DH has empathy for everyone except me

[notsureconfused]

I currently have covid and feel like crap. DH said 'it's just a cold'. This is a pattern throughout our marriage where if this was anyone else he'd be asking what he could do to help...but because it's me, even looking after his own children for a few days is a huge inconvenience. He manages to be a decent person in between times but as soon as I'm incapacitated for whatever reason, he's like this every time. I feel like he only cares about me when everything is ok but as soon as the chips are down, that's that. I'm really pissed off with him but don't know how to change things. I've tried talking to him but it just makes him feel more sorry for himself 😡

@Yusanaim

What was his parent's relationship like - did DM pander to the family?? Did she work or was she always avaiable?

This is a big factor I think. DH’s mum didn’t work and was constantly doing things for his dad/ the kids. Everything. Now DH expects me to be the same, except I do work and I make it damn clear I won’t be taking on all the household/ childcare myself as well.

I’m not good at being ill though, I had a stinking cold recently and wasn’t sleeping well and should have put myself to bed, but instead I forced myself to still cook the Sunday roast while DH played Xbox with DS. Although I did bring it up in the next argument we had just to make it known he was a dick for not helping me. But I shouldn’t have done it, I should have just gone to bed and told him he had to sort dinner!

@desperatehousewife21

Why did you do all that when you were ill though?

Your kids are watching you do the cooking (a whole roast too!) when you're ill while their dad plays xbox.

If you have sons then they're going to expect their partners to do all the cooking etc, because while you say you make it clear to your DH you aren't like his mum was, you're doing stuff that shows your kids the opposite!

I know, lm not good at being ill! I couldn’t even tell you why I did it, probably a stupid sense of ‘it’s my job’ and also because if I didn’t, the DCs wouldn’t have had a decent dinner. No way could DH cook a roast on his own, not that that excuses him but I’d feel bad for the kids so I just did it.

@desperatehousewife21

But the 'it's my job' bit of you is reaffirming to your kids that it's ultimately a woman's responsibility to shoulder the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Even when they work too!

You're showing them that and it continues the cycle of sexism that your partner has also made clear he is on board with.

I don't know how these men think it's attractive they see women as beneath them in those ways but I suppose if women marry them and have children with them knowing their thoughts on the subject then they've no reason to change.

A grown man who would carry on playing xbox while I slogged over a roast when I was ill would be someone I lost all respect for.

He sounds the type to think of looking after his own kids solo as 'babysitting' and cleaning his own home as 'helping' you.

Please do try to break this cycle!

I absolutely will, I don’t want to even be in this cycle and I certainly don’t want my DS growing up thinking his partner will do everything for him either.

DH does do his share of chores, it was more the fact he didn’t pick up the slack when I was ill as pp had mentioned.

But the 'it's my job' bit of you is reaffirming to your kids that it's ultimately a woman's responsibility to shoulder the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Even when they work too!

You're showing them that and it continues the cycle of sexism that your partner has also made clear he is on board with.

^ This is a really good point that has made me think about some of the "well I'll just do it all myself then" messages of my mother's generation came from in my own family.

I am actually ill again, this time I won’t be lifting a finger, I can barely stand up let alone cook etc. I’ve had a meek ‘how do you feel’ from DH but he hasn’t offered to do/ get me anything. Then I hear him on a zoom with his (female, not unattractive) boss and she’s unwell too and it’s all ‘aw no that’s awful, poor you’ fucking men.