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Original poster

Bf not sexually attracted to me

84 replies

Jackiebriany · 06/11/2021 20:30

He says I’ve put on weight (I haven’t really - a bit)
Which affected his sexual attraction to me
He still loves me and finds me attractive in other ways
We haven’t had sex in a long time
And he wants to try again
But I don’t feel secure
What shall I do ?
Help Sad

OP posts:
blacksockss · 08/11/2021 09:30

@Eltonsglasses

What shall I do ?

Lose the deadweight- him.

Lol love this, and so right
Hllouise1702 · 08/11/2021 13:45

@Otterhound

Thing is weight changes how someone looks - not just figure but face as well

Just because you have a partner doesnt mean you can think fuck it, im gonna let myself go and join the fat club and expect them to still fancy you.

I dont fancy curvy women never have and never will so it someone is a size 10 when we meet and becomes a size 14 thats the end of that.

Nothing for me to feel guilty about

Wow
Lovelydiscusfish · 08/11/2021 14:14

Nobody has to feel “guilty” for only being able to find certain body-types attractive. But you do need to accept that it doesn’t make you a very good relationship prospect in the long term, and that those of us with a more developed capacity to find people attractive for a broad number of reasons, will almost certainly move on from you to find better, happier, more fulfilling relationships with others….. Whereas you will have to work out what you are going to do when you are in your 70s, because it’s unlikely hot skinny 30 somethings (or whatever your type is) are likely to be queuing up to shag you…..

Pascal80 · 08/11/2021 15:19

He's gone off you or he is trying to control you, or probably both. Someone who fancies and loves you doesn't stop fancying you if you put a stone or two on - not at all.

You can find someone lovely. He isn't it.

BookFiend4Life · 08/11/2021 15:56

Most people's weight fluctuates throughout their life. You will tons lighter if you dump him.

5zeds · 08/11/2021 16:01

I couldn’t fancy someone who behaved like your bf. It’s so unappealing to be so shallow, controlling and unpleasant. I think he’s have killed any attraction I had to him.

Jinkiesfredlll · 08/11/2021 16:13

Youre gonna get a lot of validating answers here branding him as an asshole but he's been honest with you, sat you down and discussed your lack of sex as an issue and said why.

It obviously can't just be a few lbs if it's THAT noticeable (people generally don't notice their weight gain)

Would you have preferred he said nothing, you continue not having sex and then it dries up completely????

Like what do you actually want from this information ? Has your weight gain affected you, do you want to lose weight, are you happy with yourself, is this issue worth doing anything about or has the relationship run its course ????

WarmWinterSun · 08/11/2021 16:16

He sounds horrible. You deserve better

5zeds · 08/11/2021 17:04

@Jinkiesfredlll it sounds like you prescribe to the “I must make myself into what he wants” school of thought. It’s a bit gross don’t you think?

Flipflopfoodle · 08/11/2021 17:35

I had a very serious relationship but I knew he had a certain physical type. I left him, met a man who has loved me from size 8 to 18. My ex (still friends) married a lady who looks like me but is 10 years younger and stick thin. Both are happy in our marriages and no regrets. I'm sure she thinks she is the luckiest lady alive, whereas I'm just thankful everyday that I didn't marry him. Keeping to his idea of attractiveness would have messed with my mental health hugely, whereas she shares his love of fashion and gyms. Don't change yourself for a partner, ditch him and find someone who loves you as you are.

Feilin · 08/11/2021 17:36

Leave. I was you once. It didnt change no matter how much he said he would try. Honestly its an awful feeling that neediness that want to be touched and feeling like they are ice cold. You feel desperate for affection. Just go you will find it elsewhere I wish I had someone to tell me this 17 yrs ago

makelovenotpetrol · 08/11/2021 17:46

@Otterhound

Thing is weight changes how someone looks - not just figure but face as well

Just because you have a partner doesnt mean you can think fuck it, im gonna let myself go and join the fat club and expect them to still fancy you.

I dont fancy curvy women never have and never will so it someone is a size 10 when we meet and becomes a size 14 thats the end of that.

Nothing for me to feel guilty about

Well I'm female and I agree with this
Elieza · 08/11/2021 18:03

I had a BF for ten years and he went off sex with me. I even begged. Not proud. The answer was no :-(

He cited me putting on weight as being the reason he was no longer physically attracted to me. I’d put on a stone. He had a point. But so had he and my feelings hadnt changed.

We lingered on in the relationship and then I dumped him, as sex was important to me then. As was a loving relationship. We were more like convenient room mates. Or siblings. Not the way I wanted to be.

I saw him with his new GF a few months later. My pals said he was happy with her. She was at least one further stone heavier than me. Perhaps two. I was very surprised. We spoke a year later at a party held by mutual friends and she was lovely.

So that made me realise that even if I’d stayed my old weight he’d probably have found some other excuse to not have sex. His feelings for me had just changed.

It might be time to call it a day for you too. Sorry.

Pinkbucket · 08/11/2021 21:41

@Megalameg

I mean he’s not “expecting it” is he? There is no way a gf who had told her bf she found his weight gain unattractive then later said she wanted to try to be physically intimate would be called abusive. Maybe it was insensitive but it’s absurd the way people on these boards jump straight to “abuser”. Good luck getting this guy tried and convicted of any actual crime as you seem to think he deserves because he definitely hasn’t committed one.
No one is suggesting he be convicted He just needs to be made to go away and not try and use women for sex who he’s not attracted to . It’s more than insensitive , it’s mysogynistic and vile And I’m yet to see a woman on here say she isn’t attracted to a man but is wanting sex with him Ps you forgot to provide the links to all those links yoh claimed exist but don’t
Ema52 · 08/11/2021 21:48

Suppose he's Chris Hemsworth is he?

Chuck him. Find someone who loves you for you.

Megalameg · 09/11/2021 03:38

@Pinkbucket
I never claimed any links exist and I have no idea what your talking about. Reread whatever comment your referring too because it wasn’t made by me.
And yes, I’ve heard women say they have tried to have sex with a husband who they were less (or not at all) attracted to physically because of weight gain, to try to keep a relationship going.
That may be what’s happening here but of course we must think the worse mustn’t we?

JustKittenAround · 09/11/2021 04:26

@Elieza

I had a BF for ten years and he went off sex with me. I even begged. Not proud. The answer was no :-(

He cited me putting on weight as being the reason he was no longer physically attracted to me. I’d put on a stone. He had a point. But so had he and my feelings hadnt changed.

We lingered on in the relationship and then I dumped him, as sex was important to me then. As was a loving relationship. We were more like convenient room mates. Or siblings. Not the way I wanted to be.

I saw him with his new GF a few months later. My pals said he was happy with her. She was at least one further stone heavier than me. Perhaps two. I was very surprised. We spoke a year later at a party held by mutual friends and she was lovely.

So that made me realise that even if I’d stayed my old weight he’d probably have found some other excuse to not have sex. His feelings for me had just changed.

It might be time to call it a day for you too. Sorry.

This.

100%

KatherineJaneway · 09/11/2021 05:38

You need to dump him. You said you put on a bit of weight, even if you lost it, you'd spend the next few years eyeing the scales every week worried about putting weight back on, knowing how he would feel about it. That's no way to live.

Sillawithans · 10/11/2021 22:51

@Pinkbucket are you alright dear

me4real · 10/11/2021 23:29

It obviously can't just be a few lbs if it's THAT noticeable

@Jinkiesfredlll Abusers and btches can gloat and btch even if you put on 4lb or something. I've had it happen. He also sees OP naked so could tell if a tiny bit went on somewhere. Or maybe OP mentioned it herself and he's using it as ammo against her.

user1481840227 · 11/11/2021 01:19

I think some more context is needed.
How did the conversation come about?

Did you notice that he seemed to have gone off you and ask him to be honest with you and receive that response? Is he generally nice to you?

Or did he just blurt it all out unprompted and is he generally a bit of a dick?

Snugglybuggly · 11/11/2021 01:24

LTB

Pinkbucket · 11/11/2021 03:07

[quote Megalameg]@Pinkbucket
I never claimed any links exist and I have no idea what your talking about. Reread whatever comment your referring too because it wasn’t made by me.
And yes, I’ve heard women say they have tried to have sex with a husband who they were less (or not at all) attracted to physically because of weight gain, to try to keep a relationship going.
That may be what’s happening here but of course we must think the worse mustn’t we?[/quote]
Apologies @Megalameg
That should have been for @Sillawithans

Pinkbucket · 11/11/2021 03:09

[quote Sillawithans]@Pinkbucket are you alright dear[/quote]
I’m great but seriously ? Are you ok dear
You seem to either be a man who hates women or a woman who has been badly indoctrinated into mysogyny

Gwenhwyfar · 11/11/2021 11:21

"I dont fancy curvy women never have and never will so it someone is a size 10 when we meet and becomes a size 14 thats the end of that."

How will that work when you're both in your 60s though when most people are fatter?