People who have cheated reporting on their disbelief after the event

[Signalstation]

I've read online posts by people who have cheated and regretted it, referring with hindsight to it feeling like an out of body experience, like they can't believe it was them, etc.

I'm not in a relationship at the moment but remembering when I was, I don't understand how this happens? Thinking about my day-to-day routines and responsibilities, I really can't imagine how this phenomenon occurs? Is it like leaving part of your identity at home, or adopting a temporary identity when seeing the affair partner? Is is like a schizoid split of personality?

I'd be curious to know what people think is going on and why it occurs (I don't mean why cheating occurs per se I mean why people report such odd feelings of disbelief that they could have done what they did).

I just think some people compartmentalise their lives and tell themselves a certain narrative to excuse their actions. There's alot of feeding their ego and i imagine insecurity feeding their actions. Also alot of not taking responsibility which goes along with the narrative they are telling themselves....like I can do this but I can also go home and slot into family life and act like nothings happened. Almost like it's not real and it never happened if no one else knows about it.

@HeartsAndClubs

A lot of black and white thinking here.

The truth is that the majority of people cheat at some point.

And people do other things which could be judged by others, overeating perhaps, spending too much time with friends rather than with their families, covering up a mistake at work, the list goes on.

We are basically all human beings and not one single one of us is infallible.

Just because someone might not cheat doesn’t mean that they’ve never done anything which was wrong and which they didn’t regret in hindsight.

Are we really equating the betrayal of infidelity, and all the long-term (sometimes life-long) devastating impacts born from that to eating too much cake or covering up a mistake at work?

What am I even reading?

@Zilla1

I suspect post-hoc rationalisation. Most people are the hero in their own screenplay and use cognitive dissonance to resolve any discrepancy between their self-image as a 'good guy' and their choices, decisions and behaviour. Arguably better than the sociopath/psychopaths I've known who would have affairs and do worse without any regret.

I know one rationalisation of 'couldn't help himself' but without the OOBE. Colleague wanted to discuss at work late one night as he was considering a relationship with a younger temporary worker who liked him, knew he was married with a SAHM and two children. I gave honest advice, including that his 'worrier' personality seemed especially unsuited to the choice and consequences. It sounds like a morality tale but the last I heard was he'd limited contact with his two children who despised him, was living in temporary accommodation, had broken his devoted wife's heart who was trying to move on and had a career-impacting drink problem. I've not spoken to him for years so don't know if he regretted it.

It's possible that he saw it as an opportunity to break away from his "worrier" personality and prove to himself that he was actually an exciting and sexual person.

Do many of your colleagues talk to each other about how they're considering affairs with other staff members?

What a load of rubbish Heartsandclubs - the majority of people DONT cheat at some point!

@Signalstation

Disassociation is a good explanation, I hadn't thought of that. So why are they only shocked/embarrassed at their behaviour after the event? Why not in the moment(s)?

Because that's how dissociation works.

You'll never get a sensible discussion about this because the "good" people genuinely believe it could never happen to them. I was one of them once and can still be quite scornful of other cheaters. It is something that "just happened". Looking back it doesn't feel like it was me, it's not something the me before or after would ever have dreamt possible.

It's not as simple as making poor decisions (although that is certainly part of it), it's when a combination of factors come together and things escalate before you fully realise what's going on IME.

I don't doubt that nasty serial philanderers with no care for anyone else exist, but I don't for a minute think that all cheats fit that profile.

The truth is that the majority of people cheat at some point.

Is it?

I would think it's a bit like eating cake on a diet.

You commit to healthy eating, manage it, feel good on it and loose weight. Then along comes a nice piece of cake and you really want it and eat every slice.

Afterwards, you feel sick, realise you have regained the weight and can't believe you threw away something that was so good for you for a cake.

I dunno because I've never cheated (but have broken many diets )

In various studies around 70% of people admit to having cheated. And presumably those are just the ones who have admitted it. So yes, the majority of people do cheat at some point.

@HeartsAndClubs

In various studies around 70% of people admit to having cheated. And presumably those are just the ones who have admitted it. So yes, the majority of people do cheat at some point.

Any links to those?

And it depends on the age range of those studied. I mean, if you ask a load of students/teenagers then, yes, I daresay quite a few cheated. When your young, discovering who you are and learning how to manage your yourself you tend to do that.

That’s a world away from mature adults, who’ve invested heavily in a family, made official commitments, been together years, etc, etc.

Just to add: that’s the whole point of the term “grown up”. That you grow up and out of those narcissistic youthful impulses, get some control over your base impulses and realise there’s more to the world than simply “I want, so I’m entitled to it.”

Link 75% of men and 68% of women admit to cheating but only 5% of people believe their partner has been unfaithful

Lots of stats in the references linked, although it does also say that the definition of "cheating" varies from person to person.

@Spiceup

Link 75% of men and 68% of women admit to cheating but only 5% of people believe their partner has been unfaithful

Lots of stats in the references linked, although it does also say that the definition of "cheating" varies from person to person.

Those stats appear to come from college aged (ie university aged) people, where I'd expect it to happen more and wouldn't necessarily assume it means they're all cheating years later.

Good old fashioned Lust taking over a lot of the time.

I don't have experience of being unfaithful and haven't been unfaithful, but surely falling in love is this crazy feeling where you are besotted by somebody and find your imagination planning when you can see them and visualising what it will be like. Falling in love is probably a biological response to get people to pair up and propagate the species. It can be spiritual too.

My hypothesis would be that low-level stress can trigger an intense reaction, maybe similar to the sexualised flirting which is said to go alongside the flight or fight response which the primordial part of the brain initiates at times of crisis. Perhaps in a stressed but going-along marriage/permanent relationship, people get bogged down and can't find a way of improving things or rationalising feelings. Maybe a different part of the brain takes over and makes them uninhibited, in one way, to think through a solution using a different facet of their personality.

And it depends on the age range of those studied. I mean, if you ask a load of students/teenagers then, yes, I daresay quite a few cheated. When your young, discovering who you are and learning how to manage your yourself you tend to do that. cheating is cheating though. I pointed out that the majority of people cheat at some point and was told that I am talking crap.

It’s very easy to dismiss cheating as college kids doing it because that way it’s easy to think that those kinds of statistics couldn’t possibly apply to your demographic.

But as much as a college student who cheats might not go on to cheat in a long term relationship, so someone who doesn’t cheat at college might go on to cheat in their marriage.

If people want to take the black and white view then that would mean that everyone who cheats is a lowlife etc etc, but once you admit that maybe some people cheat at college and never again you have to concede that actually, cheating isn’t actually as black and white as that.

And equally there are people who will cheat in one marriage and not another and so on.

Something about the horror the ego experiences when it becomes aware of the shadow? Jung? Mind you, he cheated on his wife ...

It’s very easy to dismiss cheating as college kids doing it because that way it’s easy to think that those kinds of statistics couldn’t possibly apply to your demographic.

Well, until we see stats that do apply to that demographic, its all kind of a moot point, isn't it?

As a PP also pointed out, college years are notorious for - putting it politely - "self discovery".

And conversely, it’s very easy to dismiss cheating as something "everyone does". Whatever gets you through the night, etc.

It's dissociation. I've never cheated but have totally experienced it when it comes to over-eating.

My then partner once said to me: “It’s like I was on holiday and someone was using my body without me realising”

To which I retorted: “It was a very long holiday. You’d have needed a working visa”

I still laugh when I think of it.

I think lots of things are at play. I actually believe affairs are highly addictive. The bonding chemicals are heightened and pretty powerful, anyone who has been limerant over another, knows how unclear your thinking is. There’s neuro-research out there which shows that lying repeatedly, alters the way your brain works, so it can lie more easily. The research also concludes it dampens empathy. Cognitive dissonance is at play, if you ‘believe’ you’re truly in love you can justify it to yourself, because love isn’t ‘wrong’.

Lots of affair psychology talks of affair fog. I think all the above does build some sort of fog. I know that most betrayed comment on their partner/spouse (if in a limerant affair) as almost ‘possessed’.

Once the highs, limerance wears off, the lying has stopped and empathy returns, the cognitive dissonance has waned, I can well imagine cheats describing it as an out of body experience.

I can imagine many regret it, whether they reach remorse is another matter.

You'll never get a sensible discussion about this because the "good" people genuinely believe it could never happen to them
Is this the black and white thinking mentioned above?
I've never had an affair, don't plan to have one, but also don't think I'm special and that I could never have one. I accept that if the right (wrong) circumstances came along, I might hop into bed with the wrong man. And if I did that, I'd frankly hope my brain would do this clever trick of convincing me that it wasn't really my fault, so that I could live with myself.

I've been married for 22 years and love my husband a lot. However in that time have "fancied" other people, though never acted in it or let on to them in anyway. I could imagine had the person liked me back I could have momentarily kissed them. Thankfully nothing ever happened. I look back at the crushes like I was a different person, I can't believe I felt like that about them and thank the lord I never did anything.

@Spiceup

You'll never get a sensible discussion about this because the "good" people genuinely believe it could never happen to them. I was one of them once and can still be quite scornful of other cheaters. It is something that "just happened". Looking back it doesn't feel like it was me, it's not something the me before or after would ever have dreamt possible.

It's not as simple as making poor decisions (although that is certainly part of it), it's when a combination of factors come together and things escalate before you fully realise what's going on IME.

I don't doubt that nasty serial philanderers with no care for anyone else exist, but I don't for a minute think that all cheats fit that profile.

Totally agree. Relationships aren't simple, and leaving can seem overwhelming. I don't really understand the MN hard line on cheating, I guess I never will. Time and time again I read threads from people in dreadful relationships with selfish or abusive men who finish by saying 'I wish he would cheat so I could just leave him'.

Why do we collectively judge cheating as a deal breaker but cruelty, lying, laziness, disrespect, anger or apathy as part of a spectrum of somewhat acceptable behaviours.

My mum had an affair with my dad's best friend. All three of them are kind, loving people.