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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be ok with this? Am I just too much?!

56 replies

TidstIsADay · 10/11/2021 11:31

To be totally clear, he’s NOT in a relationship with anyone or married, we spend nearly every night together and he’s not sex obsessed. These things are bothering me though…

Nine months in and:

he’s not mentioned me to colleagues (says he likes to keep personal things separate to work)

I haven’t met his family as they are far away (4 hours) even though he’s seen them a few times since we’ve been together

Not mentioned me to friends because he wants to tell them in person and he’s not seen his close friends in a long time due to covid and work (they all work in different cities but I feel like he could have mentioned it in text?!)

No interest in meeting my family though he does ask about them

He’s got a contract ending with work soon, which means he could be relocating to any of a few areas. When I asked where we fit into that if we are still together he just said that he assumed it would be fine wherever because I work from home. But I just sense he’s not considered me in it at all.

The other night he was telling me that Bruges was an amazing place to go to, lots of detail and then said ‘if you ever get chance to go make sure you do.’ I thought this was a strange thing to say, almost something you’d say to a distant friend or colleague or acquaintance. I can’t explain exactly why I found it odd but I did…

He often says things like ‘I’m looking forward to getting a house with x y or z in it.’ As if it’s his own objective and no hint that that could be our objective. Obviously it’s too soon for us to be buying a house or anything but I’ve never had a relationship where someone is so distinctly separate about things with me.

Would these things bother you? He’s quite sincere and quiet and I don’t think he’s doing anything with any ulterior motive but I often feel upset and confused by his behaviour. Is this thing usual?

OP posts:

LaBellina · 10/11/2021 11:36

Hmmm, 9 months in is not a very long time, so not meeting family wouldn’t bother me YET but the Bruges mentioning and not seeming to consider a future with you at all, definitely would. I would say trust your gut feeling here, you sense that he isn’t 100% committed to you. I would probably throw this one back into the sea because you deserve more then this half hearted attitude.

Original poster

TidstIsADay · 10/11/2021 11:40

@LaBellina

@LaBellina I often feel very uneasy about how he sees a future. It’s hard to explain but comments like that just make me feel like I am on the outskirts of his life.

OP posts:

Kuachui · 10/11/2021 11:42

it's wierd, almost like he doesnt see you lasting long term, surely the boliday thing would be " we should og if we ever get the chance"

or " When i buy a house i would like to have a blah blah in it"

but hes made it completely one sided like your not even a possibility

LaBellina · 10/11/2021 11:42

It’s giving you the ick because you sense he isn’t serious about the future. I think you deserve better.

Original poster

TidstIsADay · 10/11/2021 11:45

@Kuachui

it's wierd, almost like he doesnt see you lasting long term, surely the boliday thing would be " we should og if we ever get the chance"

or " When i buy a house i would like to have a blah blah in it"

but hes made it completely one sided like your not even a possibility

@Kuachui yeah it made me feel really weird! I didn’t say anything but it has bothered me, especially given everything else.

OP posts:

Zenithbear · 10/11/2021 11:46

I'd move on. My dp couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends, a bit later for his family. The house and travel comments are indications that he does not see you as long term imo.
Don't be a stepping stone /distraction. Dump him.

SickAndTiredAgain · 10/11/2021 11:48

The colleague thing wouldn’t bother me, I don’t even know how you know that. The meeting the family also wouldn’t bother me.

But yes in general it does sound like he just doesn’t see a shared future.

Anordinarymum · 10/11/2021 11:51

Is he staying at your house?
Does he contribute to bills?

LemonTT · 10/11/2021 11:54

I would try to assess whether his workplace relocations coincide with the start and end of relationships.

At 9 months people are usually in or approaching the stage of committing to long term. He seems content with having a girlfriend long term or not, whatever the case may be.

His life is centred on his job not you.

XiCi · 10/11/2021 11:55

Not mentioning you to friends and you not meeting any of his friends in 9 months seems really odd to me. And yes, the way he worded the Bruges thing to you it's as if he doesnt see you doing things like that together. Sounds like he's just 'making do' with you tbh.

Dropcloth · 10/11/2021 11:56

Have you posted about him before, OP? It sounds very familiar.

thenewduchessofhastings · 10/11/2021 12:11

I don't like saying this but your relationship doesn't have a future,he's not invested in it at;with the way the set up is he'll drop you like a hot potato,move away and ghost you.There's no messy loose ends to tie up if you're not involved with each other's friends and family and as his colleagues don't know about you there's no awkward questions to answer when he's looking to move to another post.

On the other hand he's got you dangling on a hook desperately wanting him to take you off it and make you a permanent feature in his life.

He sounds like abit of a narcissist arsehole;no woman deserves to be treated the way you have been.Ditch him and find yourself who's proud to have you in their life.

backtolifebacktoreality · 10/11/2021 12:13

When my son met his girlfriend (now wife), he wanted to tell his friends and family about her!

Original poster

TidstIsADay · 10/11/2021 12:16

He’s quite reserved so I don’t think he’s not told people intentionally but as time has gone on it’s bothered me and I’m not usually an insecure person..I feel like it’s raising insecurities I wouldn’t normally have.

OP posts:

Cas112 · 10/11/2021 12:18

It sounds as if he doesn't yet see this as a serious relationship.

hibye123 · 10/11/2021 12:18

Why does he need to talk about you to his colleagues lol

Gilda152 · 10/11/2021 12:31

This is the most blatant example I've seen on here of the signs being there from the outset. He is giving you every indication that he doesn't envision a future life with you and luckily for you, he's giving these signs only a few months into a relationship so it gives you every opportunity to get out of it before you're in too deep, if in fact you want to be with someone you want to make a life with.

Most of us, will ignore the actions and if they say the right thing we'll hang on that, despite knowing full well it's the actions that count. His actions say you are not part of his life, any further than four walls.

You're better than that and any more time you spend with him, is time that could be spent being free to find someone more suited. It's not going to change and you're going to feel increasingly resentful at being hidden from the people he cares about. There's nothing wrong with him and when he meets his right fit he will introduce her really quickly, he's just not your other half. Don't let him use you as a placeholder.

teahelpseverything · 10/11/2021 12:35

Those things would bother me. I'm
8 months into a relationship with someone who is also quiet and reserved and quite a private person who has not had long term relationships (or indeed many relationships at all) in the past however we've met each other's families, his friends know about me and I've met some of them (and vice versa), we've talked about our long term goals together - that while it is still relatively early days we're both thinking long term/marriage etc if all works out well. When he was looking at changing jobs recently we discussed locations and he chose not to apply for jobs abroad because he didn't want a long distance relationship.

I think by this stage in a relationship, particularly where you spend a lot of time together, then you know whether there is potential for a future together and part of that is getting to know each other's families and friends and making some medium term plans - eg holidays, locations for work etc.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about whether he sees a future for you both and how he sees that - and then take it from there.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/11/2021 12:41

Sorry, he's there for a good time, not a long time. I think he's, not so subtly, keeping you aware that this "relationship" is not for the long haul. I don't think he's wanting a future with you.

Anordinarymum · 10/11/2021 12:42

So you spend nearly every night together at yours?

Hawtain86 · 10/11/2021 12:45

He doesn't seem that interested by the sounds of it your not in his future.

I think you need to have a good talk to him and see if he includes you in any future plans otherwise I think you're wasting your time.

BreadPita · 10/11/2021 12:46

Me and most of my friends are genuinely quite socially private people.
I would never mention having a partner to colleagues (my personal life is none of their business) and I would only mention it to friends and family if it came up in conversation (I'm not close to my family at all).
I met up with one of my closest friends a few weeks ago and they asked if I minded him bringing someone along. It turned out to be their girlfriend of over a year. We had met up during the interim, she just hadn't come up in conversation.
If he really is the type of person you describe, the only thing is that would actually give me pause is the relocation an holidays, but that's age dependent.
In my early 20s I wasn't even thinking about marriage and I didn't have the spare cash to be taking couples holidays.

PlausibleSuit · 10/11/2021 12:52

He’s got a contract ending with work soon, which means he could be relocating to any of a few areas.

This bit jumped out at me.

I have a friend who works mid- to long-term contract jobs like this. He'll get work somewhere recently it was Belfast for a year, and now he's gone to Seattle for 18 months and he just ups and moves where the work is.

People who work like this tend to keep their lives extremely compartmentalised IME. My friend is highly independent and very self-sufficient. He's struggled to form relationships, partly because he doesn't really have a fixed base, and partly because he struggles to let anyone else in. There's an emotional closed-offness to him. I can 100% picture him making the Bruges comment to a guy (he's gay) he'd been dating for several months! Not for any reason other than his life set-up is very solo and he doesn't quite know how to let someone in.

It's tricky because although there's not necessarily any malicious reason to be kept at a distance, nevertheless, you are being kept in a compartment at an emotional level.

losingitoverdecaf · 10/11/2021 12:54

You deserve better

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/11/2021 12:55

@hibye123

Why does he need to talk about you to his colleagues lol

He doesn't need to but don't most people, in general conversation? Talking about what you did at the weekend, what you did last night etc., seems weird that he'd deliberately NOT mention her

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