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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me process what's just happened.

73 replies

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 18:20

This is long and I'll never be able to explain the full story. I am mentally drained.

I left H 2 weeks ago and staying at my mums. H I believe has narcissist traits and possibly some emotional abuse. I'm very confused by all this and I start counselling next week.

H has been up and down the whole time I've been at my mums. He's been caring, he's told me it's over, he's told me to get my things, he's told me I'm mentally unstable, he's apologised, he's begging for me back, he's finally agreeing to marriage counselling. I understand he's hurt and very upset.

Our relationship was pretty much over until last night. We still need to car share and DS is with me at my mums so I am still seeing him but only so he can see DS and get the car when needed. He has started to use the spare car key so we don't need to communicate but DS saw him last night as he came to collect it....he had gone home to an empty wardrobe as I moved all my clothes earlier in the day so he was upset. DS isn't well and that upset him that he wasn't there too look after him. Not that he ever did. He never did anything which is one of the many reasons I left.

Since then he has not stopped contacting me about getting back together. He has some sort of hold over me and even though I don't want to go back, I can't seem to be strong. I haven't agreed to go back, I just haven't said anything and he's done all the talking as usual.

One minute he says he loves me, the next he says he's having 'thoughts' that I am messaging other people - I'm not! The next he's saying he's lovely and Xmas is coming and what is he going to do, and then that goes into he wants me home and the whole cycle starts again.

I sent him a very long message to say he is not helping my mental health and I need time and space and basically to just back off. He then tells me he is going to leave me alone and wait for me to contact him. He is on the way to collect his dcs up (my step children) and our DS can see his siblings tomorrow.

He then calls again and I ignore the call.

The next thing I know he's at my mums door with his dcs asking if he and the dcs can come in because they want to see my and my dcs (from a previous relationship). I love my step kids very much, I couldn't say no to them! They know we have separated and so do my dcs.

I was so angry I was shaking. It was incredibly awkward but I could not say no. It was the worst possible situation I could be put in.

So all the dcs start playing like nothing has ever happened except for dsd who is sat on the sofa crying. It was awful.

I shouted at H in the kitchen asking why he would put dsd through this. He told me he was calling to ask if they could come but I declined the call. Even if I answered the call, I would of been on loud speaker and it would of been incredibly awkward for me to say no seeing them.

H then carried on bombarding me with reasons why we need to be together.

I'm so emotionally drained. They have gone now and I had a takeaway ordered. I feel numb.

Just to add - I'm staying at my mums but she is away this weekend.

What an idiot I am, I have absolutely no idea what to do next

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 13/11/2021 18:32

Wow, he completely bulldozed you, didn't he? I guess all you can do is keep stating your boundaries - no, you don't want him, no, you won't go back, this relationship is over. Not easy, I know.

ftw163532 · 13/11/2021 18:32

Freedom Programme.

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 18:33

@HirplesWithHaggis

Wow, he completely bulldozed you, didn't he? I guess all you can do is keep stating your boundaries - no, you don't want him, no, you won't go back, this relationship is over. Not easy, I know.
There was absolutely no way I could turn my step kids away. He's messing with their heads aswell as mine
OP posts:
kelseypops · 13/11/2021 18:34

@ftw163532

Freedom Programme.
Yes I'm on it and the baggage reclaim one too
OP posts:
category12 · 13/11/2021 18:34

You're not an idiot, I'm struggling to see what else you could have done.

Nothing has actually changed.

He pushed right through normal boundaries and used the children as weapons, but that's on him, not you.

He is busily demonstrating all those behaviours that made you leave in the first place, presumably.

Flurbegurb · 13/11/2021 18:34

This is why you left him. Do not let him guilt trip you. Keep posting. He's an utter bastard.

LoveComesQuickly · 13/11/2021 18:36

OP this is awful. He is trampling all over your boundaries. Go to counselling by all means - but by yourself, not with him.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 13/11/2021 18:36

He's throwing everything at you trying to find the one "message" that will manipulate you back to him, back under his control.

He is not sure yet what is gong to work, so he is giving you the whole gamut.

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 18:36

He's telling me he loves me, he will change. He will do marriage counselling. All of it. The he told me he will leave me alone. He tried to kiss me and hug me but I pulled away. He hasn't been in touch since he left

OP posts:
kelseypops · 13/11/2021 18:38

He lost his father to suicide and I'm always so worried he will do the same.

I have dsd a huge hug, I felt so bad for her. She's in her teens and understands everything.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/11/2021 18:40

Don't agree to marriage counselling with him. Joint counselling is a very very bad idea with an abusive or narcissistic person - it just gives them new levers and ammunition to use against their partner, and the counsellors sometimes fall for their manipulation and add to the problem.

Individual counselling if you need support. Not joint.

DeadoftheMoon · 13/11/2021 18:42

You are not an idiot. You are being abused by a controlling bastard.

'No' is your key word. 'No' to anything he wants. Block him. Insist on all communication by email (so you can choose whether you read them or not and so you have them as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour). If he turns up at the door, don't let him in.

I'm assuming you don't actually want this relationship to continue? Then don't make any arrangements with him (counselling, for example) and bit by bit disentangle yourself from him.

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 18:42

@category12

Don't agree to marriage counselling with him. Joint counselling is a very very bad idea with an abusive or narcissistic person - it just gives them new levers and ammunition to use against their partner, and the counsellors sometimes fall for their manipulation and add to the problem.

Individual counselling if you need support. Not joint.

Oh I won't be. I agree.

I've been on to him to have counselling for years for him. He refuses. Before I left, I was suggesting marriage counselling.

It's only since I've left that I've realised he is a narcissist. I don't want marriage counselling.

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 13/11/2021 18:42

They all do that shit. He's just working through different tactics until he finds the one that gets what he wants.

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 19:23

@ftw163532

They all do that shit. He's just working through different tactics until he finds the one that gets what he wants.

That's awful. The first parts of this are exactly him. Never got to the threats part
OP posts:
ForeverQuery · 13/11/2021 19:28

Stay strong and keep reminding yourself of why you have actually left, don't be sucked back into him, he's acting right now, you know the real him, and the act he's putting on now is panic because he's loosing control.
Keep telling him you need space and to leave you alone.

ForeverQuery · 13/11/2021 19:29

If it helps, right down on here what he's done to you and keep reading it.

oxfordgreen · 13/11/2021 19:29

@category12

Don't agree to marriage counselling with him. Joint counselling is a very very bad idea with an abusive or narcissistic person - it just gives them new levers and ammunition to use against their partner, and the counsellors sometimes fall for their manipulation and add to the problem.

Individual counselling if you need support. Not joint.

This happened to me. Why didn't someone tell me before I did it. What a mistake.

DO NOT HAVE JOINT COUNSELLING. Ever

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2021 19:31

Do you have any contact with the DSC's mum?

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 19:33

@Nanny0gg

Do you have any contact with the DSC's mum?
Not recently but she is lovely and we get on well. No doubt she won't be pleased about this when dad gets home.
OP posts:
supremelybaffled · 13/11/2021 19:36

He lost his father to suicide and I'm always so worried he will do the same

He knows you know that, and he will continue to use it to manipulate you.

Do not go back to him, and DO NOT have joint counselling with him whatever you do. It is absolutely not advised in cases where there is any kind of abuse.

kelseypops · 13/11/2021 19:40

The real him confuses me. There's a few things he's done in the past that I've not been able to get over. Shouting at me a few days after I gave birth to DS was one - because I was in pain. I put it down to tiredness from us both at the time.

He always needs to be praised. He always needs to have worked harder than me.

My dcs from previous have said since living at my mums that they can't figure out if hes nice or not. He always jokes with them but the jokes aren't funny. They are mean.

He has a gambling problem which he won't admit too because we were always ok for money...and managed to save even. But he used to continuously promise me he would stop gambling yet have at least £20/30 every day.

I do everything in the house. I ask for very little help yet when I ask he usually has an issue with it.

I find myself always walking on egg shells around him, I feel like I can't do what I want with my own dcs.

Yet he doesn't shout, hes never been violent.

I've no idea what he's done to me but he 100% has a control over me but I can't figure out how he's done it.

I've had mental health issues since before I met him.

OP posts:
kelseypops · 13/11/2021 19:41

@supremelybaffled

He lost his father to suicide and I'm always so worried he will do the same

He knows you know that, and he will continue to use it to manipulate you.

Do not go back to him, and DO NOT have joint counselling with him whatever you do. It is absolutely not advised in cases where there is any kind of abuse.

I can assure you I won't. I see that's a bad idea.

I always thought narcissist behaviour would be picked up on in therapy but I guess not.

OP posts:
ForeverQuery · 13/11/2021 22:19

Google the boiling frog, it explains abuse well.

RantyAunty · 14/11/2021 01:34

How old is your DS?

He's trying to wear you down.

You have to block him.
If he wants to see DS he needs to have a set time and take him back to his.

His constant contact and popping over is just one huge abusive mindfuck.