Help me process what's just happened.

[kelseypops]

This is long and I'll never be able to explain the full story. I am mentally drained.

I left H 2 weeks ago and staying at my mums. H I believe has narcissist traits and possibly some emotional abuse. I'm very confused by all this and I start counselling next week.

H has been up and down the whole time I've been at my mums. He's been caring, he's told me it's over, he's told me to get my things, he's told me I'm mentally unstable, he's apologised, he's begging for me back, he's finally agreeing to marriage counselling. I understand he's hurt and very upset.

Our relationship was pretty much over until last night. We still need to car share and DS is with me at my mums so I am still seeing him but only so he can see DS and get the car when needed. He has started to use the spare car key so we don't need to communicate but DS saw him last night as he came to collect it....he had gone home to an empty wardrobe as I moved all my clothes earlier in the day so he was upset. DS isn't well and that upset him that he wasn't there too look after him. Not that he ever did. He never did anything which is one of the many reasons I left.

Since then he has not stopped contacting me about getting back together. He has some sort of hold over me and even though I don't want to go back, I can't seem to be strong. I haven't agreed to go back, I just haven't said anything and he's done all the talking as usual.

One minute he says he loves me, the next he says he's having 'thoughts' that I am messaging other people - I'm not! The next he's saying he's lovely and Xmas is coming and what is he going to do, and then that goes into he wants me home and the whole cycle starts again.

I sent him a very long message to say he is not helping my mental health and I need time and space and basically to just back off. He then tells me he is going to leave me alone and wait for me to contact him. He is on the way to collect his dcs up (my step children) and our DS can see his siblings tomorrow.

He then calls again and I ignore the call.

The next thing I know he's at my mums door with his dcs asking if he and the dcs can come in because they want to see my and my dcs (from a previous relationship). I love my step kids very much, I couldn't say no to them! They know we have separated and so do my dcs.

I was so angry I was shaking. It was incredibly awkward but I could not say no. It was the worst possible situation I could be put in.

So all the dcs start playing like nothing has ever happened except for dsd who is sat on the sofa crying. It was awful.

I shouted at H in the kitchen asking why he would put dsd through this. He told me he was calling to ask if they could come but I declined the call. Even if I answered the call, I would of been on loud speaker and it would of been incredibly awkward for me to say no seeing them.

H then carried on bombarding me with reasons why we need to be together.

I'm so emotionally drained. They have gone now and I had a takeaway ordered. I feel numb.

Just to add - I'm staying at my mums but she is away this weekend.

What an idiot I am, I have absolutely no idea what to do next

Can you speak to the dsd’s mum and explain what he’s doing (I doubt she’ll be surprised) get her to tell the children if you say you can’t see them at the moment, it’s not that you don’t care, it’s just difficult at the moment.

My dcs from previous have said since living at my mums that they can't figure out if hes nice or not. He always jokes with them but the jokes aren't funny. They are mean

Please reread this. Is this what you want for them?

@Vapeyvapevape

Can you speak to the dsd’s mum and explain what he’s doing (I doubt she’ll be surprised) get her to tell the children if you say you can’t see them at the moment, it’s not that you don’t care, it’s just difficult at the moment.

I second this. I'd try to work out something longer term. Her children are DS's half-siblings, and it's in all of their best interests to maintain the relationship between them. If she's amenable to that, you'll be able to do it without needing to see him. You'll also be able to see them yourself on occasion. That's two huge things he'd no longer be able to hold over you.

Can’t agree with other posters that any of this is abusive and I think it wouldn’t be called that if it were you in his spot. Rather he sounds upset and confused. But that still doesn’t make him a good partner.

If you stay split from him I seriously wouldn’t enter another serious relationship until your child is grown. I think taking DS from his family group and siblings only to add other siblings when he thought of Daddy’s children as his siblings seems like a confusing and messy thing for a child.

If he pulls this stunt again let the children in and tell him what time he can collect them.

Especially as you already have children from a previous as well. I think you need to think of your children it can’t be healthy to have 3 different sibling groups from three different situations in a volatile situation like this at all.

He's telling me he loves me, he will change. He will do marriage counselling. All of it. The he told me he will leave me alone. He tried to kiss me and hug me but I pulled away. He hasn't been in touch since he left

This says it all, really.

His chief characteristic is CHAOS. Instability. Unpredictability. Unreliability. Inconsistency. You do not know from one minute/hour/day/week to the next what you are actually going to get. Maybe love, maybe hate. A promise that disappears into nothing. A grand gesture, then complete silence. Like a previous poster said, he's just trying everything to see what works. Throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks (and making a hell of a mess in the process.)

This is why you are exhausted and confused and can't figure out what's going on. Nobody can deal with or understand this sort of thing because it doesn't make a lick of sense and you know full well it could change any time.

Don't, for god's sake, let him know that you have grasped what he is doing. He will only get better at masking it.

You may have heard of the 'grey rock' strategy for dealing with narcissists. Effectively it is just ceasing to engage at any level with the drama. Anything you can possibly ignore, ignore. Anything you can't ignore, behave as emotionlessly as possible. He shows up, say, "I wasn't expecting you" and ignore him as much as possible. He starts to bombard you with reasons why you should be together, you just let him talk and then tell him flatly, "I really don't know how I feel right now, sorry." "I'll have to think about that." "Okay, thanks for letting me know." Make absolutely no agreements about anything.

The only way to get narcissists to leave you alone is bore them into submission. Don't argue, justify, explain, ask questions, try to understand. Avoid them if at all possible, and if you can't avoid them, keep engagement to a minimum, regardless of how they try to provoke you.

All they want is attention, positive or negative. You yelling at him is just as good to him as you crying that you can't understand him or telling him you love and miss him and want to be together. It's all just attention. Reduce the amount of attention and engagement you are prepared to provide and although there will be an immediate flurry of efforts from him to get the attention back, if you just doggedly refuse to give it to him, eventually he will give up and seek an easier target.

CONSISTENCY is the antidote to chaos.

"My dcs from previous have said since living at my mums that they can't figure out if hes nice or not. He always jokes with them but the jokes aren't funny. They are mean"

This is all you need to consider isn't it? How awful for them. Stay strong and free yourself from this

Make sure you write down all the incidents so they can be logged for the divorce. I’d also say no to counselling.

The fact that he is willing to involve the children in all of this as pawns shows clearly that he is abusive, @Megalameg.

No reasonable man who truly wishes to make amends and move forward would
(1) completely ignore the stated wish of his partner to leave her alone to breathe and think, or
(2) drag children into the situation, or
(3) consider each interaction with the partner to be one he needs to 'win', which is why he used the children to gain access.

I agree with PPs about making contact with DSC's mum to manage contact with them.

Put things in writing to ExH. Short, simple boundaries: He does not set foot in your house. He can see DS at XX times at XX place (NOT your house). He does not call or text [apart from contact with DS]. Etc. Keep it short, don't engage.

How long does this car arrangement have to go on? Sounds like a nightmare.

Stay strong - you can do it!

@mathanxiety

I mean like it or not children ARE involved. His son is his other children’s brother - that doesn’t change just because she decides to leave. And her other children are his sons siblings.

Children are involved and it’s bound to be terribly messy emotionally even with the best intentions when you have one family group from 3 different relationships first together and now breaking up. I can’t really put the blame for him on this as it was cause by both of their choices. This is why children with multiple partners and no long term stability is a bad thing.

My dcs from previous have said since living at my mums that they can't figure out if hes nice or not. He always jokes with them but the jokes aren't funny. They are mean"

Even your DC are being made to play his "Nice/Not nice game.

He sounds as though he likes to keep you all on your toes, gently walking on eggshells, with a twist of nastiness just to remind you all who's the boss.

The real him confuses me. There's a few things he's done in the past that I've not been able to get over. Shouting at me a few days after I gave birth to DS was one - because I was in pain. I put it down to tiredness from us both at the time

That is the real him, the one that shouted at you, when you were most vulnerable.

How dare you give your attention to a new baby and say you have pain. What about how he feels, how could you not be making HIM the centre of attention!

He always needs to be praised. He always needs to have worked harder than me

Of course, and you must bow down to his greatness, after all you do everything in the house, while he spends around £600 a month on gambling,.which he denies.

Seriously just the DC having to listen to his cruel 'jokes' would be the end for me.

Keep going & stop second guessing yourself.

The fog will lift and all will be clear.

The sunshine and the special days ahead are waiting for you and the DC.

You are feeling weak because your Mum isn't there and he has ground you down.

Send a text to set out when he can see the kids and tell him any other unwanted stuff you will report to the police. He is being abusive and making you ill.

This is when you have to be the sane sensible adult. He needs you to be what he is. Stop enabling him and don't buckle. If you show strength now he will start to engage in a sensible way. If you allow him to continue to abuse you, he will continue to be chaotic and abusive. You have more power than you think.

If he continues to be an asshole I would call the police as it's harrassment.

Sounds like he is bombarding you with emotionally abusive behaviour. Telling you the nice things about changing and going to counselling are part of the abuse too as it is part of the manipulation. Keep doing the programs and maybe look into getting a temporary restraining order so you have space to think. If that’s not possible then make sure you stay somewhere where you won’t be alone for long periods of time so that you have some backup if he tries to come in again.

@Megalameg your response is unhelpful. It is much better for the DCs to be out of an abusive home first and foremost. I think op is very brave for leaving.

Kelsey, your H is a mean-spirited, controlling narcissist who has mistreated your children. He is an emotional and financial abuser who is currently trying to bamboozle you.

The self-serving stunt he pulled was utterly despicable. He used and manipulated all of you. You must armor your boundaries and stay determined. Gray rock with minimal contact is the way to go.

Take a look at your recent comments on other threads:
I have left my H for many reasons however one of the main ones was how he treated my dc.

He treats DS and your other children very unequally. In fact he shows no love to my dc at all. Will be so quick to point out when they do wrong yet never say anything positive.

Dd words were ‘he was funny and always joking with me but sometimes I couldn’t figure out if he was joking or if he was just really mean to me’. Both children have confided that they do not want to return home and are not upset about the separation.

I’m now trying to look forward to a future where I can be the parent I want to be.

I’ve wanted it for so long. I knew our marriage was wrong. I knew he was wrong for me and I dreaded growing old with him.

I feel the calmest I’ve felt in a long time.

Kelsey, you took definitive action and left this horrible man to protect your children and yourself, and you must stick to your guns. Narcissists never change.

That should read: He treats DSS and your children very unequally.

‘’The real him confuses me. There's a few things he's done in the past that I've not been able to get over. Shouting at me a few days after I gave birth to DS was one - because I was in pain. I put it down to tiredness from us both at the time.

He always needs to be praised. He always needs to have worked harder than me.

My dcs from previous have said since living at my mums that they can't figure out if hes nice or not. He always jokes with them but the jokes aren't funny. They are mean.

He has a gambling problem which he won't admit too because we were always ok for money...and managed to save even. But he used to continuously promise me he would stop gambling yet have at least £20/30 every day.

I do everything in the house. I ask for very little help yet when I ask he usually has an issue with it.

I find myself always walking on egg shells around him, I feel like I can't do what I want with my own dcs.

Yet he doesn't shout, hes never been violent.

I've no idea what he's done to me but he 100% has a control over me but I can't figure out how he's done it.

I've had mental health issues since before I met him.’’

Sorry I don’t know how to quote and make that bold. This describes my (ex) marriage EXACTLY.
He seemed so nice on the surface, said the right things to other people yet constant little digs to me, expected me to do everything, was always tired himself even though I did all the nights etc etc. I was so scared living with him wondering what mood he would be in. Couple of drinks and he was quite fun with the kids, any more and he was horrible and I had to rush them upstairs. It’s exhausting.

You have done the hardest part which is to get away. The begging, pleading promises are hard to field but you know deep down they are only words. Then comes the abuse and threats but you must remember they are only words too.
Stay strong you have done and are doing amazing. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more because as I say this is exactly the same scenario I went through

@Savoretti

‘’The real him confuses me. There's a few things he's done in the past that I've not been able to get over. Shouting at me a few days after I gave birth to DS was one - because I was in pain. I put it down to tiredness from us both at the time.

He always needs to be praised. He always needs to have worked harder than me.

My dcs from previous have said since living at my mums that they can't figure out if hes nice or not. He always jokes with them but the jokes aren't funny. They are mean.

He has a gambling problem which he won't admit too because we were always ok for money...and managed to save even. But he used to continuously promise me he would stop gambling yet have at least £20/30 every day.

I do everything in the house. I ask for very little help yet when I ask he usually has an issue with it.

I find myself always walking on egg shells around him, I feel like I can't do what I want with my own dcs.

Yet he doesn't shout, hes never been violent.

I've no idea what he's done to me but he 100% has a control over me but I can't figure out how he's done it.

I've had mental health issues since before I met him.’’

Sorry I don’t know how to quote and make that bold. This describes my (ex) marriage EXACTLY.
He seemed so nice on the surface, said the right things to other people yet constant little digs to me, expected me to do everything, was always tired himself even though I did all the nights etc etc. I was so scared living with him wondering what mood he would be in. Couple of drinks and he was quite fun with the kids, any more and he was horrible and I had to rush them upstairs. It’s exhausting.

You have done the hardest part which is to get away. The begging, pleading promises are hard to field but you know deep down they are only words. Then comes the abuse and threats but you must remember they are only words too.
Stay strong you have done and are doing amazing. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more because as I say this is exactly the same scenario I went through

Wow thank you. I'm so sorry you went through it too.

It's not drink with him, he doesn't really drink but it's gambling instead. Constant promises every day that he would quit but he never did. He never made it so he had no money either though so that's where it became confusing for me. We were saving for a mortgage though (what a mistake that would have been) and we were never going to get anywhere with him gambling like that.

It's very hard to figure out. There have been a few times he has shouted at me and has been completely wrong. Sometimes he has apologised, sometimes not. Sometimes he's been absolutely lovely.

I start my own counselling next week and I'm hoping I'll be able to unravel it all to what I know deep down is true.

I won't be going back, I have opened my eyes enough now to see exactly what going on.

I left because stupidly I tried to open up to him about the state of my mental health hoping for support. He did the opposite and said it had annoyed him and he couldn't be arsed with it. That was the moment I was done. I left the next morning knowing I had enough and that's not changed one bit since I've been at my mums.

Thank you for your message - I would pm you but I don't have a clue how to do it

Thank you for all your responses and please be reassured I won't be going back and will not be having marriage counselling.

I can see I am being controlled by him. I don't know how he has done it but he has. I am not weak like I think I am. I am actually being incredibly strong.

As much as it scares me, I need to stand up for myself and be prepared for the words I will get in return. I know they are only words.

I'm just scared of the next stage where he is going to turn nasty.

You are so strong. I only realised when I left how strong I was as he had always made me feel weak and no good.
Years later I still see the controller in him. It’s innate. He will never change and now I am out of it I can’t believe how I was ever stuck under his influence. He still tries to control me through the children and it makes him so angry that it’s like water off a ducks back now.
I blocked him on text and said he could only email me re the children, that way I could open the abusive messages when I chose to (when kids in bed) rather than him bombarding me all through the day

He's sent me a message to say at least he wasn't a horrible husband like beating me up or cheating on me. I haven't responded.

He witnessed his dad beat his mum as a child so I'm guessing this is where these thoughts are coming from.

Thank you for your message - I would pm you but I don't have a clue how to do it

Above each post is an option to "message poster". Click on that and you can PM the person who posted.

This whole like is a huge rollercoaster and I just want to get off.

I've had a message saying he can't do it anymore and he is going to let me go.

Why the hell do I now start doubting every little thing I've said and felt? Like it wasn't that bad? Why do I start feeling sorry for him and that he isn't a narcissist/emotional abuser at all just because he says he's letting me go?

My eldest dcs have done nothing but argue and wind each other up all day...so my mind automatically goes 'no wonder he finds it so hard, he lives with them everyday and they aren't his. He's dcs are with their mum, and he has to deal with mine fighting all the time, no wonder he's not the nicest to them'

How horrible is it of me to think that?? About my own dcs. Who I love so very very much xx

I'm finding myself think I've had mental health issues all my life. He lost his dad to suicide, no wonder he finds it so difficult to be there for me.

Rest assured I'm still not going back. I'm just scared I'm going to forget how bad it actually was. I've got everything written in my diary, I've gone and read that and managed to make excuses on his part for most of it.

It's just a blip. I know he's an absolute dick