I bet you're not even a virgin anymore!

[DontKnowWhatToThink7]

Grew up with an abusive dad.
My mum, I guess, was a bit of an enabler although I didn't realise that at the time. We were quite close actually.

I've just had a memory pop into my head of my mum screaming at me "I bet you're not even a virgin" to me when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I was going through some challenging behaviours at the time, due to being treated like shit by my dad my whole life, being depressed and just being a teenager.

Is this something that you would say to your child in anger? Or is it completely inappropriate?

I have a daughter now and I would never dream of saying something like that to her, even is I was angry.

Any thoughts?

Perfectly ok to talk to your daughter or son about sex and consent and perhaps waiting until she/he is in a trusting relationship. That's thoughtful parenting.

Screaming and slut shaming is not that.

@pointythings

Appallingly bad parenting. I'm old - I was a teenager in the 80s and neither of my parents ever spoke to me or my Dsis like that. This is nothing to do with the time you were raised in, it's to do with abuse of a different kind.

Shame on the apologists on this thread, take a long hard look at yourselves.

Agree. I was a teen in the 80s and my parents managed to be both supportive without being over permissive or saying anything goes.

As a result my first experience of sex (with boyfriend I was in love with at 18 and desperate for 🤣) was great.

Thank you OP. I loved my mum. She was a great feminist and an inspiration. Back in my teens my friends used to confide in her.

She was cross when she first found out l was having sex. Not the fact that l was sexually active but that l hadn’t told her. On the virginity thing, she absolutely hated the term “lost” virginity. She always maintained nothing was lost and it was sexism on steroids.

We were UK born but brought up in France due to dad’s job. Mum used to go topless on the beaches too.

Name changed for this. I can definitely relate, OP. To cut a long story short, I was seen by one of my mum's colleagues with my older boyfriend (17) when I was 14. We weren't having sex, and we hadn't, but objectively it looked bad.

The rage and shame my parents threw at me is something I've never forgotten. They screamed at me and told me I'd disgraced them and behaved like a slut, and asked me why I had something wrong with me.

They locked me in the house, took my phone from me for weeks and didn't even let me go back to school for the first few days of term so I had to start a new school year in a new class late and it made me the subject of gossip. They forced me to go to our family doctor and a pharmacist and tell him what I had done. I refused to take a pregnancy test as we hadn't actually had sex and this led to further rebukes. The humiliation of this time still makes me feel sick now, nearly 20 years on.

The worst thing is, the way they handled it meant that when my then ex-bf's much older uncle started abusing me a few weeks later I felt I couldn't ever say anything to them. I was genuinely worried they wouldn't love me anymore, which was one of the reasons I stayed silent for years

I'm sorry your mum spoke to you like this too, OP. I hope I can be a better parent to my DD on this front when she's older than mine were to me.

Oops, name change didn't work. Oh well, never mind!

Awful, I'm sorry OP x

OP No that isn't normal at all but I understand you questioning it after having a similar upbringing. I hope you're ok.

And even after moving out, they encouraged no casual sex or to wait until marriage...which I did @JennyDune abstinence based sex education does nothing to prevent teens having sex, it just makes them more likely to do it whilst uneducated.

I’m so, so sorry, EvenLess07.

@EvenLess07 I am so sorry this happened to you!

I see we have a virgin til marriage of Asian descent giving her perspective.... which is completely irrelevant.

And also missing the point that whether ops mother was against young people having sex before marriage (not relevant to our culture unless deeply religious) or ar all, "i bet you're not even a virgin any more" is an accusatory, presumptuous, insulting, negative, derogatory, irresponsible and highly unpleasant and unconstructive way of approaching the subject.

Op, I think you've hit the nail on the head re your mother being an enabler for your abusive father, she sounds like an abuser herself too.

She just looks less abusive than your father. But if the bench mark was non abusive reasonable, kind behaviour ... she'd qualify as an abuser.

You can't pick your parents, that's for sure.

As an Asian I disagree, and your huge generalization is an inappropriate stereotype.

Well, it depends doesn't it. No point generalising either way. I lived in an African, Christian household and it was very controlling, called all sorts. Not even allowed to talk to the opposite sex at a bus stop without getting shitted on

Too much to go into. But that extreme definitely does exist, it's not "just" a stereotype at all.

Thank you @MrsCBY and @Owambe2021 I'm ok now. And now look at it through the lens of my parents thought they were doing their best following their own dysfunctional and abusive childhoods.

I love them very much but want to be a better parent than they were able to be and for my DD to grow up free from shame. I'm sorry so many others have experienced this type of behaviour from their parents too

@GreenClock

JennyDune no it definitely wasn’t normal. Most teens start dating at 14/15, your parents were OTT in not allowing it. And telling you not to have sex until marriage is weird - no one should be that invested in their adult kid’s sex life. Also, ranting about A and B grades was absurd as was the comment about alcohol. They sound as awful as the OP’s parents tbh.

There are literally 100s of millions of people who live in cultures that believe sex before marriage is wrong and it is only a generation ago it was thought the same in Western society, and still is by many. It's not 'weird' for millions to be brought up like this. It's actually the norm.