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Original poster

My partner says he wants to have a baby but doesn't try

64 replies

Ljane04 · 07/11/2021 17:59

I need some advice as don't know what to do now and feeling very ill with it all.

I'm 38 and my partner is 53 and we have been together for 2 years. He says he wants to have a baby but is reluctant to try as he is insecure and thinks that as soon as I get pregnant I will leave him as he wants me to love him for him.

He said we could start trying in July and now we are in November and he is still reluctant. We have been arguing a lot lately as it is really starting to get to me, I am 38 and time is running out for me but he doesn't seem to understand. I love him with all my heart but his insecurities are driving us apart.

Time is running out for me and don't know what to do - either stay with him and hope he comes round or consider doing it alone using a donor. Please help :-)

OP posts:
HazelandChacha · 07/11/2021 18:07

he is still reluctant

So stop trying to persuade him. He doesn’t want to try for children.
I think you need to make a decision about not having children or going it alone.

Leicat · 07/11/2021 18:09

Has he already got children? Sounds like he is delaying because he doesn’t want a baby and knows that you don’t have so many fertile years left.

CorrBlimeyGG · 07/11/2021 18:10

either stay with him and hope he comes round or consider doing it alone using a donor.

Are you with him because you want to be, or because you want a baby?

JovialNickname · 07/11/2021 18:21

Honestly OP - 53 year olds don't want to have children. New babies I mean, they just don't. Either he's had a family so has big children already; or he's never wanted any which is why he's decided to be a 53 year old bachelor. There's a reason these big age gap relationships don't work; he's grandad age and doesn't want screaming brats and dirty nappies; you're young and female and you do. Make whatever choice you like but this is your reality x

AliasGrape · 07/11/2021 18:27

@CorrBlimeyGG

either stay with him and hope he comes round or consider doing it alone using a donor.

Are you with him because you want to be, or because you want a baby?

I always knew I wanted children. I was very clear about that to DH. I love my DH and wanted to be with him but part of that was because we wanted the same thing - ie to build a family together. If he kept putting it off, stringing me along and refusing to try because ‘he wanted me to love him for him’ I would probably have left him on the grounds we didn’t want the same thing.

OP it is strange what he is accusing you of - the cliche is that men worry women are trying to trap them by getting pregnant, rare for them to worry that you’ll leave as soon as you are pregnant. Is there anything behind this fear do you think, can he explain why he feels that way. Because viewed from the outside it’s quite manipulative and emotional blackmail-like - you have to give up the thing you really want and waste your last fertile years to prove you really want him for him??

I’d definitely be thinking about going alone to be honest, though that was my plan anyway and had already had my initial appointments
when I met DH. In the end it took us 4 years (and help) to conceive and that was starting at 36, you really don’t have time to waste. I’d start with a very serious very honest chat with your partner and then start from there, don’t be fobbed off or diverted down a ‘woe is me I’m so insecure’ path - I’d tell him that you’ve been very patient but you want to start ttc now and if he’s not ready for that you need to know so you can make an informed decision about your future. Best case scenario he genuinely is insecure and worried about having children (his age maybe?) and that’s something you can work on together, worst case he’s fully aware what he’s doing and is giving with one hand telling you he does want the same as you just to keep you there whilst using these so called insecurities as a cop out but one you can’t really question because he’s putting you on a position of feeling you need to ‘prove’ that you’re genuine and not just after some handy sperm when actually he’s the one not being genuine.

todaysdilemma · 07/11/2021 18:29

He says he wants to have a baby but is reluctant to try as he is insecure and thinks that as soon as I get pregnant I will leave him as he wants me to love him for him.

Eh, this makes no sense. Why would he think this?

It seems like a BS excuse to me. Has he ever had children? If he hasn't, and is 53 and still reluctant, there's a reason why...

I would tell him you are going to have children with or without him, even if it means you use a donor. And if he isn't ok with that, he can exit stage right.

Elieza · 07/11/2021 18:31

You need to talk. Sounds like he doesn’t want a baby.

If not having a baby is a dealbreaker for you then you will have to leave him as you want different things.

He’s probably hoping you’ll forget about it or that putting his head in the sand will somehow resolve this issue. It won’t. You have to talk about what he really wants and then you need to decide what you want to do next if having children with him is not an option.

TrollsAreSaddos · 07/11/2021 18:31

It be stupid to have a baby with someone that you have been ‘arguing a lot’ with. It’s unfair on the child. Especially when it’s only been a 2 year relationship. It’s not surprising he is reluctant.

Have you investigated having a baby on your own.

SweeneyToddler · 07/11/2021 18:39

This really does not sound like a stable relationship at all.

Original poster
Ljane04 · 07/11/2021 18:51

My partner has 2 adult children - his ex cheated on him multiple times so they split up. He has another 7 yr old with someone else. because of his past he's insecure as he thinks ill either cheat on him or leave him which is ridiculous I want nothing more than to build a family with him.

We have been very happy and stable until recently this is all we argue about.

OP posts:
SweeneyToddler · 07/11/2021 18:54

How involved is he with his three children?

Does he see them regularly? Has he contributed his fair share financially to them?

Moancup · 07/11/2021 18:57

It doesn’t sound like he wants another child at all. This isn’t a brief wobble. He’s being unfair to spin you a line but in his circumstances I’m not surprised that he doesn’t want another. I think you have to prepare to leave him - from an outsider’s perspective it really is that simple.

Ingleduh · 07/11/2021 18:57

You need to tell him that if he doesn't want a baby that's fine but if u aren't trying as of new year your going to go it alone! Don't give up your chance of being a mum for a man.

Original poster
Ljane04 · 07/11/2021 18:58

He sees his 7 yr old each week it;s a very good relationship. The 2 adult less so because of what happened with his ex.

He's always supported more than his fair share financially he earns a good living

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/11/2021 19:00

I don't think he wants a baby.

Zarene · 07/11/2021 19:00

This really, really doesn't sound like a good relationship to bring a baby into.

If having a baby is really important to you, I'd scoot out of there ASAP and find another way, perhaps on my own.

It's irrelevant that your relationship was good before you started thinking about babies. Babies rock and change the most steady relationships, and if yours is tricky before they are even conceived it's not a great sign.

Thinkbiglittleone · 07/11/2021 19:00

Ok so maybe as he already has 3 children, is 53 and has been burnt before is putting him off which is fine.....but he must not keep promising you something he is not going to deliver.

Equally you should not allow him to keep you hanging on, if you are not "trying" by Christmas you are going to look at ways of becoming a parent on your own, you need to take control of the situation.

FazedNotPhased · 07/11/2021 19:01

I would be suspicious of what he's told you about his exes tbh.

hibye123 · 07/11/2021 19:03

He has 3 kids and he's 53 years old....
He really doesn't sound interested in having a newborn all of a sudden

MultiStorey · 07/11/2021 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotteringAlong · 07/11/2021 19:07

He’s 53. He has 3 children. He doesn’t want any more kids. Which is completely understandable. You won’t change his mind. Leave now if you want children.

Original poster
Ljane04 · 07/11/2021 19:11

thanks I think you are all right. I just dont understand why he would say he wants to have a family with me if he has no intention. He knew when we first met that I wanted kids and i made it very clear at the start. Just feel like ive been misled and duped and wasted 2 years of my life

OP posts:
Moancup · 07/11/2021 19:13

It’s easier to lie than tell the truth if that means ending a relationship he enjoys. I don’t think you’re wrong to feel duped.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/11/2021 19:17

He doesn’t want another child. He has been happy to waste your time for his own benefit
Get angry and get rid

LumosSolem · 07/11/2021 19:31

I'm not surprised he doesn't want another child- he is 53- it is too old. My mum became a grandmother at 53, it's far too old to have another child. It's shitty of him to string you along OP.

It's a massive age difference between you as it is. Think long term- you are still young. Get rid and think about finding someone nearer in age who does want a family.

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