I bet you're not even a virgin anymore!

[DontKnowWhatToThink7]

Grew up with an abusive dad.
My mum, I guess, was a bit of an enabler although I didn't realise that at the time. We were quite close actually.

I've just had a memory pop into my head of my mum screaming at me "I bet you're not even a virgin" to me when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I was going through some challenging behaviours at the time, due to being treated like shit by my dad my whole life, being depressed and just being a teenager.

Is this something that you would say to your child in anger? Or is it completely inappropriate?

I have a daughter now and I would never dream of saying something like that to her, even is I was angry.

Any thoughts?

That was a really fucked up thing for your mum to say. Completely inappropriate.

Of course it’s not okay. Of course it’s inappropriate. As you say, you have a daughter and realise that.

Sorry they were bad parents.

Wow. That is really disgusting. Your mum is sick.

@JennyDune Why is any of that relevant?

Enablers can engage in pretty horrible behaviour at times too. I've found they generally have some odd ideas and are a bit messed up themselves (hence being in their situation). It's just not as obvious next to an abuser.

You're right OP, it was wrong and totally inappropriate of her to say that to you.

That's wholly inappropriate.

@JennyDune

It depends on the context of the argument. Was it about boys?

Also, was she right or wrong? (At that age, nobody should be having sex)

Nothing to do with boys

@JennyDune

It depends on the context of the argument. Was it about boys?

Also, was she right or wrong? (At that age, nobody should be having sex)

Nah, it's not OK to be screaming that stuff at your daughter, no matter what.

[quote Owambe2021]@JennyDune Why is any of that relevant?[/quote]
Because at that age, children should not be dating, yet alone be having sex. Sex should be discouraged at that age.

I remember my parents teaching me what was expected of me growing up and that whilst I was under their roof, no dating, yet alone sex!

And even after moving out, they encouraged no casual sex or to wait until marriage...which I did.

@JennyDune

You are wildly missing the point.

OP (or any 14 year old girl) does not deserve to have her mother screaming abuse at her like that.

@JennyDune Is that something you would shout at your daughter then?

That is a vile thing for a mother to say to a young teenage girl.

Even if the argument was about boys , it’s not a very nice thing to say to your daughter.

[quote DirectionToPerfection]**@JennyDune

You are wildly missing the point.

OP (or any 14 year old girl) does not deserve to have her mother screaming abuse at her like that.[/quote]
Agreed, hence why I wanted to establish the context. If it was random, then yea, its not appropriate at all.

For example, my parents used to really shout at me for getting B's and A's in class/exams. They used to make me feel like crap for not getting A*. They even used to call me an alcoholic / low life for just drinking spirits with friends at parties, when I was 19/20. But it wasnt the end of the world.

Actually.. after typing the above....Im thinking about it now....is this sort of parenting behaviour normal or have my parents just made me think this is normal? (Im nothing like them btw, im more laid back)

(Im Asian if it makes any difference.)

No dating while under your parents roof ? Blimey

It's a disgusting thing to say to anyone, let alone a child. If she was worried you were having sex at that age, the normal response would be to offer support and check that you were okay and knew what you were doing and how to stay safe- whether she agreed with it or not. I'm sorry you didn't get that response from her.

[quote DontKnowWhatToThink7]@JennyDune Is that something you would shout at your daughter then?[/quote]
No I wouldnt, especially not randomly.

But I would definitely challenge and discourage/stop her from hanging out with boys or dating behind my back.

Awful.

I can relate. I have horrible memories of my mum doing similar. About the same age (13 or maybe 14) and she used to routinely go through my room. She found the album insert to a record I had bought - I think it was Bon Jovi (1980s). I got home from school and my heat sank to see it was on the dining room table. She started yelling at me about how awful the lyrics were, and finished off with “and I bet you are promiscuous too!”.

I didn’t even know what it meant. I had to look it up in the dictionary in the school library (pre internet).

It was only about 30 years later, when she started opening up to me as an adult, that I realised it was because she had been promiscuous as a teenager, and she felt ashamed of it, and projected that on to me.

@JennyDune No, that is neither normal nor healthy parenting. There is no context in which that sort of parental conduct is acceptable. Concerns about sexual activity in a teen are not to be addressed by screaming at them and slut shaming them. And your parents should not have been making you feel like a lowlife for any reason, much less normal young adult behaviour and perfectly fine grades.

I’m very sorry you experienced this.

Jenny it does sound to me as though your parents were very controlling and excessively strict, and have passed their repressed views about sex and dating onto you. The vast majority of young people will be having relationships and experimenting with sex in their teens; there's nothing shameful or wrong about this and they can navigate it much more safely with parental support and guidance.

@Vapeyvapevape

No dating while under your parents roof ? Blimey

Tbh, its quite common among Asian and Christian culture (church going).

Sorry to clarify - the dating thing was more like no dating before your studies are finished and afterwards you can only date another church going person.

JennyDune no it definitely wasn’t normal. Most teens start dating at 14/15, your parents were OTT in not allowing it. And telling you not to have sex until marriage is weird - no one should be that invested in their adult kid’s sex life. Also, ranting about A and B grades was absurd as was the comment about alcohol. They sound as awful as the OP’s parents tbh.

@IncompleteSenten

That was a really fucked up thing for your mum to say. Completely inappropriate.

This.

Just awful.

Sorry OP.

For you op my mum also made horrible comments like this to me, even thinking about them now some 25 years later it makes me feel so embarassed. I could never tell anyone in real life. I also had an abusive father, we are nc now.