DH hid meeting female friend

[FlyingHotChocolatr]

NC for this.

DH and I have been together for 5 years, and have a baby. He has a friend, C, who used to be a colleague for several years, until she left. This was before we met.

They were very close when working together, to the point where I would say it was an emotional affair. She was with someone, then engaged and married to him, DH was single the whole time. They did kiss a couple of times but that’s as far as it went, but I suspect if she ended her relationship to be with DH, he would have gone for it. However, this was all 5 plus years ago. They are still friends today, speaking on the phone every few months, and meeting for lunch or drinks every now and then. Hand on heart, I can honestly say their friendship has never concerned me. So whenever he mentioned he was meeting her, I would always “say hi to C for me” and if he spoke to her on the phone, I’d always ask how she is. I’ve met her a couple of times, when they’re out for drinks after work and DH invites me along.

Last week, when DH was in the office, a message popped up on his iPad from her that said “so good to see you, didn’t realise how much I’ve missed you x”. It was just chance that at that moment, his iPad was on the dining table when I was grabbing something from the table and she messaged at that moment. Found it odd but figured DH would mention he met her when he came home. No mention at all. In fact, that particular day he was in a mad rush to get into the office at lunch time, as he was wfh in the morning, and I just assumed he has a meeting.

On the weekend she sent some toys for DS. I still haven’t mentioned her to DH, but this morning I said I’m surprised C posted them rather than want to meet him, as when she had each of her three children, DH went to visit each time. He said “she would have given them in person but we haven’t met yet” and then he quickly and quietly added “over the summer”.

So that to me confirmed he deliberately hid the fact that he met her, rather than an oversight that he forgot to mention. And by adding in “over the summer”, strictly speaking, he didn’t actually lie.

On one hand, I think I’m being sensitive as DH would never do something like that, but on the other hand, I would also think he would never lie to me, so I feel like there’s a reason he hid it. I don’t want to ask DH about it just yet as I want to keep observing the situation.

What would you think about the situation?

I reckon the likelihood is she has split up from her DH and is now after yours. I would keep quiet for now.

I wouldn't have accepted this from the outset. She is not a friend, she is a woman he has feelings for and from whom he has accepted friendship because it doesn't (or didn't) suit her to offer him more. I'm not suggesting men and women can't be friends, but where one has feelings for the other, they shouldn't be. Its not fair on anyone. The only sensible action is detach and distance before someone is hurt, and I would have insisted on that. People will call this controlling, but I call it exercising the right to set boundaries, which your partner can then choose to take or leave. Regardless of why he lied, its brought this to a head now and I would be issuing the ultimatum.

OP I think you know theres a problem here. He lied. Completely lied. No one does that unless there is of course, something to hide. I would suspect it is a flirty emotional affair that would, under the right circumstances, tip over into something else. The message she sent, the lunch itself.. no issue. It's the lie.

You've been more understanding about their friendship than I would ever have been.

Watch him OP x

C

Not much you can do about this situation.

Both of them are un trustworthy.

Do you want either of them in your life.
I personally can't stand liars arround me.

Horrible people with their own selfish agendas.

I can't stand liars. I'd have it out with him and/or have his bags packed. There is no need to snoop around further. He is making you believe he hasn't seen a person he had an emotional affair with in the past. Why is he doing that? Because he's up to no good. The steadying influence of child support, the prospect of having the baby at weekends and the fact that C may not want a long term relationship let alone one that provides accommodation should hopefully flood to the forefront of his mind when you challenge him.

The lying is a problem. You’re not being over sensitive!

I suspect that if she ended her relationship to be with DH, he would have gone for it.

Your H and C were perfectly willing to make a fool of her Partner/Husband for an extended length of time. I don’t see any integrity or empathy there. Now you’re the one being lied to.

This is why relationship counselors strongly advise No Contact after infidelity. These 2 share attraction and emotional intimacy, so an ongoing ‘friendship’ = playing with fire.

H’s moving to clandestine mode and lying to you indicates that he has crossed a line with C. The sooner you tackle this the better. He needs a sharp shock.

Why send the toys that smats of guilt to me as for billy liar I think you already know

The fact you are fine with their friendship and therefore them meeting occasionally makes no sense for him to lie about it.

A PP is right. She was cheating on her BF/Fiancee/DH however long it went on for. He says just a couple of kisses. But really? One kiss, perhaps a stupid mistake, but the mention of a few means I'm afraid there was very likely alot more than just kissing going on.

This is a woman who was happy to cheat on her partner and yours was happy to go along with that. They are still in regular contact. Considering she had an affair with him, surely thats a massive red flag in itself.

This particular meeting though has crossed a line and thats why he isn't mentioning it to you. Because to mention it he'd have to lie to your face about the meeting, telling you it was just a catch up coffee or whatever, and I'm guessing he wants to avoid that in case you see right through him.
The fact you brought up about the toys, he couldn't avoid. But you know he lied.

I would be keeping a very close eye on his behaviour going forward and any rushing out to get the office at lunchtime etc, or working late. Or sudden evenings out with collegues. Being more protective of his phone. Keep an eye out for another phone even.

I'm sorry OP, this really isn't looking good.

I would definitely be wondering why on this occasion he was keeping it quiet when previously he was open about it. Something must have changed.

Sounds very suspicious. To be honest once people are married/ committed I think it's awkward to be meeting up one to one with a friend from the opposite sex, especially where there is a history of attraction between them, like in this case.

Fine if you mix in a group, are colleagues meeting for work purposes or you share a hobby or activity. But otherwise I think there are undertones - often from the man at least. IME men don't invest that much in friendships unless there is something - sport, pub or whatever, to bond them. In this situation, what is there? Former (and probably current) attraction only, apparently.

If he had nothing to hide then he wouldn’t lie about this esspecially since you have never made a point of them meeting before. This would make me suspicious. Sorry op.

@AramintaLee

I would definitely be wondering why on this occasion he was keeping it quiet when previously he was open about it. Something must have changed.

^^ this sums it up quite perfectly

It is very suss that he's now keeping it quiet when previously he's been open about it. I'd ask him fairly mildly how come he didn't say they were meeting and how is she?

I also think she's behaved badly by messaging to say she’s missed him. I can't imagine saying that to my male friends (or female for that matter); but then again that's probably because I've never had an affair, emotional or otherwise, with any of them and so find it perfectly natural and adequate to say something like 'Great to see you, let's not leave it so long next time!'

To be honest once people are married/ committed I think it's awkward to be meeting up one to one with a friend from the opposite sex, especially where there is a history of attraction between them, like in this case.

With a history of attraction, perhaps. Otherwise I think this is twaddle. DP and I have been together over 20 years and both have opposite-sex friends who we meet one-on-one. Nothing untoward has ever happened.

If you can't be honest about what you're doing to you DP you shouldn't be doing it.

"didn’t realise how much I’ve missed youx"

This isnt something I'd even say to my very nearest and dearest girlfriends. At a push I might say "I missed you!" MAYBE, but the "didnt realise" implies a kind of complexity, it's making it sound more heartfelt, it's used for dramatic intent. If they arent up to something, at the very least she is nudging

* Hand on heart, I can honestly say their friendship has never concerned me. *

Bloody hell.
With that history?

so good to see you, didn’t realise how much I’ve missed you x

Like a PP said, I wouldn't send that to anyone I know, even really close girlsfriends.
I think its the 'didn't realise' and the 'I've missed you' part.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but to me thats suggestive. It's certainly not something you'd send to a mate when you've met for a coffee or a sandwich.

@Bookworm20

so good to see you, didn’t realise how much I’ve missed you x

Like a PP said, I wouldn't send that to anyone I know, even really close girlsfriends.
I think its the 'didn't realise' and the 'I've missed you' part.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but to me thats suggestive. It's certainly not something you'd send to a mate when you've met for a coffee or a sandwich.

It means: i haven't seen you as often or in the way you would have wanted for a while, as I've had better things to do. Thats changed for me now and you're back on again! Yay for you! I was relieved when we met to find that you're still there in the background, and will still come running when I want you. And seeing you reminded me how flattering I find your attention. I've also realised that if I'm going to keep you interested I need to throw in more than the odd call and lunch, so expect a bit more of my attention fir a while, and get your story straight for Eva.

Is it possible he just bumped into her in train/coffee shop? I wouldn’t class that as meeting up with someone and maybe that triggered the message and toys as it was unexpected and she didn’t have them with her?

I think you have to ask him and tell him you seen the message and found it weird. Nothing good will come of making a situation up in your head based on little detail.

These situations are difficult and can be so disrespectful to a relationship. Yes there's always going to be other people you can click with of the opposite sex. But you can only have one person as a relationship and I think that unless you are all friends it's actually just not that fair on you.

My boyfriend split from his last relationship in March 2019 and they remained in a sorta friendship. A little different. I met him in September 2020 and started messaging him in November on a more personal level. We've been going out properly now for 5 months and his relationship with his Ex (which he's always defended) has turned a little bit jealous. She didn't like him getting to know me and has sent a few messages questioning him on women on his Facebook and saying she doesn't really trust me. We almost broke up over it a few weeks ago but we had a big talk instead. He has since blocked her on Facebook but she still has messaged him to ask why. He's not mentioned anymore to me so I have no idea if the block is temporary.

I don't think my boyfriend wants her back. I don't believe he would drop me and choose her. But I have found it very tricky as I've always been able to see there's some emotional ties with them and he thinks I'm presuming the worst. That he will cheat on me with her. That's never been my suspicions. But I've struggled to understand why he's not prepared to stop the Communication for his current relationship to work. They always knew what the other was doing and it just seemed bizarre in the end.

Sorry to waffle on. But thus situation is selfish. They are not including you. They've had feelings in the past. They've kissed. Why should you feel comfortable with it?

Bet he went to work freshly shaved, aftershaved, and in his best office clothes

Have you spoken to your H yet, OP?