I feel sick, just found husband having an affair

[Joco34]

Husband and I have been together 11 years. We have 2 young boys. I gave up a well paid career to bring them up and now work part time.
DH bought a lot of baggage to the relationship in the shape of his ex wife (and a son, who is lovely) Huge amounts of debt etc. I owned my own house. 5 years on I found out that he had been messaging women from work, photos and mucky messages. One of them we met up with regularly with her child, another was from LinkedIn and third from work. We worked through it for the children but we have had plenty of rocky moments, especially the last month where I have felt something just off.
Fast forward to tonight and whilst out walking the dog with our son I saw lots of mucky pics and messages to a work colleague. My heart is broken, literally. I feel sick. He was messaging her while with our daughter. A few days ago he spent our money and sent her a bouquet of flowers.
I have taken screen shots of everything and kicked him out. I still have his phone hence i know about the flowers. I have contacted the other women who said its only been messaging, no sex, he had told her we were separating (we nearly had).
My poor children saw me throw him out, the youngest at 7 is very upset and was writing notes begging daddy to come home.
All I have said is that daddy did a naughty thing which has hurt mummy's heart and we need to spend some time apart. He is having the kids tomorrow but I'm sat here and my heart is racing.
What do I do? I want to give myself some time to digest it but on the other hand I'm desperate to see him so I can scream at him and tell him he has destroyed our family.
This last month I have known something is off, we have had sooo many talks about honesty and never hurting me like he did before yet here we are. I even told him if he wasn't happy he should leave, but never to cheat on me.
How can this be happening again, I feel so angry for my poor babies and absolutely terrified of the future.
I'm so angry, my heart is still racing. I'm no walkover yet here I am......

You don’t have to do anything or make any decisions right now.
It’s all so new and fresh.

Try and get some sleep and face tomorrow as it comes x

He wants to come around to see the kids the days after he's been kicked out?
Do tell him to fuck off so you can have some time to think.

Try and sleep, sweetheart. But keep hold of this rage. He will never, ever change- end this horrowshow of a marriage now. You clearly deserve ever so much better.

What an idiot he is.

It might be better not to see him for a couple of weeks. It won't harm your children.

It's true - he has destroyed your family, but he's not the man for you. Give one chance, if you must, like you did before (and presumably then you had a 2 year old so it's understandable). You can't give him any more chances now, though - he's shown the value he places on your life together and you're just postponing the inevitable next time. I am truly very sorry - I've been here too.

I am very sorry, Joco. Surely it is over. Your talks about honesty and betrayal did not affect his cold heart, as his priority has been pursuing this latest OW. This serial cheat has no integrity or empathy, and his pathetic need for illicit validation reigns supreme.

The fact that he was cheating while your sweet daughter was right there speaks volumes about his utter disrespect and disregard for all of you. You now know that he will never change.

You have rightly thrown him out and created space to gather your wits and process all this. Don’t breach this by allowing him in for a while. He will likely attempt to manipulate and hoover you, so don’t give him the opportunity. Plus, it will likely upset the children more if he is coming and going.

You are devastated, but your anger will help you move through the grieving process. Reach out to family/friends, and consider accessing individual counseling for support. You and the children are going to be okay.

*Don’t breach this by allowing him in tomorrow. Wait a good while.

What an idiot he is, especially as you stated that you didn't want any lies etc. He's thrown that all away because he couldn't do what he said he would.
I'd tell him to stay away for a bit so that you can get your head a bit straighter. Sorry

You need to try to pull yourself together. This is hard, but you need to do it ASAP.

See a solicitor. See if you can get an appointment this week.
Discuss divorce, your house, visitation, child support.

Get STD tested. Sorry, but you need to protect yourself.

Check your joint account. Is the balance what you think it should be?
Take out half the money and set up a current account of your own.

Screenshots of all bank accounts
Remove half of the money from join account
Don’t eat him in to see kids tomorrow ..you need time to digest this
He can take u to court for access

Let ,not eat

So sorry to hear this. I've been in your position. It's so hard. You will go through all the stages of grief and it will take time to get through it. It's ten years on for me and I'm still angry how my ex broke up our family and made us move house, etc.

You must be incredibly hurt by his cheating again. But I disagree with posters telling you not to allow him to see the children yet.Your 7 year old saw the whole thing ; she needs to understand that her father hasn’t abandoned her so it’s entirely right they should see him at this crucial time. It’s not about giving him what he wants but it’s everything about giving the children what they need. It would also give you time to think. That said, it would be best if you could get someone else to do the handovers so you don’t need to see him

He can take the children out, he doesn't have to come in.

You need space.

Get a friend or relative to be there to answer the door if he comes to collect them.

Focus on yourself.

And @Summersnake why on earth should he have to take her to court to see the children? Don’t you think the court proceedings would unnecessarily and to, what is already, an incredibly stressful time for the OP and the children?

*add to, not and to

@Summersnake

Screenshots of all bank accounts Remove half of the money from join account Don’t eat him in to see kids tomorrow ..you need time to digest this He can take u to court for access

That's not fair on the children and would be punishing them for something he did. He doesn't need to see the kids in the house but he does need to see them. He is their father still.

Unfortunately, it sounds like they have had sex and that he is was probably doing similar the previous time when he told you he wasn’t. Sorry

He sounds fairly manipulative so I wouldn’t go by what the other woman says as he has probably been telling her complete crap too and would have kept you both going.

I once switched the computer monitor on at work to find that colleague had left himself signed into Facebook with his messenger convos up and had been busy talking to his other woman on the evening shift. His long term girlfriend worked with us and he kept telling her he couldn’t do as much stuff because he was focusing on his career. I only read the small amount that was up on the page but it was clear to me that if I hadn’t seen it he would have gone on stringing both along until he slipped up in some other way. (He was given an ultimatum to tell her before we did)

OP,

He has shown you who he is.

You badly need to accept it and start making better decisions.

@mathanxiety is giving you good advice.

I suggest you take it.

Your children deserve better than this drama and upset.

They need to be your priority, not this lying cheat.

What an idiot he is, he won't change. Find a solicitor and get free of him. It is sad for the kids but it's him that has done this to them, not you. Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry OP. I've been there, almost exactly to the tee. My ex is another one who can't seem to live without illicit validation, as a PP very eloquently summed up.

It shatters your world doesn't it? Especially if, like me, you believed he learned his lesson the first time and realised what he was set to lose if he did it again.

Men like this aren't husband material. They need to be on their own so as to only make themselves miserable and not us.

You are so much better off without him. In time when the shock wears off you WILL feel at peace with him gone.

There's no need for him to come to your house for access. He must take the children out. I attempted to be 'reasonable' by allowing my cheating ex to see DS in my home and he used the opportunity to badger me and wipe my computer.

Everything is open again now. He needs to get used to seeing them somewhere else.

I feel outraged for the OP and all the other wives who are treated this way. Why do these men marry? How do they live with themselves? The thought of it all is very depressing. I wonder if they regret it after they’ve lost everything.

All the best op, at the moment im single, and can understand your perspectives, its a mix of why people have affairs, not that it always justifies them, but its very situational as to why they happen, has your partner explained why he prefers to have *many affairs or different affair partners ?

Self care first, eat, hydrate, exercise.

STD tests are a given, you simply have no idea what he’s been up to and need to protect yourself.

Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it’s a fantastic book just to understand the mind if a cheat and to prevent you blaming yourself or your marriage.

Legal advice.

I’m so pleased you’re being completely honest with your babies, age appropriate honesty is best. Otherwise children can blame themselves. You do you and the children when it comes to access right now. Go with their needs.

He is a serial cheat. He watched you once in pieces and has repeated this knowing how devastated you will be. That’s unforgivable. I don’t think you can come back from this. His need for ego kibbles and highs from cheating is just too great. Tbh he’s utterly gross!