Too old and past it, how did you deal with it?

[Orangeshairs]

I’m late 30s, 37 next year. I’ve tried all my life to find a long term happy relationship. I’ve had a couple of long term things but they ended years ago now. For the last few years I’ve been in various relationships, if you could even call them that, more like year long things that don’t go anywhere.

I’ve taken time out of dating. I’ve had therapy. I’ve tried to look for dates outside of online dating. I’ve travelled. I’ve stayed put. I’ve tried to ignore it all. I’ve dated furiously and seriously. I’ve been causal about it.

I’ve got to the point where I feel I need to accept my life for what it is. There’s some good. I have money. I have a career. I have friends. My family arent perfect and we could be closer but they are there too I guess. I’m slim, not an oil painting but not unattractive. I have interests. I want to be ok with a life alone, mostly because I am absolutely sick and tired of dragging myself out to meet people, trying to have faith and build something, for it all to come crashing down again months later. I just can’t do it. I would love a relationship more than anything but getting to that point now seems more heartache and trouble than it’s worth.

I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, I’ve been bitter, I’ve been so low I’ve wanted to just disappear. And now all I want is to accept that this is life for me and I potentially have a lot of time like this to come. How do I find true happiness with this, true acceptance?

My hopes for a happy family life are now gone. I genuinely can’t face having my hopes dashed again. I just want to be ok with a future like this. How?

While I agree that there is still time for you to have those things, I do also agree that you need to learn to be happy with the life you have currently and how to be happy alone. It's something we should all do, really. Nothing is given in life - sometimes people don't meet 'the one', sometimes they do but things go wrong later down the line.

Interesting recommendation Misty. Also “QuirkyAlone” book. At first I thought it was Gen X annoying ramblings, but some good stuff in there.

QuirkyAlone book. MN Logarithms/bot can’t cope with complications!

It’s not ridiculous to get to late 30s and think there’s a good chance you might not have “relationship and children”. You do get some stupid and dismissive posts on MN sometimes.

I think I value freedom more than I value a relationship now. That and acceptance. I got to this place gradually.

Being tired to an average man who doesn't value me because he could, if he really tried, probably find somebody younger than I am holds no appeal at all now.

Also, I look at women my age 51 who are married, and if they don't work, I feel sorry for them. 10 years ago when their DC were school-going age, these women would have been women I envied. They were ''normal''. I felt a bit ashamed. But now I understand how vulnerable they can be, just hoping that their very mediocre husbands don't trade them in for a younger woman. If that happened, they'd be fine, eventually, like I was fine, eventually, after i fled from an abusive x but hanging everything on a man is such a bad idea.

Do a creative writing course, take a dress making course, learn Swedish! Take singing classes, take refresher courses in the piano, take up clay sculping, go to a yoga retreat, do a vegan cookery course............. these are the things I'd like to do and I have done some of them!

If love happens, it happens, but I wasted so many years hoping that I'd meet somebody and that it would work out. It never did work out. Even though I think I'm a very normal person.! I just accept it now. I don't 100% understand it but I accept it.

[quote Orangeshairs]@Prokupatuscrakedatus I know that can happen but I’m single about to turn 37. It would be impossible for me under those circumstances. I haven’t even met anyone.[/quote]
I think you're right. If marriage is more important to you than having a baby I'd just work on becoming more content and bringing it in that way but if having a baby is more important, I'd do it on your own.

I think you're sensible to realise that all of the normal things in the normal order are probably a little out of reach. Not impossible but things would have to change really rapidly.

Some really good advice on here x

Met my husband online at 36, first baby at 38, 1 week before my 39th birthday. Don't give up!

I don’t have any particular advice because I feel like you’re doing all the right things. But you definitely don’t have to write yourself off! I met the love of my life at 36, moved in to a lovely home at 37, expecting our first baby at 38 - might be born before I turn 39! We have a wonderful relationship, unfortunately he was with a woman who didn’t appreciate him for 12 years whilst I was out there looking for him(!) but we made it eventually. Don’t give up!