Bf not sexually attracted to me

[Jackiebriany]

He says I’ve put on weight (I haven’t really - a bit)
Which affected his sexual attraction to me
He still loves me and finds me attractive in other ways
We haven’t had sex in a long time
And he wants to try again
But I don’t feel secure
What shall I do ?
Help

I wouldn't be able to get past this.

Was he just making conversation when he told you, or were you arguing?

Dump him. Look after yourself.

Thing is weight changes how someone looks - not just figure but face as well

Just because you have a partner doesnt mean you can think fuck it, im gonna let myself go and join the fat club and expect them to still fancy you.

I dont fancy curvy women never have and never will so it someone is a size 10 when we meet and becomes a size 14 thats the end of that.

Nothing for me to feel guilty about

@Otterhound all the more reason for her to dump him.

@Otterhound

Don't get married, and don't ever become bald.

@Otterhound

Thing is weight changes how someone looks - not just figure but face as well

Just because you have a partner doesnt mean you can think fuck it, im gonna let myself go and join the fat club and expect them to still fancy you.

I dont fancy curvy women never have and never will so it someone is a size 10 when we meet and becomes a size 14 thats the end of that.

Nothing for me to feel guilty about

Good luck with having a long term relationship then Petal. Women's bodies change. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause etc all affect women's bodies let alone something like breast cancer or god forbid, losing a limb. Guess it's ok though as long as you make it clear and be honest at the outset of any new relationship that you won't hang around in these circumstances

Sounds like he's playing head games. If he doesn't fancy you then why does he want sex with you? Get rid. And those saying they wouldn't stay with someone who puts on weight clearly have no idea what a real relationship is. As someone said above my love and attraction to my partner and his for me is not remotely linked to our vital statistics!!

@Otterhound

Thing is weight changes how someone looks - not just figure but face as well

Just because you have a partner doesnt mean you can think fuck it, im gonna let myself go and join the fat club and expect them to still fancy you.

I dont fancy curvy women never have and never will so it someone is a size 10 when we meet and becomes a size 14 thats the end of that.

Nothing for me to feel guilty about

Don’t marry a living breathing female . Pregnancy , hormones and menopause mean our bodies change constantly

Op he needs a blow up doll if he can’t deal with the reality of a living woman’s body .
Too many men ( and I use that term lightly ) Watching too much porn

@Otterhound As PP's said, good luck with that lol. It's normal for women/everyone to put on weight with age, and it actually can fill out fine lines in the face so they look younger than they would if they were skinnier. A size 14 is not usually overly curvy and is usually within the healthy weight range. They wouldn't have an obese face, either.

Anyway, all this is irrelevant as OP says she hasn't put on a significant amount of weight.

I mean, I like big guys. My ex was 15 stone when I met him, but there was a picture up in his living room in which he was 20 stone. It wasn't pretty and I would've had to be even more mentally ill than I was to have got involved with him then, as I found his appearance there even less attractive.

But this isn't the same situation.

@Otterhound and yes just make it clear you won’t be sticking around should she her body change thru any of the things @turnaroundtime mentioned

This is an interesting one.

Having had a number of short and long term relationships, spoken to lots of people about relationships etc, I have reached the conclusion that for some people sexual attraction genuinely is largely about looks, or at least, is dependant on looks (there may be other factors too). For others it’s just not that important, myself included. I can find all kinds of men and women sexually attractive, regardless of how they look. The same seems to be true for my current partner - he’s objectively pretty stunning, and has had partners who are much more conventionally attractive than I am - yet I totally believe he finds me very sexually attractive - his words and deeds demonstrate this, and I never ever feel insecure about that aspect.

My most recent ex on the other hand did not find me sexually attractive - he told me so (which I think is pretty fucking rude, personally, considering the fact he still expected me to have sex with him). He was very concerned about looks it seemed - and while I’m not bad looking I don’t think, I’m no picture-perfect pin-up….(nor was he either - in fact funnily enough most of my friends and family told me afterwards they were astonished I was with him to be honest - he was much older than me and really looked a bit weird. I did fancy him at the time tho…) . I’m delighted (in retrospect) that we broke up, as to me life is far too short to spend it mithering about having perfect hair, make-up, perfect figure etc, all my life, just to please a partner…..

So if I were you I’d ditch this one and try and find someone who finds you attractive because of who you are, not what you look like. There are plenty of us out there, male and female, as this thread shows. Only some people find looks such an important part of fancying someone……

My most recent ex on the other hand did not find me sexually attractive - he told me so (which I think is pretty fucking rude

Yep, it should always be a dumping offence IMHO @Lovelydiscusfish . To be so disrespectful to their partner means they're not actually that into us/committed, they don't care how we feel.

I think really, OP, you already know the answer. If he doesn’t fancy you whatever your weight is (which doesn’t define you as a person) then you shouldn’t be with him

People are entitled to have physical preferences. It doesn't make someone a bad person to no longer find someone physically attractive if their appearance changes.

BUT only an absolute cunt acknowledges this change and then says they can still 'try' to have sex with you regardless! As if your confidence wouldn't be shattered by it, as if it wouldn't make you feel unbelievably insecure.

He sounds at best totally lacking in empathy and at worst abusive and testing what you'll put up with.

Either way, this isn't a healthy or sustainable relationship.

get rid!!

What a nasty piece of work.

I wouldn't want him near me.

Why are you even entertaining him?

That you would consider it tells me you must be very vulnerable to being in an abusive relationship.

If you had healthy self respect you would have dumped him by now.

[quote Dery]@Indoctro - my DH has put on lots of weight too. We’re not hugely obese but we’re both pretty chubby. I still fancy him hugely. My attraction to him and his to me was not just based on our vital statistics.[/quote]
Ah but that is you and everyone is different

I absolutely wouldn't find my husband attractive if he got fat. I'm sorry but that's how I feel. Everyone is different, as someone said sexual attraction is about looks and physical appearance for some. Doesn't make you a bad person though. Love and sexual attraction are two different things.

I had an ex who was very much like this . His attraction was not tied to his love . In the end it turned out to be a pretty false kind of ‘love ‘ when it was conditional on my body staying eternally the same .
Sure it didn’t make him a bad person but he was absolutely sex for him wasn’t linked to any heart space which I believe is fine in a ons but in a long term situation is pretty dysfunctional
It leaves the relationship open to all types of problems considering it’s the nature of human bodies to change constantly ( especially women with hormones , pregnancy , menopause etc )
No way I’d get involved with someone who’s emotions for me we’re separated to the sexual attraction and desire

Op, how awful you must be feeling right now.

There are many threads on here from women who feel like this about their partners and the responses are far different.

If there is some truth in his words I would try to do something about it.

@Sillawithans

Op, how awful you must be feeling right now.

There are many threads on here from women who feel like this about their partners and the responses are far different.

If there is some truth in his words I would try to do something about it.

Absolute nonsense , men who complain a woman who’s a few pounds overweight will only find something else to complain about if she were to lose the weight Unless a few pounds is something OP wants yo do this is about the worst advise possible You’re telling her to mould to his unreasonable ( and yes it IS unreasonable to complain a partner is a few pounds heavier ) and to be a total door mat ‘pick me’ woman OP you do what you want to do for you . For your happiness , health and well-being and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you should mild to a man

I’m yet to see one post one here where a woman is complain a man a man has a couple of pounds only and that’s the sole reasons she’s lost attraction to him . Please show the links @silawithans
to this where a man having a FEW pounds and no other issues has caused a woman to behave like this OPs partner

It depends on what “a bit” of weight is?

I know people are saying there spouse is chubbier than they used to be etc. but this isn’t a married couple ageing together, it’s a bf/gf situation.

I can’t help but think if a wife or gf had posted that her boyfriends/husbands weight gain had made him unattractive to her but she was willing to try to rekindle sexual attraction for him she would probably be praised for being understanding. Yet because it’s the bf it’s interpreted here completely differently and he’s “emotionally abusive”. I mean really now.

"I don't find you physically attractive, but I'm still going to try and have sex with you".
How does that work, then?
Clue; it doesn't.

@Megalameg

It depends on what “a bit” of weight is?

I know people are saying there spouse is chubbier than they used to be etc. but this isn’t a married couple ageing together, it’s a bf/gf situation.

I can’t help but think if a wife or gf had posted that her boyfriends/husbands weight gain had made him unattractive to her but she was willing to try to rekindle sexual attraction for him she would probably be praised for being understanding. Yet because it’s the bf it’s interpreted here completely differently and he’s “emotionally abusive”. I mean really now.

He is emotionally abusive because he is obviously able to get his dick hard and use her for sex whilst simultaneously telling her he’s not attracted to her If he isn’t attracted to her he has no right to expect sex

I mean he’s not “expecting it” is he?
There is no way a gf who had told her bf she found his weight gain unattractive then later said she wanted to try to be physically intimate would be called abusive.
Maybe it was insensitive but it’s absurd the way people on these boards jump straight to “abuser”. Good luck getting this guy tried and convicted of any actual crime as you seem to think he deserves because he definitely hasn’t committed one.