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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has empathy for everyone except me

57 replies

notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 16:42

I currently have covid and feel like crap. DH said 'it's just a cold'. This is a pattern throughout our marriage where if this was anyone else he'd be asking what he could do to help...but because it's me, even looking after his own children for a few days is a huge inconvenience. He manages to be a decent person in between times but as soon as I'm incapacitated for whatever reason, he's like this every time. I feel like he only cares about me when everything is ok but as soon as the chips are down, that's that. I'm really pissed off with him but don't know how to change things. I've tried talking to him but it just makes him feel more sorry for himself 😡

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/11/2021 19:34

I hope you're isolating and being waited on. Make sure he's bringing you plenty of drinks /chocolate /magazines, you are very poorly and need to rest!

GettingUntrapped · 08/11/2021 19:44

This is a man child thing. You are mum, wife and perhaps some kind of service owed to him as your husband - a mega megga household device.
Do men not see us as people in our own right? It's unsettling, this arseholery.

Charliealphatangorara · 08/11/2021 19:52

My ex was like this and worryingly also with the kids (ignored them when they hurt themselves and cried for example). Am well rid.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 08/11/2021 19:56

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

I remember a similar thread and someone remarked that the Dh saw the op as a household appliance and was irritated at her for having the audacity to ‘malfunction’.
My exh was like this. Wanker.

Current man is a bit of a hypochondriac, had to call him out on his lack of contact when I was ill with Covid (I live on my own). Apparently, because he 'just goes very quiet' when he's ill (actually, he bangs on and on about his own ailments 😂) he thought ignoring me was best. He thought wrong, and knows it now!

OP I hope you're not feeling too bad, please get lots of rest Flowers and tell your bloody 'D'H he's being vile and uncaring.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 20:10

Thanks everyone, I was beginning to think I was being a bit of a softie. I am isolating which sucks as I'm stuck at home with DH & a grumpy baby! I'm glad the consensus is he's a horrible prick, though I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that tbh. And it does worry me what would happen if I was seriously ill - I suspect he'd hire a nanny and a cook & forget about me! He's certainly not waiting on me hand and foot, apparently looking after our child is favour enough 😔

OP posts:
nocnoc · 08/11/2021 20:29

Oh yes. The looking after baby as a favour kind of guy. He wants thanking and gratitude all the time. I don’t know how you sort this out because I’m married to one like this and it’s just got worse over the years. We separated for a short while and he couldn’t do enough for me while he was gone. Even sent me flowers which was the first and only time that’s ever happened in twenty years. I’m thinking these kind of guys are best kept as exes to be honest. More chance of them trying.

EarthSight · 08/11/2021 20:55

I think you have to decide if his company and contribution as a father is enough to stay with him, especially after the kids. It seems like he's only interested you so ling as he doesn't have to out himself out. It comes across as unloving and selfish. This is really not going to work out well for you when you're older and infirm.

Has he always been like this? Some partners only show their true colours after their other half has lost their value in some way. Many men who persue attractive women would certainly treat her well......but if they're selfish by nature, he will no longer make the effort once she loses her value. You are there to nurture and care for him, but not the other way around.

Sometimes it's a sign of disdain, resentment and lack of respect for one's partner to behave like this (sometimes accompanied by narcassitic tendencies). Note that everyone else deserves sympathy, whilst you are expected to get with it and he probably sees himself as a hero having to 'help you out' and you as a nuisance weakling who really should be performing to a better standard than this, hence the sighing.

EarthSight · 08/11/2021 20:55

Sorry I meant 'after the kids have left home'

EarthSight · 08/11/2021 20:57

@nocnoc

Oh yes. The looking after baby as a favour kind of guy. He wants thanking and gratitude all the time. I don’t know how you sort this out because I’m married to one like this and it’s just got worse over the years. We separated for a short while and he couldn’t do enough for me while he was gone. Even sent me flowers which was the first and only time that’s ever happened in twenty years. I’m thinking these kind of guys are best kept as exes to be honest. More chance of them trying.
@nocnoc Sad isn't it? Suddenly, magically, they become loving, interested and helpful.
EarthSight · 08/11/2021 21:13

@notsureconfused

Sorry for your losses BigSandy. DH hasn't lost anyone close to him so sadly I think he is just a bit of a knob. He bends over backwards for other people, feels sorry for them etc, this behaviour is just reserved for me it seems. It's so strange because in normal life he is caring, loving, affectionate etc. more so than me tbh, but as soon as I'm ill or incapacitated (like just had a Caesarean for example) he acts like it's such an inconvenience and he's somehow an injured party. I just want to be able to feel ill without him acting like he's worse off than me...I'm the one with Covid ffs!
This is such an awful lack of empathy and sympathy I don't know how you can stand him after that. He's made it very, very clear that you are 'failing' in your duty to be perfect. How can there be room for you and your baby in this relationship when the Number 1 spot seems permanently occupied by someone so navalgazingly self-pitying (and possibly sexist, immature and narcissistic).

You had a caesarean for fuck's sake. He needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a sulky boy.

EarthSight · 08/11/2021 21:15

@notsureconfused

I know Shoxfordian & right now I feel like telling him to shove off. The problem is that weirdly when I'm not ill, he's a completely normal and decent person 🤷‍♀️
Well yeah, that's because you're back to 100% capacity, which you should never, ever deviate from unless you want to be emotionally punished.
ESGdance · 08/11/2021 21:21

@RantyAunty

It's easy for him to have empathy for others as I would imagine he doesn't actually have to do anything or inconvenience himself.
This is just easy PR and vanity - it’s to make him look good rather than any care for the other person.
desperatehousewife21 · 08/11/2021 21:24

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

I remember a similar thread and someone remarked that the Dh saw the op as a household appliance and was irritated at her for having the audacity to ‘malfunction’.
Omg exactly this!!!!!! EXACTLY!
PieMistee · 08/11/2021 21:27

Does he not normally cook and look after his child?

PieMistee · 08/11/2021 21:27

If not get that sorted.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/11/2021 21:40

When I say isolating I mean being locked away in your bedroom with your meals and drinks brought up. This is exactly what I did so my DH didn't catch it. He was a diamond and looked after me well - he knows I would do the same for him.

smoko · 09/11/2021 02:50

“In sickness & in health” - if you truly believe he is only nice & kind when you’re well, that’s a big glaring problem.

Midlifemusings · 09/11/2021 02:58

Maybe he needs you to be okay so he always downplays everything because he doesn't want to ever think about you not being okay? Fear driven response?

smoko · 09/11/2021 03:32

@Midlifemusings that’s some mental gymnastics there. His attitude makes OP feel worse.

Usually the obvious answer is the answer - which is he doesn’t care the OP is unwell, he wants his wife appliance to perform as it should & shows resentment when having to take on lions share of parenting

Rather than he cares so much he can’t imagine his fear if she was seriously unwell so he pretends she isn’t due to being so overcome with concern & fear.

WTF475878237NC · 09/11/2021 06:18

It would make me feel so resentful that when I was well I would be far less accomodating until he (hopefully!) got the point. I think he's been allowed to get away with treating you like this so long he doesn't recognise how awful he's being.

Yusanaim · 09/11/2021 06:32

What was his parent's relationship like - did DM pander to the family??
Did she work or was she always avaiable?

IncompleteSenten · 09/11/2021 06:39

I'd guess you see the real him and Mr caring is the costume he wears to impress others. He doesn't feel he has to pretend he's a nice person for you because he's got you stuck with him plus it's easy to play Mr caring to outsiders as required, much harder to play it for your whole life.

MrsJackWhicher · 09/11/2021 07:11

My ex dh is just like this. He said ‘but you’re my wife ‘ and what he meant was that I was part of him so he treated me like I was him snd gave more kindness to others -which made a kind of weird logic but was infuriating. Do read ‘ Fortunes of War’ where the husband is just like that -quite illuminating!

Lollolloll · 09/11/2021 07:20

Are you always ill op?

I only ask as I have a friend who is always ill, never anything serious, but she is very dramatic with it. She’s a complete hypochondriac and is calling the gp for something every week. It dominates our conversations these days and is pretty frustrating to be honest.

Her dh is pretty ground down with her at times, you can tell.

It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here though, and that he is just an arse. Get well soon.

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 07:37

Sometimes I wonder if there is a cognitive dissonance when it comes to relationships with men.

Why do we expect them to take care of us when so many have never had to take care of anyone but themselves?

Even studies show that men are the ones likely to leave when their spouse has a major illness.

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