DH hid meeting female friend

[FlyingHotChocolatr]

NC for this.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, and have a baby. He has a friend, C, who used to be a colleague for several years, until she left. This was before we met.

They were very close when working together, to the point where I would say it was an emotional affair. She was with someone, then engaged and married to him, DH was single the whole time. They did kiss a couple of times but that’s as far as it went, but I suspect if she ended her relationship to be with DH, he would have gone for it. However, this was all 5 plus years ago. They are still friends today, speaking on the phone every few months, and meeting for lunch or drinks every now and then. Hand on heart, I can honestly say their friendship has never concerned me. So whenever he mentioned he was meeting her, I would always “say hi to C for me” and if he spoke to her on the phone, I’d always ask how she is. I’ve met her a couple of times, when they’re out for drinks after work and DH invites me along.

Last week, when DH was in the office, a message popped up on his iPad from her that said “so good to see you, didn’t realise how much I’ve missed you x”. It was just chance that at that moment, his iPad was on the dining table when I was grabbing something from the table and she messaged at that moment. Found it odd but figured DH would mention he met her when he came home. No mention at all. In fact, that particular day he was in a mad rush to get into the office at lunch time, as he was wfh in the morning, and I just assumed he has a meeting.

On the weekend she sent some toys for DS. I still haven’t mentioned her to DH, but this morning I said I’m surprised C posted them rather than want to meet him, as when she had each of her three children, DH went to visit each time. He said “she would have given them in person but we haven’t met yet” and then he quickly and quietly added “over the summer”.

So that to me confirmed he deliberately hid the fact that he met her, rather than an oversight that he forgot to mention. And by adding in “over the summer”, strictly speaking, he didn’t actually lie.

On one hand, I think I’m being sensitive as DH would never do something like that, but on the other hand, I would also think he would never lie to me, so I feel like there’s a reason he hid it. I don’t want to ask DH about it just yet as I want to keep observing the situation.

What would you think about the situation?

Hi everyone,

Apologies for not responding to your messages. The comments were a bit of a shock to the system that I needed to address internally (the point about them essentially being affair partners years ago). I genuinely never questioned their friendship because for me, it was in the past, but there were a number of good points here.

So I looked through his phone yesterday afternoon, when he went to the gym. I’ve never looked at his phone before, so I feel like I’ve committed a big breach of trust, but I needed to do it. I feel much more reassured but need to still speak to him.

They arranged to meet for lunch that morning, which still doesn’t explain why he didn’t tell me in advance. She then sent that message after, and he responded saying “great to catch up and hear about your new job. Let’s get something in the diary with [me] and [C’s husband] and do something together, it’s long overdue”

So I do wonder if something happened on that day, and maybe she said or did something, and he’s trying to make it clear that he’s not interested in anything happening? I don’t know, is that wishful thinking? Despite feeling reassured after seeing that message, the lying is still getting at me.

Her message sounds like perhaps she told him to back off but still wants a friendly relationship with him

So he lied when he said he hadn't met her?

His message to her is very much giving her the brush off, by mentioning you & her dh

He still lied to you though.

Oh sorry HE sent the message

Yes he’s brushing her off

@justgettingonwith

So he lied when he said he hadn't met her?

Yes, he’s definitely lied. Lied by omission by not telling me he was meeting her, and again when he carefully worded not seeing her over summer. That’s what I don’t understand.

* Hand on heart, I can honestly say their friendship has never concerned me.*

Baffled me

They were “very close”.

Had an “emotional affair”
Kissed a few times

I'm sorry OP, but his response sounds really staged. Not only does it spell out why they met and what they talked about, but also that future plans will involve partners. Couldn't be more reassuring could it? And he left it for you to find.

You don't need to understand why he lied.
He lied to you. That's all you need to consider.
It's not like he's lying about a secret present he's bought you, or a little white lie to make someone feel better.
Don't ask him why he lied. Say to him 'you lied to me' ( perhaps adding something about the meeting so he knows what you are referring to). Then be silent and let him speak. If he tries to turn it around and ask you questions, don't answer, remain silent. Pay close attention to what he says, to what he does, and to his body language.

Plus he left his phone whilst he went to the gym?

Op he was hoping you’d read his messages

@lentilsforever

Plus he left his phone whilst he went to the gym?

Op he was hoping you’d read his messages

I doubt that. OP has no history of checking his phone. He also thinks OP has no concerns about the friendship - she has never in the past, why suddenly now? I doubt it would cross his mind. I speak from experience as my ex had set up a dual SIM on his phone yet still used to let me use it knowing full well I wouldn't be looking for that because it wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

@lentilsforever

Plus he left his phone whilst he went to the gym?

Op he was hoping you’d read his messages

I think this too. And I know its upsetting to hear, but I think you need to be very wary. The most advanced and to me worst betrayals are those where they hide in plain sight. If they are having any sort of inappropriate relationship, your H is prepared to use you and her partner meeting as couples as cover. He would sit across a table and socialise with two people he was making fools of. It doesn't get much worse than that.

The message back is reassuring. But perhaps too reassuring? It mentions why they met and also both partners.
How long after hers did he send it?
Did you check his call history to see if he’d called her first? To tell her he’s sending that worded message.
Does he usually leave his phone when he goes to the gym?

I think he knows you know he met her.
Why hasn’t he mentioned it, especially as you asked him outright if he had!

Also if it’s an iPhone check screen time on that day. It shows how many messages notifications have been received. Count how many were actually received to see if it tallies. If it shows more notifications than messages in his actual phone, he’s deleted some.

I think that yes that sent message is reassuring. But the lying he hadn’t met her certainly contradicts that.

I’d be checking his phone again.

If he was having an affair and didn’t know the op knew

No WAY would he not have his phone attached to his side every minute of the day.

So either

He is NOT having an affair
Or
He IS having an affair, knows the OP is suspicious and has craftily left his phone for her to see the message

Whilst I am suspicious about the whole thing, I don’t think the message back is deliberate. I’ve never looked through his phone before, and it was by complete chance I saw the message from her. I was rushing out, needed something on the table which was next to the iPad, and the message popped up on the screen at that very second. I would never have seen it otherwise and would have been none the wiser the whole time. He has no idea I’ve seen it and so no reason to set up a false trail.

I didn’t check what time he responded, but just saw it was all on the same day. I checked his call log and no calls to or from each other, but obviously there is work email too, which I’m conscious of (personal email had nothing). He also never takes his phone to the gym post covid - we live a 2 minute walk away so all he ever takes is water and towel, so he can avoid using the changing room and lockers.

It is the lying that has thrown me off, why lie? Why hide it unless there’s something to hide? Why make out he’s rushing to a work meeting and he’s late, when actually it’s lunch with her?

I know people find it odd their friendship never bothered me before but it really didn’t. The way I saw it was that it all happened before he met me, she was someone he liked and he was desperately single for so long, it gave him attention that he craved, but then we eventually met and got together and she’s just an old friend now. So I never ever cared about her before, but the comments here have made me see it differently, which I now appreciate and see my naivety.

Also, sorry but it doesn't add up. he knew he had a pre arranged lunch date with her. But you say he was rushing around to get into the office for lunchtime. So he didn't even tell you then the reason he was rushing was because he was meeting her for a leisurely catch up! Which was prearranged.
He allowed you to think he had a work meeting.

Who messaged who to arrange the lunch?

I think the only thing that really stands out though is the fact you have no problem at all with the friendship or him having lunch with her. So this does not make sense. He didn't actually want you to know about it.
Which to me can mean only one thing. When you start hiding stuff like this from your partner, it really doesn't look good.

Does he usually leave his phone at home when he goes to the gym?
That’s key

I was rushing out, needed something on the table which was next to the iPad, and the message popped up on the screen at that very second. I would never have seen it otherwise and would have been none the wiser the whole time.
Just checking, does the message then vanish? As my ipad when it gets a notification, it stays on the lock screen until the ipad is opened.

Is tehre a chance it was on the lock screen and he is wondering if you may ahve seen it.

The fact he always leaves his phone though when going to the gym is good. It means its not something he wouldn't ordinarily do.

I think its a tricky one. Like I say everything else points to it being absolutely innnocent.
Apart from the fact he had plenty of opportunities to tell you they had lunch - when rushing out the door to meet her,
when you got the present and he said they hadn't met yet.

he has actively denied meeting her. Or actively avoided telling you.

Do you have any mutuel friends or acquaintances between you and her? Anyone who knows you both. I think you need to ask him, but not in a way that he thinks you've seen a message.

Something like, I bumped into Linda today at the co-op, remember Linda, haven't seen her in ages! Anyway we got chatting and talked about old friends and work and everything and she mentioned that Fiona said she'd met you for lunch the other day. You didn't mention it, how is she? I wonder why she didn't give you the DC gifts then, did she mention she was sending gifts.

And see his reaction. See how comfortable he is talking all about their lunch that yo now know about.

He does always leave his phone at home when he goes to the gym. The gym is at the top of our road, so he doesn’t even take keys with him. He used to take a bag but since covid, he doesn’t want to use the changing room, and the lockers are in the changing room. So he’s always left his phone at home and I’ve never ever peeked.

The message disappears from the locked screen once it’s been read I think. It wasn’t on the screen when I got home an hour later, and I know all his devices are linked, so I think texts come up on both iPad and iPhone, and once it’s been read on either, it’s gone from the screen. So unless he suspects that I read his messages when I don’t, it really was by pure chance that I was next to the iPad when the message came through.

I see what you mean about the message being contrived. I don’t want to say DH isn’t capable of being that manipulative re the phone messages, because I see women on here say the same thing all the time and turns out their husbands are, but I just find it hard to believe. Equally, why hide the whole thing? Why be secretive?

We don’t have mutual friends at all, and as I’m on maternity leave I can’t pretend I’ve bumped into one of his friends or colleagues out and about in the city to use that excuse.

I will bring her up again in a few days, and see how he reacts and whether he says something.

Whatever the outcome

I’m afraid this marriage is dead in the water

Either now, in 2 years or 5 years or beyond

You fundamentally don’t trust him. Dead in the water.

I think his follow-up message (“great to catch up and hear about your new job. Let’s get something in the diary with [me] and [C’s husband] and do something together, it’s long overdue”) sounds like something happened between them at the lunch and he has tried to cool it off (worse option) or she tried to make something happen between them at the lunch and he is warning her off (better option).

It doesn't explain why he lied to you in the first place, but maybe he had an inkling that she fancied him and didn't want to mention it to you in case his nerves showed and you got suspicious?

Nope I wouldn’t have put up with any of the other things that have gone in prior to this either

I wouldn't like the lying but I'd take heart by his message back. I'd have to confront him Op as otherwise it would eat away at me.

I think she tried to kiss him or something - her message seems much more needy and intense than his. He sounds like he's reinforcing that he's with you and she's married in his message.

It would explain why he didn't want to tell you, although he has still lied to your face.

Maybe I'm being too generous towards him but I'd tell him I know he's lied.

It’s still weird that he didn’t tell you.
None of this adds up really does it. Could they have perhaps gone a bit further during meeting up and now your partner is back peddling?

I can’t believe you haven’t spoken to him yet about why he lied.