Hate the way my husband speaks to me

[Becka09009]

I’ve been married for 5 years ...my husband has always been a lot more curt / blunt than me. I hate confrontation, I’m very sensitive and empathetic..probably overly sensitive sometimes and that’s where we clash. However despite me being quite sensitive I do think my husband sometimes crossed a line by anyone’s standards in the way he speaks to me.

He doesn’t do it all the time...and is generally quite considerate and nice the rest of the time. He does his fair share of cleaning and parenting our daughter..probably not 50/50 but more than a lot of my friends partners do. He’s hands on compared to the average guy I think.

He has this habit though of getting annoyed very easily and being overly aggressive and rude which usually seems to be a disproportionate reaction to the situation. He then speaks to me really aggressively...and yeah we all snap a little bit but he won’t back down or apologise or does one of those ‘I’m sorry but I swore at you because you did xyz’ as if it’s justified.

So tonight for example..he’s having some friends round to play this role play board game they play. He was setting things up in the kitchen and put this mat down on the kitchen island..I went to get my daughter some juice out the fridge so rested her sippy cup on the mat as it totally covered the island. He screamed at me ‘get that fucking cup off my mat it’s really expensive’ I said don’t speak to me like that he said what is he supposed to do when I disrespect his things and do stupid things. I asked for an apology, he said ‘where’s my apology’ for putting the cup down. Earlier today he shouted at me repeatedly for using the wrong door in front of the Tesco delivery man (I went to the door the man was at!) ...I’m 8 months pregnant and still had to ask him to come help me lift the crates rather than shouting at me from the living room. It was so embarrassing I made a joke about him being grumpy to the delivery guy but he didn’t look impressed.

It’s just little things but he really flys off the handle. He also speaks to his mum like this (she came to visit recently) I called him out for it in front of her as he’s awful and speaks to her like she’s stupid. She never stands up to him but tells me she doesn’t like it and always gives me a look.

He’s in total denial that it’s an issue...or the only time he has apologised slightly more genuinely is when I made him go stay in a hotel for screaming at me about something trivial and threatened to leave him.

He’s speaking to me like this in front of our daughter who was upset tonight (she’s 2) and I’m so worried he’s going to do this to her when she’s older as kids make clumsy mistakes and mess things up all the time! He just has no patience at all and also worried about the example I’m setting putting up with this.

My mums thinks I’m crazy and thinks he’s sweetness and light as he never does this around her...my friends have seen it and commented on it.
You wouldn’t know it to meet him thats why I wonder if I’m being over sensitive but i hear how wrong it is when he does it to his mum.

Don’t know what to do I feel like I can’t do much about it at 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old. It’s the fact he doesn’t even apologise properly that doesn’t give me any hope of it improving

Leave earlier rather than later.
And just prepare yourself for all the tactics he will use to keep you as his pet.

Great post @EarthSight

Whatever way you look at this he is a bully, he wants his own way and he seems to have you running arround him trying to appease him.

Why would he change, he won't, why would he give up his power and dominance over the family unit because he's seen reason.

He will never see reason, his actions are deliberate and so deeply embedded that he doesn't see himself as abusive. You are beggining to accept that he is in fact abusive. Yours eyes are opening.

This will affect your children, they may be bullied themselves or he may even use them to bully you too, whereby you become the scapegoat for the family, they may side with him so they don't get attacked.

Fear is a horrible thing to live with n a domestic household, being on edge, walking on eggshells and just not ever being able to relax does so much damage to families. Their mental and physical health detoriates and future relationships are always affected.

You can't change these men, for short periods maybe, but in the long run it gets worse, you will find your world becomes increasingly smaller as you try to contain his outbursts so others do not see him humiliate you, time and time again.

Such hard work and so damaging for everyone except him.

@nocnoc

I’ve had to seek therapy for this exact same thing. The hurling foul mouthed angry eruptions. It started when I had our first baby. It’s ruined my life. It’s so hard because when he’s calm and not challenged then he’s absolutely hilarious and charming and wonderful. The best BUT the eggshells are crippling. It means I have to forward think every scenario. We can’t go on holiday. We can’t go to crowded places because it sets off his impatience/frustration. We can’t do things I want to do, like go out for lunch because if it’s something he doesn’t enjoy then the black mood descends. I can’t challenge him on anything he does that makes me unhappy. Now the kids are older he’s better with them but when they were 3/4/5 years old it was hell especially if they started fighting or crying or wet the bed or particularly if they were running around, fell over, started crying. We were on holiday and my 3 year old scraped his arm. Bleeding. Crying. My husband (in public) lost his temper started cursing and stormed off in a huff. His first thought was always for himself. He’d never seem to pick them up and make them feel better. If I could turn back time, I’d go back ten years and leave him when he did it the very first time. It hasn’t got better. I just now know how to navigate it and it’s too late for me because I’m old and my chance to have any kind of new happy life has gone. Yours hasn’t. You are still young and can raise your kids in a different atmosphere. Please do it. Please.

Telling yourself it's too late makes it so. Its self-fulfilling. You may have put up with him for a long time but it's never too late to reclaim the rest of your life. You don't really want to wait to outlive him before you're free of this lodestone.

Please don't allow your children to grow up seeing him like this and you putting up with it.

Leaving sooner rather than later will be easier in the long run.

My mother was the same as @AnyFucker 's ...the only reason she still isn't with my father is because he left her for another woman when I was 21 (she was 48).

I have been NC with my father for 32 years and very LC with my mother for 25 years. I deliberately live on the other side of the world from her. I judge both of them, but especially my mother as she put her marriage to my father ahead of her 3 children, and as a result we had a rotten childhood. She has no grandchildren now and can't understand why...

Your children will not thank you for your 'sacrifice' if you stay with this man. They will hate both of you for making their childhood a misery.

OP,
Great advice above.

You are in a highly abusive relationship and your daughter is too.

The poor little mite is being emotionally abused by what she witnessed.

She is upset because she is afraid and distressed.

Abusive pricks like your husband destroy the childhoods of children and leave them traumatised, depressed and ridden with anxiety.

THAT is your childs furture.

He is an ugly man.

Your mother was abusive and now you are married to another abuser.

Please take the excellent advice above and make plans.

Tell friends and those that can and will support you, the truth.

Speak to your GP and tell them that he is hugely abusive to you and your poor child.

This is NOT a good man.

Do NOT protect him at the expense of that poor terrified child.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
Your daughter is depending on you to protect her.

Start putting away some cash for emergencies.
Open up a checking account in your name only.
Go online and find out what benefits you will be entitled to with two children
Check with council about housing or look for private rentals
Find a good solicitor and pay a retainer.
Start looking for another job. Maybe with a company you do business with? Where you could start after maternity leave?
DO NOT let the 50/50 child care thing scare you into staying!!

• Most men don't want 50/50. They use the threat as a club to not pay child support or to keep their women in line. If he can't hurt you with his threats, they will fade away.

OP you’re recognising similar patterns in your mum who would stonewall you/withdraw love when she was mad at you. This is incredibly damaging to children (I know because my mum did this to me and it’s taken me a long time to heal from this).

He sounds like he is extremely emotionally immature and abusive and not a good partner.

I would give him an ultimatum that he has to get counselling and coaching to understand how to deal with this and get better.

If he agrees to that I would see if that works and improves things.

If he refuses, or if it doesn’t improve things - then you know you need to leave. Don’t waste your life being abused.

I’ve never been sworn at in anger/aggression by any partner in my life. It’s not normal and it is abusive. You deserve better.

You deserve respect.

He behaves like a child and is in need of anger management. Tell him he does this or you split.

@Callixte I disagree with your assertion and in my experience this type of an angry person never crosses the threshold of a psychotherapist because they feel there's nothing wrong with themselves it's other people at fault.

Mil and fil to a tee here op

Early to late 80s now and he still emotionally abused her.

She has a dogs life.

None of his multiple kids talk to him anymore and they've never had friends.
He too unsuccessfully had to run his own business or should I say spend the money not wisely because people stopped tolerating his behaviour over the years.

Mil never gets a break from him because she has never been allowed to have a life thanks to his awkwardness and rudeness.

Both are at big fault him because of his ways and her for letting her kids grow up in it resulting in some deep seated issues all their lives.

This resonates with me so much. Fortunately there were no children involved and I can’t imagine how much harder that makes this whole situation. I wish 6 years ago, when my ex started treating me in this way, that I had sought advice from the posters on here. Please listen to their advice and start making a plan to leave this man. I tried for years, begged even, for the dynamic of our relationship to change and things only got worse. It got to a point that my anxiety was through the roof waiting for the next inevitable blow up over the most minor of things. No one should have to walk around on egg shells their entire life and as PP have said, your children will see and hear everything and it will affect them. You’re worth so much more than he is giving you.

@Callixte

Respectfully I also dissagree and feel giving op hope that this is achievable or fixable is very damaging.

Op needs to see, it is not her problem to fix even if she could.

It's impossible the die is set, very distressing to see that someone cannot change but abusers don't change, they really don't.

She has to accept what he is, and realise she is not at fault and not responsible.

Also I wanted to add that it's not a good enough reason to stay with a man even if they don't start exhibiting the same behaviour to a child than they do to the child's mum.

They are still being exposed to the behaviour and taught by what they see that it's an acceptable and tolerable dynamic between couples.

Speaking from the child's POV, staying 'for the children' causes both guilt at making the abused parent unhappy and resentment for growing up in a toxic household that requires walking on eggshells and one person's mood dictating that of everyone in the household.

It cost me my 20s and a fuckload of therapy to break the cycle. My dad never bullied me, I just witnessed him make my mum incredibly unhappy and not confident in herself. I became her protector and then resented her (at the time) for telling me off for giving out to my dad when he was a shit to her instead of being appreciative I did so.

Now I know she did appreciate it, but at the time it felt like I was punished for having her back.

He sounds just like my dad. None of his kids have spoken to him since 2011. You still have the chance to give those kids a light, happy childhood in a calm home.
You sound like a lovely Mum x

wewereliars, EKGEMS, and Onthedunes - my comment that behaviour like the husband's is often fixable was conditional on the husband agreeing that there is an issue with his behaviour and genuinely committing to change even if that is hard work/time spent for him. (I wasn't suggesting the OP needed to "work" on the issue or do anything differently). I was viewing it as more of an anger management or impulse control problem rather than personality-based bullying.

The update from OP right before my post (which I'd missed) makes it pretty clear that he does not see a problem and won't make an effort to change, unfortunately. In that case I agree, there's no solution but ending the relationship.

My mum used to do this to me when I was a kid

This really struck me OP - along with you saying that he doesn't do this with your mum but does with your own.

I suspect your mum is quite like him. they say the spouse we pick is nearly always an attempt to resolve some previous relationship - for good or bad.

My husband has never raised his voice to me in the 30 years we've known each other. If he yelled at me "watch out" in warning if, say, I left a cup toppling on the side, he'd say sorry afterwards for raising his voice. You deserve way way better than you have.

I think you need to realise there is no perfect time to leave. It is a bit like the old saying

when is the perfect time to plant a tree
10 years ago
When is the next best time
Now

You maybe should have left a while ago but the next best time is now.

Not that you need to have a reason to leave anyone but a man who yells, is aggressive in front of his children, has anger issues, refuses to apologise - no one needs to be stuck with that shit.

Think of the delivery man and what he might have said to his wife or friend that night about what he saw that day. He felt sorry for you stuck with the angry tantrummy man you are stuck with. He might even have been worried about you. You aren't stuck though. You CAN get out.

Meh. I wouldn't want to be treated like that.
And I wouldn't my daughter to see me being treated like that.
And I wouldn't want my daughter to think its normal to be treated like that.

You can't make him change. So if you pointed this behaviour out and he's decided not to change, you have your answer and your future. The choice to leave or stay is yours.

'I'm sorry but' is absolutely not an apology. The 'but' turns the sentiment around 180 degrees.
The sooner you leave the better.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Not only is he rude as fuck and scary with it, he delivers empty apologies and expresses zero interest in improving himself.

To whoever suggested he go to stay with his mum, omg he already abuses her when she visits.

This man is an abuser. You may not value yourself highly enough to expect better in your relationship but as you have rightly pointed out, you have a responsibility to keep your daughter safe.

I wish I believed that he was capable of change but I don't see hope here.

My dad spoke to my mum like this. We were sad when he died, but we all acknowledge the unspoken truth that it was a relief to escape the awful behavior.

It's completely unacceptable. You need to call him out every single time. It sounds like it could escalate as well.

Would counselling help him?

My father was like this. I'm quite scared of angry people and conflict now (and I'm in my 50s). It's so damaging for children, let alone for you. Please make plans to leave

Becka, your children being terrorized in their own home by their father will cause untold damage and have far-reaching ramifications.

Even if he doesn’t aim his anger and venom directly at them, their exposure to his horrific outbursts is considered child abuse. You are living in a dangerous home. Please formulate an exit plan to safeguard your children and yourself.