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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner says he wants to have a baby but doesn't try

64 replies

Ljane04 · 07/11/2021 17:59

I need some advice as don't know what to do now and feeling very ill with it all.

I'm 38 and my partner is 53 and we have been together for 2 years. He says he wants to have a baby but is reluctant to try as he is insecure and thinks that as soon as I get pregnant I will leave him as he wants me to love him for him.

He said we could start trying in July and now we are in November and he is still reluctant. We have been arguing a lot lately as it is really starting to get to me, I am 38 and time is running out for me but he doesn't seem to understand. I love him with all my heart but his insecurities are driving us apart.

Time is running out for me and don't know what to do - either stay with him and hope he comes round or consider doing it alone using a donor. Please help :-)

OP posts:

Allaboutthecake · 07/11/2021 19:36

@Ljane04

My partner has 2 adult children - his ex cheated on him multiple times so they split up. He has another 7 yr old with someone else. because of his past he's insecure as he thinks ill either cheat on him or leave him which is ridiculous I want nothing more than to build a family with him.

We have been very happy and stable until recently this is all we argue about.

No one in their right mind would want to have a baby when they have grown up children. Honestly I would go and find someone more age matched with you. Having adult children and a seven year old is probably more than enough for him. Don’t waste your last fertile years on him.

SleepingBunnies21 · 07/11/2021 19:37

What happened with the mother of the 7 year old?

Why would his relationship with his kids not be close/great with his adult kids if he was cheated on and mistreated by their mum?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 07/11/2021 19:39

He's a future faker. He's happy just living with you and having his domestic, sexual and emotional needs taken care of. It's very convenient for him living with you and having somewhere to take his 7 year old when he has him.

SleepingBunnies21 · 07/11/2021 19:40

He doesnt sound keen, but even if he were; it's also worth pointing out that the father's age matters

SleepingBunnies21 · 07/11/2021 19:41

A 53 yr old is v far from ideal when when comes to getting pregnant and staying pregnant in your late 30s.

lastqueenofscotland · 07/11/2021 19:45

Yep 53, three kids, doesn’t sound hugely involved with any of them. Doesn’t want any more.

Igneo · 07/11/2021 19:46

I agree with Moan.. he’s stringing you along because he wants to be with you.

I don’t get why he’d have low contact with his kids because his ex cheated? It sounds like she also manipulated the kids if they took her side. So he might be defensive/ insecure. Can be be a bit of a pushover at times?

Salayes · 07/11/2021 19:47

@Ljane04

thanks I think you are all right. I just dont understand why he would say he wants to have a family with me if he has no intention. He knew when we first met that I wanted kids and i made it very clear at the start. Just feel like ive been misled and duped and wasted 2 years of my life

Because sadly some people are perfectly happy to agree to a maybe and get the woman they want in a relationship than to say from the word go definitely not and never get you at all. You made it clear yes, but the mistake was in thinking because he made positive noises he meant it rather than looking at this realistically. Why would a man of his age with two grown up kids and another 7 year old (presumably by different women) have a fourth kid with a third woman into his fifties?

He made positive noises because if he hadn’t you’d not have gone out with him. There’s every chance he is hoping to run down the clock or that you end up loving him and getting attached to him enough to give up on the idea of kids altogether.

It’s dishonest but keep your sight clear - there was a very strong motivation for him to say he wanted this when he didn’t. He’s had two years of you hasn’t he, two years he’d not have got if he’d been honest at the start. That’s reason enough and, if these boards are anything to go by, pretty bloody common.

2bazookas · 07/11/2021 19:53

You describe him as "insecure"
You argue a lot
He misled you with a fake timetable for TTC.
The gaslight excuse is that he doesn't trust your longterm commitment
(What gall, from a man who has parted from two women and three children.)

He wants your undivided love all to himself.

"time is running out for me but he doesn't seem to understand"

!!! He understands perfectly; all he needs to do is keep making excuses until your biology lets him off the hook,

He has subjected you to a litany of lies, deception, excuses gaslighting and selfishness.

That is not a happy, stable relationship. It's not going to last.

Onlinedilema · 07/11/2021 20:00

I agree with everyone else.
He has 3 children already. He doesn't want to go down that road again, he is the age to become a grandad not a father. Some men will say whatever you want to hear, fact. He had the chance of getting into a much younger woman's knickers. You fell for it. There are far too many old men who have kids with younger women. My relative is doing online dating and is around 50. She says the number of 50 year old men with young children is astounding. They had them to younger women and now are left with them every weekend. She is not dating any one in that bracket as her children are adults.
If you really want a child throw this man back into the pond and find a sperm donor.

ravenmum · 07/11/2021 20:01

I just dont understand why he would say he wants to have a family with me if he has no intention
My exh said this to his younger mistress, along with various other untruths, as he has a habit of saying what he thinks people want to hear so as to avoid conflict, and because he didn't want to scare off a younger woman by saying he didn't want any more children.
Eventually she realised and found someone else. She was your age; I don't know if she's since managed to have a child but yes, men like this will really muck up your life with their selfish behaviour. It's not that they don't understand what they are doing. They just have different priorities and choose to ignore the things they would rather not think about.

2bazookas · 07/11/2021 20:03

@lastqueenofscotland

Yep 53, three kids, doesn’t sound hugely involved with any of them. Doesn’t want any more.

Maybe he's already had a vasectomy. Didn't tell OP because he knew it would be a dealbreaker.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 07/11/2021 20:07

What exactly do you mean by “reluctant to try”? All it takes is having sex without contraception. It’s your body, just stop taking it and he can use a condom if he wants. Presumably he still wants sex?

Also, are you sure he’s not actually had a vasectomy? He says he wants you to be happy just the two of you - and I’m sure you would be IF you ttc and it didn’t happen. He’s in danger of you falling out of love with him because he won’t even TRY, which makes me think he knows it’s a lost cause.

Bluntness100 · 07/11/2021 20:10

Yes I’m sorry op he does not want a child and is just keeping you hanging on. Of course he doesn’t think you’ll leave him if you get pregant. Cmon you dont actually believe he thinks that do you?

He just doesn’t want any more kids,

DoodleBelle · 07/11/2021 20:13

Get rid! He’s been stringing you along and even if he did miraculously want to try for a baby tomorrow, would you feel like his heart was truly in it? He will be hitting 70 before the baby is even an adult! Leave him and his dusty old sperm to it!

Bluntness100 · 07/11/2021 20:13

Why doesn’t he see his adult kids because his ex cheated? That also makes no sense

Is he the one telling you he contributed more? Honestly I think you’re being bullshitted something terrible,

And of course he understands time is running out he’s a 53 year old man with three kids, he fully understands biology.

BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 20:15

@Bluntness100

Why doesn’t he see his adult kids because his ex cheated? That also makes no sense

Is he the one telling you he contributed more? Honestly I think you’re being bullshitted something terrible,

And of course he understands time is running out he’s a 53 year old man with three kids, he fully understands biology.

Absolutely agree

SapphosRock · 07/11/2021 20:19

@JovialNickname

Honestly OP - 53 year olds don't want to have children. New babies I mean, they just don't. Either he's had a family so has big children already; or he's never wanted any which is why he's decided to be a 53 year old bachelor. There's a reason these big age gap relationships don't work; he's grandad age and doesn't want screaming brats and dirty nappies; you're young and female and you do. Make whatever choice you like but this is your reality x

How can you possibly say this without knowing him? There's a 22 year age gap between me and my DP. Our kids were born when DP was 56 and 61. It works for some couples.

OnyxOryx · 08/11/2021 00:58

@Ljane04

Because so many people are selfish. He knows you want kids and he's strung you along for years because he wants you and he knows if he tells you the truth you'll be gone. My guess is he's hoping to string you along for another few years until there's no chance of it happening, then he's got what he wants, you but no DC. Men are bastards. Don't wait until after Christmas to leave, the party season means you'll have a chance to meet new people.

OnyxOryx · 08/11/2021 01:05

I wonder if the "leaving him if you get pregnant" part is because that's when he'd announce he doesn't want a baby he wants an abortion.

@DoodleBelle Dusty old sperm 😂

nocnoc · 08/11/2021 02:48

Someone in his 50s doesn’t want another child! He’s got lots already. He will be 70 when they are grown up. You are going to have to leave and do it alone I think. Don’t give up wanting a child!

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 03:32

He says he wants to have a baby but is reluctant to try as he is insecure and thinks that as soon as I get pregnant I will leave him as he wants me to love him for him.

& what does he say when you explain that if he does not want to try for a baby, unfortunately you will have to leave him - not from lack of your love, but from lack of his commitment, because you just do not have enough time left for shillyshallying?

MMmomDD · 08/11/2021 11:07

What he is worried about isn’t that you leave him once you get a child. He is worried - (and knows as he’s been there before) - that once there is a kid, he won’t be the Number One.
The whole point of having a 15y younger gf is that she is there for him to have fun, not change nappies with.
Sorry to be blunt.

Why did he tell you he wanted a child with you. Simply because otherwise you’d not have sex with him.

So - if you want that kid - get a sperm donor, or get off contraception.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 08/11/2021 11:09

Future faking at it's finest.

Babyghirl · 08/11/2021 11:46

@Ljane04
Pack your bags and walk, he's stringing you along he wants someone to look after him in his older years and your the perfect person younger than him no kids.

He does not want kids tell him your leaving as he does not want what you want, and if he says we can start in Feb or what ever month don't listen to him cause he will keep moving the goal post. He will put it off and put it off until its taking out of your control and its to late.

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