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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating..this puts me right off, am I being too harsh?

61 replies

PurpleSapphire · 08/11/2021 03:15

Not online dating as such but someone you already know in rl or have mutual friends etc (Need to mention that as it does change things, obviously they know i'm a real person, that my kids are real, i'm not secretly married etc).
I may appear online but I could be doing any number of things, cooking tea, talking to my kids about their day, sorting out bills, having a quick bath etc.
Example: guy messages me, I dont read or reply straight away. Messages again "aren't you speaking to me?" Then again "what have I done?" Then again "How rude are you, you're probably just leading me on blah blah".
It REALLY annoys me. Back off pal, if you're going to get so irate because I was cleaning up dog shit in the garden/having a wee/writing an email, you aren't the one for me.
It's not just one, over the years i've met a few like this but it's far worse now that someone can SEE i'm online. Online doesn't mean available to have a long conversation. My dc are young adults, they're in and out at college and work and i'm not about to ignore them if they come in from a late shift and want a chat. I do try to explain this to people but it seems to make no difference.

Is it just me? Should I be a little more understanding? It makes me feel on edge that if I dont reply promptly i'm going to get someone being off with me. I have tried the "Hi, will chat later busy at the mo" approach just to get a message a couple of hours later "why haven't you messaged back?".
When someone does this, I just don't want to bother with them.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 11:07

Example: guy messages me, I dont read or reply straight away. Messages again "aren't you speaking to me?" Then again "what have I done?" Then again "How rude are you, you're probably just leading me on blah blah".

Example: Purple messages back:
"Slow down buddy, & stop it entirely with the childish demands for constant attention. I have actual children to run around after, & you needling me to "report in" as if I were your staff & owe you my time is desperately unattractive."

It'll fuck him off but honestly - red flags all over that needy, entitled bullshit. Get rid of that one for sure - you're not being harsh to give a manipulative twat who thinks he should be your constant priority some hard boundaries.

thelegohooverer · 08/11/2021 11:09

Definitely. And it’s an easy one to filter out straight away.

supremelybaffled · 08/11/2021 11:17

How depressing. I mean, really? Do they expect you to drop everything when they click their fingers? Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

AnonyMum21 · 08/11/2021 13:17

I agree with PPs that sort of needy behaviour is a red flag when it’s a man/relationship and if - after explaining that real life takes priority over messages - it doesn’t stop then he should be dumped.
That’s quite an easy one.

I struggle with getting similar comments from family… incl DM (who is bored, and has too much time on her hands). They now know not to expect a prompt reply from me but I know it still p*s them off and are offended.
I can’t block/dump them - so I just have to try and be thick-skinned about it. Not everything about modern technology is good

PurpleSapphire · 17/11/2021 01:39

Well he was ok for a few days after I explained the situation YET AGAIN. Then tonight, I get one very blunt message saying he's off to bed. I said goodnight to him, (albeit a bit confused). He then responded to say he's waited all night for me to get in touch, purely because this morning i'd ended with "chat later". I replied that i'd been talking to a friend and then helping the dc with something. He ignored it.
I think i'll just tell him tomorrow that I dont think there's any point going on a date if he's going to be like this.
Someone i'm not even involved with shouldn't be making me feel down like this, i'm going to feel such a bitch telling him though, would have been much easier if he was a stranger not someone i've known over 10 years! Dreading it...I absolutely hate confrontation.

OP posts:
MarbleQueen · 17/11/2021 01:55

I think a lot of men do this whether you’re dating them or not. I had to bin off a long term male friend who was pestering in a similar way. I started to wonder if thought I should be providing a constant source of entertainment.

Halli2020 · 17/11/2021 01:59

Seems a bit controlling

PurpleSapphire · 17/11/2021 02:06

It makes me feel so rubbish about myself every time it happens! If i've told someone more than once then clearly they must think i'm a liar if they continue to make a fuss. I dont want to get involved with someone who already thinks i'm a liar, it's not really a good sign is it? Been there, done that and it did only get worse. Huge red flag!

OP posts:
cantgetmyheadroundit · 17/11/2021 02:08

I love your strong boundaries. Fuck him off.

Suzi888 · 17/11/2021 02:11

But it’s interesting that there are often messages on here from posters saying that the bloke they’ve been dating hasn’t messaged them back even though they’ve been showing as online, and often they’re told “he’s just not into you, dump and block.”- exactly what I was thinking Confused

Tinacollada · 17/11/2021 02:16

What a donkey.

Don't bother with him what a needy div !

Tinacollada · 17/11/2021 02:18

And Suzi not getting a reply is a completely different situation, this person is being a nag.

Rodion · 17/11/2021 02:28

Absolutely bin him off- sulking with someone you've only just started dating sounds like the beginning of a very unhealthy relationship.

But if you have friends in common and want to soften the blow a bit to make it less awkward maybe go with something like:

"I'm sensing a real mismatch in the amount of time each of us feels needs to go into this to make it go anywhere, and unfortunately I just don't have any more to give at the moment with my kids still about. I think it's best we go our separate ways now to avoid any hurt or disappointment. It's been nice getting to know you better the last couple of weeks though. All the best."

Suzi888 · 17/11/2021 02:36

@Tinacollada

And Suzi not getting a reply is a completely different situation, this person is being a nag.
Misses point entirely….
KosherDill · 17/11/2021 02:37

@Rodion

Absolutely bin him off- sulking with someone you've only just started dating sounds like the beginning of a very unhealthy relationship.

But if you have friends in common and want to soften the blow a bit to make it less awkward maybe go with something like:

"I'm sensing a real mismatch in the amount of time each of us feels needs to go into this to make it go anywhere, and unfortunately I just don't have any more to give at the moment with my kids still about. I think it's best we go our separate ways now to avoid any hurt or disappointment. It's been nice getting to know you better the last couple of weeks though. All the best."

That's very tactful.
PurpleSapphire · 17/11/2021 02:39

I saw that Suzi. Haven't seen those threads myself but most single men dont have their dc living with them so maybe we just automatically assume they can't be that busy on a night? Depends on time too, not answering a text for a few hours is nothing but when it gets to days then i'd think that person is flaky/not interested. I dont see my dd all day, she's at college and she's often out until 8/9 pm working so when she comes in I like to spend time with her, ds works different shifts so it's when our paths cross. I dont have any kind of routine where there's a set time for me to be able to chat, every day is different. This dating lark is too much like hard work Grin

OP posts:
Sakurami · 17/11/2021 02:46

Gosh no, I couldn't be doing with that. I can show online for hours but I may be working or chatting to family or looking up things online with my kids or just not in the mood for a chat or too busy.

Pick a different person who is secure enough to have a respectful loving relationship without control and emotional blackmail.

PurpleSapphire · 17/11/2021 03:10

Exactly Sakurami, i'm a grown adult. I don't have to report to anyone what i'm doing every minute of the day!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 17/11/2021 03:11

It's horribly annoying to know people like this, I would back off big time.

nomorefrogs · 17/11/2021 03:12

Maybe you could view it as a good early warning system whereby men self-select/remove themselves as options when this sort of dickish behaviour happens. I would not want to mean this clown in person.

FinallyHere · 17/11/2021 03:18

Should I be a little more understanding

Absolutely not.

How rude are you, you're probably just leading me on blah blah

This would be a deal breaker for me in any circumstance.

Eesha · 17/11/2021 06:26

Agree with a previous poster who mentioned other threads where the roles were reversed and if the guy didn't reply quickly for whatever reason, he was binned as just not into the woman rather than busy/not a texter. However OP, if he's chasing you and making you feel suffocated, then get rid.

ChaToilLeam · 17/11/2021 06:44

I can’t be doing with this kind of demanding behaviour. My DM does this , late at night when I’m actually just about to go to bed (we are in different time zones and she just cannot get her head round that). It immediately infuriates me.

layladomino · 17/11/2021 09:49

Yeah I couldn't do with that.

It shows they are demanding, selfish, childish. And not at all worried about your feelings, so don't worry about his.

Consider it an early warning system for someone who would turn out to be a demanding and possibly controlling partner.

Ema52 · 17/11/2021 11:46

@PurpleSapphire

Exactly Sakurami, i'm a grown adult. I don't have to report to anyone what i'm doing every minute of the day!
You aren't harsh at all. It will get worse take notice of the red flags.