Hate the way my husband speaks to me

[Becka09009]

I’ve been married for 5 years ...my husband has always been a lot more curt / blunt than me. I hate confrontation, I’m very sensitive and empathetic..probably overly sensitive sometimes and that’s where we clash. However despite me being quite sensitive I do think my husband sometimes crossed a line by anyone’s standards in the way he speaks to me.

He doesn’t do it all the time...and is generally quite considerate and nice the rest of the time. He does his fair share of cleaning and parenting our daughter..probably not 50/50 but more than a lot of my friends partners do. He’s hands on compared to the average guy I think.

He has this habit though of getting annoyed very easily and being overly aggressive and rude which usually seems to be a disproportionate reaction to the situation. He then speaks to me really aggressively...and yeah we all snap a little bit but he won’t back down or apologise or does one of those ‘I’m sorry but I swore at you because you did xyz’ as if it’s justified.

So tonight for example..he’s having some friends round to play this role play board game they play. He was setting things up in the kitchen and put this mat down on the kitchen island..I went to get my daughter some juice out the fridge so rested her sippy cup on the mat as it totally covered the island. He screamed at me ‘get that fucking cup off my mat it’s really expensive’ I said don’t speak to me like that he said what is he supposed to do when I disrespect his things and do stupid things. I asked for an apology, he said ‘where’s my apology’ for putting the cup down. Earlier today he shouted at me repeatedly for using the wrong door in front of the Tesco delivery man (I went to the door the man was at!) ...I’m 8 months pregnant and still had to ask him to come help me lift the crates rather than shouting at me from the living room. It was so embarrassing I made a joke about him being grumpy to the delivery guy but he didn’t look impressed.

It’s just little things but he really flys off the handle. He also speaks to his mum like this (she came to visit recently) I called him out for it in front of her as he’s awful and speaks to her like she’s stupid. She never stands up to him but tells me she doesn’t like it and always gives me a look.

He’s in total denial that it’s an issue...or the only time he has apologised slightly more genuinely is when I made him go stay in a hotel for screaming at me about something trivial and threatened to leave him.

He’s speaking to me like this in front of our daughter who was upset tonight (she’s 2) and I’m so worried he’s going to do this to her when she’s older as kids make clumsy mistakes and mess things up all the time! He just has no patience at all and also worried about the example I’m setting putting up with this.

My mums thinks I’m crazy and thinks he’s sweetness and light as he never does this around her...my friends have seen it and commented on it.
You wouldn’t know it to meet him thats why I wonder if I’m being over sensitive but i hear how wrong it is when he does it to his mum.

Don’t know what to do I feel like I can’t do much about it at 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old. It’s the fact he doesn’t even apologise properly that doesn’t give me any hope of it improving

Thank you for the replies everyone..I’ve woken up feeling really low about this I think because it’s dawned on me how bad it’s gotten. It’s happened so gradually I don’t think I’ve realised how wrong it is until I’ve written it down. It was even worse in my first pregnancy and actually called me a c**t in the middle of a shopping centre. I stormed out and drove him home with the car and left him there! There are also alarm bells with the way he can be with my daughter that make me very concerned about the future..he can be great with her while she’s being ‘good’ / easy but if she’s teething or having a normal tantrum for her age he has no patience...a couple of times he’s mimicked her when she’s been crying / winging and I told him to stop straight away. He’s also stormed off and said she’s ‘being ridiculous’ when having tantrums in the park etc and weve had endless arguments over him wanting me to leave her to cry it out because of sleep issues, he just seems to lack a basic level of empathy. We cosleep half the night and he hates it but I’m in no rush to have the bed to ourselves!

The family business is owned by my step dad..my husband joined the company a couple of years ago and left his job. I wouldn’t push him out as I think work needs to be treated separately but it means we’re going to have lots of contact as colleagues and co-parents.

Last night he agreed to try therapy and admitted he has a problem with getting really angry about small things and he doesn’t know why. But as usual...it was me that had to make the effort to talk to him and resolve the issue so I don’t feel reassured that he’s even particularly sorry. I feel detached this morning and like I’ve really had enough.

I need to make an exit plan and get finances and childcare sorted in my head. We saved up for my maternity leave plus a bit of government maternity allowance and I have that money now at least. I’ve given him the impression he has one last chance but I know he’ll do it again so I just need to get things ready in the meantime so I feel more confident. I don’t know if it’s verbal abuse or he’s just a horrible person but I’ve had enough.

OP,

You know well that this is very wrong.

Look up the "boiling frog analogy".

That is you.

He has been abusing you for a long time.

He is not owed a job if it suits you better that he is booted out.

Please don't have great loyalty to a man that is abusing a baby than to an innocent baby.

Tell your GP the truth.

If you feel you can't or too embarrassed, you are protecting him KNOWING that the GP will be rightly appalled.

He will not get better.

He is not a good man.

No decent man screams Cxxt at any woman.

Abusive scum does.
Nasty thugs do.

That is who you're married to.

He is abusing a baby.

You know he is committing a crime by doing so.

Ring Women's aid.

Do not minimise what he is doing to his child and you.

Let him organise therapy, you organise yourself.

I think you should ask HIM to leave.

I'm with @AnyFucker... similar childhood here, though they did divorce eventually for other reasons. His fundamental attitude to other people is one of superiority. He talks to you like crap in front of your child. That is an absolutely terrible legacy to leave a child.

I’ve been through this OP. He needs therapy on his own. Not with you involved. You’re not the problem. He needs to commit to weekly therapy with someone who is trained in anger management. Find him the therapist because he won’t. He’s incapable of action. At least in 6 months when he erupts again you can walk away knowing you’ve tried everything with little regret. Google “counselling anger” plus the name of your town/county. Email half a dozen. Set the first appointment for him and then tell him when it’s happening. If he refuses you have your answer. You engage the counsellor and tell them he has explosive outbursts and you are on the verge of divorcing him so the counsellor knows what to expect. Also educate yourself on him. Google explosive personality disorder

Just saw your update about the job situation. Why are you being so nice about this? It sounds like your family are only tolerating him as an employee to help you. You said in an earlier post that clients have refused to work with him. That would be the end of your employment in most jobs.

I think you'll find that if you take steps to leave him, the job situation will be resolved fairly quickly - due to his own behaviour.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373921

I think you are right to make an exit plan. If he wants to change his behaviour and get therapy etc, he can do that. It is not for you to manage. At the moment, staying with him and enduring these regular verbal assaults is enabling his AWFUL behaviour. You deserve better.

What sort of support do you have?

This is very similar to my current situation. Partner first snapped at me angrily 2 days after I came out of hospital with baby for not opening the pram correctly. I was in a complete daze and exhausted yet he thought it was fine to shout at me in the street. Since then he has flown off the handle at something really innocent I have said- picking me up on it and questioning why I said what I said, why I used those particular words (which I didn't- he was gaslighting me), telling me I have 'no $%#&in balls', that my reason for having baby food pouches in the house was 'pathetic' and that I 'make myself out to be a 'victim'. He also yelled at me saying 'I wasn't &#*£in 10' for having missed one of my contraceptive pills as I was feeding baby at the time. He also criticised the time of day I took the pill. Oh, and the order I put vegetables in a stir-fry and how I chop tomatoes. It's been horrible. All while I am on mat leave looking after baby (he doesn't do anything for her). On each of these occasions he really upset me and I told him not to speak to me like that again.
Things came to a head last week when I said I had had enough. He twists everything I say and makes me feel small, stupid and like I am walking on eggshells in my own home (we live in my house). He is still here while he finds somewhere else. But I feel relief that I ended it. I tried really hard because of baby and wanting to do right by her but I could not justify his aggressive behaviour towards me and what message that will give our daughter as she grows up. He also drinks far too much too and the sound of cans opening every night is unbearable.
My advice would be to seriously think if this is an atmosphere and environment you want you and your children to live in. Do you feel safe, relaxed, supported, loved?
For me it's just been one long battle and I cannot wait for him to leave so I can relax again.
All the best x

A poster on another thread, who is having issues with her dh, said to him 'remember this point in time, so when I leave you, you can't be surprised, I've told you I'm at my wits end, this really is our last chance' or words to that effect. I thought she summed it up brilliantly

@ScaredOfDinosaurs with the job situation it’s not so much that I’m being nice, I just don’t want him to turn nasty over things like childcare arrangements. I’m hoping he won’t go for 50/50 and would rather be seen to be being reasonable so he doesn’t start lashing out to hurt me. I’m hoping he would leave of his own choice because he’d feel uncomfortable but at least wouldn’t blame it on me

@Jastree

This is very similar to my current situation. Partner first snapped at me angrily 2 days after I came out of hospital with baby for not opening the pram correctly. I was in a complete daze and exhausted yet he thought it was fine to shout at me in the street. Since then he has flown off the handle at something really innocent I have said- picking me up on it and questioning why I said what I said, why I used those particular words (which I didn't- he was gaslighting me), telling me I have 'no $%#&in balls', that my reason for having baby food pouches in the house was 'pathetic' and that I 'make myself out to be a 'victim'. He also yelled at me saying 'I wasn't &#*£in 10' for having missed one of my contraceptive pills as I was feeding baby at the time. He also criticised the time of day I took the pill. Oh, and the order I put vegetables in a stir-fry and how I chop tomatoes. It's been horrible. All while I am on mat leave looking after baby (he doesn't do anything for her). On each of these occasions he really upset me and I told him not to speak to me like that again. Things came to a head last week when I said I had had enough. He twists everything I say and makes me feel small, stupid and like I am walking on eggshells in my own home (we live in my house). He is still here while he finds somewhere else. But I feel relief that I ended it. I tried really hard because of baby and wanting to do right by her but I could not justify his aggressive behaviour towards me and what message that will give our daughter as she grows up. He also drinks far too much too and the sound of cans opening every night is unbearable. My advice would be to seriously think if this is an atmosphere and environment you want you and your children to live in. Do you feel safe, relaxed, supported, loved? For me it's just been one long battle and I cannot wait for him to leave so I can relax again. All the best x

In YOUR house?

Call the police and have him removed.

You owe him NOTHING.

Tell the police you are afraid of him and you have a young baby.

They WILL remove him.

You do not owe that thug a home.

Get him out.

You can’t manage his response, op. Appeasing him will not work, he will use it against you.

All you can do is plan for what is best for you and dc. After that, he is a grown man and must sort his own life out.

[quote Becka09009]@ScaredOfDinosaurs with the job situation it’s not so much that I’m being nice, I just don’t want him to turn nasty over things like childcare arrangements. I’m hoping he won’t go for 50/50 and would rather be seen to be being reasonable so he doesn’t start lashing out to hurt me. I’m hoping he would leave of his own choice because he’d feel uncomfortable but at least wouldn’t blame it on me[/quote]
OP,

You are afraid of him.

Please try and help yourself.

Tell the GP tge truth of how he is abusive to you and your baby.

Create a paper trail.

Ring 101 and ask for a marker to be put on your address as you are afraid of your husband that is abusing you and your baby.

This is a paper trail which will help you stop him having unsupervised access.

Tell how he screams and scares the baby.

You can help yourself.

Please help yourself.

I went through this temporarily when my DH was on a loooong course of steroids for his health condition. He became nasty, verbally abusive and so short tempered that a simple thing like leaving the kitchen light on sent him into an absolute frothing mess. Luckily for me I knew that this was a side effect of his meds and that when it was over he wouldn’t be like that anymore, but it went on for weeks and it was the worst couple of months of our marriage. I recorded him once when we were putting shopping away and he was yelling at me like a sgt major I believe my crime was to put the vinegar in the pantry rather than the food cupboard.. 🙄 I played him the recording and he was mortified. And attempted to control his emotions a little better (sometimes worked, sometimes not) DO NOT RECORD YOUR DH. I was well aware that my DH was influenced by something he had no control over. Your H is influenced by being an abusive bullying asshat of a man. If I felt that it was a permanent way of life I would be sussing out escape routes and planning a future for myself and my children as far away from him as possible. Good luck. You deserve better. 💐

“Men have a tendency to treat you worse when pregnant because they think they have you so to speak and you will never leave them.”

As a pregnant woman whose husband is literally running around after me like I am the queen, this is such a sad and shocking thing to read.
I wish OP and all you other ladies who have accidentally ended up with a nasty bully the strength and confidence to leave.
Nobody should be treating you like this. Nobody.

OP what you are describing sounds so like my ex.

Appeasing him will not work, and him promising therapy is a sop to make you back down. He won't do it and if he does it will not work.

Read Lundy Bancroft's " Why does he do that" I bet you will see your partner over and over in those pages.

Men like him care only for themselves, it's how they are wired. Buckle up, short term pain for long term gain. It will be worth it.

that’s reassuring that at least he’s better with your daughter...it shows they can do it!

No, OP, I think you've missed the point, understandably, because of the domestic abuse fog you're in.

The point a woman OUTSIDE of such a situation will recognise isn't that he can be good, it's that he is in fact choosing to treat you badly.

This is what a domestic abuser is, OP, and they never change. They can choose to pretend to be decent ... but it never lasts for they hold all women in contempt, more particularly the women closest to them.

He is intentionally mentally abusing you and he will carry on with zero remorse until he grinds you down to dust. He will almost certainly do the same with the children, but if you separate at least they will have their time with you as a place and an example of safety, love and peace.

Get rid. He’s a wanker. If YOUR family own the business then it isn’t awkward for YOU. Fuck him. Hopefully your SF will sack him if clients are saying they won’t work with him.

He won’t go for 50/50 - courts won’t give it for a newborn anyway. I’d start keeping a diary of how he’s reacted to your DC so a court can see what a bullying prick he is.
Use a work laptop/phone that he can’t have access to.

I’ve seen blokes like this where I work; a man with his wife and child marched up to me and shouted loudly “Are you going to open this gate for me or not?” I looked him dead in the eyes and said “Not”. His wife looked at me like she couldn’t believe I dared to say that and ask that he follow the correct procedure like everyone else. I wanted to tell her, that she might feel like she has to put up with it, but she doesn’t and I won’t.

Oh, there’s lots of them too. Just the other week a man was screaming and shouting at me one evening. When he returned the next day and I had two large blokes as colleagues, he took one look and turned round and went the other way.

I'm glad you are going to make plans to leave. You and your DC deserve so much better than this shit.

Regarding the job - attempting to keep him sweet won't do you any favours. This is not a reasonable, normal man. He is a bully and he will see anything you do for his benefit as a weakness that can be exploited.

I would tell your step dad that you are going to split up and let him make any decisions about his continued employment. Word of caution - the right not to be unfairly dismissed starts at 2 years, so if he's over that length of service your step dad needs to make sure proper, official steps are taken toward dismissal. (If he's been rude enough that clients are refusing to work with him, it's probably safe to go straight for gross misconduct and a dismissal, but it has to go through formal disciplinary procedure.) If he's under 2 years he can just be let go.

Do you yourself enjoy working there? I have worked with a partner before and I wouldn't do it again. Most large companies I've worked in have had a policy on staff relationships (romantic or family) - if they're non-management then they need to be in different teams, and if one or both are management they need to be in different departments. So if I was in your shoes, unless it was my dream job and I was on a great progression track, I'd be looking for something else.

Keep your powder dry. Clear your browser history or use incognito mode. Change your phone pass code if he knows it. He may well sense your attitude has shifted. Don't be surprised if he starts accusing you of cheating on him - that will be an attempt to get you on the defensive. He may also become Superhusband-and-dad for a short period. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he's finally seen the light. He hasn't. He's realised he might be about to lose his punchbag, and he's reeling you back in. Don't fall for it.

You can do this - you are stronger than you know.

Well if he kicks off at work he is risking getting the sack which is on him not you.

@Becka09009 many of the posters on here said exactly the same to me a few weeks ago...my situation is very similar to yours except I'm not expecting and DS is six.

I asked DH to leave a couple of weeks ago, cue unending sobbing and a dramatic suicide threat before he realised I really was serious and had had ENOUGH.

He is now elsewhere and I am making plans for a future without him. I won't say it's easy but it's a lot easier than imagining the rest of my life, and DS's life, spent trying not to upset him.

It's hard to hold on to the fact that his behaviour is abusive, I keep wondering if I am over-reacting, or being too sensitive, or even if I imagined it all. And then I remember some of the individual incidents like you are doing, and I know that this mess is not of my making, I haven't even contributed to it...

I am also worried about childcare, having to share DS 50/50 would be awful, so I too am appearing to be helpful whilst getting my ducks lined up...

All the very best, you can do this, I'm just so sorry that we're having to

Why did you marry him ???

[quote nocnoc]www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373921[/quote]
This is interesting but doesn't go into the psychology of it.
Just Google narcissistic rage and the dark triad

@Becka09009

It’s just a nightmare to get out of as we work for the same family business and I can’t be dealing with all this while I’ve got a newborn and toddler to juggle ..but at the same time I can’t be dealing with him when I’ve got the two kids to juggle and care for. I hate him doing that in front of her..he didn’t even seem phased by the fact It was upsetting her I thought he’d at least stop it for that reason. He’s now blanked me, this is what he does just gives silent treatment when I stand up to him. My mum used to do this to me when I was a kid so definitely see how kids end up following similar patterns...when I’ve mentioned the way he’s been speaking to me during the pregnancy all she had to say was ‘it’s wrong but let it play out as not exactly the best time’ ...wtf does let it play out mean. Just put up with it

Whose family? Yours or his?

They obviously know what he's like.

Who's more valuable to them (sorry to be blunt) you or him?

As he's potentially losing clients, could he end up with a disciplinary?