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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hate the way my husband speaks to me

102 replies

Becka09009 · 09/11/2021 19:59

I’ve been married for 5 years ...my husband has always been a lot more curt / blunt than me. I hate confrontation, I’m very sensitive and empathetic..probably overly sensitive sometimes and that’s where we clash. However despite me being quite sensitive I do think my husband sometimes crossed a line by anyone’s standards in the way he speaks to me.

He doesn’t do it all the time...and is generally quite considerate and nice the rest of the time. He does his fair share of cleaning and parenting our daughter..probably not 50/50 but more than a lot of my friends partners do. He’s hands on compared to the average guy I think.

He has this habit though of getting annoyed very easily and being overly aggressive and rude which usually seems to be a disproportionate reaction to the situation. He then speaks to me really aggressively...and yeah we all snap a little bit but he won’t back down or apologise or does one of those ‘I’m sorry but I swore at you because you did xyz’ as if it’s justified.

So tonight for example..he’s having some friends round to play this role play board game they play. He was setting things up in the kitchen and put this mat down on the kitchen island..I went to get my daughter some juice out the fridge so rested her sippy cup on the mat as it totally covered the island. He screamed at me ‘get that fucking cup off my mat it’s really expensive’ I said don’t speak to me like that he said what is he supposed to do when I disrespect his things and do stupid things. I asked for an apology, he said ‘where’s my apology’ for putting the cup down. Earlier today he shouted at me repeatedly for using the wrong door in front of the Tesco delivery man (I went to the door the man was at!) ...I’m 8 months pregnant and still had to ask him to come help me lift the crates rather than shouting at me from the living room. It was so embarrassing I made a joke about him being grumpy to the delivery guy but he didn’t look impressed.

It’s just little things but he really flys off the handle. He also speaks to his mum like this (she came to visit recently) I called him out for it in front of her as he’s awful and speaks to her like she’s stupid. She never stands up to him but tells me she doesn’t like it and always gives me a look.

He’s in total denial that it’s an issue...or the only time he has apologised slightly more genuinely is when I made him go stay in a hotel for screaming at me about something trivial and threatened to leave him.

He’s speaking to me like this in front of our daughter who was upset tonight (she’s 2) and I’m so worried he’s going to do this to her when she’s older as kids make clumsy mistakes and mess things up all the time! He just has no patience at all and also worried about the example I’m setting putting up with this.

My mums thinks I’m crazy and thinks he’s sweetness and light as he never does this around her...my friends have seen it and commented on it.
You wouldn’t know it to meet him thats why I wonder if I’m being over sensitive but i hear how wrong it is when he does it to his mum.

Don’t know what to do I feel like I can’t do much about it at 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old. It’s the fact he doesn’t even apologise properly that doesn’t give me any hope of it improving

OP posts:

wewereliars · 09/11/2021 21:01

Leaving now will be fine, your children are so small. Doing it when they are teenagers, like I did, is harder,.

But, I did try to get rid of him for 6 years, so it was n''t all me.

He was arrested, I got an occupation order, I forced the sale of our property, the occupation order ran out because of pandemic, he strained every sinew to turn our son against me. and on and on. .

OP save yourself an ocean of tears, get out now.

MyButteredBread · 09/11/2021 21:01

He wont want 50/50, I reckon. They often say that but rarely actually try. It's usually a scare tactic.

I am worried for you, OP. Your maternity leave is going to be very, very hard with him around, screaming at you for any reason under the sun. You'll be vulnerable with a toddler and small baby, healing from labour and delivery. More vulnerable than last time. It may well be safer for you to leave before you give birth. Speak to women's aid ASAP for specialist advice.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2021 21:06

leads to a headfuckery when it comes to relationship dynamics and expectations

Yep. My teenage and early adult self would tell you that. I made some terrible decisions around relationships back then. I put that down directly to the hammering my self esteem took from my dad.

Holothane · 09/11/2021 21:28

He’s upset people at church I dare not go there again .

UnsuitableHat · 09/11/2021 21:33

He sounds awful. And you don't sound over sensitive.

Original poster

Becka09009 · 09/11/2021 21:33

It’s just a nightmare to get out of as we work for the same family business and I can’t be dealing with all this while I’ve got a newborn and toddler to juggle ..but at the same time I can’t be dealing with him when I’ve got the two kids to juggle and care for. I hate him doing that in front of her..he didn’t even seem phased by the fact It was upsetting her I thought he’d at least stop it for that reason. He’s now blanked me, this is what he does just gives silent treatment when I stand up to him. My mum used to do this to me when I was a kid so definitely see how kids end up following similar patterns...when I’ve mentioned the way he’s been speaking to me during the pregnancy all she had to say was ‘it’s wrong but let it play out as not exactly the best time’ ...wtf does let it play out mean. Just put up with it

OP posts:

Callixte · 09/11/2021 21:34

His apologising for the recent incident (and any prior ones) is really a separate issue. The most important thing is that you're asking him to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Even if the behaviour is fine by his standards, the fact that it's continuously seriously upsetting you and your daughter should be reason enough for him to agree to get help (assuming he's genuinely tried to change on his own and failed). This kind of issue is usually fixable with effort and work, and a professional therapist/counsellor can help him both understand the root of the anger and learn to control his impulses to let loose. No one HAS to yell and verbally abuse people, and learning to hold back will help him at work and with his mother as well, so why not try? If he won't agree to that, I don't know what to suggest besides considering a break-up, because it sounds pretty miserable - not just his doing it but the constant worry for you and your daughter that he will.

Hopeful22 · 09/11/2021 21:45

I know it sounds horrendous scary but you need to get your head around leaving this man. I know the thoughts of it seem impossible with 2 small children nearly. But you need to do it for them.
I'm leaving for exactly that reason I'm not putting up with it and letting my daughter see what a bad marraige looks like. I'm showing her how to leave a bad marraige she's only 6 but when she is older I will explain and probably by then she will know herself why I left her father.

If you want to see how a man will treat you , see how he treats his mother. Its so true. My exh has no respect for his parents or sister talk to them with aggression impatience and is dismissive. And that's how he talks to me, flies off the handle at such silly unimportant things. It's repulsive and I'm not putting up with it anymore , that and about a 100 other things.

Ring women's aid get them to give you advise but please start thinking this needs to end x

RandomMess · 09/11/2021 21:47

Perhaps it's actually easier to leave whilst on mat leave. Sure you will have to hunt for a new job but you will be entitled to claim benefits with such young children to bode your time.

EarthSight · 09/11/2021 21:49

@Becka09009

I think you've probably been conditioned to accept this behaviour from your mum (so this was already familiar to you). I also question people if they mentioned this kind of situation and then wonder if they're being too sensitive. Are you are sensitive as you think you are?

Have you considered the fact that you could be quite average and the 'too sensitive' thing has been directed towards you in order to make sure you stay silent, to shame you when you try to stand up for yourself? In some circumstances, 'too sensitive' can mean 'has accurate sense of when they're being disrespected' or 'does not put up with bullshit'.

It's funny how often who dish out the 'too sensitive' label are often remarkably sensitive themselves. If they so much as smell an insult (and they are often incredibly defensive and sometimes wrong about people's intentions), they will retort with a disproportionally aggressive response.

You see, often with people like your husband, everybody else is supposed to take his bullshit, but it's actually him that sounds sensitive and neurotic. He's the one who flies off the handle at small things. I wonder how he deals with people who speak to him like he does to you.

It sounds to me like he sees you as an incompetent, silly employee and he is the big important CEO. I find it difficult to believe that he sees you as equal. Just sounds like a lot of disrespect going on.

Did he speak to you like that in the first month of being with you?

RosiePosieDozy · 09/11/2021 21:50

Definitely don't reassign yourself to a life of being spoken to like dirt. Life is much more than that. Believe me.

EarthSight · 09/11/2021 21:50

It's funny how often people who dish out the 'too sensitive' label are often remarkably sensitive themselves.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/11/2021 21:54

@RandomMess

Perhaps it's actually easier to leave whilst on mat leave. Sure you will have to hunt for a new job but you will be entitled to claim benefits with such young children to bode your time.

100% this.

Ohpulltheotherone · 09/11/2021 21:59

Oh god OP this makes me feel nervous for you.

My dad had such a bad temper when I was growing up, he never personally criticised us but he was so quick to anger and he’d shout and swear and bang things and slam around the house. He was a great dad and he loved us fiercely but the temper and anger stayed with me and I’m very nervous of being around these type of men now, I can’t tolerate raised voices or displays of aggression - even if it’s not towards me.

The thought of living with someone who swears at me on the regular and talks to pretty much everyone in the family like shit…it feels me with dread. I can’t imagine going through it myself let alone putting my baby through it.

What he needs is therapy, and quite a lot of it. If he refuses to engage in professional help then I don’t see how you’ll have a future - it might last a couple of years but I guarantee he won’t just suddenly change. So it’s basically now or never.

wewereliars · 09/11/2021 22:00

Callixte what is the evidence for your assertion saying that " this kind of issue is usually fixable with effort and work"

Whose effort and work?

The OP is living with an abusive bully, who does not, and is not seeking "help" . His life is just fine as it is. And the OP needs him gone.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/11/2021 22:16

@AnyFucker has succinctly described how your children will experience your oatebt8ng

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/11/2021 22:17

Parenting!

nocnoc · 09/11/2021 22:17

I’ve had to seek therapy for this exact same thing. The hurling foul mouthed angry eruptions. It started when I had our first baby. It’s ruined my life. It’s so hard because when he’s calm and not challenged then he’s absolutely hilarious and charming and wonderful. The best BUT the eggshells are crippling. It means I have to forward think every scenario. We can’t go on holiday. We can’t go to crowded places because it sets off his impatience/frustration. We can’t do things I want to do, like go out for lunch because if it’s something he doesn’t enjoy then the black mood descends. I can’t challenge him on anything he does that makes me unhappy. Now the kids are older he’s better with them but when they were 3/4/5 years old it was hell especially if they started fighting or crying or wet the bed or particularly if they were running around, fell over, started crying. We were on holiday and my 3 year old scraped his arm. Bleeding. Crying. My husband (in public) lost his temper started cursing and stormed off in a huff. His first thought was always for himself. He’d never seem to pick them up and make them feel better. If I could turn back time, I’d go back ten years and leave him when he did it the very first time. It hasn’t got better. I just now know how to navigate it and it’s too late for me because I’m old and my chance to have any kind of new happy life has gone. Yours hasn’t. You are still young and can raise your kids in a different atmosphere. Please do it. Please.

nocnoc · 09/11/2021 22:19

www.verywellmind.com/coping-when-your-spouse-shuts-down-4097175

nocnoc · 09/11/2021 22:23

Ah yes. The silent treatment. It’s one of my most favourite parts of my relationship (that’s sarcasm). During lockdown he spent weeks ignoring me. It’s called stonewalling. Google it. Also read this link

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

You absolutely can get out while pregnant. In fact while baby is young and you’re on mat leave is probably the best time. You don’t have to deal with the pressure of seeing him at work.

Doona · 09/11/2021 22:23

Even if you don't leave, you need to get yourself in a position where you could leave if necessary, because that will give you power in the relationship.

boreon · 09/11/2021 22:23

If he talks to you like that, he will talk to your daughter like that.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 09/11/2021 22:24

I would not be having this. You need to have some respect for yourself because he sure doesn't.

Any one of these incidents would mean the end of the relationship for me and he'd have to take me to court before I would let him have my child unsupervised.

JustLookingforAnswers · 09/11/2021 22:26

I so relate to this! My marriage was exactly the same and I knew for years that I should leave.

My son is now 6 and I finally did it!

Unfortunately he will not change and if you can, leave early while your little one is still little. I wish I had had the courage to do this a few years ago.

I know it isn't easy, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it is the right thing for our children who deserve better ❤️

Good luck! x

oxfordgreen · 09/11/2021 22:33

@Becka09009

The silent treatment is a classic follow up behaviour from abusive people. Passive aggression to punish you, another form of control

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