I don’t know how to say it

[Couldyouhelpme]

DH’s mum and brother live with us. It’s been 18 months and I just can’t do it anymore. The environment is so bloody sour and awkward. I don’t know how to tell him I need them to go. They pay no rent or bills, his brother doesn’t work and Mil works part time so they do t really have anywhere else to go. I would be happy to downsize if it meant he had to cover their rent. We have one DC and another on the way and I can’t have them growing up in such a toxic environment.

I'd never normally advise on issuing an ultimatum, but it does seem like the only thing you've got left here.

Don't discuss it with your husband, tell him straight - they need to be gone before baby arrives, not negotiable. So what if he kicks off and threatens to tell them that you're kicking them out? At that point you respond "it's fine, I'll tell them myself."

Give them a deadline, so everyone knows where things are at, and gives them a chance to find their feet. That way you aren't making them homeless, they're choosing to make themselves homeless if they don't sort themselves out.

I naively thought we were very similar culture wise, it definitely seemed that way at the beginning!

It often does - as with "they'll be gone in 6 months if you're unhappy" they put up a good show to start with, but that slips with time, marriage and kids (and since he kept his mum before you came along, it's likely this was the plan all along)

I suspect the only real answer will be to split; you could try saying either they leave or you do, but you've said yourself he'll never put you first so sadly it seems hopeless

I spoke to him. Basically said I was reaching my limit I need an end in sight. He said the only reason I’m feeling like this is because I’m pregnant. I asked him to not use the pregnancy against me, it really has nothing to do with it. Even if hormones are making my feelings more intense, they still exist in some capacity. He gave the old excuse of “my brother is seriously mentally ill”, bullshit. He’s just bloody lazy. When I had my DC, I was seriously mentally ill. He was very cruel during this period and I felt very alone. Where were my allowances for my mental health? God I feel sick, heart is pounding. I was right about him shouting but I stood my ground and he said he will speak to them. I bet he won’t though.

You need serious practical planning on splitting. You will almost certainly need to implement it but it's also the only thing that may convince him that he isn't going to get his own way.

Id be very factual. You are not being unreasonable you are fighting for a
Home for your family. Dig in!

I am going to move in with
Mum on date x should we not have a resolution by then. Ill be spending the next x weeks prepping For that. Id much prefer to stay here with you and be a family. And i realise that requires you to have some difficult conversations and be torn. But our current situation is not a long term option and has gone on longer then agreed. Repeat.

If he shouts. Or people silent treat you. Be open. Don't have him misrepresent you or what you are saying. Let them hear it. In a non confrontational way. 'Im really glad we have been able to support you for the last 18 months but i now need to put new baby first and be a family unit again. I love you both very much but as adults we all need our space and thats all this is'.

Even if his brother was mentally ill that would not be any reason for him to live with you. It's unfortunate that him and his mum have been down on their luck, but there are systems in place in the UK to support them with that, if that is the issue.

You were kind to agree to six months with them - many people would have refused at that point. You've offered him the alternative of downsizing and paying for their accommodation. You have been patient, generous and reasonable. Not driven by your hormones at all. You've done your best to come to a compromise. Time to do something else.

OP - he is not going to change anything - he is not going to move his family out of your home ever - no chance - you need to leave as soon as you can before he can start bullshitting and confusing you, and do so before baby comes along!

He sounds like a very bad match for you and the mil and bil sound like a witch and a troll. GTFOutta there.

@Pascal80

OP - he is not going to change anything - he is not going to move his family out of your home ever - no chance - you need to leave as soon as you can before he can start bullshitting and confusing you, and do so before baby comes along! He sounds like a very bad match for you and the mil and bil sound like a witch and a troll. GTFOutta there.

Exactly They are not going anywhere Op

I’d call Women's Aid if I were you, this is a toxic, abusive relationship.

I just think you need to go op, take your child and go stay with your mum. Tell him you aren’t coming back while they are there, but think carefully re going back - you say you had mental health issues pregnant with dc1 and he was awful, and here he is making everything your fault. Also, if he says I said dc can’t stay with your mum, you say you also said if I wasn’t happy your mum and brother would go so how am I to know what you mean and what is just lies? I say my child can’t stay in that house with your mum and brother and I’m not bringing a baby home to that house either. Or did you think you are the only one who can make any rules??

Also if he was cruel to you post partum he is NOT gentle soul who is only ever upset about his family. He is not a good person. His family is awful. You need to make plans to get away.

Op is there somewhere else you could stay for now to avoid the atmosphere

I would have told my DH that it’s them or me long before this point. Then I would find a new place to live.

I have read your updates.

You are in an emotionally violent relationship currently. This abusive coercive control and gaslighting is causing your emotional well-being to founder.

You are at risk of PND and that is not good for either of your babies.

Your DH is invalidating, minimising and silencing your very being - your experience, feelings, emotions and behaviour.

This is no way for you to live or for your babies to be exposed to.

You have already asked - he has refused and insulted you.

Don’t ask again. Get support emotional and practical to leave - and then to recover from this mess.

I don’t think taking on your DM, her hoarding and her own obvious MH issues is what you need right now. YOU need support and your babies need you emotionally healthy and balanced in a calm and peaceful home.

Speak to your GP. You don’t realise that you are in a very abusive and vulnerable position.

Your DH will not change. He is enmeshed and now neurologically programmed to put his FOO ahead of you and his children. He has shown you that’s what he does and believes in his words and actions.

You and your babies deserve way way more than this.

DH is honestly the most gentle soul ever

he allows them to treat me like shit. If I say anything to him he shouts at me.

Anything I say will result in me getting my head bitten off.

DH will not allow DC to stay at my mums

He has said before he would fight for full custody, but he travels and works A LOT so he would expect MIL to care for DC

He will shout, loud enough for them to hear and then say something dramatic like “ok I’ll tell them they have to get out now and they will be homeless because of you” and they will hear it all and will then involve themselves in the fight and it will be 3 against 1.

he told them I was kicking them out and I got given the silent treatment by everyone for weeks.

I have brought it up before and he becomes very defensive and angry.

He insults my family.

How the fuck is this man a “gentle soul”, exactly, @Couldyouhelpme???

We spoke some more about it today and he again palmed me off. I just said “I want you to remember this moment that I came to you and told you it was too much, so later down the line when I leave you know why and you can’t fight against it” and ended the conversation. That must have frightened him because BIL is leaving in 2 weeks to stay with his friend. No signs of MIL leaving though, he seems to think that once BIL is gone MIL won’t be as lazy and (sorry to say) annoying as she is now. Time will tell. I don’t really know how I feel. A bit meh I think. It’s only 50% of the problem. I doubt BILs friend will allow him to slob about all day so maybe he will find work and move out and MiL can to and live with him. What do you guys think? I mean I guess I have to wait and see if he actually leaves or if this has just been said to placate me. As I type this MIL is cleaning BILs room while he lies in bed.

@PromisesMeanNothingSue

DH is honestly the most gentle soul ever

he allows them to treat me like shit. If I say anything to him he shouts at me.

Anything I say will result in me getting my head bitten off.

DH will not allow DC to stay at my mums

He has said before he would fight for full custody, but he travels and works A LOT so he would expect MIL to care for DC

He will shout, loud enough for them to hear and then say something dramatic like “ok I’ll tell them they have to get out now and they will be homeless because of you” and they will hear it all and will then involve themselves in the fight and it will be 3 against 1.

he told them I was kicking them out and I got given the silent treatment by everyone for weeks.

I have brought it up before and he becomes very defensive and angry.

He insults my family.

How the fuck is this man a “gentle soul”, exactly, @Couldyouhelpme???

OP can you read this post back and understand that your husband is NOT a gentle soul. At all.

He's actively unkind to you, actively facilitates you being upset, actively enables you to be bullied in your own home and believes that you should do as you are told.

Please tell us you can see that this isn't the behaviour of a gentle soul, loving partner or good dad - if he's treating the mother of his children this way.

I think you should carry on with your plan to leave him because you’re not his priority and you never will be

I guess I have to wait and see if he actually leaves or if this has just been said to placate me

Very insightful of you, OP. Even if he leaves at all I doubt it will last long when the "friend" gets fed up of his ways, and then MIL/DH will whine that it's damaging his MH and he really must come back

From all you've said I struggle to believe DH is "frightened" at all; if he was, his mother would be going too. However he now has an ace in being able to say "I chucked my brother out for you!!" - and he'll no doubt use it to make you out to be the unreasonable one should you ever dare to ask for anything else

I suggest continuing with your plan to separate. Whatever happens now, your husband has showed you that his mum's, and brother's, comfort and wellbeing are more important to him than yours and your childrens.

He's hoodwinked you in to them moving in. He shouts at your when he doesn't get his way. He gangs up on you with these people. He allows his mum and brother to be rude to you. He doesn't care what all this is doing to you and your child/ren.

He isn't a good husband or father and you would be better off without him.

Please keep talking to us.

You deserve so much better than the dregs you are getting.

There’s nothing kind and gentle about this guy. It’s really important you leave this environment before baby is born, why don’t you just go now and you can come back , if you think coming back is a good idea, once they are both gone??

He’s just thrown you a bone to distract you for 2 weeks. Even if he moved them both out by midnight you should not stay in this relationship for your MH and that of your DCs.

You are in an emotionally violent relationship.

You need to keep researching your plans. Don’t waste your breath or headspace hoping or trying to convince him.

This is what he is capable of - emotional violence. He can and will inflict it at any point in the future.

Other men are not capable of his level of cruelty and abuse. Know that it’s not acceptable or normal.

@Couldyouhelpme

We spoke some more about it today and he again palmed me off. I just said “I want you to remember this moment that I came to you and told you it was too much, so later down the line when I leave you know why and you can’t fight against it” and ended the conversation. That must have frightened him because BIL is leaving in 2 weeks to stay with his friend. No signs of MIL leaving though, he seems to think that once BIL is gone MIL won’t be as lazy and (sorry to say) annoying as she is now. Time will tell. I don’t really know how I feel. A bit meh I think. It’s only 50% of the problem. I doubt BILs friend will allow him to slob about all day so maybe he will find work and move out and MiL can to and live with him. What do you guys think? I mean I guess I have to wait and see if he actually leaves or if this has just been said to placate me. As I type this MIL is cleaning BILs room while he lies in bed.

That wouldn't change a thing for me. I would make plans to leave asap and definitely before new baby comes.

Good god OP, I would have gone insane months ago. It sounds absolutely miserable for you and utterly suffocating. Your husband has no respect for you whatsoever, and doesn't seem to acknowledge your needs and views at all.

I agree with others - this changes nothing. Crack on with your plans to get out of there and move in with your mum. Yes, things will be tough, but you won't be walking on eggshells in your own home with two lazy sods and a husband who doesn't care about you. Please keep posting, you're doing well

Are you on the tenancy/mortgage? If not, your DP can ask you to leave, effectively making you homeless at which point you can look into benefits/emergency accommodation. So unfair, but your DP isn’t going to change, nor is the situation and his prioritising of his mother rather than you.