Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you be ok with this? Am I just too much?!

56 replies

TidstIsADay · 10/11/2021 11:31

To be totally clear, he’s NOT in a relationship with anyone or married, we spend nearly every night together and he’s not sex obsessed. These things are bothering me though…

Nine months in and:

he’s not mentioned me to colleagues (says he likes to keep personal things separate to work)

I haven’t met his family as they are far away (4 hours) even though he’s seen them a few times since we’ve been together

Not mentioned me to friends because he wants to tell them in person and he’s not seen his close friends in a long time due to covid and work (they all work in different cities but I feel like he could have mentioned it in text?!)

No interest in meeting my family though he does ask about them

He’s got a contract ending with work soon, which means he could be relocating to any of a few areas. When I asked where we fit into that if we are still together he just said that he assumed it would be fine wherever because I work from home. But I just sense he’s not considered me in it at all.

The other night he was telling me that Bruges was an amazing place to go to, lots of detail and then said ‘if you ever get chance to go make sure you do.’ I thought this was a strange thing to say, almost something you’d say to a distant friend or colleague or acquaintance. I can’t explain exactly why I found it odd but I did…

He often says things like ‘I’m looking forward to getting a house with x y or z in it.’ As if it’s his own objective and no hint that that could be our objective. Obviously it’s too soon for us to be buying a house or anything but I’ve never had a relationship where someone is so distinctly separate about things with me.

Would these things bother you? He’s quite sincere and quiet and I don’t think he’s doing anything with any ulterior motive but I often feel upset and confused by his behaviour. Is this thing usual?

OP posts:

charliebear78 · 10/11/2021 13:01

Some things probably wouldn't bother me much..although usually by now you would have met each others friends and family.
The holiday and the fact he could be moving elsewhere shortly need addressing if you are to stay together.
Talk to him and find out where you stand longterm.

RaininSummer · 10/11/2021 13:06

Not sure how old you both are but I think with that sort of work, he probably deliberately avoids getting too involved as he can just start again each time. May be different if he is actively seeking to settle down but it doesn't sound like it although I don''t think 9 months is that long really if his family aren't nearby.

Pumpkinsonparade · 10/11/2021 13:08

You are Mrs Right Now.
Not his Mrs Right.

mewkins · 10/11/2021 13:09

He likes the idea of a relationship but has no intention of making any changes to his life to accommodate another person. If you want to carry on with this, call him out on it. When he says this stuff ask him if he has considered his future with you because he seems very 'I' focused.

VirgilStarkwell · 10/11/2021 13:13

You’ve posted about him before haven’t you?

Things are not going to improve. I would dump him.

supremelybaffled · 10/11/2021 13:18

@TidstIsADay

To be totally clear, he’s NOT in a relationship with anyone or married, we spend nearly every night together and he’s not sex obsessed. These things are bothering me though…

Nine months in and:

he’s not mentioned me to colleagues (says he likes to keep personal things separate to work)

I haven’t met his family as they are far away (4 hours) even though he’s seen them a few times since we’ve been together

No interest in meeting my family though he does ask about them

we spend nearly every night together

At his, or yours?

If it is at yours, are you quite sure he isn't treating you as some sort of flatmate or landlady? He certainly doesn't seem to view you as a couple.

hibye123 · 10/11/2021 13:23

@TinnedPotatoesRock not everyone wants to share/overshare when it comes to work colleagues. I never speak about those things with colleagues because I'm genuinely not interested in sharing my personal life with them.

Not mentioning your partner to your friends is somewhat strange, not mentioning your partner to your colleagues isn't strange at all. Depends on the person tbh

MilduraS · 10/11/2021 13:24

My family didn't know about my DH until well over a year after we got together. My mum and dad met him for the first time the night before we moved in together (they were looking after our cats) which was about 2 years later. He met my sister and BIL (who live overseas) probably at 3 years. In the meantime I'd met just about everybody in his life within the first 6 months.

I didn't have anything to hide but I just rarely introduced my boyfriends to family. If there had been an event where I could have taken him I probably would but I'm not the type to make arrangements to visit so they can meet someone. I'd find it all very awkward.

Keke94LND · 10/11/2021 13:28

I think you might be dating my ex lol

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/11/2021 13:30

I absolutely HATE meeting partners friends and family. I am not a social person and I find meeting new people very difficult. (The absolute worst is when I put my hand out to shake and then they go in for a hug 😒) But when I've been serious about someone, I've made the effort, because it's important to my partner.

Adding on the relocation and the Bruges comment (and yes it's striking) - I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he envisages a future with you. A PP mentioned about people who relocate a lot often compartmentalise and this is very true. I have moved around a lot over the years and I do tend to avoid parts of my life interacting.

bubblebath62636 · 10/11/2021 13:31

He's not that into you

tiredanddangerous · 10/11/2021 13:34

It looks like he doesn't see this as a long term relationship op, sorry

HeartsAndClubs · 10/11/2021 13:36

This is just a casual relationship for him.

TBH I wouldn’t even bother having a discussion about the future. It’s very clear he doesn’t see one, and really, if you try and push things of course he’ll say he thinks about a future, because it’s what you want to hear and what he needs to stay so you’ll keep him around until he’s ready to move on.

At this point I’d just say that I was after something more and as it’s clear that we’re not in the same space I think the relationship has run its course.

harriethoyle · 10/11/2021 13:39

Trust your gut OP - I don't think he sees this as serious. I met my now DH parents after 3 months and we lived in different countries so the distance is a red herring...

FlaggRF · 10/11/2021 13:41

I'm sure you've posted this before.

sunnyzweibrucken · 10/11/2021 13:43

I used to be like this with my ex. I would make statements about my future in a way that didn't include him. I didn't really think about it but now that I do, I realize that I really didn't picture him a part of it as I just didn't like him like that to do so. So it sounds like he's into you right now but maybe not for the future.

HeyupitsChristmas · 10/11/2021 14:00

The Bruges comment I'd find really strange - and I agree its coming across as if you are "Miss Alright for Now" as opposed to Miss Right.

My DH met my immediate family around 4 months after we started seeing each other, with extended family and friends it just happened natually when we saw them.

However...My dsis was out with her boyfriend and they bumped into some close friends of his. They were surprised to meet her, and even more surprised that she was about 8 months pregnant.
Apparently it hadn't crossed his mind to mention her to anyone as he didn't think it was important. He's not a total knob, just incredibly private and doesn't share anything that's personal.

If you don't want to feel like a secret then either have a discussion and see where your relationship is heading or go your separate ways. I suspect you know the outcome already.

5128gap · 10/11/2021 14:13

He could be cautious, not wanting to tell people until he is more sure it has a future. If he is reserved he might not want his friends and family to make a big deal of it. He may not want to be thought presumptuous by talking in terms of future holidays, homes and so on. You need to ask him. If you're close enough to be thinking of him in terms of the long haul, then you should be able to question him on these things.

Graphista · 11/11/2021 05:19

At the very least...

He's just not that into you

But I can also see why you said he's not married - entirely possible he is or in an otherwise committed relationship

The workplace moves...you've tried to be vague but is he with the military or civil service or similar ?

Very common for the people in those professions to have multiple not completely serious things going on in more than one place and/or for those working in them to "overlap" their relationships

MyOtherProfile · 11/11/2021 05:30

Have you told people about the relationship? Has he met your friends?
I find it odd he hasn't seen his friends face to face - lockdown ended a long time ago.

Yusanaim · 11/11/2021 05:39

It sounds like he isn't ready to make the marriage, DCs, long term commitment. How old are you both?

MimiDaisy11 · 11/11/2021 05:43

In early relationships I was cautious about saying we should visit x and y in the future. So I might have clumsily said something about how they should go there if they get a chance rather than talking about us.

That said I can understand how all the things together appear like he’s not seeing a future and it could be the case.

LemonViolet · 11/11/2021 06:04

I had an ex who was a bit like this, but he was autistic and just really struggled with social awareness, would have easily said stuff like that about holidays and houses without any clue how it excluding it sounded to me as his partner. It wasn’t deliberately malicious, but it was selfish, he just didn’t naturally consider my feelings/thoughts/desires outside of how they directly impacted on him. Never asked how my day at work was etc as it wasn’t interesting to him. The relationship was very hard work on my part, probably on his too to be fair, and clearly he is an ex! I did feel bad because those behaviours were “who he was”, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have a choice whether to put up with them or not!

Just a possibility. But it doesn’t really matter why he behaves like this. You can’t change him. Only decide whether this is what you want from a partner.

JustKittenAround · 11/11/2021 06:07

I want to mention just because he isn’t that I to you doesn’t mean you’re any less of a catch.

He might soon become Mr Obsessed once you move on .

You need to think about yourself. Do you want to live a life where another person always calls the shots? Shouldn’t you be be chased a bit? Meant to feel important?

No he ain’t that into you, and if you try to win him over it will be worse. My advice is to be into yourself. You’re a catch and I am going to bet a fresh Maine Lobster dinner that you’re out of his league.

You can confront him and be lied to. After that, go dark. Give him the space to miss you. Not that you should notice, on to the next!

Wiredforsound · 11/11/2021 06:39

He sounds like a compartmentalizer. He puts his life in compartments - family, friends, work, House, you…It’s not what you want and I can understand why. I’d just move on and look for someone who will be proud to build a life with you.

Flip

1 2 3