Honestly, is it better to just make do when the kids are so young?

[Genuinity]

Obviously not including violence, emotional or physical abuse. If you just realise you aren't in love, that this isn't the person for you, that it just isn't right for you.

Are you more likely to regret leaving and losing your kids 50% of the time, missing some birthdays and christmases, taking that family unit and home away from them? Or are you likely to regret staying and look back in a decade and think I wish I'd left sooner?

Part of me thinks life is too bloody short to be with someone you don't love. But the other part of me thinks that with kids so young there's more to lose than their is to gain, and essentially by leaving to find a better relationship I'm picking hypothetical men over them? Has anyone come out the other side of this, or have any experience/wise words they'd like to share?

Sound like the age gap and having dc so young destroyed the relationship. Sad thing is reading about enjoying each other’s company watching tv and being comfortable with each other is good in long term relationships.

You are in would the grass greener situation with a different man? no one really knows. The reality is with very young dc being single will bring different challenges. You may make a great co parenting team and if he is a decent guy then that’s your main concern. Will you ever have an exciting relationship, who knows. It’s your risk to take totally.

@Fireflygal

Why did you settle down at 21? Do you understand your motivations then? It might help to assess what is happening now.

I don't really know. If I'm completely honest we met when I was 20 and a bit of a wreck. I was an entirely different person than I am now. I was young and carefree and working a basic job, living with my parents whilst spending most nights going out doing coke with my mates. We've built so much and come so far and I'm grateful but I am in absolutely no way the same person I was back then, so it's just hard to say really. I don't know. I guess he came along and offered stability, I moved in with him within a couple of months. Then we moved away when he got a new job, so I lost touch with my friends. I didn't have a social life anymore, he was ready for kids, I'd always wanted them down the line. I just did it all. I've always had doubts, I cried trying on wedding dresses as I just wasn't sure. But if I wasn't sure why have I kept going along with it for so long? Why am I still here? Perhaps me staying says a lot more than me wondering if I should leave?

Gosh that is a massive red flag.

I cried trying on wedding dresses as I just wasn't sure

I really think you should seek some counselling to get your thoughts in order and make a plan for your future, whatever that may be

@crystalize

You've got the ick. No coming back from that! Separate while they are young, it sounds like you will have a good co-parenting relationship with him.

This isn’t always true. I’ve had the ick and come back from it. Years on and relationship is solid.

I left my marriage when my children were 6 and 9 because by that time I’d agonised over it for 4 years plus and I finally realised that a) it was never going to be right for me and b) I mattered. I didn’t have to, and in fact, shouldn’t, sacrifice everything for everyone else to my own detriment. We co-parented well, they saw their dad often, and they have both grown into self-assured, happy, well-adjusted women. I modelled a life where I was in control of my own happiness and where I as a woman and mother also mattered. I wasn’t going to teach them to stay in a situation that made them deeply sad and which meant they couldn’t have passion, love, happiness, all those things that make life wonderful.

Who's doing the sniping? What is the catalyst usually for the bickering? Usually it's someone doing x and the other person responding.

I can't bare when any part of him touches me in bed usually

This is awful. Why is this? You must be physically and sexually repulsed by him for it to get to this level. You clearly can't stand him.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

I left my marriage when my children were 6 and 9 because by that time I’d agonised over it for 4 years plus and I finally realised that a) it was never going to be right for me and b) I mattered. I didn’t have to, and in fact, shouldn’t, sacrifice everything for everyone else to my own detriment. We co-parented well, they saw their dad often, and they have both grown into self-assured, happy, well-adjusted women. I modelled a life where I was in control of my own happiness and where I as a woman and mother also mattered. I wasn’t going to teach them to stay in a situation that made them deeply sad and which meant they couldn’t have passion, love, happiness, all those things that make life wonderful.

It's the agonising for me, too. If it was right would I agonise over whether I should leave or not this much?

I just feel like all I have are questions and not answers.

Of course you would still agonise.

It’s not an easy thing to do, and it shouldn’t be. It deserves a lot of soul searching.

I have never regretted it. I did the right thing for me, and for everyone else too.

(I had written a long reply setting it out but my iPad ran out of battery just as I was getting ready to post and I lost it all! This was the gist of it though)

I left when my DD was 3. My exH doesn't have 50/50 but he does have DD 2 days a week. It's tough, I miss her a lot, even three years on. However I certainly don't regret it.

It was never the right relationship for me, and deep down I knew that but for many reason was drawn in and continued it. I actually wanted to break up with him after an incident 1 year in, but just as I was about to do it I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. That of course changed everything and sadly our baby was stillborn. Our shared grief sealed the deal. I wanted to make everything better, make everything nice for everyone, so I married him and we tried for another baby, all within months. Long term though, I was miserable, I didn't want to sleep with him or be around him. We are very different people and brought out the worst in each other. I remember crying, thinking I can't believe this is my life and this is my husband. I felt too selfish to leave and disrupt everything. It reached the point where I was so miserable I had too, and again, I just didn't want to model that relationship for my daughter. I wouldn't ever want her to grow up and feel like she had to stay in that.

So I left, and it was bloody tough. It was tough on DD too. I thought I would be single for the foreseeable at 31.

Things did settle though. DD adjusted and is now happy. I met an amazing DP and am very happy. There are certainly still very hard parts to the situation but I do not regret my decision at all. I made the wrong decision in who I married and had a child with. This is unchangeable, it was a matter of making the best next decision I could.