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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know how to say it

76 replies

Couldyouhelpme · 07/11/2021 20:15

DH’s mum and brother live with us. It’s been 18 months and I just can’t do it anymore. The environment is so bloody sour and awkward. I don’t know how to tell him I need them to go. They pay no rent or bills, his brother doesn’t work and Mil works part time so they do t really have anywhere else to go. I would be happy to downsize if it meant he had to cover their rent. We have one DC and another on the way and I can’t have them growing up in such a toxic environment. Sad

OP posts:
AdventureCode · 07/11/2021 20:58

Why are they living with you?

Pumpkinsonparade · 07/11/2021 20:59

New baby on the way is a perfect time to tell them you need your home back.
Dh needs to give them a date to be gone by.

ravenmum · 07/11/2021 21:01

You don't know how to tell him, i.e. your husband, not them?
So you mean that your dh wants them there?

Perpetualnoise · 07/11/2021 21:01

Why are they living with you?
What's your husband doing about it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2021 21:02

How’s DH feeling about it? Are you overcrowded? It sounds fucking awful. Did you agree to them moving in or was it landed on you? What was the reason they did and why was there no agreed timeframe?

A lot of that affects how you get them out.

Nellesbelles · 07/11/2021 21:06

Is there a reason your DH feels he needs to subsidise his family? I would expect them to be getting work and saving to move out. My DM moved in with my DH and I when she was going through a tough time a few years back but ai told her she needed to be working and saving if she wasn't paying any money towards bills etc. She did and she moved out 8 months later when we were starting a family.

LettertoHermoine · 07/11/2021 21:18

That sounds like a horrendous situation, I would lose my mind. You need to be upfront with your hubby and tell him how you feel. That must be an awful strain on you.

Original poster
Couldyouhelpme · 07/11/2021 21:37

They moved in around 18 months ago due to BIL losing his job from covid and they couldn’t afford their rent. It’s honestly horrendous. BIL acts like a baby. MIL does all of his laundry/cooking/fetches him glasses of water. He doesn’t get out of bed. They refuse to do anything without the other, it’s honestly really strange. He is in his 40s and completely NT.

We’re not overcrowded yet but will be once the new baby is old enough to have their own bedroom. I just feel totally miserable. DH feels a weird guilt with them, I don’t fully understand it tbh but he allows them to treat me like shit. If I say anything to him he shouts at me. DH is honestly the most gentle soul ever, this is the one thing that really makes him angry so i feel like I can’t bring it up. He doesn’t care that they don’t do anything or contribute anything, he often makes excuses for them. It was supposed to be temporary and he told me if I wasn’t happy after 6 months they would be gone. Here we still are and I’m beginning to realise there is actually no end in sight. In his culture it’s normal for families to live together in one house so I feel a little tricked into it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Couldyouhelpme · 07/11/2021 21:38

So I guess my real question is how do I actually word it. Anything I say will result in me getting my head bitten off. I am not a shouter and really don’t like confrontation due to an abusive childhood so I tend to push my feelings down, but it’s completely unbearable now.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 07/11/2021 21:39

Ah, so that was his plan all along.
Do you have family nearby ?

Original poster
Couldyouhelpme · 07/11/2021 21:42

I do, about an hour and a half away. DH will not allow DC to stay at my mums, which I do understand as she is a hoarder. Apart from her I have no one else, especially not with a toddler and a imminent newborn Sad

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 07/11/2021 21:42

I think however you word it, it's not going to land well so you might as well be blunt and get your point across.

'Dh, your dm and db need to be gone before the end of November or I'm leaving'

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/11/2021 21:42

"Now the baby is nearly here, we obviously need you to sort out where you're going to move to as we won't have enough space for you to stay here anymore. We also have been paying for the cost of two extra adults in our home. Could you let us know your plan of action to be moved by (enter the month before baby due date here) as we don't want things to be awkward nearer the time as we will obviously have enough on our plate!"

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/11/2021 21:43

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

I think however you word it, it's not going to land well so you might as well be blunt and get your point across.

'Dh, your dm and db need to be gone before the end of November or I'm leaving'

Also this - you need him to step up. He's a father, your partner and soon to be a father of two.

He had the balls to make his kids... now he needs to prioritise them!

Chubbycatt · 07/11/2021 21:44

DH is honestly the most gentle soul ever, this is the one thing that really makes him angry so i feel like I can’t bring it up.

That doesn't make sense. He's clearly not a gentle soul. Sounds like he's nice when he gets what he wants and not nice to you when he doesn't.

Winniemarysarah · 07/11/2021 21:46

He’s the most gentle soul apart from when he’s abusing you?

oviraptor21 · 07/11/2021 21:47

Will DH 'agree' to them going? If not, you have a DH problem and need to spell it out to him that if they don't go then you will.

Bananalanacake · 07/11/2021 21:48

Is bil looking for work, how do they pay towards food, really cheeky to expect you to cover it.

me4real · 07/11/2021 21:50

he allows them to treat me like shit. If I say anything to him he shouts at me.

This is abuse. And it's your home, you should feel happy and relaxed there.

As to him 'not allowing' the DC to be at your mum's- so...he gets to have his way when he doesn't want something, but it doesn't cut both ways. [anger]

OverweightPidgeon · 07/11/2021 21:50

I really think you need to start making plans to leave, if this is cultural thing then I don’t think you will get them to move out.
Awful situation and if I were you I would have lost respect for my husband over this.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/11/2021 21:51

Never mind 'he won't allow...' He doesn't get to lay the law down to you when he's broken his own word. If he's just shouting you down action is needed. Pack up and go to your mum's when he's out. Tell him you'll consider coming back when you are no longer made to feel like an outsider in your own home. I wouldn't warn him you are about to leave given the nasty turn he's taken.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/11/2021 21:52

he allows them to treat me like shit. If I say anything to him he shouts at me

Your husband isn't just allowing them to abuse you.

HE is abusing you.

Your children shouldn't have to grow up in an abusive household whether there's one person abusing you or three.

pinkblood · 07/11/2021 21:53

Simple if you and the kids leave or they do.

pinkblood · 07/11/2021 21:53

Its*

Boatonthehorizon · 07/11/2021 22:02

Is he Chinese?
Hard to fight cultural expectations. Even on here I could be banned for this post. Tricky mentioning 'culture'.
I lived 20 years in HK is why I think I have an idea.