People who have cheated reporting on their disbelief after the event

[Signalstation]

I've read online posts by people who have cheated and regretted it, referring with hindsight to it feeling like an out of body experience, like they can't believe it was them, etc.

I'm not in a relationship at the moment but remembering when I was, I don't understand how this happens? Thinking about my day-to-day routines and responsibilities, I really can't imagine how this phenomenon occurs? Is it like leaving part of your identity at home, or adopting a temporary identity when seeing the affair partner? Is is like a schizoid split of personality?

I'd be curious to know what people think is going on and why it occurs (I don't mean why cheating occurs per se I mean why people report such odd feelings of disbelief that they could have done what they did).

I presumed it was a lie. I mean, they’ve got pretty good at lying, after having an affair...

They are being selfish and disloyal. When they have stopped they might be shocked/embarrassed by their behaviour and describe it as unbelievable. I guess they are trying to disassociate themselves from their bad behaviour.

At the time they knew what they were doing and chose to do it.

It’s just a poor attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their bad behavior.

Disassociation is a good explanation, I hadn't thought of that. So why are they only shocked/embarrassed at their behaviour after the event? Why not in the moment(s)?

Because people get very caught up in that moment and logic and sense don't come into it, just the here and now.

Some people are also very good at compartmentalising, so having sex with x doesn't mean I don't love y and not want to still be with them.

Likely because after is when the consequences, judgement, and criticism occurs.

Slopy shoulders

In the moment they prioritise the excitement, love, attention or whatever benefit they think they get. Only later the realise that is not real or not worth it and the consequences ie losing relationship or hurting partner become more real and a priority again. Until the next time anyway.

I agree it’s a free choice but I have cheated in the past and would possibly describe it as an out of body experience - it felt like I wasn’t in control of my actions at the time and I had regret and disbelief immediately after. Entirely lust-driven behaviour, I wasn’t emotionally attached.

So why are they only shocked/embarrassed at their behaviour after the event?

Are they really though? Or are they just saying the thing that they know is going get them socially forgiven the quickest? People who cheat and lie know how to work people to get what they want out of any given situation. They say what they know get them to what they want the quickest.

I have cheated in the past and I can identify with those feelings. I honestly never ever ever thought I was capable of doing it but when it came to it, I was just kind of swept along with it. It's not that I didn't have free choice, of course I did, but there was a kind of disbelief that I actually did it. It was like looking in on someone else's life.

I haven't cheated but then, I have never felt the temptation to (touch wood). I do think it's something most people are capable of, given the wrong set of circumstances. The human heart can be a right bastard, and it's hard to behave rationally when you are being flooded with dopamine by your bastard brain.

I read somewhere once that some people feel completely digusted with themselves straight after having sex with their affair partner, but then go back for more 😐 I honestly think its some form of addiction, hence the good old saying once a cheater, always a cheater. I can sort of understand how they would feel like it's not them if it was an addiction... fwiw my exh had an affair and I didn't recognise the person he had morphed into

Cognitive dissonance. They need to do some substantial mental gymnastics to justify something they clearly wanted to do at the time even when they know it's morally and ethically wrong. Talking about it in terms of being in some sort of trance is one way of trying to absolve themselves of the guilt - it was me but not me. See also rewriting history to make their partner seem unloving/unpleasant, only there for the children, never been happy, etc. etc.

@SarahBellam

Cognitive dissonance. They need to do some substantial mental gymnastics to justify something they clearly wanted to do at the time even when they know it's morally and ethically wrong. Talking about it in terms of being in some sort of trance is one way of trying to absolve themselves of the guilt - it was me but not me. See also rewriting history to make their partner seem unloving/unpleasant, only there for the children, never been happy, etc. etc.

They not only talk in these terms but they actually seem to believe what they say. It's not even appropriate to say they 'believe' what they say; it just seems that - to them - it just 'is', like the sun is just in the sky.

I suspect post-hoc rationalisation. Most people are the hero in their own screenplay and use cognitive dissonance to resolve any discrepancy between their self-image as a 'good guy' and their choices, decisions and behaviour. Arguably better than the sociopath/psychopaths I've known who would have affairs and do worse without any regret.

I know one rationalisation of 'couldn't help himself' but without the OOBE. Colleague wanted to discuss at work late one night as he was considering a relationship with a younger temporary worker who liked him, knew he was married with a SAHM and two children. I gave honest advice, including that his 'worrier' personality seemed especially unsuited to the choice and consequences. It sounds like a morality tale but the last I heard was he'd limited contact with his two children who despised him, was living in temporary accommodation, had broken his devoted wife's heart who was trying to move on and had a career-impacting drink problem. I've not spoken to him for years so don't know if he regretted it.

No-one wants to be a bad person. So when we deliberately do something bad, our struggling conscience either finds some justification for it, that makes it OK, or pretends it is not happening - refuses to acknowledge what's going on. That makes it feel unreal. In retrospect, that feeling of unreality can also be used as "proof" that it was totally out of character and you are thus not naturally a bad person. You can look at yourself as if it wasn't even you that did it, and be shocked: it was that other, strange, bad person, not good old me.

They not only talk in these terms but they actually seem to believe what they say
Because it's either that or believe they are a bad person, and their mind doesn't want to do that. It's a protective mechanism.

Because #people. I do get your "people just don't fall into/onto a naked person!" view and I've never cheated personally.

But I have just had a slice of chocolate fudge cake despite the fact that I am trying to lose weight for sensible health reasons.

The human intellect, conscience and willpower are like a tiny monkey hanging on for dear life to the vast rampaging elephant of our mammalian impulses of BREED, EAT etc. Sometimes it's a miracle we're as well behaved as we are!

“The human intellect, conscience and willpower are like a tiny monkey hanging on for dear life to the vast rampaging elephant of our mammalian impulses of BREED, EAT etc. Sometimes it's a miracle we're as well behaved as we are!”

This with bells on - and for me, especially with regard to food!

I've heard of the 'affair fog' before and 'limerence' which combine to create an altered state of thinking and reasoning, when the only thing that is important to them is their all-consuming infatuation with their affair partner. I have heard that this 'lifts' to leave someone who then goes through disbelief and remorse.

It's neither here or there though when someone has the ability and personality type to enter into that state of mind –even true remorse over one affair will not necessarily stop another.

If you do fall into that state of mind, you do so when you decide to kiss that younger co-worker. This "trance" effect is a reaction to the start of your affair: it's not what causes it. At most it might perpetuate it, but even then it doesn't switch your brains off.

A lot of black and white thinking here.

The truth is that the majority of people cheat at some point.

And people do other things which could be judged by others, overeating perhaps, spending too much time with friends rather than with their families, covering up a mistake at work, the list goes on.

We are basically all human beings and not one single one of us is infallible.

Just because someone might not cheat doesn’t mean that they’ve never done anything which was wrong and which they didn’t regret in hindsight.

I think it’s safe to say most cheaters aren’t good at taking responsibility for their own actions. My ex refuses to think of himself as someone who cheated, despite admitting it in a few moments of clarity, because he’s so invested in his self image of “not a cheater”.

Cognitive dissonance I guess. 🤷‍♀️

A lot of black and white thinking here
Where?