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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sick, just found husband having an affair

76 replies

Joco34 · 07/11/2021 02:10

Husband and I have been together 11 years. We have 2 young boys. I gave up a well paid career to bring them up and now work part time.
DH bought a lot of baggage to the relationship in the shape of his ex wife (and a son, who is lovely) Huge amounts of debt etc. I owned my own house. 5 years on I found out that he had been messaging women from work, photos and mucky messages. One of them we met up with regularly with her child, another was from LinkedIn and third from work. We worked through it for the children but we have had plenty of rocky moments, especially the last month where I have felt something just off.
Fast forward to tonight and whilst out walking the dog with our son I saw lots of mucky pics and messages to a work colleague. My heart is broken, literally. I feel sick. He was messaging her while with our daughter. A few days ago he spent our money and sent her a bouquet of flowers.
I have taken screen shots of everything and kicked him out. I still have his phone hence i know about the flowers. I have contacted the other women who said its only been messaging, no sex, he had told her we were separating (we nearly had).
My poor children saw me throw him out, the youngest at 7 is very upset and was writing notes begging daddy to come home.
All I have said is that daddy did a naughty thing which has hurt mummy's heart and we need to spend some time apart. He is having the kids tomorrow but I'm sat here and my heart is racing.
What do I do? I want to give myself some time to digest it but on the other hand I'm desperate to see him so I can scream at him and tell him he has destroyed our family.
This last month I have known something is off, we have had sooo many talks about honesty and never hurting me like he did before yet here we are. I even told him if he wasn't happy he should leave, but never to cheat on me.
How can this be happening again, I feel so angry for my poor babies and absolutely terrified of the future.
I'm so angry, my heart is still racing. I'm no walkover yet here I am......

OP posts:
FallonCarringtonWannabe · 07/11/2021 09:51

How can this be happening again
Because that is who he is.

You need to urgently see a solicitor. That is your first job before anything else.

Vigg1984 · 07/11/2021 09:51

By the sounds of it, this isn't a one time thing. This women isn't anything special to him. His head would wobble for anyone with a pulse that looks at him Angry

You are worth more that that!

It will probably feel a weight off your shoulder when you don't have to worry about who he could be speaking to, how or where.

Sex or no sex, the intentions and lack of respect are there. What a dick!!!! Angry

Thinking of you op Thanks

spongedog · 07/11/2021 09:55

I would let him take the children out - for a good part of the day. That will give you time to start to organise lists for what you need to do.

Even if you don't ultimately do everything on your list it will relieve some of the mental load.

You will need space to look at finance and household items - so best not have the kids around.

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 07/11/2021 10:00

This is not the first time.
He’s cheated with multiple women.
You’ve given him chances.
He does not respect or value you, your DC or himself.
Time to leave for good.
💐

lizkt · 07/11/2021 10:02

If anyone tells you 'let him take you to court for access to the children', please ignore this bad advice.

A judge would frown heavily on anyone who did this, unless the partner was violent. Not to mention court cases cost several thousand. Parents are reasonably expected to agree contact between them even in the case of an affair.

Anyway I'm sure this isn't top of your worries right now but worth mentioning.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/11/2021 10:03

I think another poster summed it up well, theres a certain kind of person that constantly needs illicit validation, they don't necessarily want affairs or relationships, they just like to feel that someone else is interested, both my parents were like this.they can be ok parents, ok friends even but they make terrible partners OP, it is I feel something inside of them , not anything the other person is doing or isnt doing.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 07/11/2021 10:17

Unfortunately, he thinks he can do this because you have shown him your (rightful) priority is the children and keeping their family together. But not like this.

Get good legal advice. Take photos of everything important. Make sure you know where all the accounts are and how much is in them. make sure you have money he can't touch in case he goes vindictive for being caught with his pants down, so to speak.

He's a liar and a cheater, and he's probably done more than you know. And you know a lot.

He doesn't deserve you.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/11/2021 10:18

Given that this is clearly a pattern of behaviour, I doubt these are the only women he's been messaging, they're just the ones OP found out about.

I also think his first marriage failed for similar reasons.

OP, I agree you shouldn't use the DC as pawns, but that doesn't mean you have to have him around you. He can take them out.

SleepingBunnies21 · 07/11/2021 10:33

Men like this aren't husband material.

In a nut shell.

SleepingBunnies21 · 07/11/2021 10:34

@TurquoiseDragon

Given that this is clearly a pattern of behaviour, I doubt these are the only women he's been messaging, they're just the ones OP found out about.

I also think his first marriage failed for similar reasons.

OP, I agree you shouldn't use the DC as pawns, but that doesn't mean you have to have him around you. He can take them out.

This.
Daleksatemyshed · 07/11/2021 10:40

I'm sorry you're in such distress Op. One small thing to add to all the other advice, someone said go out and leave him at home with the DC, do NOT do this, he'll use the time to erase, destroy or take away evidence, or worse still he'll refuse to leave again. Meet him at the door with the DC and let them go out, he doesn't get to come in

GrandOld · 07/11/2021 10:41

How many more time will you 'work through' this betrayal? How many times will you allow him to do this.

See a solicitor.

mpz731play · 07/11/2021 10:46

Yeah, with the benefit of hindsight, my ex needed continual validation from other women throughout our relationship. You could be bloody Beyonce and men like this still need that validation. Life is too short to waste on people like that and trust me - there are lots of beautiful, kind souls out there. Finish this relationship with him, he does not deserve you.

Ebony69 · 07/11/2021 10:49

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

I would guess he only wants to see the kids to manipulate you. He has shown his contempt for you all. Men like this use their children to gain access and contact with their victims. I would also guess he's a secret gambler. It all links in with that thrill seeker personality type and his debt. Whatever you do don't tie yourself in knots trying to figure out why he did it as some very misguided posters have asked you. Someone has already answered. He's most likely a narcissist looking for illicit thrills. Focus on you and your children. When he has contact don't give him access to your home or you. Sleep, eat soup, take care you've got this
That’s a significant diagnosis based on just one post by the OP. What makes you think that the husband has no genuine interest in seeing his children? It’s entirely possible to be a cheating scumbag and love your children at the same time. Life is not so black and white and binary judgements like these really don’t really don’t help.
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 07/11/2021 12:58

Because he was messaging women for sex when out with his daughter @Ebony69

mpz731play · 07/11/2021 13:05

He may well love his children, but he loves himself more.

Ebony69 · 07/11/2021 13:48

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Because he was messaging women for sex when out with his daughter *@Ebony69*
Still doesn’t prove your point. Humans are capable of doing good and bad at the same time. Really depends on what else he did with her when he spent time with her.
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 07/11/2021 14:31

If that's your bar for loving parenting crack on. A man who abuses his wife through lying and multiple cheating usually struggle to be a good parents who are capable of putting their children first. Abusers generally act abusively and abusing the mum always impacts the children one way or another.

Tiredofbs123 · 07/11/2021 14:58

Ebony69 affairs put the betrayed mother or father of a child in direct risk. They impact on the health of the betrayed’s in many ways: mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. This is on top of the inevitable distancing as they’re chasing their ‘twu luv’ whatever. Many betrayed comment on how snappy and uninterested in the children the cheat was. Affairs are time consuming things. Add in the family finances being splurged and children’s long term futures being damaged (look into separation and divorce as an adverse childhood experience). None of this is stalwart parenting imho.

Ebony69 · 07/11/2021 15:31

@Tiredofbs123

Ebony69 affairs put the betrayed mother or father of a child in direct risk. They impact on the health of the betrayed’s in many ways: mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. This is on top of the inevitable distancing as they’re chasing their ‘twu luv’ whatever. Many betrayed comment on how snappy and uninterested in the children the cheat was. Affairs are time consuming things. Add in the family finances being splurged and children’s long term futures being damaged (look into separation and divorce as an adverse childhood experience). None of this is stalwart parenting imho.
At no point have I stated that this is ‘stalwart parenting’. Far from it. There is self evidently a continuum between perfect parenting, which I certainly cannot claim to carry out at all times , and neglectful and unsafe parenting to the extent that the child should not have a relationship with that parent. I don’t see that the latter applies in this case. Also in the mix to be considered is the impact that no contact, or unnecessarily restricted contact, would have on the children, part of which would be dependent on the strength of the bond that they have with each other.
PumpkinsandTea · 07/11/2021 20:59

Why did you tell your 7yr old CHILD that Daddy hurt mummy? Do you really believe their little minds are developed enough to understand & process something like that??? Hmm

PumpkinsandTea · 07/11/2021 21:01

She will resent her Daddy for the rest of her life now

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/11/2021 23:00

This serial cheat has no integrity or empathy, and his pathetic need for illicit validation reigns supreme

Agreed. Staying with this man would be like death by papercuts, don't do it to yourself OP.

smoko · 08/11/2021 00:38

He has done an awful thing

However it’s on you that your daughter has been exposed to this, she saw you kick him out because you chose to do this in front of her.

Your explanation that “daddy did a bad thing which hurt mummy’s heart” to me sounds like oversharing & while it’s understandable to want to blame him, you don’t come off looking great here either.

It’s hard but you need to be the grown up here & protect your kid’s feelings.

Tiredofbs123 · 08/11/2021 06:38

OP I would t be surprised if you’re not reading here anymore.

But if you are by any chance, I’d advise you to get yourself over to surviving infidelity. It’s a great website and you will have a great deal of support there and posters who empathise and have been where you are!