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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has empathy for everyone except me

57 replies

notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 16:42

I currently have covid and feel like crap. DH said 'it's just a cold'. This is a pattern throughout our marriage where if this was anyone else he'd be asking what he could do to help...but because it's me, even looking after his own children for a few days is a huge inconvenience. He manages to be a decent person in between times but as soon as I'm incapacitated for whatever reason, he's like this every time. I feel like he only cares about me when everything is ok but as soon as the chips are down, that's that. I'm really pissed off with him but don't know how to change things. I've tried talking to him but it just makes him feel more sorry for himself 😡

OP posts:
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 08/11/2021 16:59

My husband was exactly like that!!

When he was ill i would wait on him hand and foot, not very often ill tbh, but when i was ill with sciatica & loads of random things he acted annoyed and left me to my own devices. There wasnt much I could do about it but when i got better i had serious chats i can tell you! I told him i was sick of it and needed to know if i was ill again i needed to know that he would look after me. I also threatened to go to my mothers as she would look after me.
I was ill again with query cancer and he was a bit more concerned about that, but not overly so.
Im keeping an eye on his behaviour and if he is rubbish next time I am out of there. He has been warned.
Told him about our vows, in sickness or in health but am sure some men see illness as an inconvenience as they are not getting the attention for once! 😉

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2021 17:00

Do you bring it up when it happens or afterwards? I'd probably leave the discussion until you're well and he's back to "normal" but absolutely do NOT give him any slack in te. Rs of the expectations of him being a parent and parenting his own kids / keeping his own house clean et

sunnyzweibrucken · 08/11/2021 17:02

Unfortunately, I don't think he will change. I had an ex like this. Very sympathetic to/showed compassion for everyone but me. Altho I was always sympathetic/compassionate about anything ailing him. It made me grow to be very cold towards him. And years later no matter what I said about it he never changed.

HollowTalk · 08/11/2021 17:05

It's highly infectious, isn't it? If I were him I would treat you just how I wanted to be treated myself, when I caught it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/11/2021 17:05

I can be a bit like this and as I've got older I've realised it's a coping mechanism. I lost my dad quite young, and other close relatives, and I seem unable to accept anyone else being unwell, I have to pretend they're fine, as otherwise I revert to that scared child.

Sounds odd! Your DH could be similar, or could just be a bit of knob!

HollowTalk · 08/11/2021 17:24

What's he like when he's ill?

HerRoyalNotness · 08/11/2021 17:29

Repay in kind when he is ill. My H is the same or makes the right noises but doesn’t follow through. I had surgery this year and the painkillers incapacitated me, as well as the surgery. When I asked for some help I’d get sighs and tutting, then he wondered why I didn’t ask for help! He fucked off back to work as he was so stressed after a week, was glad to see the back of him.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 17:34

Sorry for your losses BigSandy. DH hasn't lost anyone close to him so sadly I think he is just a bit of a knob. He bends over backwards for other people, feels sorry for them etc, this behaviour is just reserved for me it seems. It's so strange because in normal life he is caring, loving, affectionate etc. more so than me tbh, but as soon as I'm ill or incapacitated (like just had a Caesarean for example) he acts like it's such an inconvenience and he's somehow an injured party. I just want to be able to feel ill without him acting like he's worse off than me...I'm the one with Covid ffs!

OP posts:
Ibizafun · 08/11/2021 17:35

Let’s hope you give it to him and can then repay the compliment.. Doesn’t sound as if he’s been close enough for you to give it to him though.

Umpapa · 08/11/2021 17:37

My partner is a bit like this! I am 15 weeks pregnant and when I was in the first trimester and feeling tired and rough, he would come home from work and say 'Poor Isobel had to go home early today, her morning sickness is really bad'... I am sat there like Hmm My day at work was great thanks!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 08/11/2021 17:38

My ex was like this, I was crawling on the floor with a burst ovarian cyst begging him to help me with toddler ds
You'll hear people in here minimising it in their own partner " he's scared deep down" or even they are undiagnosed autistic! etc
Imo it's a sign of being an arsehole
If you can't rely on your husband or partner when you need them , you might as well be single

Original poster
notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 17:39

Tbh he's hardly ever ill so it's hard to judge! He's only been off work ill once in the 18 years we've been together so maybe that's why he can't understand...He manages to have sympathy for others though so I know he's capable of it!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/11/2021 17:41

This is totally the wrong way round. He should be nicer to you when you’re not well. Why are you with someone who doesn’t care about you?

Original poster
notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 17:44

Sorry don'tforget that sounds awful. And I agree, it does make them an arsehole! My DH is looking after the kids (well, the baby. The other 2 are teens and self sufficient) but it's the sighs, the head in hands, the feeling sorry for himself, the being tired...I'm the one that's ill ffs, he's just looking after his child for a couple of days 😡

OP posts:
Original poster
notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 17:47

I know Shoxfordian & right now I feel like telling him to shove off. The problem is that weirdly when I'm not ill, he's a completely normal and decent person 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
fuckoffImcounting · 08/11/2021 17:48

Call him out on it every time if he tuts or sighs. Ask him for more help and call him out every time until it is more unpleasant for him to behave like this because he knows you will have a go at him - stop being nice.

Original poster
notsureconfused · 08/11/2021 17:58

@Umpapa

My partner is a bit like this! I am 15 weeks pregnant and when I was in the first trimester and feeling tired and rough, he would come home from work and say 'Poor Isobel had to go home early today, her morning sickness is really bad'... I am sat there like Hmm My day at work was great thanks!
That sounds exactly like something my DH would say!! Why are they like this???!!! 😡
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/11/2021 18:05

What if you’re ever seriously ill? He doesn’t sound like someone who wants to support you

Did he miss the sickness and in health part?

RantyAunty · 08/11/2021 18:24

It's easy for him to have empathy for others as I would imagine he doesn't actually have to do anything or inconvenience himself.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 08/11/2021 18:29

I remember a similar thread and someone remarked that the Dh saw the op as a household appliance and was irritated at her for having the audacity to ‘malfunction’.

HosannainExcelSheets · 08/11/2021 18:30

My exH was like this. When I was diagnosed with a life changing illness he became truly atrocious towards me. It was clear he was Oy a nice, decent person towards me when I was able to provide all "wife" services. He wasn't interested in looking after me at all if I wasn't functioning as a wife should.

I got all the minimising "scared deep down" and "undiagnosed autism" suggestions. Well, I supported him to find counselling to address his fears (he wouldn't go, no need apparently). Autism assessment was negative. He's now an ex because, when the chips where down, he didn't actually care about me.

HosannainExcelSheets · 08/11/2021 18:30

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

I remember a similar thread and someone remarked that the Dh saw the op as a household appliance and was irritated at her for having the audacity to ‘malfunction’.
Exactly this!
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/11/2021 18:32

@RantyAunty

It's easy for him to have empathy for others as I would imagine he doesn't actually have to do anything or inconvenience himself.
This.

He sounds like a selfish prick tbh OP.

DaisyNGO · 08/11/2021 18:37

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

I remember a similar thread and someone remarked that the Dh saw the op as a household appliance and was irritated at her for having the audacity to ‘malfunction’.
Sadly I think that sums it up

I had an ex - well, more like someone I dated for a short period - who was baffled that I have a couple of chronic illnesses because on the outside, he just saw a bit of tiredness.

I had known him from school and - maybe weirdly - really would have liked it to work because of shared history, but his attitude to illness was just appalling so I ended it very quickly.

Smiler79 · 08/11/2021 18:42

I couldn’t be with someone like this. What happens when you get old or if you got seriously ill, would be just be one of those guys that walks out? My dh is super caring when I’m ill and it’s one of the things I love the most about him

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