I bet you're not even a virgin anymore!

[DontKnowWhatToThink7]

Grew up with an abusive dad.
My mum, I guess, was a bit of an enabler although I didn't realise that at the time. We were quite close actually.

I've just had a memory pop into my head of my mum screaming at me "I bet you're not even a virgin" to me when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I was going through some challenging behaviours at the time, due to being treated like shit by my dad my whole life, being depressed and just being a teenager.

Is this something that you would say to your child in anger? Or is it completely inappropriate?

I have a daughter now and I would never dream of saying something like that to her, even is I was angry.

Any thoughts?

I think shaming your children for any reason is highly abusive and can leave long lasting damage to a child's sense of self.

My experience was the polar opposite. I remember my parents speculating that it wouldn't be long until I came home from school pregnant. I was about 12. When that didn't happen my dad started making vile and inappropriate comments about me ie that girl will never get a girlfriend if she doesn't open her legs.

My DM got pregnant with my brother when she was 13, had me by the time she 15. My DD had a porn habit, used to leave his dirty magazines in the kitchen drawers where we could find them. Completely messed up individuals who came from fairly straight laced families. It's taken a lot of therapy to unravel the damage they caused.

Yes it was bad when you write it on a message board many years later. It was the wrong thing to say but not a time to hold grudges now IMO.

Have an adult chat with your mum if that will make you feel better and forget it. Parenting is tough and the 80s/90s etc were a different time.

I am sure many parents on here will get their kids questioning their behaviour now in years to come.

Boyfriend, not girlfriend!

It was completely inappropriate and abusive. I can't think of any situation where shouting that to your own teen daughter could ever be justified.

Parenting is tough and the 80s/90s etc were a different time

@ReadyforTakeOff

Yes it was bad when you write it on a message board many years later. It was the wrong thing to say but not a time to hold grudges now IMO.

Have an adult chat with your mum if that will make you feel better and forget it. Parenting is tough and the 80s/90s etc were a different time.

I am sure many parents on here will get their kids questioning their behaviour now in years to come.

Sorry, but that’s nonsense. Parenting was no harder in the 80’s and 90’s than it is now. Lots of people had excellent, non-abusive parents. I’m fortunate enough to be one of them - I was born in the 80’s and my parents have managed not to abuse or slut shame me for a solid thirty odd years.

OP’s mother’s conduct isn’t ‘bad when she writes it on a message board many years later’. It was just bad, full stop. And OP is well within her rights to recognise and examine that from the perspective of an adult with a child if similar age. Your phrasing seeks to minimise her experience and invalidate her feelings. Why?

@ReadyforTakeOff

Yes it was bad when you write it on a message board many years later. It was the wrong thing to say but not a time to hold grudges now IMO.

Have an adult chat with your mum if that will make you feel better and forget it. Parenting is tough and the 80s/90s etc were a different time.

I am sure many parents on here will get their kids questioning their behaviour now in years to come.

This wasn't the 90s, this was mid 2000's. And even then it would be wrong. It also wasn't the only thing she has said or done as you can see from my other posts. She didn't bat an eyelid when my dad to destroyed my house, trashed my room, threw furniture at my head (I was around 7 btw) even after she found me cowering in a corner. I am still forced to celebrate my dad's birthday every year and he died 15 years ago.

God that sounds awful and your mum's awful for talking to you in that way, how's your relationship now,do you still even speak to her?

I am still forced to celebrate my dad's birthday every year and he died 15 years ago.

What would happen if you refused?

(Genuine question, not snark, in case it’s not clear!)

100% agree your mother sounds awful and your father vile, obviously.

@MrsCBY

I am still forced to celebrate my dad's birthday every year and he died 15 years ago.

What would happen if you refused?

(Genuine question, not snark, in case it’s not clear!)

Maybe forced isn't the right word. She will say something along the lines "I want us all to go out for lunch for your dad's birthday, I'm sorry but that's just want I want to do"

She still minimises a lot of what he did and will say things like "you never remember the good times"

It's actually really, really frustrating. It's like she doesn't see anything wrong with what he did.

@ReadyforTakeOff Oh here we are, yet another flying fucking monkey trying to tell someone what they experienced 'wasn't that bad' and spouting bullshit about 'the 80s/90s was a different time'...I was 22 when the 80s ended and yes, they were different - they were far fucking easier than now. Parents didn't have social media/internet to deal with, for a start.

And why shouldn't a child question what their parent did, especially if it was obviously wrong? Or are parents above being held accountable for their actions?

You should have yelled back and said I bet you are! So immature!

Totally inappropriate.

Completely inappropriate.

I suspect your mum came from an abusive home dominated by a sexist pig and absorbed self hatred from a toxic atmosphere, which she then projected onto you.

You didn't deserve the treatment she inflicted on you that day.

@mathanxiety

Completely inappropriate.

I suspect your mum came from an abusive home dominated by a sexist pig and absorbed self hatred from a toxic atmosphere, which she then projected onto you.

You didn't deserve the treatment she inflicted on you that day.

It was the opposite actually, she had a lovely child hood (from what she has told me) and was very close to her dad.

Disgusting.

@Brainwave89

Tbh, it was true/fact among my family, extended family, and family friends / "community" (opposed to must being a stereotype). Naturally, there would have been exceptions. But for most children of 1st generation Asian religious middle class immigrants, I know it was true.

But I have noticed that it is much rarer or non existant amongst newer generation/s. E.g. all my cousins' childrens have free reign/freedom from what I can see.

Appallingly bad parenting. I'm old - I was a teenager in the 80s and neither of my parents ever spoke to me or my Dsis like that. This is nothing to do with the time you were raised in, it's to do with abuse of a different kind.

Shame on the apologists on this thread, take a long hard look at yourselves.

I would suspect that she was not being entirely truthful to you about her childhood.

She stayed with your abusive dad.

She still minimises a lot of what he did and will say things like "you never remember the good times"

It's actually really, really frustrating. It's like she doesn't see anything wrong with what he did.

You can’t stop your mother doing this. This is the route she has chosen - to deny and minimise what your father did, and what she herself did, because it makes it easier for her. Regardless of the impact on you.

The important thing for you though is not to do the same yourself. You don’t have to deny and minimise it. I hope the posts on this thread (most of them, anyway) are helping you see how wrong it was for her to say that to you, how wrong it was for her to enable your father’s abuse of you, and how wrong it is for her to deny it all now.

It sounds like you’re just beginning to get your head round the fact your relationship with your mother maybe isn’t what you thought it was, and you maybe need to look at it in a new light. It’s good that you can see you wouldn’t treat your own DD that way, hold on to that.

You might want to have a look at the Stately Homes thread at some point, I think you’d find it very useful.

No, your mum was wrong. As was mine when she used to 'lord it' over me because I was a virgin and she wasn't!

OP it was 100% inappropriate.

Early 40s now. In our teens, Mum taught sister and l not to do something that didn’t make us feel nice.

She also told us that virginity was a “man made” misogynistic male controlling concept . Nothing to be ashamed of or proud of.

Absolutely not ok...I had parents who also had weird views on sexuality and this kind of thing happened all the time. Also period shaming...just being shamed for growing up and becoming a woman.

@StarlightLady

OP it was 100% inappropriate.

Early 40s now. In our teens, Mum taught sister and l not to do something that didn’t make us feel nice.

She also told us that virginity was a “man made” misogynistic male controlling concept . Nothing to be ashamed of or proud of.

Your mum sounds amazing

I know what you mean. On my first week of secondary school, so I would have been 11, I felt incredibly poorly, with a headache and stomach ache. The nurse rang my mum who came to pick me up. Although she didn't shout, she asked, quite tersely if I was pregnant. I'll never forget that! I hadn't even thought of boys in that way at all and was pretty much a good kid at that age, it really demonstrated to me what she thought of me and really really embarrassed me too.

But I don't dwell on it now, she's a lovely mum. I think when mums (and dads) are in the thick of it with child rearing and family life, they can act really bizarrely and unreasonably, especially if they have abusive partners. It's often not the real them and they only become themselves again when they come up for air years later when that stage of life has died down. Is your relationship with her good now? Would she treat you like this now?