I don’t know how to say it

[Couldyouhelpme]

DH’s mum and brother live with us. It’s been 18 months and I just can’t do it anymore. The environment is so bloody sour and awkward. I don’t know how to tell him I need them to go. They pay no rent or bills, his brother doesn’t work and Mil works part time so they do t really have anywhere else to go. I would be happy to downsize if it meant he had to cover their rent. We have one DC and another on the way and I can’t have them growing up in such a toxic environment.

''In his culture it’s normal for families to live together in one house so I feel a little tricked into it all.''

It also sounds like in his culture, his mother's job is to run around after her grown-up, useless son like a servant.

It sounds like your opinion is not a priority to your DH.

So many red flags OP.

Look into their ''culture'' more and see what is likely to happen for you down the line. He isn't going to put them out of your house is he? You are going to be living with two infants, two useless adults and one husband who won't stick up for you. Who will be the carer of DH's mum or brother if they got ill? Guess who.

Is he South Asian?

I suppose there's no easy way to say it OP. It's a sucky situation whichever way you cut it. I do agree with pp, he needs a wake up call. You're not happy and all that stress might be affecting your baby. You need to say something, if not for yourself then for your children.

He isn't going to put them out of your house is he? You are going to be living with two infants, two useless adults and one husband who won't stick up for you. Who will be the carer of DH's mum or brother if they got ill? Guess who.

This.

Don't have your children grow up in a home where they are taught that it's a woman's job to serve.

That they should do so even if it's not right for them, not convenient, not fair and not right.

Please. Break the cycle.

Ask your husband if he would be happy to live the life he wants you to live. He'll either say no or say yes, if I was a woman.

It's HIS culture. Fine. He didn't marry and have kids with someone who shares that culture and is happy with its traditions.

He married you. You arent happy with them. Few women would be. He is prioritising everyone else over you and your children. His wife and his children.

He's at best spineless and a coward. At worst (and most likely) he shares misogynist views engrained in him.

Please don't make your kids grow up thinking this is an acceptable dynamic.

Op, it isn’t going to get better.
You will be stuck with them for years.
You will never get your home back
So what are you going to do about it?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He isn't going to put them out of your house is he? You are going to be living with two infants, two useless adults and one husband who won't stick up for you. Who will be the carer of DH's mum or brother if they got ill? Guess who.

This.

Don't have your children grow up in a home where they are taught that it's a woman's job to serve.

That they should do so even if it's not right for them, not convenient, not fair and not right.

Please. Break the cycle.

Ask your husband if he would be happy to live the life he wants you to live. He'll either say no or say yes, if I was a woman.

It's HIS culture. Fine. He didn't marry and have kids with someone who shares that culture and is happy with its traditions.

He married you. You arent happy with them. Few women would be. He is prioritising everyone else over you and your children. His wife and his children.

He's at best spineless and a coward. At worst (and most likely) he shares misogynist views engrained in him.

Please don't make your kids grow up thinking this is an acceptable dynamic.

This

Sounds bloody awful. I’d be tearing my hair out. Poor you.

@OverweightPidgeon

I really think you need to start making plans to leave, if this is cultural thing then I don’t think you will get them to move out. Awful situation and if I were you I would have lost respect for my husband over this.

Start gathering documents and hiding away some cash. Go online and find out what your benefits will be and check with your housing authority about being housed with your children. After you have a plan in place, then you face your husband and tell him his family must go so that your children will have a comfortable and happy home. If he yells and refuses to consider it, he is telling you he has made his choice. So you walk out and take your children.

OP - if you decided to leave your husband, do you think that his cultural heritage would make it likely that he would try to fight you for full custody? Also OP - it is not kind at all to have a DH that shouts at you or makes you feel anxious to raise a subject - not kind at all. You sound lovely and I am rather worried about your situation tbh.

DH is white African. I only mention the white part because when we first got together I naively thought we were very similar culture wise, it definitely seemed that way at the beginning! It was only when a lovely Nigerian lady I work with tried to warn me off once I mentioned his family were moving in ‘temporarily’.

I think you are all right, I feel utterly miserable and the very fact I feel unable to broach the subject is very telling. They will always come first.

He has said before he would fight for full custody, but he travels and works A LOT so he would expect MIL to care for DC which I’m assuming no court would allow. I can’t have that woman raising my DC. She’s racist, sexist and has in the past made comments about DCs weight.

No idea why I’ve decided now it’s too much; it couldn’t be a worser time

Oh dear, you really are in a pickle. But do not panic, you need to play the long game.
Do you have any other family ?
You could ring Women’s Aid for a chat and to run your circumstances past them.

@Couldyouhelpme what a horrible situation. I think you should see a solicitor and find out exactly what your rights would be if you did leave. Better to know how you stand, and doesn’t commit you to anything.

The thing is Op if you say nothing, you’re miserable and if you do say something, yes it may be unpleasant with possible arguments but at least you know exactly where you stand and can make plans accordingly.

He can't tell you not to take dc to your dm's. Effectively you are a prisoner to his family. Stuff that.
Start planning op. Either they leave or you do.
And mean it. When mw is coming daily she will see the discomfort you are living in.

You have done the right thing posting here. You cannot raise your DCs in a toxic environment - they will absorb and internalise everything including your unspoken frustrations, anger, hurt, despair - this will be very confusing and distressing for your DCs and will impact their emotional development and stability.

This situation has to end.

How and when is the detail.

You should investigate all your options privately about separation. Be clear what your rights, options, choices, timelines processes etc are.

Once you have this information even if the alternative is not as financially or logistically comfortable as you are presently (assuming that there is some financial slack as you must have a 4 bed property now) - your DCs emotional future (and yours) will be much richer and stable by living in a calm and peaceful home.

You just need to know that the current situation is not sustainable for you and that there is a way out - when the timing and arrangements best suit you.

Once you have done all of your research you could then approach your DH with the following 3 pieces of information.

1. A requirement to move his DM and DB out.
2. With a clear deadline.
3. A clear consequence if this deadline isn’t met - you will be divorcing.

Ignore any banter about custody that’s just more bullying threats and bluster and carry on with your well researched plan.

Maybe he is angry because he is aware of the toxicity and himself feels trapped and overwhelmed by them and culturally. If he could admit to that you have a chance of saving your marriage. If not you need to take responsibility for moving your DCs out of this mess as soon as is possible for you.

It must be overwhelming to consider single parenting but it will be much easier than your current set up.

Seek professional emotional support though low cost counselling or charities to keep you on track. Do you have friends IRL to lean on?

He is not a gentle soul if he shouts at you.
He is an extremely defensive soul. Shouting is a defence mechanism to avoid having a discussion.
He doesn't have your back.
He has his own back.
He's bringing his family of origin dynamics to a new house and expecting you to ignore what he has been trained to ignore.

He is your husband and if you cannot open your hearth to him without him listening to you with love and respect (even if he doesn’t always agree) then you are not in a healthy marriage.

I would say “DH, I married you out of love and because I wanted us to be a family, you me and our children. I am glad we have been able to help BIL snd MIL out but this cannot be a permanent solution. It will be possible for them to get benefits so they can fund their own place. Maybe we can help with a deposit.

I know you care about your family, but in truth they do bring a bad atmosphere into the house and I don’t think this is good for the children. Can we please make a plan and a timetable for them to live elsewhere before the baby arrives”

And if he reacts angrily or aggressively, take your child and go to your Mum’s.

Watch some videos on how to raise a subject with an extremely defensive person.

My parents decided amongst themselves that there would be no discussion with me and they have decided that anything I say is a grudge or an accusation. They can give me the silent treatment indefinitely while still feeling like the victims of me.

So don't underestimate the delusion that comes with defensiveness.

He is mired in his family dynamics.

He is enmeshed in his family of origin and he has to please them

Displeasing them to please you is going to be a shift that he has to consciously decide to do no matter how uncomfortable it is for him.

I'd start by saying you want to know what he thinks. Try and get some truth out of him. Work up gradually to making it clear that he will have to choose, if you put the house up for sale because you're divorcing, he'll be back in the bosom of his family of origin forever.

Maybe he wants that.

It isn't the worst time to confront this, it's the best time.

In focusing on your children's needs you are realising that the situation is untenable. That's a good thing. Sometimes we can muster the courage to fight for our children even if we can't do it for ourselves.

You have realised this situation must end, well done.

Now you can begin to make a plan. You don't have to resolve this overnight, take a big of time to investigate options and seek some professional advice. Keep it close to your chest so as to avoid any ructions within the family.

Gradually you will piece together a route out of this. It may seem impossible but a lot of women have been where you are and gone on to a better life. I won't pretend it'll be easy but I can assure you it will never be as difficult as the situation you are already in.

Keep posting, the more you talk it through the more everything will make sense. You can do this.

What about writing Dh an email? Lay out the reasons why they need to leave. Bullet point everything, like how they treat you, the fact they are not contributing and the lack of space once your baby arrives. It will remove some of the emotion and hopefully he will see that he is at risk of losing his wife if he doesn’t sort something out.

I’m taking all your advice on board and going to do some research into benefits and things now. I don’t think I will qualify for social housing as I haven’t lived in this area for long enough. I think it has to be 5 years or something. I could move in with my mum and make plans to clear out of house professionally while I wait. It will be cramped but at least I won’t be tiptoeing around anyone! I thought it was totally normal to not be able to broach some subjects with your DH, it’s obviously not!

My angst about bringing it up is that they are always here. They never go out. He will shout, loud enough for them to hear and then say something dramatic like “ok I’ll tell them they have to get out now and they will be homeless because of you” and they will hear it all and will then involve themselves in the fight and it will be 3 against 1. It’s happened before (after about 6 months) where he told them I was kicking them out and I got given the silent treatment by everyone for weeks. I don’t dislike them, I would probably struggle to live with anyone who isn’t my immediate family! And I’m sure they don’t like me either, that’s the feeling I get anyway.

MIL never wanted this. she lived with him prior to us meeting. He bought and paid for everything she could ever want and she never needed to worry about money. Then I came along and so did dc1 and that all changed. The shopping trips ended but he still gave them ££££ whenever they needed/asked. You should have seen her face when he told her about the baby, it was like she had been stung by a bee in her mouth. She hates me.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I have brought it up before and he becomes very defensive and angry. He insults my family. I’m beginning to realise that there’s no choice here, for him he will always choose them. So I need to make a plan, ideally before this little bean makes an appearance.

Could you go out to a cafe with him and raise it there?

He's putting them first, before his wife and children's well-being. Not good OP. You've got to get tough - are you really considering moving in with your mum? Could be a good interim option IF she'll let you get the place cleared up first.
He needs to know you're not a doormat - once he gets this he might be shocked into realising you mean more to him. If not, well, you know where you stand. You sound much, much stronger than you seem to think you are by the way.

Eek, this sounds suffocating @Couldyouhelpme. You need to tell him it’s not working for you, if he starts to shout at you about it or emotionally abuse you then you leave.