Too old and past it, how did you deal with it?

[Orangeshairs]

I’m late 30s, 37 next year. I’ve tried all my life to find a long term happy relationship. I’ve had a couple of long term things but they ended years ago now. For the last few years I’ve been in various relationships, if you could even call them that, more like year long things that don’t go anywhere.

I’ve taken time out of dating. I’ve had therapy. I’ve tried to look for dates outside of online dating. I’ve travelled. I’ve stayed put. I’ve tried to ignore it all. I’ve dated furiously and seriously. I’ve been causal about it.

I’ve got to the point where I feel I need to accept my life for what it is. There’s some good. I have money. I have a career. I have friends. My family arent perfect and we could be closer but they are there too I guess. I’m slim, not an oil painting but not unattractive. I have interests. I want to be ok with a life alone, mostly because I am absolutely sick and tired of dragging myself out to meet people, trying to have faith and build something, for it all to come crashing down again months later. I just can’t do it. I would love a relationship more than anything but getting to that point now seems more heartache and trouble than it’s worth.

I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, I’ve been bitter, I’ve been so low I’ve wanted to just disappear. And now all I want is to accept that this is life for me and I potentially have a lot of time like this to come. How do I find true happiness with this, true acceptance?

My hopes for a happy family life are now gone. I genuinely can’t face having my hopes dashed again. I just want to be ok with a future like this. How?

So you are only 36 yet. Don't add up too early :)

You're not past it, and you need to get that attitude right out of your head. Because I think if you resign yourself to believing it, then that's what it's going to be.

I'm 41 and quite a few of my friends are only having their first babies now. Most of them only met their partners in the last few years. I know it's hard, but if it's what you really want then you shouldn't give up.

@Bellyups

I know someone like this OP. It is honestly down to her personality. Not saying you are the same, or indeed that your personality is the issue

@Bellyups maybe it is. What’s wrong with her personality?

If the family bit (i.e having children) is a concern you don’t need to meet someone to do that bit. I have a couple of friends who’ve chosen to go the donor route and are very happy with their choice. It takes the pressure off the need to find a relationship when you can remove your biological clock from the equation. It does need you to be able to readjust your expectations of how you pictured it being though.

Everything else doesn’t have quite the same time pressures and you have loads of time.

Oh gosh, I expected you to say you were in your 50s. I met DH online (playing a game together, not online dating) at a similar age to you and we had DS when I was 44. You have so much time, really and truly. [flowers}

Would you consider going to an old fashioned matchmaker? Or asking friends and family to seriously try to think of decent single guys they know who might want to have a coffee with you? This includes guys younger than you by the way - I've met men in their twenties who really wanted to marry and settle down but all the girls they knew were still in their party and career years.

Its very difficult to come to acceptance and be happy with something when you're actually not. Some situations like bereavement are so definite you just do come to terms, it happens naturally. Yours isn't like that, because you know on some level there is still a possibility and you still want it, and you're not asking for something that far out of reach. So why would you accept it? You're 37 not 97, there is plenty of time and you will probably change your perspective on this and want to try again. Or maybe not, and that acceptance will come instead. Don't try and force a feeling you don't have. Try to enjoy your life as it is.

So I could say that there's still time for marriage/kids/family, and there is. I have friends who started their families in their 40s no problem. But I think what you're saying is that the future you envisioned seems less likely to you now than it did in previous years, and you're struggling to reckon with the fact it might not happen.

One of my absolute dearest friends has lived that other future. She's in her 60s now, and is quite open about the fact that she wanted children and a family but just never met the right partner, and she struggled with it for a long while. I could tell you she lives in a beautiful flat, in a part of the country that would be completely unaffordable for a family, decorated exactly to her tastes. But the material side isn't the important part. In the 10 years I've known her she's learnt 3 languages semi-fluently, she's always travelling, in the UK and abroad, is writing a book, is genuinely one of the most interesting people I know. She's also the life and soul of her community, on first names with everyone in her local cafe, hosts a crazy popular book group, is always throwing dinner parties (well, pre-Covid). I have two kids and a husband and I don't think my life will ever be as full and vibrant as hers.

Ok so this is corny, but I think the key for living a good life, no matter what it looks like, is to not lose sight of yourself (that goes for everyone: married, single, kids, no kids). Who you are, what you like, what interests you, and nurture those things. No relationship is guaranteed to bring you happiness (I know you know this). But if you live your own fullest life, people will gravitate to you. I really believe that.

My Mum was dating at 61, they got engaged this summer and are getting married next summer.

OP I agree with your mindset. If someone wants something really badly then I think it can come off as desperation vibes that invisibly repels others. It's better to accept where you are currently, make that set of circumstances work for you, find contentment and then good things come to you. Whether that's people wanting to be around you, opportunities that you're more open to seeing and embracing or just the realisation that what you have is enough. Settled, contented and making the most of life is a very positive place to be.

@Orangeshairs

It’s old and past it to have the engagement, wedding, home, family.

Maybe I’d have one or two of those later on but not it all.

Is it b*llocks. I met my partner for life at 36 and have all of those things. The longer you think like this it will eat away at your confidence and before you know it you'll be twice that age and regretting that mindset.

You are so young. Enjoy life. Have fun doing what you want to do. The longer you fester about what you don't have, you won't enjoy what you do have.

First off, try and let go of the mindset that things need to happen in a certain order - relationship, house, engagement, wedding, marriage, children.

Only one of those things is time-limited, so if it's something you want then prioritise it. If you want a child, then have a child. You could meet someone at any time in your life - and the engagement, wedding marriage could follow out of that.

Having put the relationship to one side, take this opportunity to have a long hard think about the things that you really want. If that's having a child, then have one. If that's buying a house, then buy one. If it's travelling, learning a language, having your own aeroplane then get your plans together and do it.

You aren't very clear if its the possibility of not having babies that's your worry, or that you think you'll become an old fashioned 'old maid'? There's plenty of time to find a man, but if it's children you're craving there's always IVD and go it alone if you have the guts.

Have you posted about this before? A few other threads are near identical to this.

@Orangeshairs

It’s old and past it to have the engagement, wedding, home, family.

Maybe I’d have one or two of those later on but not it all.

No, it isn't. I broke up from a long-term live-in relationship just after I turned 39. I got some therapy, resigned myself to being single, and then a year later I met a man who I've now been with for 22 years and we have 2DC.

Be clear about your goals and stick to the plan. A lot of time gets wasted by dating the wrong people, which is likely what you have done - otherwise you'd already have what you want. Lots of us have been there. My guess is that you actually become attached too soon, and lose sight of your plans in the fog of affection, easily done.
Start with how you see a family setup, then with that in mind, what you want out of a partner. Then it's a sorting, vetting proceedure that's the frustrating bit. Yes, chemistry is important, but, do they respect women in general too?
That you keep getting hurt, possibly means change tactics, be less attached, don't take their failings personally and bin at first sign of incompatibility, saves time in the long run.
This may not work of course, as it's slim pickings the older you are, that's just how it is. Also, plenty of people don't end up with the same partner they had their DC's with, so at the very least consider if they are the type to supportively co parent - that may be an easier goal to achieve actually. It comes down to what you want most, do you want to be a mother? Would you go it alone ( easier to achieve) or, if you'd rather not have DC on your own entirely, find a co-parent ( less easy, but still much easier than family ideal).The hardest goal is to build the perfect family, is this compromisable? Would you be content with just the perfect partner without DC's is the other option, or as you are considering, an independent life? Lots to think about. Bear in mind that resignation may just delay you further from something that would make you happier, even if it's not exactly how you want it.

I doubt it's your personality, OP. There are so many threads from women, similar age, who are just fed up of one future fakers and avoidant men. It's really hard out there, there isn't exactly an abundance of eligible men, right? I'm in the same boat. So are many of my girlfriends - gorgeous, intelligent, fun and stable women. We just need to keep trying. If you need a break, then take one, but get back out there when you can. Also, many people in relationships are deeply unhappy. Better to take your time and find the right partner.

*fed up of one future fakers and avoidant men

My cousin met a man in her 40s and married him in her 50s. I don't know if she wanted children but they seem happy with their dog. (He has grown up children)

We adopted our children (married at 32 but couldn't conceive). Through adoption I have met many women who adopted as a single person. I don't know the relationship history of most, but it's another way to have children if that's what you want, and isn't time limited by your own fertility. We adopted our second in our late 40s when she was two years old.

Of course, adopted children bring their own traumas and challenges but most families get through these.

Not everyone wants to have IVF with donor sperm. The advantage of adoption (or fostering) is that there's a real child there who needs a parent through no fault of their own.

It also means you have time to wait to find a relationship before having children, assuming, that is, that your partner would be willing to adopt too.

Adoption isn't something to take lightly but I had it in the back of my mind while experiencing infertility, though never spoke to my DH about it until it felt ike something I had accepted for myself - luckily he was on board.

This is a good time for you to assess what exactly you do want from life, to acknowledge those aspects that may not work out for you (despite others' assurances) and decide how else you could live your life. I felt like it was the end of my world that I couldn't have my own children, but eventually realised that all I really wanted was to be a parent - then the need for a biological child faded quickly. And we were suddenly seen as a young, desirable couple, despite being in our early forties!

All this may have no relevance to you, but I'm throwing it out there in case it does.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Firstly, you're only 36. You are not even halfway through your life yet so please don't give up too soon! Life is a marathon and some parts will be tough but like all tough things, it will pass.

Secondly, it sounds like you need to accept and love yourself for who you are before trying to make it work with anyone else.

You said you have a career, friends, interests. Put yourself in your friends or colleagues shoes, how do they see you?

I hate to say it but you have to lower your standards.
When I look at my smug married friends and what they put up with to have a man... The only couple I know where he is reasonably good looking with a big house, and she's completely fine with him visiting sex workers! She says he has natural urges and discusses it after a few wines.
All the others husbands are fat ugly old bullies who hog the tv and are ALL casually or sometimes very, sexist. These women arent allowed to paint walls or mow the lawn.

Why did your other relationships break up? Did you not 'forgive and forget' their problems (whatever they were ( shagging OW, kissing OW, rows, sexism, them out too much, them prioritising their hobby, finance, their trips away, boredom), brush it under carpet and focus on your new kitchen? That's the difference between you and a married woman and Id bet money on it!

There is still a lot of turning a blind eye to it, whatever it is, to tolerate a man. More than you think.

Im manless by choice but all my friends have men. The things they cant do! And they justify it by societally pitying me for no good reason. Their only advantage is money, they have more.

So sorry you are feeling this way. For you being 36 you feel you are way past it. You are right to have these valid feelings as they are your feelings and thats how you feel. I am 57, never been married.....but I am having the time of my life....I have dated and dated and dated. Eventually realised I was never going to find the one so let that fantasy go. I am in a great relationship now, incredible sex, connection, fun and I am very happy.....yes, at 57! This is whilst all my friends are just about to call it quits on their 2nd or 3rd marriage, deeply miserable and many on anti depressants. So, I would suggest you take a step back and realise life can sometimes not take you down the "socially acceptable" route of meet, marriage and children, it can take you down another route of fun, frolics and freedom. It all depends how you see it OP.

Could you rediscover one of the men you let go ages ago?

I had a friend who did this. Serial monogamist for about 10 years then decided she had had enough and went and got married to the boyfriend she had at school.

Some people dont even make it to 37, some are in hospital now fighting for their lives, get a bigger perspective, you already have so many positive things going on for you.
Even the ones that have everything you want, still feel dissatisfield, that is the human condition, always wanting more, someone has one child, now they want two, someone has two bedroomed house, now they want three, its never ending, the secret to happiness is accepting what you have right here right now is enough.
Mandy Hale is a good author, blogger on this matter.

Unless you adjust your expectations and view you're heading for misery. You've potentially got another 40 plus years on this planet. Look at your life, looka t what makes you happy. Marriage and children don't guarantee this. If you doubt it have a close look at other people and on here. I can count on 1hand those couples I believe to be alright. Loads paint a picture of matrimonial bliss but I and others know otherwise
Sort your life and needs out without patriarchal shite