Too old and past it, how did you deal with it?

[Orangeshairs]

I’m late 30s, 37 next year. I’ve tried all my life to find a long term happy relationship. I’ve had a couple of long term things but they ended years ago now. For the last few years I’ve been in various relationships, if you could even call them that, more like year long things that don’t go anywhere.

I’ve taken time out of dating. I’ve had therapy. I’ve tried to look for dates outside of online dating. I’ve travelled. I’ve stayed put. I’ve tried to ignore it all. I’ve dated furiously and seriously. I’ve been causal about it.

I’ve got to the point where I feel I need to accept my life for what it is. There’s some good. I have money. I have a career. I have friends. My family arent perfect and we could be closer but they are there too I guess. I’m slim, not an oil painting but not unattractive. I have interests. I want to be ok with a life alone, mostly because I am absolutely sick and tired of dragging myself out to meet people, trying to have faith and build something, for it all to come crashing down again months later. I just can’t do it. I would love a relationship more than anything but getting to that point now seems more heartache and trouble than it’s worth.

I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, I’ve been bitter, I’ve been so low I’ve wanted to just disappear. And now all I want is to accept that this is life for me and I potentially have a lot of time like this to come. How do I find true happiness with this, true acceptance?

My hopes for a happy family life are now gone. I genuinely can’t face having my hopes dashed again. I just want to be ok with a future like this. How?

Like a pp, I am a similar age to you, and I did have the engagement and the marriage (13 years) and now I've been divorced 3 years!

The difference is I have got children from that marriage, but looking at it from the situation of my exh's new wife might illustrate my point further: she met him during the end of my marriage to him age 40. Childless and (presumably) feeling it was the last chance saloon. She married him as soon as he and I divorced (6 months after she met him) and has now had a baby. On paper it looks like her dreams finally came true. Except I know (as does anyone who knows my exh) it is not a happy ever after. She's married an abusive, lazy, entitled swine who, unless has had a personality transplant, will not be pulling his weight as a father or husband. I'll bet a lot on the fact she's starting to regret the haste in which she "grabbed her man" believing he was the answer to her prayers.

So my point is, like others have said, it's only natural to assume that couples and young families are all amazingly happy and are living the dream life and to covet that life, but actually it's likely the reality is very different.

What are your priorities? If you want children, I'd suggest having a baby in the next few years needs to be your priority (and in the meantime saving /making practical arrangements to aid this). Relationships come and go but your fertility has an expiry date sadly.

If you do not want children that much then don't give up on the dating. Maybe a break to focus on things you like to do and then come back to it refreshed.

I left my first H at forty, after seventeen years of marriage. Met and married DH at 41, had a baby at 45. Thirty-seven is definitely not "past it".

I met my Dh at 39 but I sympathise Op.

Said to one of my friends recently that I used to hate people like me who said that ‘oh I met someone at 42 and had triplets at 45!’

Embroidery well said. Not read so much good sense in a long while.

One of the happiest couples I've ever met didn't meet until their 50's. They were blissfully happy for 30 years.

Find or develop some absorbing thing you absolutely love doing, and focus on that.

I had stopped looking, when at age 42 I met my now husband. We were married in six months. Honestly, 37 is nothing!

OP, I was 10 years without a relationship age 27 - 37. Thought it would never happen. Found a life partner at 37 - became a mum. When you are out of the game it seems impossible - but it is not.

Great points by @Embroidery

Many women are in relationships simply because they have far lower standards than you. I wouldn't be jealous of that.

@Embroidery

I hate to say it but you have to lower your standards. When I look at my smug married friends and what they put up with to have a man... The only couple I know where he is reasonably good looking with a big house, and she's completely fine with him visiting sex workers! She says he has natural urges and discusses it after a few wines. All the others husbands are fat ugly old bullies who hog the tv and are ALL casually or sometimes very, sexist. These women arent allowed to paint walls or mow the lawn.

Why did your other relationships break up? Did you not 'forgive and forget' their problems (whatever they were ( shagging OW, kissing OW, rows, sexism, them out too much, them prioritising their hobby, finance, their trips away, boredom), brush it under carpet and focus on your new kitchen? That's the difference between you and a married woman and Id bet money on it!

There is still a lot of turning a blind eye to it, whatever it is, to tolerate a man. More than you think.

Im manless by choice but all my friends have men. The things they cant do! And they justify it by societally pitying me for no good reason. Their only advantage is money, they have more.

Why do you think there are so many husbands who are bullies?

I think it's very easy to want to follow the societal norm but do bear in mind it doesn't guarantee a happy ending, so I think its important to be happy with your life as it us and if a partner comes along g then great , but its not the end of the world. Relationships and kids can also bring many constraints and compromises so plan your life as if these things will be happening and do things you really enjoy Now,

@Embroidery

Nobody I know is like this! (Nor are we).

I've given up but I'm nearly 50.

In your situation I'd move near close friends / loving family if you have one and I'd get IVF and have a child on my own.

My family is now my children I accept that. My dogs.

I don't want to lower my standards to marry a bully -he would have to be the sweetest most lovely man on the planet. They are few and far between.

My brother was long term single at 37, had never even had a relationship really. He met someone, bought a house had a baby and got married all within 3 years (baby before wedding). Its all doable you just have to ditch the clichéd 2 years between each stage timetable and go for it.

Good grief @Embroidery the bleak picture you paint is so utterly, to the last detail, accurate.

I was a bit like you OP, 20 years ago. Mid-late 30s is on the cusp of a new phase in life, which is always a bit tricky, involving some closures and some beginnings. And here’s my thoughts, FWIW.

Best to focus on life! You may not see it that way, but you have a lot of freedom! Maybe you’re a freedom loving person even? It’s something worth embracing. Not everyone wants to be married etc, and marriage and kids is not for everyone, by any means. You cannot go by other peoples experiences of it, as expressed here. Their life up close might be very unattractive to you. 37? Don’t lower your standards. Raise them.

Comparison is the thief of joy… Try not to compare yourself to married friends with kids etc, and instead look at the good things you have in your life that many don’t.

If you crave chikdren that’s different and you could consider single parenthood through sperm donor or adoption if that’s a path you want to explore.

Otherwise enjoy your career, your freedom to travel, to decorate without having a man there to nitpick / criticise / haggle over every decision, and do things you love.

I’m early 50s.

I’ve had two long term marriages which failed.

I am still hopeful that I will meet someone! And if not, I intend to have a rich life until the end.

I have a few single friends and relatives apart from two it is not obvious why they are single. These are ones that want relationships. Have you a friend who knows you in real life who would be totally honest as to what they think is happening.

You pretty much described me....
So, at least, please don't think that you are alone.

@Orangeshairs - please do not settle (as some will suggest), this is one thing that I also seriously tried, it turned out to be the most miserable time of my life. Yes I am single now and I sometimes hate it, but it is still much better than my "settled" life - at least, I feel alive.

I'm 49 . I was married to the sweetest loveliest man on the planet .

Sex was shit tho . 🤷🏻‍♀️

Realised that when met the hottest most fanciable guy on the planet with the emotional intelligence of a house brick .

So I'm single now . It's not so bad .

Colleague at work met her partner in her early forties and had three kids, one right after another. I don't get the feeling he is 'the love of her life' (nor she, his) but they rub along fine.

Tbh I could divide the married women with children that I know in 2 categories: 1. Marriage is definitely shit and I know it, 2. I don't know much about her marriage because we aren't that close. It's possible some in category 2 are blissfully happy I guess?

Some examples from category 1:

-Friend whose husband beat her up so badly he had to be removed from the house with the police. She took him back.
-Friend whose husband refused to come to her when she was in A&E for pregnancy complications, so she sat there for 12 hrs alone. He said this should help her be "more independent". He also constantly insults her and patronises her in public, and he goes on holiday with other women (his "childhood friends") without her on the regular. She thinks the sun shines out of his ass.
-Friend who nearly died giving birth, I visited them after she went out of hospital and she was still very ill, peed through a tube etc. When the baby needed changing, her husband basically threw it at her like a hot potato. The child is now 5 and his father has never ever changed a diaper.
-Married couple I know, both artists, great public image. He is cheating on her with at least 3 different women. She...may or may not be aware? But they have a nice house and he earns good money, so, whatever.

I am in a similar situation to you OP but we should be careful what we wish for, maybe.

@Orangeshairs it's largely down to luck whether you meet someone. I think it's a good idea to try and value what you've got. I'd recommend reading the Single Revolution by Shani Silver. She is passionate about single not having to mean lesser than. Also, the Single Supplement group on Facebook is lovely and supportive.

You are enough just as you are.

How rude! To speak for everyone in their 30's saying they are past it! No chance for relationships or kids?! Ridiculous, as others have said.
Stop being self pitying, enjoy the life you have, and be open to opportunities. Be curious, explore.