I've done something stupid

[Missy555]

This is long sorry and please can I ask you not to flame me? I know I've behaved badly but I really can't take nasty comments thank you.

I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 20years. I realised I wanted out of this marriage 13 years ago when he physically attacked me. That was the one and only time but the snide comments and total lack of love from him continued.

Although I should have left all those years ago I just didn't have the strength and financially it was impossible. I didn't want my children to lose their home and they never witnessed anything. Although as they have got older they comment on the way my husband talks to me.

During Covid I had a particular bad time. He was so unsupportive. I lost a few family members. My elderly parents were ill and lots of other things. I really spiralled into a depression and had to phone the Samaritans at one point because I was thinking of ending it all. I did tell him this and he replied that he couldn't talk about it as he was in the middle of doing his tax return. We never spoke about it again.

I got so low and I literally had to drag myself out of it. I stopped drinking, began exercising and lost a lot of weight. I then got a really exciting job offer. Which gave me a bit of financial freedom and hope, I thought that once the children left gone I could eventually leave him.

I told him a few months ago how I felt, how he had made me feel throughout our marriage and that I didn't see a future together. I have to say he seemed incredibly sorry for the way he had treated me. I also think he was frightened to see the incredible change in me and realised I was serious. At the moment it is impossible to split due to financial reasons but at least we are not arguing and he is actually being nice to me. I know it's over for us though as I don't think I can forgive him for how I have been treated over the years. I could actually write so much more about this but that's just a bit of background.

So to my problem. We were friendly with a couple at our local. The guy sometimes pulled my husband up about how he spoke to me.
They split up around 7 years ago. We occasionally saw him but the wife moved away.
About 5 years ago we were talking and he told me he was obsessed with me, he thought I was beautiful inside and out and he couldn't stop thinking about me. I told him I was married and nothing could happen between us.

I saw him just before the first lockdown and he had started a relationship with someone. I asked if he would get married again and he replied he never would, but the only girl he would marry was me as he still had feelings for me.

This summer I bumped into him again, just after I had told my husband I didn't see a future for us and I was in a bad way as one of my parents is terminally ill . I told him what had happened and he began texting me, just asking if I was ok.

One night it got a bit flirty then quite dirty. We both agreed that it should stop. He said that he never cheated on his girlfriend but he had always had feelings for me.

We video called one night and had I guess you would describe it as virtual sex. It made me feel amazing to be desired, I haven't had sex for such a long time and it did feel good. I know this was wrong but I got caught up with it all

He said he had to stop doing this and that he had a girlfriend and had to respect her. He did ask to meet me in person for sex but I said I couldn't.

He messaged me after radio silence last week, we then video called and it got dirty . I asked him why he was still with his gf and he replied that he loved her. I said why have you been after me all these years, telling me I was the girl for him and how gorgeous I was. He said it was just for sex.

I ended the call and blocked him. I felt so stupid for falling for his lines but relieved in a way that I could stop fantasising about him being my knight in shining amour.

I have recently found out that this guy is a massive player, I really rather stupidly thought I was special to him. I know I shouldn't have let it go so far especially as he had a girlfriend but I just got carried away.
I feel dirty and cheap and my biggest fear is that on the last video call he may have filmed it. I keep picturing him laughing about me and my mental health has really taken a bad turn.
If he did video it or he tells people I really think I would have to kill my self as I couldn't bare the shame.

I have come such a long way and I can feel myself slipping back to how I was. Please please try not to flame me. I know I probably deserve this but Im torturing myself at the moment and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading x

Don’t be harsh on yourself. You are only human and were taken advantage of by this vile man.

Try not to worry about whether he filmed you. It’s illegal and it’s unlikely he’ll share anything as he has a lot to lose.
Put it behind you and move on.
Look forward to the day you can leave your horrible husband too.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Take care, OP.

If he videoed it and showed it to anyone, or told anyone about it, it would only be people who think nothing much of it, that it's an okay thing to do. There is no point in killing yourself over the opinions of people who lack basic morals and respect.

What is really important here to recognise is how easily you were sucked into a bad situation when someone appeared to offer you kindness and esteem, telling you how beautiful and amazing and precious you were. But once he had you feeling good, he started asking you to tarnish that good feeling by doing something less than good. And you went ahead with it because you were desperate to feel at least some good feelings after so long of being deprived of them.

This isn't great but it's understandable. If someone tells you they can feed you the greatest meal you've ever had, you're probably going to want to know more. If this lovely meal turns out to be a piece of toast and jam, are you're already well-fed, you'll find it easy to say, uh, no thanks. But if you're starving, you're probably going to take it because it's the best you currently have.

To stick with the analogy, you don't need to find a man who can actually give you an amazing meal, first you need to learn to make your own meal. You have to learn how to give yourself enough that you're not prepared to accept less from anyone else.

Imagine how your ideal man would treat you – not a millionaire who can fly you to Paris on a whim, that's a fantasy – but a realistic, simple decent, kind, loving man. Would he buy you flowers when you're down? Cook you your favourite meal? Tell you he understands that things are hard when you're struggling and remind you of all your successes and encourage you to keep going?

That's the kind of loving self-care you need to learn to provide for yourself, regularly and long-term, so that you nourish your own sense of self-confidence and self-sufficiency – you learn how to be genuinely okay on your own, and not starving for care from someone else.

Your affair partner told you what you wanted to hear, told you that you were beautiful and worthy of good treatment, but when you rushed into it, not asking yourself how someone you barely know could genuinely think or offer that, you quickly found out that behind his pretty words lay not a petal-strewn honeymoon bed, but a grubby little session in a broom closet. That's a pretty sociopathic thing for him to do, but you did walk through the broom closet door with him.

You need to tell yourself what you're really worthy of and resolve to accept nothing less. Your session with him 'felt good', but he actually didn't do a thing for you – it was actually your own hands and your own imagination that did the real work. Don't let some loser take credit for what you can actually give yourself.

Great post @CheekyHobson

@CheekyHobson

If he videoed it and showed it to anyone, or told anyone about it, it would only be people who think nothing much of it, that it's an okay thing to do. There is no point in killing yourself over the opinions of people who lack basic morals and respect.

What is really important here to recognise is how easily you were sucked into a bad situation when someone appeared to offer you kindness and esteem, telling you how beautiful and amazing and precious you were. But once he had you feeling good, he started asking you to tarnish that good feeling by doing something less than good. And you went ahead with it because you were desperate to feel at least some good feelings after so long of being deprived of them.

This isn't great but it's understandable. If someone tells you they can feed you the greatest meal you've ever had, you're probably going to want to know more. If this lovely meal turns out to be a piece of toast and jam, are you're already well-fed, you'll find it easy to say, uh, no thanks. But if you're starving, you're probably going to take it because it's the best you currently have.

To stick with the analogy, you don't need to find a man who can actually give you an amazing meal, first you need to learn to make your own meal. You have to learn how to give yourself enough that you're not prepared to accept less from anyone else.

Imagine how your ideal man would treat you – not a millionaire who can fly you to Paris on a whim, that's a fantasy – but a realistic, simple decent, kind, loving man. Would he buy you flowers when you're down? Cook you your favourite meal? Tell you he understands that things are hard when you're struggling and remind you of all your successes and encourage you to keep going?

That's the kind of loving self-care you need to learn to provide for yourself, regularly and long-term, so that you nourish your own sense of self-confidence and self-sufficiency – you learn how to be genuinely okay on your own, and not starving for care from someone else.

Your affair partner told you what you wanted to hear, told you that you were beautiful and worthy of good treatment, but when you rushed into it, not asking yourself how someone you barely know could genuinely think or offer that, you quickly found out that behind his pretty words lay not a petal-strewn honeymoon bed, but a grubby little session in a broom closet. That's a pretty sociopathic thing for him to do, but you did walk through the broom closet door with him.

You need to tell yourself what you're really worthy of and resolve to accept nothing less. Your session with him 'felt good', but he actually didn't do a thing for you – it was actually your own hands and your own imagination that did the real work. Don't let some loser take credit for what you can actually give yourself.

Wise words.

@Missy555 I wouldn’t assume he filmed you just on the basis of the friend’s smirk; he’s more likely to have told him that he ‘got’ you after years of chasing you - not great, but nothing much to worry about. Unless there were other things that made you suspect you were being filmed, I think it’s probably your guilt and shame escalating your anxiety.

Thank you all for your kind replies, I do feel a bit better. Special thanks to @CheekyHobson your reply really made sense to me!

I'm sorry if I worried anyone, I really don't think I will go back to where I was last year and I wouldn't do anything to hurt my children.

I do feel very stupid for letting this man manipulate me. I'm really worried about bumping into him. We have an event tonight that he may be at. I really can't cancel as we are going with really close friends and been planned for months.
If he is there I think I will have to pretend I'm ill or something and leave. I couldn't bare to be in the same room as him.
The only good thing to come out of this is that the thought of him now makes me feel physically sick so the scales have definitely fallen from my eyes.
Once again thank you all so much x

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

If you can, just style it out if he's there, it'll make it easier in the long term.

Remember an erection is not a compliment.

Onwards and upwards xx

@BudgeSquare that actually made me laugh, thank you

Just popping back to this thread as I'm really struggling.
I haven't had anymore contact and fortunately haven't bumped into him.
I'm just feeling so awful. I can't stop thinking about what happened and how used and stupid I feel.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can move forward?
I'm dreading Christmas and trying to put a smile on my face. I feel so so lonely.
Husband still saying he wants us to sort things out. I can't I dont love him.
But I can't see a way out.
This stupid thing I've done has made me feel way way worse

Have you managed to speak to women's aid OP? They can talk you through your options when it comes to leaving your abusive relationship.

And once you're out, you'll need to have some counselling to process the trauma you've been through over the last 20 years and start to build up your self esteem and boundaries again.

Thank you for replying.
I haven't tried Women's Aid. I didn't want to bother them as I'm not in physical danger.
Husband said yesterday that I was at fault too because he couldn't handle my depression.
He doesn't get that it was him causing my depression.
I keep questioning our whole marriage.

Women's Aid isn't just for women suffering physical abuse, it's for women who need support due to any type of abuse and they would rather you called for advice than you not do so. I promise.

He has been physically abusive. The fact it was 'only' once doesn't change that. He has been consistently emotionally abusive before and after, too.

You are in an abusive relationship and your priority needs to be speaking to women's aid / GP / counsellor to try to start making a plan of action to leave him

Thank you, I will try Women's Aid.

How can I stop thinking about this man? He occupies my thoughts all the time. I know he used me, I'm terrified of bumping into him. But that feeling of being desired was so nice.
I just want to be loved.
Everything was looking a bit better but now feels so bleak

You are stronger than you think. Women’s aid can help with things that you are struggling with like setting up financially. I read some of your earlier posts and I want to give you some advice - your children could not give less of a shit about their ‘family home’ they would see it sold of brick by brick if it means you could live a happy life. Please trust me on that as the child of a ‘broken home!’ Bricks and mortar mean nothing if you knew your parent(S) contemplated suicide. Xx

Counselling and therapy just for me is worth it’s weight in gold - don’t tell husband - just for you and talk through the two abusive relationships you have had and are in and get a third party to help you find a way forward

Please, please stop beating yourself up. He won't share the video (if it even exists) because he'll be prosecuted for revenge porn. Don't let a wanker like him destroy your mental health.

Start by making plans to start your new life without your husband. Get through Christmas then make 2022 the year you shine again.

Forget about the other man - he probably goes through life telling random women he's obsessed with them, it's the only way he gets laid, virtually or otherwise. You could just as easily have recorded him tugging his todger - he doesn't know you didn't.

Hello sorry you are having a hard time. You don’t know that he videoed it and if he did he has nothing to gain by sharing so try not to worry. If you do get a hint he does make it clear you will report to,police but it won’t come to that. Shame he is the second one to show you how to be awful.
Move on and enjoy the new you x

Thank you everyone. It's so hard to see a happy future. My new job was my sanctuary but there is a women there that is very controlling so I don't look forward to going anymore.
I know I have to dig deep and get through this but I do feel like I've gone back a few steps and I can't help feeling ashamed of what I did.
But thanks so much for your supportive messages x

There's nearly always that woman at work. The way I deal with mine is to be friendly but very cool, I don't react to any criticism or unpleasantness. Pick out the bits of the job you do enjoy and I bet you're not the only one who has a problem with this woman.

As for feeling ashamed, stop going over what happened - you're a human being, you reacted like a human being and the bloke is a complete and utter prick. You need to start each day with some positive affirmations and stop going over the bad stuff. It's over and done with.

I have only just found your thread and I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Please, please try not to beat yourself up over it-easier said than done I know. He was cruel and manipulative and he preyed on you when you you were vulnerable. I totally understand how easy it is to fall for the lines when you feel alone and unloved. Just remember that you are worth so much and keep buggering on. Huge hugs 🤗