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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating..this puts me right off, am I being too harsh?

61 replies

PurpleSapphire · 08/11/2021 03:15

Not online dating as such but someone you already know in rl or have mutual friends etc (Need to mention that as it does change things, obviously they know i'm a real person, that my kids are real, i'm not secretly married etc).
I may appear online but I could be doing any number of things, cooking tea, talking to my kids about their day, sorting out bills, having a quick bath etc.
Example: guy messages me, I dont read or reply straight away. Messages again "aren't you speaking to me?" Then again "what have I done?" Then again "How rude are you, you're probably just leading me on blah blah".
It REALLY annoys me. Back off pal, if you're going to get so irate because I was cleaning up dog shit in the garden/having a wee/writing an email, you aren't the one for me.
It's not just one, over the years i've met a few like this but it's far worse now that someone can SEE i'm online. Online doesn't mean available to have a long conversation. My dc are young adults, they're in and out at college and work and i'm not about to ignore them if they come in from a late shift and want a chat. I do try to explain this to people but it seems to make no difference.

Is it just me? Should I be a little more understanding? It makes me feel on edge that if I dont reply promptly i'm going to get someone being off with me. I have tried the "Hi, will chat later busy at the mo" approach just to get a message a couple of hours later "why haven't you messaged back?".
When someone does this, I just don't want to bother with them.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 08/11/2021 03:18

I wouldn't want to bother with them either! View it as an early warning system.

Bogeyes · 08/11/2021 03:58

I agree with you.

Pommelhorse · 08/11/2021 03:59

I don't thing you are wrong to feel this way and all op. I totally get having to be available on a teen/young adult's schedule, and they usually need to talk to you at the most inconvenient time ever Grin and also it is surely reasonable to want to date someone who has as full and busy a life like you and have other stuff going on in their life as well as dating. If men are that impatient then they are probably just after one thing.

Why not make it clear at the beginning of any relationship and just say it straight that you lead a busy life, you have responsibilities, and you can't be doing with someone who is possessive and expects an immediate response all the time?

isthismylifenow · 08/11/2021 06:25

I ended a relationship because of this. It didn't start out this bad, but it got worse and worse. The last straw was when I had to go unlock the door as ds had come home and I chatted to him for about 15 mins when he got in. I came back to 10 messages of ? and where are you. To be then told how rude I am.

(tbh there were other glaring red flags that I chose to ignore..sigh)

If its this bad already, it won't get any better but worse.

Alpacahunter · 08/11/2021 06:33

Bin him. If he's this impatient and controlling at the start, imagine how bad it will get once he's comfortable.

I never reply to non-urgent messages straight away even if I have read them. I need time to think about my answer! I suspect its some sort of power play where they want you to be constantly available to them and thinking about them. Fuck that!

QforCucumber · 08/11/2021 06:37

Definitely not good!

However, also - I turned off my online status on WhatsApp and messenger, its been bloody brilliant!

updownroundandround · 08/11/2021 06:38

Totally agree OP, that kind of behavior is a HUGE turn off.

Do they really expect you to drop everything the moment they txt or email you ?? Hmm

Personally, I see it as a toddler tantrum. Them shouting ''Look at me !! Pay attention to ME !!'', which is such a massive turn off.

sarahc336 · 08/11/2021 06:40

I suspect this will only get worse op, I'd be running a mile xx

MimiDaisy11 · 08/11/2021 06:41

I agree with above that it’s an early warning so you’re better off that they’ve gone off in a huff over something silly like that.

I think most people know that you message once then wait for a reply even if it takes days. Otherwise you just come across badly

AlternativePerspective · 08/11/2021 06:43

I’d get rid.

But it’s interesting that there are often messages on here from posters saying that the bloke they’ve been dating hasn’t messaged them back even though they’ve been showing as online, and often they’re told “he’s just not into you, dump and block.” When actually, that kind of neediness would have me heading for the hills…

Bagelsandbrie · 08/11/2021 06:46

Instant block and delete from me. Can’t be doing with people who don’t understand sometimes I have stuff in real life to do.

isthismylifenow · 08/11/2021 07:04

@QforCucumber

Definitely not good!

However, also - I turned off my online status on WhatsApp and messenger, its been bloody brilliant!

The other person can still see when you are online though.

Not that it matters. I also only read urgent messages first (my dc always fall into this category as they don't message for chit chat) over any that are just general chat.

Notanotherchange · 08/11/2021 08:22

Run

Tumtitumtum · 08/11/2021 08:25

Ditto!!

Though I have to admit to “online” status stalking when I first started dating and taking it personally. Would never message but sit there and wind myself up about it.

I got a rather large grip on myself quite quickly!!

LawnFever · 08/11/2021 08:29

Sod this, you’re totally right to bin someone off who’s so needy, I’d be telling him exactly why before blocking him too.

Grimsknee · 08/11/2021 08:38

You're definitely not being too harsh. At best this is needy, at worst it's controlling.

HollowTalk · 08/11/2021 08:38

@isthismylifenow No, you can change it on WhatsApp so that nobody can see when you're online.

SierraJulietGolf · 08/11/2021 08:44

This is just saying he expects you to be looking at your phone 24/7 in case he has messaged you in order that you are able to reply to him immediately. This = I expect to be your priority, coming before anyone or anything else that is going on in your life. Insecure, needy and entitled behaviour .

Opentooffers · 08/11/2021 08:56

Yes these people do exist, but those are the ones to bin off. Take it as a red flag, they aren't worth your time. It shouldn't be a problem disappearing for a couple of hours or so. If someone disappears for a day or 2, however, without saying why, that's different.

Opentooffers · 08/11/2021 08:58

... and yes, turn your online status off, it helps.

HunkyPunk · 08/11/2021 09:49

[quote HollowTalk]@isthismylifenow No, you can change it on WhatsApp so that nobody can see when you're online.[/quote]
How do you do this? Can you also turn off whatever it is which lets people know you’ve read their message?

isthismylifenow · 08/11/2021 10:23

[quote HollowTalk]@isthismylifenow No, you can change it on WhatsApp so that nobody can see when you're online.[/quote]
How do you do this please? I can only see how to turn off the last seen setting. But then I still show online when in the app.

fumfspos · 08/11/2021 10:40

Bin anyone like that.
I was getting on quite well with this guy on OLD, wasn't really sure about him though. He seemed a bit over keen after only messaging for a couple of days.
Then I had a dental appointment (have to drive 4 hours to another country for it..) and had two fillings (without anaesthetic) and drove all the way back. He started messaging and all I really wanted to do was get into bed and go to sleep. My jaw was aching a bit. So I explained that to him and said I'd chat to him in the morning and goodnight.
I got an absolute load of diatribe back from him, you're not really interested, you're leading me on, you're not paying me any attention whatsoever, I thought this was going to be a wonderful relationship etcetc.
On it went without me responding.
I just blocked him. Not putting up with that sort of stuff.
I mean I know 2 fillings aren't the most dramatic thing in the world but really.... there was no need for all that.
Anyone like that will end up being a complete and utter nightmare in a relationship.

isthismylifenow · 08/11/2021 11:01

Can you also turn off whatever it is which lets people know you’ve read their message?

@HunkyPunk you can do that by turning off read receipts. But then you wont be able to see when someone has read your message either. They all stay grey ticked.

I have looked again and can't find how to turn off my online visibility whilst using the app. Maybe I need to upgrade to the newer version...

HunkyPunk · 08/11/2021 11:06

Thanks @isthismylifenow Smile