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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sick, just found husband having an affair

76 replies

Joco34 · 07/11/2021 02:10

Husband and I have been together 11 years. We have 2 young boys. I gave up a well paid career to bring them up and now work part time.
DH bought a lot of baggage to the relationship in the shape of his ex wife (and a son, who is lovely) Huge amounts of debt etc. I owned my own house. 5 years on I found out that he had been messaging women from work, photos and mucky messages. One of them we met up with regularly with her child, another was from LinkedIn and third from work. We worked through it for the children but we have had plenty of rocky moments, especially the last month where I have felt something just off.
Fast forward to tonight and whilst out walking the dog with our son I saw lots of mucky pics and messages to a work colleague. My heart is broken, literally. I feel sick. He was messaging her while with our daughter. A few days ago he spent our money and sent her a bouquet of flowers.
I have taken screen shots of everything and kicked him out. I still have his phone hence i know about the flowers. I have contacted the other women who said its only been messaging, no sex, he had told her we were separating (we nearly had).
My poor children saw me throw him out, the youngest at 7 is very upset and was writing notes begging daddy to come home.
All I have said is that daddy did a naughty thing which has hurt mummy's heart and we need to spend some time apart. He is having the kids tomorrow but I'm sat here and my heart is racing.
What do I do? I want to give myself some time to digest it but on the other hand I'm desperate to see him so I can scream at him and tell him he has destroyed our family.
This last month I have known something is off, we have had sooo many talks about honesty and never hurting me like he did before yet here we are. I even told him if he wasn't happy he should leave, but never to cheat on me.
How can this be happening again, I feel so angry for my poor babies and absolutely terrified of the future.
I'm so angry, my heart is still racing. I'm no walkover yet here I am......

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 07/11/2021 07:29

Op come on its clearly patterned behaviour and he is looking for more. You say he's married before with a child it's highly likely thats whybhis married ended the first time.

DancyNancy · 07/11/2021 07:30

I hope you fell asleep at some point OP. Flowers im sorry you've been treated like this. You'll be better off without him. one step at a time

Tiredofbs123 · 07/11/2021 07:31

Sorry posted before finishing, just to say I’m so sorry he’s such a nasty piece of work. Those of us who have been there know your pain. Flowers

Riverlee · 07/11/2021 07:35

The trust has gone. Don’t have him back. He won’t change. Sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

Why did his first marriage end?

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/11/2021 07:35

It would have been sensible to leave the first time, staying for the kids has left you wide open to being hurt again.

Lovinglife45 · 07/11/2021 07:36

I am so sorry OPFlowers

He has let you down yet again. He must have known the pain you were in the first time around, yet he has hurt you again. What for? An ego boost, to feel he is desired by others, that he still has 'it'?

I have been there and bought the t-shirt. I thought I was going to die when I discovered my stbxh disclosed his infidelities. I was howling and shaking on the bed like an animal.

I sought to save my marriage and limped on for another two years. The anger, resentment, emotional pain bubbled up to the surface. My stbxh wrongly assumed 'sorry' and counselling would be enough. There were too many layers of lies and deceit. I saw his selfishness, entitlement and callousness in full bloom. The love I had was destroyed as I discovered lie after lie, all to protect himself of course.

You will get through this. It is going to be a long journey that unfortunately you cannot rush. Be kind to yourself.

drpet49 · 07/11/2021 07:40

* But I disagree with posters telling you not to allow him to see the children yet.Your 7 year old saw the whole thing ; she needs to understand that her father hasn’t abandoned her so it’s entirely right they should see him at this crucial time. It’s not about giving him what he wants but it’s everything about giving the children what they need.*

^This. Your children come first in all of this.

Noshowlomo · 07/11/2021 07:44

I’m so sorry OP. Hope you managed some sleep.
What an absolute fucking arse

CokeZeroAddiction · 07/11/2021 07:49

He has no respect for you. That’s the bottom line. And he enjoys the thrilled of cheating. He loves the chase of other women. That will never go away. This will always be him.

He has destroyed your family but you have it everything you’ve got in trusting him repeatedly. This is on him, keep your anger. Let yourself be hurt. Then divorce the pig and never speak to him again unless it’s about the children. He doesn’t deserve your time or your attention, the two things he craves most from women (as well as sex, which you aren’t going to give him either).

supermoonrising · 07/11/2021 08:34

What an idiot he is

He’s not an idiot, he’s a scumbag. But given this:
“5 years on I found out that he had been messaging women from work, photos and mucky messages. One of them we met up with regularly with her child, another was from LinkedIn and third from work. We worked through it for the children …”
OP knew that already. Not just one, but three!

BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 08:41

@Tiredofbs123

Self care first, eat, hydrate, exercise.

STD tests are a given, you simply have no idea what he’s been up to and need to protect yourself.

Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it’s a fantastic book just to understand the mind if a cheat and to prevent you blaming yourself or your marriage.

Legal advice.

I’m so pleased you’re being completely honest with your babies, age appropriate honesty is best. Otherwise children can blame themselves. You do you and the children when it comes to access right now. Go with their needs.

He is a serial cheat. He watched you once in pieces and has repeated this knowing how devastated you will be. That’s unforgivable. I don’t think you can come back from this. His need for ego kibbles and highs from cheating is just too great. Tbh he’s utterly gross!

Extremely sensible advice here.
BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 08:42

@Fluffycloudland77

It would have been sensible to leave the first time, staying for the kids has left you wide open to being hurt again.
How is this helpful? OP isn't a time traveller.

I really don't understand why people do this; is the need to feel superior and slyly stick the boot in so much greater than trying to have an ounce of compassion for someone whose life has just fallen apart?

Workinghardeveryday · 07/11/2021 08:49

Hope you managed to sleep, I am so sorry he has done this to you again.

You are worth more than him xx

Lovemusic33 · 07/11/2021 08:55

Once a cheat always a cheat.
I wouldn’t be allowing him to see the kids today, they need time to process the fact he’s moved out, they can talk to him on the phone?

People like him don’t change, they get off on attention from other women, the risk of getting caught and knowing what they are doing is wrong. I know several men like this. Being a single woman (for 6 years) I have lost count of the number of married men that have tried it on with me including one of my best friends husbands.

Stick to your guns, do not forgive him again. I know it’s hard because of the kids, I felt so guilty when I split with my DC’s dad, the first few weeks were awful and many times I considered taking him back purely through guilt, but I’m glad I didn’t.

beautifulview · 07/11/2021 08:57

What an arsehole. He thought sending flowers would get her knickers off? Gross. Don’t let him come round today. He’s bound to have been messaging her overnight. Good for you for kicking him out

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 07/11/2021 09:01

I would guess he only wants to see the kids to manipulate you. He has shown his contempt for you all. Men like this use their children to gain access and contact with their victims. I would also guess he's a secret gambler. It all links in with that thrill seeker personality type and his debt. Whatever you do don't tie yourself in knots trying to figure out why he did it as some very misguided posters have asked you. Someone has already answered. He's most likely a narcissist looking for illicit thrills. Focus on you and your children. When he has contact don't give him access to your home or you. Sleep, eat soup, take care you've got this

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 07/11/2021 09:06

@Lovinglife45

I am so sorry OPFlowers

He has let you down yet again. He must have known the pain you were in the first time around, yet he has hurt you again. What for? An ego boost, to feel he is desired by others, that he still has 'it'?

I have been there and bought the t-shirt. I thought I was going to die when I discovered my stbxh disclosed his infidelities. I was howling and shaking on the bed like an animal.

I sought to save my marriage and limped on for another two years. The anger, resentment, emotional pain bubbled up to the surface. My stbxh wrongly assumed 'sorry' and counselling would be enough. There were too many layers of lies and deceit. I saw his selfishness, entitlement and callousness in full bloom. The love I had was destroyed as I discovered lie after lie, all to protect himself of course.

You will get through this. It is going to be a long journey that unfortunately you cannot rush. Be kind to yourself.

Did you ever get over this and move on and be truly happy? Does it still hurt?
ulez · 07/11/2021 09:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/11/2021 09:14

Because op will come under pressure from the patriarchal society we live in, from friends and family to try again because the dh will be “really sorry 🥺” and it’s “best for the children” and made to feel she’s the unreasonable one in all this.

We need to wise up to men who are hard dogs to keep on the porch.

WB205020 · 07/11/2021 09:22

I have sympathy OP and you need time to process things but I have to say I’m disgusted at the comments on here regarding him and access to his kids. What the fuck is wrong with some women, using kids as pawns. ‘Don’t let him see the kids’, ‘make him apply for access’. You wonder why some kids are fucked up these days when people use them as weapons!

Whilst I agree with others you need to leave him for good, please don’t use the kids as some idiots have advised and whilst it maybe hard, try to keep things amicable. It will make things a lot simpler and less costly when thrashing out divorce terms and splitting of assets.

WB205020 · 07/11/2021 09:25

I should add, if he wants to see the kids ask him to take them out. If he refuses and wants to see them in his house then you go out. Don’t let him try and manipulate you but at the same time if he wants to see his kids don’t say no. Just make sure you are not around him when he does.

BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 09:44

@Fluffycloudland77

Because op will come under pressure from the patriarchal society we live in, from friends and family to try again because the dh will be “really sorry 🥺” and it’s “best for the children” and made to feel she’s the unreasonable one in all this.

We need to wise up to men who are hard dogs to keep on the porch.

But that still doesn't change the fact that she's not Doctor Who, does it?

You're telling her what she should have done, years after the fact. But she can't travel back in time and re-write history. So again, how is that helping her now?

JudySmallweed · 07/11/2021 09:46

@WB205020

I have sympathy OP and you need time to process things but I have to say I’m disgusted at the comments on here regarding him and access to his kids. What the fuck is wrong with some women, using kids as pawns. ‘Don’t let him see the kids’, ‘make him apply for access’. You wonder why some kids are fucked up these days when people use them as weapons!

Whilst I agree with others you need to leave him for good, please don’t use the kids as some idiots have advised and whilst it maybe hard, try to keep things amicable. It will make things a lot simpler and less costly when thrashing out divorce terms and splitting of assets.

Absolutely agree with this, and with @Ebony69

The children's needs have to come first, which can mean that adults have to do very difficult and unpalatable things. We would all die a thousand deaths for our children, so it shouldn't be impossible to keep things civil with a shitty ex (I have one too, btw).

Taking half out of a joint account is bad legal advice. By all means make a record of what's in any accounts (because you will need this information when it comes to splitting assets), but don't touch it.

Chocaholic9 · 07/11/2021 09:49

Can't believe people are asking you to ask him why he has many affair partners? This is just giving him an opportunity for more excuses. Sounds like he has had so many chances. If his needs are not being met in the relationship, he should have left or talked about it.

You deserve so much better than this OP. I hope you will see that and act accordingly. It's one thing to make one 'mistake', it's a completely different situation entirely when he is a serial cheater.

Maze76 · 07/11/2021 09:50

Good morning OP.
I hope you managed to get some rest, but I imagine your mind has been racing trying to process everything.
First I’m sorry this has happened, having been through similar I know how emotionally draining and tiring this is.
Second, please take your time to process what has happened. You will need space away from seeing his face and hearing the crap that he will spew..and the best way to do this is by making his move from your home permanent. Protect yourself and your children from any emotional harm he could possibly inflict.

Keep contact to a minimum and preferably by text/ Whattsapp, ensuring that you use this as a way to communicate only about access to children / financial support etc. If he attempts to talk about your relationship, his affairs, cut the conversation, and reiterate that you only wish to discuss practicalities.
Do reach out to someone you trust in RL, that support will get you through the first few months of separation.
Do not engage with the other women he’s involved with- it will get you nowhere.

When you are ready look into mediation/ divorce etc.
Remember, you and your children are the injured parties, you take the the next steps at a pace that suits yourself and your kids- do not feel pressured to work to his pace.
Once you have had time apart, and if you do decide to divorce, then ensure that you are the one who files first. it’s amazing how much better you feel taking control, pushing ahead.
You will get through this, there are so many inspiring accounts on here from women who have made to the other side, and I’m sure in time you will be one of them. stay strong.

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