagine being able to have much romance with anyone at the moment other than a fling! We have an 8 year age gap so smaller than you but I already feel he’s much more comfortable and settled into ‘old man’ mode quite happily!

Not sure what the answer is :( I plan on waiting until our final baby is a bit older and we start to get more time for date nights etc...possibly try sex therapist to re-start things as like you said even kissing feels odd now. I think you can get way too familiar with each other. Another thing I’ve debated is suggesting an open marriage if all else fails but that comes with big risks as well. I love and respect him just zero passion between us..if that bit could be outsourced it would be great but id worry about one of us falling in love with someone else...

I don't want to sound patronising.

But you were 21 when you got together with him. He was much older (37) and had life experience that you didn't.

Many of our early relationships dont work out because we don't really know what we are looking for in a partner.

You are also, likey, a very different person now as an older person with 2 kids, than you were at 21 with no kids.

Yes I know some age gaps relationships work well. But many don't. Because the younger person changes and matures alot and what they want changes.

In 20 years when the kids are adults, he is nearing old age, would you really leave then? You mid 40s, him over 60? Or will there be a reason its easier to stay?

@Becks9191

I’m having very very similar thoughts at the moment..like you say no abuse and it’s not ‘awful’ but there’s zero romance or sex. We also have children under 3 and another on the way..I’m hoping that as previous posters have said that a lot of this may be the drudgery of having young kids and very little romantic time. We make a great team as parents but everything is very transactional..all conversations are ‘can you wipe the high chair down while I get her a yoghurt etc’! I can’t imagine being able to have much romance with anyone at the moment other than a fling! We have an 8 year age gap so smaller than you but I already feel he’s much more comfortable and settled into ‘old man’ mode quite happily!

Not sure what the answer is :( I plan on waiting until our final baby is a bit older and we start to get more time for date nights etc...possibly try sex therapist to re-start things as like you said even kissing feels odd now. I think you can get way too familiar with each other. Another thing I’ve debated is suggesting an open marriage if all else fails but that comes with big risks as well. I love and respect him just zero passion between us..if that bit could be outsourced it would be great but id worry about one of us falling in love with someone else...

I have similar thoughts, if I could just keep this family and get sex/passion from elsewhere and that way I could have everything. Or I think well I'm missing out on that, but I have a solid partner who's a good dad, this is what life is and my kids deserve this. I think if I was his age maybe I could be ok with that. But at 26 it's a daunting prospect essentially settling already, especially when it's only really going to get worse. I wish I had the answers. We've spoken about breaking up repeatedly over the last year, this is the most real it's felt and still part of me is screaming to hit the brakes and just plod along. It really is so hard.

Well, I think that’s a bit too black and white to be honest, @Nyxly

You can’t say children will notice X and then think Y. My DH and I sleep separately - I love him very much but I do need to sleep sometimes and his snoring is absolutely terrible!

In general though, @Genuinity I think there was a really good post over the page (I can’t remember the poster, sorry) about leaving because of unhappiness, not seeking a new relationship.

I wouldn’t listen to the ‘ick’ post. The ‘ick’ is something cosmopolitan magazine once did to describe being put off someone you’re casually dating: it has been grabbed and used on here but it isn’t really applicable to long term relationships with young kids where often sexual attraction will peak and wane.

@Nyxly

I don't want to sound patronising.

But you were 21 when you got together with him. He was much older (37) and had life experience that you didn't.

Many of our early relationships dont work out because we don't really know what we are looking for in a partner.

You are also, likey, a very different person now as an older person with 2 kids, than you were at 21 with no kids.

Yes I know some age gaps relationships work well. But many don't. Because the younger person changes and matures alot and what they want changes.

In 20 years when the kids are adults, he is nearing old age, would you really leave then? You mid 40s, him over 60? Or will there be a reason its easier to stay?

I understand entirely, I've spent years viciously defending our age difference but underneath I've never been comfortable with it myself. I kept our relationship a secret for too long, even still I can be embarrassed to post pictures of us together or go out in public when we're in my home town as it's a visible gap. He does look significantly older than me. I can't pretend it isn't an issue.

If you are absolutely sure you can't rekindle the connection, I'd arrange a very amicable split. Do it now while the dcs are young. If you stay, you will be teaching them that staying in a loveless relationship is normal. Is that what you want for them?

It is inevitable that one of you will meet someone else and then it may turn all bitter and angry, and do far more harm. Better to leave, develop an amicable co-parenting life that is calm and works.

My own experience is this...

With hindsight, he fell out of love with me when dc2 was a newborn and we plodded along for about 9 years. I didn't do anything because my life was mostly happy. Got divorced when our dc were 11&9.

Positives;

1. I absolutely love love love him not being in the house.
2. I get a weekend day and night to do whatever I want with every week which I love.
3. My girls are fine, and if anything, it's served their interest to make sure they don't just settle.
4. I love dating, it's fun.

Negatives;

1. Logistically, I've had to drop somethings. Even though my ex was a dickhead, he did look after the girls about 5/6 times per week whilst I went off the do various things - sports/work/out for dinner. He did facilitate a life for me whereby I got to do more of the things I like doing.

From our children's perspective - the earlier the better. We should have divorced when they were little.

From mine - probably should have divorced sooner, but, but, but, I have had to give up some hobbies now.

Once the children get to secondary school, then definitely, you don't need that second pair of hands any more. BUT it's easier for the dc to do it sooner.

Your relationship sounds dead in the water and you are young. So it’s only going to fester.

You literally need to decide whether you can cope financially and cope with spending potentially 50% less time with your children. That’s your decision.

To be honest, it get on and make it as emotional trauma between the ages of 3-5 years WILL affect their psychological development.

I understand entirely, I've spent years viciously defending our age difference but underneath I've never been comfortable with it myself. I kept our relationship a secret for too long, even still I can be embarrassed to post pictures of us together or go out in public when we're in my home town as it's a visible gap. He does look significantly older than me. I can't pretend it isn't an issue.

Thank you for taking my comment in the spirit it was intended.

I think, you need to figure out why even though you had big reservations you proceeded with the relationship.

Did he know how you feel?

I would be inclined to say that you were young and had feelings so thought it would sort itself out. But you are doing it again.

You have huge reservations about spending the next 15 - 20 years with him, but still trying to find reasons to stay.

It sounds like the relationship should have ended or never started. But on the plus side, you have 2 kids you love and you can't change the past.

You can make different decisions for the future though.

Imagine staying and being miserable and then your kids, as adults, telling you that they wished you had left.

My dp and I seperated in June. No abuse, in any sence of emotional or physical.
He did drugs and drove dc and cheated. I think, denied but took a women away for a weekend and lied.
We tried counselling and the couseller even said she couldn't take sides but my decision was clearly best for me and she wished me the best. I am 1 billion per cent happier now and a better mom. My son is adored and has improved drastically in confidence since his dad left the home.

If I was you I'd go to relate or somthing, and see if there is any th ing to save as its hard when they are young. They were very helpful for me and while it didn't save the relationship, it did help me know what I wanted.

So he says he still wants to try. What does this look like in practice? And do you still want to try?

My DD’s dad met someone else when she was a baby so I have brought her up mainly myself. She cannot really imagine us being together. But her dad really left me to bring her up myself and did not push for overnights until she was wanted to go herself (aged nine). He had two other children with his new partner (now wife), and she gets along well with all of them. I used to be really annoyed with him for not bothering but in fact, she has turned out perfectly well-rounded and his more relaxed attitude was the right thing for her.

I met DS’s dad when DD was four and on paper it should have worked out fine, but it was oh so difficult and very messy when we separated. He did not actually live with us although we had planned this, I don’t think he could actually cope with full-time parenting. But he wanted to be able to come and go, and maybe I should have accepted this, except he wanted everything his way when he was here, and I found that extremely stressful, and controlling. It was not really a partnership. There was a lot more but this post is long enough. We ended up going through court and his contact is not anywhere near 50:50. It has all settled down now but I suppose that experience is a bit of a caution against the idea that you will meet someone new and it will all be fine. I have been single now for eight years because that totally put me off trying to find a new relationship with DC. Some people manage it, but I found that experience very damaging (and expensive).

I am not saying this is a reason to stay together, but as you say, the hypothetical better new partner is not a reason to leave. I don’t think the fear of 50:50 is a reason to stay either, if you can be amicable and sort what works for the children, then I think it is better that they do have some proper reasonable time with dad, because it is exhausting to do everything yourself. If he is a hands-on dad now, there is more likelihood of that happening and the children accepting it. But I say that as not having had to do 50:50 myself.

My first efforts though, in all honesty, having been a single parent for years, would be to think about the first question I posed. What does trying to fix this look like and can it be done? You have a big age gap and may just be at different life stages, but it is better to try and negotiate next steps amicably and together even if you end up splitting.

@Magicalwoodlands

Only you can answer that

I would not leave a marriage or relationship bar abuse (and abuse of course isn’t just physical ) with a young family. But that is me.

Agreed. I would never have split but her left me when Dd was 8. Luckily we had a friendly split but so many are awful.

You’re really young. If you were my age (40s) and not so interested in sex, love and romance as many older women aren’t then maybe it’s worth just sticking it out but in your 20s life is very different. I left my now ex when my dd was 6 months old - we’d been together 5 years by then. I was just really unhappy. And yes I did lose every other weekend with dd but at that time in my life it gave me a second chance at life - I got a part time job, met loads of new people and met a new partner (that didn’t work out but it lasted a good few years). I then met and married my now dh when I was a few years on from that and we’ve been happily together since. If you’re not happy now it won’t get any better.

I've now gone back amd read all your comments. In your situation, yes, I would divorce now. Because the younger the better for the dc. Because you've tried to save it already. Because your feelings will only get worse from here. Because he sounds like he will do the decent thing for your children - ie support them even as a nrp. My opinion is based on hindsight and my own experience.

Consider, you highly likely wouldn't lose your DC 50% of the time. Whatever men say, the vast majority of even 'brilliant' dads don't step up to 50/50 and you'd likely be left as the sole parent juggling two very young DC the majority of every week. The clue is the fact he's happy as things are.

@Genuinity, your ages are highly relevant as I was initially assuming you were both late 30s and this was a phase of hard parenting causing the malaise.

Ime, you become the person you are, around your late 20s, so when you commited to him you were still in the growth stage. How did you get together? It all seems to have happened quickly, were you feel vulnerable at the time?

Given your age differences and how you feel I don't think this is going to get better. You may want to reflect on what allowed you fall into this relationship despite the clear signs that your instincts were telling you it was wrong. Did you learn to ignore your feelings? Are you doing that again?

He doesn't have to agree to a separation, as it's rare that a couple jointly agree to split. You can decide that this isn't right and need to separate. Do you have family support?

You say it's ok and you just plod along but the sniping/bickering will define be noticed by your DC, maybe not yet but as they get older.

The separate bedrooms is fine if it is handled/talked about in a positive way. DD knows I sleep in the spare room sometimes but she also sees us hugging/kissing (no tongues!)/holding hands so it isn't seen as negative. it doesn't sound like your D C will be seeing any positives and that isn't modelling good relationships to them.

And 26! You are so young, like a PP said it's got to be easier to split now when the DC won't remember any different to leaving a n OAP when they are grown up

A divorced friend of mine said something so interesting about the agony of being without her kids part of the time.

She said that, in hindsight, there was a good side to it, as it forced her to gradually develop her own social life and interests outside of work and kids, so that she wasn't confronted with a sudden hole when they left home. Their absence and the feelings that came with that was built into her life already.

Let me tell you that my parents split up when I was 24 and my brother was 18 - he'd literally moved to uni the week before, they'd waited until then - and it was horrible.

Being an adult meant I was heavily involved in different ways than I would have been if I was a child. 7 years on and neither of them have found anyone else. I think they might/would have done if they'd split when they first wanted to (before my brother was even born!!)

Don't get me wrong, I am SO glad my brother is here, as I love him to bits. But my mum was miserable for over 20 years of her life, and behaved poorly because of it. I got a shit idea of what a relationship should look like and I put up with some bad guys because it seemed normal to me.

It blew our family apart even though they waited.

Your children would much prefer two happy parents, even if they are living separately. Trust me on that. They pick up on more than you think, and the last thing you want to be setting as an example to them is that they should put up with something they're not happy with.

If life is peaceful, if you like each other, can be in the same room without fighting and share family events then I would stay because that is best for your DC.
If you can’t stay then, given the various step parenting carcrash stories on MN, I would definitely put your romantic life on hold until your children are at least 16yo.

Long term love waxes and wanes. I think everyone goes through periods like this in relationships - often when the pressure of young children, work, finances is wearing everyone thin - but it can also reconnect again. You may not always feel this way.

Personally, as you say barring abuse of any kind and personally barring infidelity which is a red line for me, I wouldn't leave at this stage of life.

Have you thought about couples therapy to find a way to reconnect with the people you were pre kids, the people who fell in love?

"Also if you are hoping to meet someone else, will you have a worse chance of meeting someone decent when you are 10-15 years older than you are now."

That's ageist bollocks.

@Pleaseaddcaffine, well done, you made the right decision. Relationships generally end by Affairs, Addictions or abuse - all of these are definitely reasons to leave.

You are 26 and your whole life in front of you. I wish I’d left when my kids were little. Do it before schools become and issue because you’re then tied to a place until they are 18 and off to university.