My mum thinks I will loose people if I talk about my problems.

[Overwhelmed83]

I’ve just got into an argument with my mum. Same old thing all the time. I’m having a difficult time parenting at the moment, it’s getting me down. I went to speak to my mum and she said she is bored of hearing about it. I was just about to go off and see my boyfriend and she said I expect you’ll go there and talk to him and he’ll be bored of
It also.

I don’t know who to talk to anymore. I’ve never been able to talk to my mum about anything and it’s upsetting I can’t go to her or it seems anyone. Am I wrong here. I need to talk to people, it’s getting me down sitting on everything all the time on my own. I’ve no support. Or do I, my boyfriend says he’s here for me and now I don’t know if my mum is right and I shouldn’t talk to him.

I'm really sorry your having a tough time. I have a friend who is a total monaloguer who could talk solely about her problems for 3/4/5 hours and can get very upset if you try to change the subject because your "not listening". I doubt you are doing this and I imagine your mum is not very patient for whatever reason. You need to talk through your problems, your mum doesn't want to listen right now so I would try your boyfriend or find some girlfriends who you could chat to. Failing that lots of charities offer a phone listening service if you think that would help.

Sorry you are having a stressful time. I think if your boyfriend cares about you, he will want to be there for you to talk, and he will want to try and help. I don't think you should feel bad, I think it's part of being in a relationship to off load our stresses. Unless it's only your second date or something haha!
Maybe you could mention to your boyfriend about all of this and see what he says.

In terms of your mum...I am really close to my mum and she is very supportive generally but one day we got into a row about me talking to her about my anxiety. I spoke with my counsellor about it and I looked at it in a different way and it's helped me. I just accept now that not everyone wants the same out of relationships as I do. So my mum wants to be there for me in many ways but she doesn't/can't cope with the talk about my anxiety. Yes, it's hard for me but if I accept that then I don't feel so hurt or upset when it's difficult.
I do have friends who I can talk to and they don't get stressed about it in the same way my mum did.

I think it totally depends.

What are the stressors?

And do you talk about then often? Or do others?

Its difficult because of course we need people to talk to. But it can be exhausting for others to heat it all the time.

And, be honest, does talking about it make it better? I know some people who main about the same things to everyone and it seems to make them worse. All the talking in the world doesn't always make it better.

Also someone can be supportive at times and then someday they aren't up to it

Your mum wasn't kind to say it how she did, bit depending on what the issues are and how you do handle it, might mean being blunt helps.

Is she usually a good and supportive mum.

Let your boyfriend be the judge of what you can talk to him about. If he says he's here for you, then take it at face-value and ignore your mother.

If you're struggling, maybe you should reach out for professional help as well as leaning on friends and family? If it's parenting, maybe there's a group or service you could connect with?

My mum is not someone I’ve ever been able to go to for support. I’m mid 30s and I think the last time my mum hugged me was when I left for uni at 18. She isn’t available for emotional support. She just gets annoyed with you say anything to her, not allowed to feel unwell or stressed. I shouldn’t have expected her to say anything supportive.

But to tell me not to confide in my boyfriend really hit nerve this evening. It’s her fault I stayed in an abusive marriage because she taught me growing not to speak to people. I wish I had a mum to tell I was getting hurt to, instead I was terrified of her finding out.

I’m just learning to speak to people instead of holding everything in and this comment has set me back. I’m back to thinking I should just shut up as no one cares.

It sounds like you could actually do with dropping so much contact with your mother. The lessons she has taught you and continues to teach you are damaging and untrue.

Not something kind or supportive, you mum dosen't sound like someone who is good for you to be around, sounds like she can't cope hearing about normal life, you need your mum to listen and give you hugs. Of course your boyfriend wants to be there for you, hugs x

I think absolutely tell your boyfriend. I do think you should moderate yourself, so you don't go on about it too much. Especially if your boyfriend doesn't know your DS or isn't involved with him.

I do go on a bit myself sometimes, when I have something on my mind. And it can be a bit boring if you keep repeating yourself, but to speak about it then try not to being it up to much is fine. Me and DH say all I hear is Blah blah blah blah blah when the other starts going on about work stuff too much. So it works both ways.

Or of course MN can always offer you advise not all of it good. Take what you think is best !

It's normal and generally a good idea to talk to people about problems, in fact that's why the phrase 'a problem shared is a problem halved' exists. I would listen to your mum less on this, I don't think she's helping you.

Your mum is wrong. People aren't bored of you even if she is.

As she isn't generally supportive of you so you may as well not bother talking to her about anything at all.

However it doesn't mean you can't strike up conversation with a stranger who is a parent of a similar age child in say a playground. They are more likely to have experienced the same or similar issues to you, and will validate that your experiences of parenting that age of child as being in the range of normal. They will also be more supportive of you than your mum.

She has just made me feel so awful this evening, like I’m a child again looking for comfort and finding none. I went over to visit my boyfriend feeling rubbish and thinking I’m just not worth it.

OP is this thread relevant to you - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes ?

My boyfriend is involved with my child it’s been been around 1.5 years. He’s been with me through court and battles etc. He always says I’m here for you. Now she has me thinking he will just leave as I’m annoying. He sees how hard my child is, he tries to help at times but there is only so much he can do.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you are going through a tough time and that your mum is not being supportive.
I definitely think you should talk to your boyfriend, if you feel he will listen. I used to be very open about my problems with everyone, and as a poster said above I felt like if I didn't get the reaction I wanted, people "weren't listening." And talking about them all the time sometimes felt better, sometimes worse. But what I know now is that the issue was that I was often choosing the wrong people to talk to. I was unreasonable in my expectations of everyone, but at the same time there really were people who did not listen and whom I would not talk to in the future. I definitely figured out my support system more now though. I hope this helps.

Of your mum thinks you'll lose people because you discuss your problems... then she should listen to you! We all need to off load about our problems, and she's family and shouldn't be going anywhere. Therefore, she should lend an ear to bend!

It’s hard to tell whether you are going on about your problems too much without knowing you & your circumstances. I have a couple of people in my life who have problematic family/personal lives and after listening to the same old stuff for months, I had to switch off because it was draining me. They weren’t really listening to my suggestions, they just wanted a sounding board to vent at and it got very tiring.

I would recommend pulling back from your mum for a bit and giving her (and you) some space. Maybe chat to someone else, a friend or similar.

Sometimes mums just aren’t the ‘supportive’ highly empathetic types, it doesn’t mean they don’t care necessarily. Hope you feel better soon.

I am very conscious of not off loading all the time as he isn’t a substitute parent or therapist. He has his own problems also so I don’t want to take over.

I told him before we met that I have a messy family at the moment. Father doesn’t have access to child and lengthy court battles, he was made aware and I said look I don’t expect you to stay. But he has stayed. He is a really good man, I don’t want to loose him.

Well it sounds like there isn’t really an issue then? He’s happy to listen to you now and then, you try not to overwhelm him. Can’t see a problem. Just check in now & then and ask if he needs you to rein it in for a bit.

I did have a local domestic abuse charity that was incredibly helpful but they have closed during lockdown. It’s so hard to find the right kind of support at the moment.

Its difficult to say from the brief snapshot you have provided here. What happened to my recent long term relationship though, was my ex got to the stage where there wasn't a day something wasn't bothering him. Some things were things he clearly needed support with which I did support him with. However, it started making me miserable to be around him. It drained the life out of me. Our relationship stopped being fun. This is why I ended it. I feel complete relief.

Well, it can be draining sometimes being the one that everyone tells their problems too, especially when it’s over snd over… however, as your mum, like a pp said.. should be the one there for you, when no one else is. This isn’t always the way though, my mother is so unsupportive, but expects everyone else to listen to her moaning on and on… some people are just like that. Do not let what she said make you worried to talk to your bf.. let him decide what is/isn’t annoying! Hope your ok

It sounds like your mum is massively insensitive and from the background you gave, not the right person to try to get emotional support from. It’s sad but true that some parents just can’t deal with their children’s emotional needs.

You absolutely should talk to your boyfriend and friends about how you are feeling and get support from them.

Having said that you do need to make sure you aren’t constantly unloading on the same people and that you relationships aren’t one way (with them always being the one to offer you support). I know that probably isn’t what you’re doing, but if it is there is a chance that people will find this hard. I say this as someone who was like this a few years ago when I had ppd. looking back now I can see there are certain friends who stopped seeing me and that it was after I become a person who constantly vented at them about my struggles. Every interaction with them for over a year was negative.

If this might be you, don’t stop seeking support or talking. But maybe just be conscious about balancing that with some other conversations and conversations about them.

It sounds like your mother has never been the parent you've needed her to be. So you need to stop expecting that of her. If she last gave you physical comfort when you were 18 and she makes you feel inadequate for needing support, why are you still reaching out for her?

You can't change her but you can change your reaction to her.

Yeah I think I was triggered last night by her lack of support again. I don’t know why I expect it. It’s like when I left my ex husband because I had a breakdown due to abuse. I had nowhere to go but to her and she said to me that’s the life you chose for yourself, you chose him.

I think that its normal to discuss you day and any problems you may have. But it cannot be one sided, once it's been discussed you stop talking about it and ask the other person about their day. Otherwise it's offloading and draining for the other person. Me and my friends talk about our day including any problems. But I did have a friend who wouldn't stop talking and moaning about her problems, it was relentless. It made me want to avoid speaking with her. I did suggest that she see a therapist and doctor for possible depression. She stopped speaking to me, but recently reached out to say that shes now on medication which helps her.